really tired of filling the void.

[angelj]

Hi all -

 

Will do my best to sum this one up...well its long. Bear with me people

 

I have a history (this being the 2nd time..) of becoming super close with a guy - similar likes, dislikes, sparks, interest etc. annnnnnnnnnd basically filling the void as a girlfriend without ever being the girlfriend. Ah ok - I take that one back...the last time this happened, I made the guy fall in love with me after being best friends for 7 years, was the gf...rocky on and off relationship in which I ultimately suffered because he took the easy way out with the easy girl that pursued him. Always telling me how much he loved me and thought I should never settle...fantastic, so a history of being told I am too good for these pathetic, insecure losers I tend to subconciously attract...I am a girly girl with a sarcastic, funny personality that attracts guys constantly. I am a flirt but not a promiscuous chic and have always had lots of male friends.

 

Latest scenario involves Daniel. We met through friends - my best friend is marrying his roommate. Upon first meeting, I thought he was attractive. He didn't talk to me. Wrote him off as a jerk, moved on..heard stories of how he is awful with women and repeatedly takes what he can get. Uhh Ew? I got very close with HIS male best friend and suddenly, he has a personality to die for and he started finding excuses for chatting me up on a daily basis. 2 months pass and we are chatting on an almost daily basis. We start having hour long text messaging/phone calls that progress into 3 and 4 and 6 hour talks. Daniel has a rough background. No relationship with mom, dads a manipulative control freak, doesn't feel appreciated by fam, etc etc. A very private person, starts opening up to me like we've been close for years. The joke among our group of friends began that we would undoubtedly get married. We are very in sync, same likes, dislikes, similar chaotic families, we just click. Daniel also started getting protective and jealous over me. If his best friend would contact me and not him, he would question it. I caught him looking through my text inbox and he questioned why his best friend didn't want to call him back. Ummm what? Also would get upset if I didn't answer his calls or return his texts when he "needed me" when his grandmother fell ill, called me and only me crying. Took me to lunch and dinner in the same week and got bent out of shape after I returned his roommates phone call prior to his text - which was simply about a new tattoo he was interested in...if my voice tone seemed off, he was persistent to discover why and make me happy again.

 

Nonetheless, this relationship has sickenly progressed into a codependency...sort of. Nothing physical has ever happened...except for one night when he was drunk and I was sober, he attempted to hook up with me, which resulted in an awkward situation and his pants off and me finally making him leave my bedroom! (nothing happened) the next day, he met a girl and took her home, in front of my face. We never spoke of that night again. We've slept in the same bed, we've cried to each other, I've told him things I would never tell anyone else and vice versa. He's repeatedly sent uplifting messages to me and been such a sweet, support system. We have a million inside jokes and he's constantly calling me when a song reminds him of me etc etc. Now, you may ask - why the F arent you 2 dating? I was asking myself the very same question. It just hasn't seemed right. He hasn't made a serious move in an appropriate manner and I didn't want to push something or risk a friendship, being that with our engaged friends, we are all so connected. And one night he confessed that he couldn't possibly date anyone right now with his finances, credit, etc etc. We are both on the verge of 27 but he has a few maturity issues that bug me. So I've been enjoying the "relationship" without having the relationship...ya feel me?

 

As of this week, its like a light switch flipped. After spending 5 out of 7 days with him last week and the last month and speaking everyday, he became cold and distant. Didn't return texts, didn't return calls. Called the other day with a joke he would typically laugh at and hung up on me instead. Told him via text I had exciting news to share with him and to call when he was excited to chat - and he never called. hmmmm....he was out all night last night and attended a concert (that is one of my faves) and never called. Odd, right? I finally messaged him today to say heard about the concert, how fun! you've been hiding from me, I want to tell you about my new job offer. The response? "Yes. I saw cheerleaders, a concert, miami, and a strip club. all my favorite things." No word about the job offer..no nothing. Ah, I proceed send another text and the response again was selfish and about himself - tired at work going out tonight too. downtown. now Im confused. I told him to have a blast and keep his fingers crossed for my potential new job and guess what? I got NOTHIN BACK.

 

Folks, this is not my friend/twisted void filler I've known for the last 7 months...found out he met another easy girl to sleep with this week. Explains it? Maybe...still confused and hurt. I thought this entire time, we were friends...

 

May I have your thoughts, please?

[Shabalashab]

Sounds like this guy has simply moved on. He wanted to hook up with you and the fact that he was spending so much of his time with you means he wanted a relationship. He put in the time and got nothing and so he has moved on.

[WTRanger]

He hasn't made a serious move in an appropriate manner and I didn't want to push something or risk a friendship,

What do you want from him? He trusted you and only you when he was at one of his lowest points when his grandmother was ill. He tried, yet unsuccessfully, to hook up with you. I'm guessing since his pants were off, he at least tried to kiss you. He contacts you, he shows jealousy, he's interested in you and your moods. He listens to you. What more types of moves can a guy make?

 

What do you want from this? Friends or relationship or did you just get off on the attention he gave you? Now that you are not number one you seem to only be concerned that he is not paying attention to your life. And if you are not interested in anything more than "friends" why should be be so concerned about what floozy he is currently screwing?

 

I think you need to focus on your problems and your issues in this situation. Don't focus on his. I'm sure you are not exactly the sweet, innocent princess that you portrayed yourself. You are quick to bring up his issues, yet you don't bring up any of your insecurities or feelings.

 

I am a flirt but not a promiscuous chic and have always had lots of male friends.

RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

[angelj]

you're right...

 

I did want more than just a friendship. It was killing me the entire time..but he was on and off with me always. Yes, he invested lots of time in me, however he always found other girls and always told me about them.

 

Yes, he did take his pants off, no he never tried to kiss me. In fact, if you would like to know what happened, he burst in the room I was sleepign in and wrestled me off the bed for over an hour. I had bruises and he was hitting me. Then he kept texting the girl he said he thought he would one day marry. Then he took off his pants and straddled me and told me i should touch his balls. Really?

 

You're right, I am upset and pissed he doesn't make me the center of his life anymore but I am also confused. He never said he wanted to date me, in fact I had no IDEA what he wanted. And I am not all the INNOCENT, but I have a lot of male friends. I always have/

[WTRanger]

This guy sounds like he was just playing you. Getting in your pants was a game to him so he was willing to invest some time into.

 

What I'm not sure of though. What exactly from him (or any guy you are interested in) would signal to you that he was 100% interested in a relationship with you? What were you expecting him to do?

 

Would you ever consider bringing up the topic yourself? If he's hot and cold and it's killing you, you have every right to bring things up. Why is it always up to the guy? If you feel that strongly about him, you bring things up, you get your answers. This situation would never have developed as far as it did.

[scoochamenz]

Okaaaay. So this guy wrestles you off a bed, hits you, bruises you, and basically degrades you by texting another woman he wants to marry, then jumps on you and orders you to perform a sexual act and....you're upset that you're not the center of his life? Honey, he's the center of his life, not you or another woman on earth, and if you don't drop him after he's treated you like ****, you're the one who needs therapy. I would never let a man treat me like dirt.

[LoveLace]

Yea um...this is not someone I'd be in a hurry to see again anytime soon.

[angelj]

Hey all -

 

Thanks for feedback. We are still close friends who chat daily. I met a new guy and his jealousy took over. Then, he decided to date a 19 year old he arrested a year ago for a drug charge - he's a 27 year old cop. I've since stopped talking to the guy and he and I talk even more. Mainly about why in the world he would jeopordize so much for a risky venture w a chic like this?!! He sees nothing wrong w it and swears she may have changed. Did I mention she's a divorcee and unemployed as well as out of rehab at 19?

 

I'll never understand. He didn't even want to tell me about her. I told him today I see him differently than he sees himself. He's special and deserves more. And he agreed. I'll still never understand!!!!

[LoveLace]

Clearly the guy is not mature enough to go for quality in women. There is no sense in trying to understand...let him be to live and learn. But sadly, he may never get the learning part out of it. He's certainly not someone you should consider as more than a friend, if even as a friend period...considering the types of people he's apparently attracted to...