We survived.

[Garlic]

This forum is full of depressing threads, so I thought I'd share a success story. My now-fiancee and I were dating for just under a year when I moved to Japan for a job that was going to last at least two years. For a long time, we'd planned on splitting up, but a few months before I left we made the foolhardy decision to go long distance. A few things saved us.

 

To start with were countdowns and frequent expensive visits, the standard. Saving some visits as surprises, for reserve, was very valuable. Near the beginning, we had a scary time when near-cheating almost ended things. We survived it because I was able to trust her and forgive her, and because I had already planned out a vacation together where we could see each other. It was meant to be a surprise for christmas, but I told her about it when she needed it in September. That helped a lot. More important was that the relationship was important enough to her to escape the temptation to cheat, and important enough to me to understand and forgive her.

 

I made mistakes too. I know now that when you're trying to make a long distance relationship work, you can't just be friends with the opposite sex. It doesn't matter how innocent the relationship is, or how naturally you get along with people. If your LD relationship is important you have to let go of those friendships until the relationship ends, or you're really putting an unfair burden on your SO. I wish I'd realised that much sooner than I did, but we made it after I cut back on my contact with my female friends, and she with her male.

 

The big save was when one of us decided to make sacrifices. When she decided to put her schooling on hold and come to live with me for the second year, I realised that we'd survived; I in turn ended my job after two years, despite wanting a third, so in the end we both gave stuff up. From then on the LD became easier. We got engaged during that year, and we'll be married in may.

 

Long distance sucks, but it's survivable. I hope someone out there is glad to hear it.

[AnnPod]

THANKS More encouragement needed!!

 

But I don't agree on the friendship with people of opposite sex thing. I mean I for sure know what you mean, but on the other hand you have to make sure that you are happy, and for that you just desperately need friends. I think it's fine as long as you clearly say that you are not free, just because there is no boy-/girlfriend around.

 

On the other hand, I have not survived it yet

[hoping2heal]

I'm okay with my partner having female friends PROVIDED and he knows this; there is no alone time together. I also, do not spend time alone with my male friends. It isn't even about cheating, but does it make me sad to know some other women gets to spend time with him I can't? Yes. Vice versa, so I don't want him to ever feel bad either. I love him and want him happy.

 

Also, just so you know..there is a lot of great success stories on here too.

 

ISlandGIrl - Me- Rollercoaster - Carvideep- BearandSue- Lovininascrapper - FabulousLadee - Aly- if I'm forgetting anyone, sorry!

[Garlic]

Yeah, I wasn't entirely clear on that. I didn't just stop talking to my female friends entirely, but I stopped hanging out with them when there weren't a lot of other friends around. In a more general sense, I cut back on my going out (we're not talking cutting it out of my life, but just trying to make trust a little easier). That was tough, because while I'm normally a homebody, without anyone around at home it was a pretty dull place. So, I invited guy friends over for video games and beer a lot. I made more guy friends than I normally do when left to my own devices. In the end, it was all for the better, but I had to be willing to make a few changes.

[aerogurl87]

Yeah you can have friends of the opposite sex in a LDR I think, provided that things don't get too "friendly". For instance, as far as I know my SO has no friends that are girls, all he hangs out with are guys (3 of which have the same name as him which can get a bit confusing at times, lol). If he does hang out with girls, it's because they are hanging out with their boyfriends which are his friends, which makes trust alot easier. I on the other hand had alot of male friends before meeting my SO. But to make things easier on him I only really hang out with 2 of them now (both of which are gay) and everyone else is a female. Also I stopped clubbing for my boyfriend because although I know I wouldn't be tempted to go home and sleep with any of those guys, I know it made my SO uneasy knowing that I was going to some club where there were tons of guys and I was dancing the night away without him. But glad to hear another success story!