betty Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 I am so unhappy at the moment and it is a hugely long story so will try and keep it as quick as possible. I have been with my partner for 7.5 years and I am due to get married on Valentine's Day 2004 which we booked 2 years ago and was pretty much fine and really looking forward to it until I went on holiday just with my mum and dad and sister a month ago, which I hadn't wanted to do, but loved every minute. I cried my eyes out about coming home and just wanted to go back home with my parents. I am 26 and my partner is 31. Our relationship has always had ups and downs, but more ups than downs and as he is older than me I always saw him as my rock and protector. We bought a house together 3 years ago and everything was rosy. THEN a year later our house flooded whilst we were on holiday, we were burgled in the hotel which we had to saty in in the interim and then just as we got back into our house my partner lost his job through his own fault, which he fully admitted, and for the following 9 months couldn't get another job (he is very intelligent and very highly qualified but had this mark on his reference). He then started his own business in August which one minute went really well and then he did nothing for a few months and so on. I know his confidence was severely affected and he was suffering from depression, but did not really admit or deal with either. Now we are in debt, although we do own 2 properties with equity in them it is still an uncomfortable amount. I am not a good communicator and kept all my concerns and worries to myself in the main over the last year because I did not want to damage his confidence further - until this holiday which made me so unhappy. So I have talked everything through and he has promised that all he wants to do is make me happy and given me all options, but we ended up with still getting married and if things haven't changed he will let me go - all he wants is a chance to prove himself to me. Trouble is I have lost my trust in him, and to a certain extent for his ethics,which I have told him, and just don't know what the best thing to do for both of us is even after one month of constant fears and worries. Whenever I am with him and talk to him I feel fine (like he has just phoned me and I just know I love him), but everything comes crashing down on me when I am alone. The bottom line is that I know I 'love' him and even though I am not married I feel that you should take the highs and lows of a relationship -(after all we could have got married after 2 years and not been able to predict our situation now)- and not let him down in his time of need after all when you take you vows it is meant to be 'for richer for poorer'. I know the answer most people will give is to postpone the wedding, but that is not an option for lots of issues about his past and the fact alot is booked and paid for even now and we have talked about (even though it is an awful proposition) that if we are not happy in a year we will do an amicable quick divorce. He has said all along between me saying I am going to leave 3 times that if it makes me happy to leave he will support me but every time we talk more I just can't/don't want to do it. I am just so scared that the future is black and although we are talking and working on our relationship now properly and I love being with him, I am so scared to put that trust in him and scared to have hope and even though I have decided to go ahead with the wedding (for which we have to take a loan out for in my name but also with his name on it - he can't apply due to his business being less than 2 years old) I just can't at the moment start looking forward to it and just feel whichever decision I take will be the wrong one and I am just so tired of going in circles and having really painful conversations over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Firstly: If you are going into a marriage and you are already talking about divorce - don't get married. Secondly: It is not too late to cancel wedding plans. Its NEVER too late to cancel wedding plans. Why on earth would you take out a loan for a single event when you are already having some financial problems? That just does not make sense. It doesn't matter what you have booked, or who has bought non-refundable airline tickets, or what down payments you have made that you can't get back, if you are having this many doubts then do not get married. There couldn't possibly be anything in his past that would force you to get married now. A wedding is not a marriage and a marriage is not about pleasing or appeasing friends and relatives - its about a vow of commitment to someone whom you trust totally and have no doubts about. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 hokey's got many good points here -- even if you have the most fantastic wedding planned, but aren't happy with the prospective groom to start with, you really shouldn't be thinking about marrying the guy. yeah, you've got money tied up in preparations, but it's only money. Trust me, it'll be much cheaper in the long run to call this off right now than to go through with it, then divorce the guy. You're looking at whatever investments you make together, whatever money you spend together, at counseling costs to help you "fix" your marriage, then the cost of separate residences when you decide to call the marriage quits, then the cost of the divorce itself. And that doesn't EVEN take into account what happens if you get pregnant -- babies aren't cheap to keep. What is a couple of thousand dollars invested in a hall and invitations and a dress, compared to having to pay for all the things that come with marriage and divorce, possibly even a family? If you cannot say that you want to be with this person the rest of your life without feeling doubts, then you really shouldn't be thinking about marrying the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 but we ended up with still getting married and if things haven't changed he will let me go - all he wants is a chance to prove himself to me. You don't need to be married for him to have a chance to prove himself to you! That makes no sense! It's not as though being married will magically change him. Are you sure it's just the financial future that has you worried? Are your worries about his ethics, etc. real or are you using these worries to mask any other problems? Had you thought about talking to a counsellor? You're very anxious even though you have listed a number of reasons why he's a good guy and you're not really in a terrible financial situation. It might be worth exploring the reasons. Anyway, don't get married yet. Postpone the wedding, cancel the loan, and tell him that he can prove himself to you before you marry him. In the meantime, talk to him about all your fears and doubts. Some of the stuff you've been holding back may be causing you anxieties, too. Link to post Share on other sites
wiseOLDman Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Betty, you have about 90 days to get your stuff in order. IMHO, here's what you do- in this order- with your fiance. 1. Speak with a marriage counsellor or clergyperson and lay everything out on the line. Sounds like you've expressed your concerns and doubts to your fiance so there shouldn't be any surprises. Listen to counsellor and they will help you assess your impending marriage. If they feel that you can make a realistic go of it, proceed to step 2. 2. Meet with a financial planner. Lay it all out for him/her. Put a plan in place to manage your debts. Any costs to the planner, up front, will pay you dividends down the line. Depending on the recommended path by the financial planner proceed to step 3. 3. Hire an attoney to draw up any prenuptual agreements that your financial planner feels would be appropriate. If you have more financial assets tied up in the properties and the wedding costs than your fiance, you want to assure that you clearly outline those and enter into an agreement that will make you whole in the event of a brief marriage. I know, we all hate consellors, accountants and attorneys, but I sense that you're really feeling some insecurities heading into marriage. These folks will help you determine if they're warranted, or if they are predominantly pre-wedding jitters exacerbated by the financial problems that you face. Link to post Share on other sites
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