eyewonder Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Ok, I've been with my bf for almost four years now (known him for five, living together since Dec. of 2008). I'm 32, he's 34. I have noticed that he seldom compliments me. If he ever does, it's only because I have to bring it up, i.e."Does my outfit look okay?" or "Do I look alright?" So, we were at a family thing the other day, and right in front of me, he says to a cousin of mine who happens to be 12 years younger than I am, and says, "You look really nice." Not to emphasize on her age, but he's complimented his friends' girlfriends and wives as well. So, I know he's not completelly clueless about complimenting.. NOw, mind you, on any other occasion I probably woudn't have noticed, but considering he never just comes right out and compliments me..it kind of makes me wonder. I think almost wierded out even. Anyhow, your input would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Have you ever gone into a store and bought a box of chocolates? (Stay with me, this relates, really!) You get home, tear open the package and have one. And it's SOOOOO GOOD! So you have another. It's really good too! Then a third. Not so hot. A fourth. Ugh. A fifth. Gross. A sixth makes you wanna puke. Compliments, like chocolates, are best served in small quantities. Otherwise they become meaningless. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Yuh, but Thaddeus, he never compliments her. And if he does, it's only at her prompting..... She never gets the chocolates, he hands them out to someone else..... He needs a slap upde head, if you ask me. or a reality check...... Next time he does it, say loudly "well that's nice - you never compliment ME like that!" And smile. But only for an instant..... Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Yuh, but Thaddeus, he never compliments her. And if he does, it's only at her prompting.....Yes, I saw that. It's just that the binary nature of her assertion - that he NEVER compliments her and ONLY compliments others - is probably not a true reflection of reality. See, men are trainable. Many women are so concerned with their appearance that they consistently denigrate themselves. It can lead to peculiar conversations, something like this:He: Hey, you look nice. I like that hairstyle/dress/top/whatever. She: Really? Don't you think it makes me look fat/old/whatever? He: No, not at all. I like it. She: Oh, you're just saying that. He: No, really, I like it, it looks good. She: Well, I don't believe you. I think it looks (insert negative adjective here). He (rolling his eyes, exasperated): Look, I'm just saying it looks nice. She: And I'M JUST SAYING THAT I THINK IT LOOKS (negative adjective again)! He: Sorry I mentioned it. Never mind. = long, tense pause = She: So what do you REALLY think? Now, I don't know if there ever was a conversation between the OP and her man like this, but from my personal experience it seems quite common. After only a couple of exchanges like this, a guy will just shuddup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eyewonder Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 Yes, I saw that. It's just that the binary nature of her assertion - that he NEVER compliments her and ONLY compliments others - is probably not a true reflection of reality. See, men are trainable. Many women are so concerned with their appearance that they consistently denigrate themselves. It can lead to peculiar conversations, something like this: He: Hey, you look nice. I like that hairstyle/dress/top/whatever. She: Really? Don't you think it makes me look fat/old/whatever? He: No, not at all. I like it. She: Oh, you're just saying that. He: No, really, I like it, it looks good. She: Well, I don't believe you. I think it looks (insert negative adjective here). He (rolling his eyes, exasperated): Look, I'm just saying it looks nice. She: And I'M JUST SAYING THAT I THINK IT LOOKS (negative adjective again)! He: Sorry I mentioned it. Never mind. = long, tense pause = She: So what do you REALLY think? Now, I don't know if there ever was a conversation between the OP and her man like this, but from my personal experience it seems quite common. After only a couple of exchanges like this, a guy will just shuddup. I appreciate both your input. I'm beginning to think there's underlying issues (from reading previous posts). To add, I'm not one to not appreciate comments, only to respond by saying" oh, you're just saying that or yeh right, I look fat.." especially since over the years, I haven't really had many thrown in my direction. I don't usually fish for compliments, but after being with the guy for so long and hearing that the other day, I came to a realization that wow, I can't remember the last time he said that to me! Like I said, I don't fish for compliments, yet I can't remember ever hearing something from him that showed me he actually "noticed" me, and now I wonder if he even does or even cares? As a woman, it sounds silly, but seeing him make a compliment to another female and seeing her smile and appreciate it. Geez, I don't even know how that feels. I feel myslef growing resentful. Would it be strange if we were out with his buddies, and I made it a point to compliment one of his pals on how nice that shirt looked on him or in another outing, loved the way his new haircut looked on him? I don't think he'd even notice because unlike him, I make it a point to say nice things sincerely, whether it's on his appearance or the nice things I notice he does. Thad, and Ms. TaraMaiden, thanks for your input and for making the wheels turn..I've got a lot of thinkin to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author eyewonder Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 Yuh, but Thaddeus, he never compliments her. And if he does, it's only at her prompting..... She never gets the chocolates, he hands them out to someone else..... He needs a slap upde head, if you ask me. or a reality check...... Next time he does it, say loudly "well that's nice - you never compliment ME like that!" And smile. But only for an instant..... How do I stop myself from growing resentful? Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Just tell him. He cannot read your mind. "Sweetie, when I have gone to a lot of trouble to look good for you, I'd like some feedback. Would you try to do that for me?" As a bit of a side-note, when was the last time you complimented him on something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author eyewonder Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 Wednesday or Thursday night. I gave him a little kiss, and thanked him for making dinner. He had barbecued some chicken. The week before, I flirted a little and let him know that I "noticed" that he's been hitten the gym. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eyewonder Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 Someone has referred me to this book. Anyone on here read it yet? Any input? Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 ugh, boy do I understand this. My boyfriend NEVER EVER compliments me and I know why. It's because he feels so LESS than me and does not want to fill my ego nor does he want to show vulnerability and say something nice. Him and I were out yesterday and the guy at the store said to me "wow, you have the most beautiful eyes" My BF says "you must feel good about that? I replied "Not really, but had it come from you, I would have loved it" He stayed silent. Weak minded people fear complimenting others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eyewonder Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 Red Devil, I hate that. I've received compliments from other men, and it's totally meaningless unless it comes from my bf. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Ok, I've been with my bf for almost four years now (known him for five, living together since Dec. of 2008). I'm 32, he's 34. I have noticed that he seldom compliments me. If he ever does, it's only because I have to bring it up, i.e."Does my outfit look okay?" or "Do I look alright?" So, we were at a family thing the other day, and right in front of me, he says to a cousin of mine who happens to be 12 years younger than I am, and says, "You look really nice." Not to emphasize on her age, but he's complimented his friends' girlfriends and wives as well. So, I know he's not completelly clueless about complimenting.. NOw, mind you, on any other occasion I probably woudn't have noticed, but considering he never just comes right out and compliments me..it kind of makes me wonder. I think almost wierded out even. Anyhow, your input would be greatly appreciated. My advice: start complimenting young cousins.. neighbours, friends.. friends' husbands... and see if he notices it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 It means that your b/f's compliments are empty. He uses compliments to get people to like him. Once people like him, he will use them less. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eyewonder Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 Trial, that makes sense. So, I'm with a totally insincere guy. I don't think I like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Listen to him when he's with biological family and friends he's really close to. If he doesn't compliment them as well, you have a definitive answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 He posibly does compliment you and you don't notice... He should have learned long ago not to compliment other people when his gf is around. I don't care if a girl walked in wearing a dress worth over a million made of glittering diamonds and she was my brothers wife... I still would not compliment her infront of my gf because nothing good could come of it. And I would not enjoy her complimenting some guy infront of me that she liked the shirt he was wearing or what ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Weak minded people fear complimenting others. I agree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 How do I stop myself from growing resentful? By sitting him down, telling him, to his face..."It would really make me feel good if you complimented me like you do everyone else once in a while. Its nice when other people compliment me, but it means the most when it comes from you" Thats it. You cant lose. Theres no sideways way of doing it, guys dont take hints. You have to tell him straight up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eyewonder Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks to all of you for your wonderful and honest advice. It is much appreciated and has helped me a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
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