peaches1234 Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Hi all, I was browsing the self-help section in the book store last night, and amidst all the Dr. Phil mumbo-jumbo there was this one book titled "Do you let people walk all over you?" and I couldn't help but pick it up to see what the signs of being such a person were. Well, it turns out I had most of 'signs'. My question is, is it so bad to let others have their way most of the time? I'd rather do this than spark up an argument for the sake of getting my own way (this is one of the 'signs' I was talking about). The only person I seem to ask for my own way with is my mother (but this is because she is complacent as well). I pretty much do what my friends/boyfriend/ex/co-workers want though, unless it's very inconvenient for me or bothers me to no end. In the end I think I do this because I'd feel selfish if I didn't, but I know lots of people who stick up for what they want and seem to be perfectly happy with themselves. Any thoughts/opinions/suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 I think there's a major difference between someone who tries to live peaceably with those around them and someone who is a doormat. you say that you stick up for yourself when you feel strongly about certain things ("unless it's very inconvenient for me or bothers me to no end"), so that's a pretty good you're not a doormat. I think most people tend to be this way, trying to get along with others, because they hate the idea of constant strife in relationships. The extremes are those people who have to fight about every damned thing just to validate their existence, and those who let people walk all over them (i.e. doormats). So, keep on trucking, honey, and be a promoter of peace and harmony ... unless you see a serious injustice taking place, then squawk and holler all you want! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Some people have taken 'assertiveness' to mean 'aggression'. They demand their 'rights' at every turn. This is not admirable. The trick is to sort out how you feel about letting people have their way. Are you resentful? Disappointed? Then you are likely giving in on things you really want, which would not be healthy. If the things you give in on are not that important to you anyway, then there's no problem. I think, on balance, being easygoing is easier on you and the people around you. Yes, have strong opinions and desires about some things, but to become strongly invested in everything and demand your way in everything just turns you into a pain in the butt. Link to post Share on other sites
Frodo Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 It's just a matter of who you are. Statistically, more women are this way, but there are exceptions on both sides. Some people want to directly control others, and the best you can do for them is stay away, unless you like it. Some people want harmony more often, and are less dominant. If it doesn't bother you, then that's okay. Imagine if everyone in the world were the same. We'd either all be at each other's throats, or we'd be huddling together trying to find consensus before every decision. The human race probably wouldn't have gotten so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peaches1234 Posted November 13, 2003 Author Share Posted November 13, 2003 I guess sometimes I am disappointed when I give in to what others want. But it's not so much that I am disappointed in not getting my way, it's more of a disappointment in them not considering my wants or needs as much as I consider theirs. Is the wrong way to be looking at it? Frodo, your description of a bunch of people huddling around trying to do what's best for everyone is often what happens with whomever I am with, this back and fourth "what do you want", but in the end I almost always end up giving in to what the other person/people want. Link to post Share on other sites
Frodo Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 You want others to consider your needs more. This is normal. The only real problem is that everyone is naturally selfish. It's a useful survival trait. well if you don't feel really strongly about not getting your way, then the only real matter is your expectation. It's the expectation that's making you flustered. It might help to expect a little less altruism from others. Don't go too far, or you'll be come cynical, but just be realistic. I don't think people who are less considerate are necessarily bad, but you just have to accept that they're going to need some prodding because their minds are in a different state. They're taking your level of resistance as an indicator of how strongly you feel about something, so they assume that you're indifferent in these cases where you give up.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peaches1234 Posted November 14, 2003 Author Share Posted November 14, 2003 That makes a lot of sense. Geez, it really does... Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 I would focus on pleasing yourself. Sure pleasing others is okay, but don't let people take advantage of you and use you in anyway because your a convience to them. I find myself in the same situation as you. I do things for my mother which is good, and the people who I know, but sometimes I get taken advantage of. So, you best bet is to please yourself. You know when someone is walking all over you and they don't appreciate what you do for them. Screw those people. If you stand up to people who walk all over you, you will find who your true friends are. Some people if they know they can take advantage of you they will do so and not give a sh*t about you. So, take care of yourself and find people who respect you. Link to post Share on other sites
mattdad Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 He said that people treat us the way we teach them to! If we let someone walk all over us and abuse our friendship and charity, then we've taught them that it's OK to treat us this way! On the other hand, if we start out giving and caring, but set limits on how far they can go with this, then perhaps they'll respect our boundaries and will know just what they can and cannot do. If they don't like these boundaries, then it's their problem, not yours! I think these limits also keep us from moving into manipulation if things go sour...In her words 'she made it so easy for me to treat her bad'; as if being a kind and sharing person was such a bad thing (I always thought it was a Christian virtue!)... Anyone that takes advantage of such a scenario is unworthy of the love you have for them... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Many times you can stand up for yourself without making it 'confrontational'. At work, if someone gets into my territory (which is often the case since I'm a woman in a predominantly male atmosphere)....I jokingly remind them "Hey, don't steal my thunder!". The trick in being assertive is to chose your battles wisely. I learned this after MUCH trial and error!! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
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