Kissed another boy after 3 years of being with my boyfriend

[junebug9]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I love him more than life itself. He is my best friend, my boyfriend, and my soul mate. I cannot picture my life without him.

 

Lately, we've been having tough times. I felt hurt by how he had been treating me and had asked him to change his ways. Of course, he did, and things had been getting better. We just had a talk about this last week, and although had many other talks about this before, he had finally begun to make progress.

 

This weekend we went to visit our friends about an hour away. His one friend is someone who in the past I had been attracted to but would've never acted on it, EVER.

 

It was his birthday and we all had been drinking, and drinking, and drinking. My boyfriend was drunk and acting like an ass, and was talking innocently to a girl he had slept with about 4 years prior. This set me off and I went to lay down in his friends' room. He came in and we were just laying and talking. I barely remember what we talked about but out of no where he kissed me - Just a peck on the lips. At the time I was confused, but I got up and left. I began to drink more and I remember very little. I remember not disliking the kiss at all which makes me ashamed. I woke up this morning with terrible anxiety and a terrible hang over. I have been so sad all day. I can't believe myself! Why would I let him do that? I don't understand. I'm absolutely devastated. I've been avoiding his friend all day and didn't even say goodbye to him. I am so angry with him but I know he was really drunk and I was as well, but that is UNACCEPTABLE.

 

My question is whether to tell him or not? My best friend, someone whose opinion I hold very highly, said to not mention it. That it meant nothing and to instead punish myself for my actions. She said to not to drink for a while UNLESS he is there and never speak to the friend again. I already took it upon myself to delete his number from my phone and truly never plan on speaking to him. I am DISGUSTED with myself and my poor judgement.

 

I told my mom as well and she said people cheat because they have poor communication and something is lacking. I feel that this is probably the reason I accepted the kiss since I had recently asked him to change his actions because I felt it was hurting our relationship.

 

So, everyone, I need your advice, criticism, and anything else you have to offer me...

[AlektraClementine]

You'll get advice from all over the place here.

 

Mine is: Yes, you should tell him. The Golden Rule (IMO) applies when deciding whether or not to tell. So in my case, A - I wouldn't kiss another man. And B- on the off chance that I did, I'd tell my fiance. Because I'd want the same from him.

[Hkizzle]

Prepare to be flamed........many judgemental people here that will tell you, you're a bad person without een offering to really help you.

 

Oh look I created another sockpuppet!

[dreamergrl]

So he just leaned over, gave you a peck, and that's it? You didn't kiss him back?

 

If that's about right, I think you're more ashamed that you liked it, and that you may have wanted more. Also, if you didn't kiss him back, and he truly did kiss you - I'm not so sure if I'd classify that as cheating. I think the fact that you liked it is worse then what actually happened.

 

I'd still tell you bf. He has a right to know. Then I think you need to sit down and talk about how you're feelings about things in the relationship.

[New Again]

Prepare to be flamed........many judgemental people here that will tell you, you're a bad person without een offering to really help you.

 

Oh look I created another sockpuppet!

 

Why don't you offer the OP some constructive advice then, rather than criticizing other posters on the site, just because you don't like their advice?

 

OP, I think your mother is right, that often when people cheat it's because there is something lacking. From your post it sounds kinda like you were just looking for some validation (perhaps?).

 

I think you should examine your feelings for your bf - you say that you love him, he's your soulmate, etc. - but try to look deeper than that and see if you're being honest with yourself about that, if you see your relationship going somewhere with your bf, what any issues you have might be, and take it from there.

 

I'll also throw in that, as someone who has been cheated on, I wish my bf had told me.

 

At the same time, I can understand how hard it might be to do that.

[Hkizzle]

Why don't you offer the OP some constructive advice then, rather than criticizing other posters on the site, just because you don't like their advice?

 

 

Because it's annoying giving other people advice only for the other judgemental posters to chime in and say, I'm actually the OP. I mean seriously that's just immature, and I'm not really directing this at you but at someone else. So just making a point, so I don't put myself out there to give advice only to get flamed for having different opinions to others.

 

OP, you had a few drinks, and the OTHER PERSON leaned over to kill you. You didn't initiate anything. You were upset and alcohol slows down judgement speed and reflexes. If you grabbed some guy, dragged him into a room and made out with him that's one thing. If you just got a tiny peck and you didn't initiate, confused at the time, and walked out immediately, you did nothing wrong. What's the big deal?

[boogieboy]

If you feel THAT Guilty about it, then it was obviously more than a peck on the lips. You need to figure out why you felt you needed ot retaliate against your bf like that. If you cant do it in front of your bf to get the result you want, then you shouldnt be doing that at all.

 

So really instead of kissing other guys, you need to grow up and TELL your BF that him talking to this other girl bothers you.

 

On THAT note, you need to sit down and work on your jealousy and self esteem issues. That isnt his fault. If he isnt doing anything with this girl, theres nothing for you to be jealous over. Work on your personal issues!

[lkjh]

You need to tell him, and be honest. Your mom is right for some cases but not all. A lot of people cheat because they have character flaws and they want to blame something else besides themselves. So they use the not meeting their "needs" excuse. Cheating is never ok, if the relationship is that bad then just end it.

 

 

If the scenario you put out there is true, then you didn't do anything wrong. You stopped it and left. But you still need to tell your bf. Everyone always says honesty is the most important part of a relationship and this is true. But you have to be honest all the time.

 

 

Good luck

[Javelin]

You should probably tell him, he has a right to know.

 

Prepare to be flamed........many judgemental people here that will tell you, you're a bad person without een offering to really help you.

 

Oh look I created another sockpuppet!

 

Oh that's right, I've almost forgot - all opinions have to be positive.

 

Almost every new member to this forum, specifically new ones to CF&J, always post this type of first comment one way or another.

[Hkizzle]

You should probably tell him, he has a right to know.

 

 

 

Oh that's right, I've almost forgot - all opinions have to be positive.

 

Almost every new member to this forum, specifically new ones to CF&J, always post this type of first comment one way or another.

 

Maybe you just didn't see Trailbyfire's other post on another thread. This was just my tongue in cheek response.

 

The OP's post on the other thread was similar to this one. I responded, and she said the OP was just a sockpuppet of mine so I can create a thread to promote my pro-PUA, pro-cheating stances.

 

Which I find ridiculous, because I've said time and time again I'm against cheating. It's because I simply said cheating was a biological trait, and she doesn't understand biology, and a sore loser, she then accused me of doing things I didn't even do.

 

I find it amazing there are people that are so poor at debating that when they lose a debate they start saying someone is pro-cheating when that person's original stance was simply cheating is biological.

[lkjh]

Maybe you just didn't see Trailbyfire's other post on another thread. This was just my tongue in cheek response.

 

The OP's post on the other thread was similar to this one. I responded, and she said the OP was just a sockpuppet of mine so I can create a thread to promote my pro-PUA, pro-cheating stances.

 

Which I find ridiculous, because I've said time and time again I'm against cheating. It's because I simply said cheating was a biological trait, and she doesn't understand biology, and a sore loser, she then accused me of doing things I didn't even do.

 

I find it amazing there are people that are so poor at debating that when they lose a debate they start saying someone is pro-cheating when that person's original stance was simply cheating is biological.

 

Cheating is not a biological trait. Wanting to reproduce is, but people have the ability to think and rationalize our thoughts. Simply saying cheating is biological means you believe all people act as animals and don't have the capability to think. Biologically we want to have sex, but that does not force us to cheat. People are far more complex then what you make us out to be. If we just acted on our "biological" motivations we would never have made it this far.

 

A lot of people want to believe that a persons main biological purpose is to reproduce as much as possible in order to pass their genes on. But that is not the case. Darwin's biological fitness, is one of many theories on this but they all sum up the same........people want to pass their genetics on in the best way possible, and the best way for this to happen is to insure that their offspring reproduce. If couple A have ten children and couple B only have one child but none of couple A's children reproduce but couples B child has 5 kids then couple B was more biologically fit then couple A. Proctecting your kids and future is the best way to insure your biological fitness.

 

When people make bad decisions, they can't simply say oh well its biology. We have the ability to think and rationalize and we know that cheating is wrong.

[Hkizzle]

If we just acted on our "biological" motivations we would never have made it this far.

 

When people make bad decisions, they can't simply say oh well its biology. We have the ability to think and rationalize and we know that cheating is wrong.

 

I'll focus on two lines of yours.

 

First of all, the reason we can think past our biological motivations is the reason why we say cheating is wrong in the first place. Yet people do it anyway because of their nature.

 

If it's not social it's biological, that's the source of all behavior, and when was the last time people were encouraged to cheat?

 

I never said cheating was acceptable, I totally agree with you. Cheating is wrong, but the source of it is biological.

 

You should read The Red Queen since you understand some evolutionary theory, because it explains all the optimal mating strategies in animals that are unfortunately past on to humans, and we have to fight against them.

 

As for protecting and fight for our kids future, the problem is, genetically we developed our genes back in the caveman era. So whatever mating strategies we have now was formed back then. Why else would so many women be attracted to jerks? There's no logic to it other than biological motivation........

[Ravenholm]

Well see the problem is, people are more perceptive of their surroundings then they let off. If a person poises themselves to be secluded with me, away from other people, lying down with me. They know where they are, and are able enough to understand that the events that unfold afterwords can bring about some trouble. Allowing yourself into that situation was a conscious mistake.

 

You just made a little mistake on this jealousy war. You see, a jealousy war is a war of attrition. What you did was you saw the situation, and you one-upped yourself in the jealousy war. (if he's talking to someone publicly, even talking to someone privately lying down with them, is still raising the ante right? It's just slightly more intimate than on some couch or something) But that was your strategic mistake, you never raise the ante on jealousy wars, you just erode away at the other person more. I'm not saying jealousy wars should even be fought or not, they can be avoided with "talking" but sometimes you talk to someone and they don't realize they're still making you jealous and keep making you jealous, so you go and dish some out to them, so they can empathize with you instead of sympathize. Yeah that might happen, and then you're asking for war and that's cool I guess.

 

You see, if you fart and laugh, and then I fart and laugh, and then to raise the ante and you **** your pants. The game's over, now I can laugh at you, and you're the one with **** in your pants. You've now put yourself in a position where he's the winner, and he can say, "Well at least I didn't do what YOU did. I was just talking to someone. I didn't KISS them." And that's why we don't raise the ante when it comes to jealousy wars. Now I'm not saying that any of it is right or wrong, but if I were you consciously in this jealously war, I would've just talked to 5 guys, and talked about them afterwords to my boyfriend.

 

Really, though, that was a cute and classic mistake you made in the jealousy war.

 

It's tough to handle a mistake like this one. You didn't really do anything morally "wrong." And it doesn't really change anything with your relationship. If I was on your side, I would tell you not to tell him. Because he's going to use it against you, it will damage your relationship, and you'll be eating some crow for it. And you made a mistake and well, "Ooops." But uh.. if you want to be ethical about it, then I guess you can tell him. But it's not going to make your relationship any better.

 

You're not a person cheating on their husband because they hate them. If you were I'd say, "You need to tell him so you guys can get a divorce or counseling or something to solve this, because you obviously hate the other person." But you seem like you love your boyfriend and you were just jealous because you want him to like you and talk to you and not girls across the room and you accidentally allowed yourself to stay in a bad situation and a bad thing happened. ... so telling him is going to damage that, and make you put up with **** from him for a while, and if I were on your side, I don't think you'd want that, and it's not a serious enough situation for you to be the blindfolded lady to seek out ethics and justice and counseling.

 

Now if it's not that, and you don't like him, or this is a repeat time, then maaayyybe you do... uh... yeah... wanna' let him know...

 

Oh I'm going to edit this to also say the "attracted" thing, you know saying you found the guy attractive, is just bull**** stuff. Humans are naturally attracted to attractive humans. If psychological or physical attraction had any determining say on human relationships... then no one would be in relationships, so I didn't really weigh that into anything about your situation.

[collegekid491]

Maybe you just didn't see Trailbyfire's other post on another thread. This was just my tongue in cheek response.

 

You my friend have to learn to be a bigger person. Throwing out broad generalizations based on emotions isn't gonna win you any favors, if anything you just alienated yourself from the majority of the community in one swoop.

 

OP: If its his friend, he will hear about it more then likely. Even if his friend doesn't tell him, you guilt will become apparent. Honestly, I would say just tell him what happened, the whole 'i liked it' part is probably a bit overkill, fact is you walked away and didn't initiate.

[Hkizzle]

I refered to one person. How's that a generalisation?

[Adunaphel]

Absolutely tell him and explain the circumstances asap. Hoping he hasn't already heard about it from his friend.

[lkjh]

I'll focus on two lines of yours.

 

First of all, the reason we can think past our biological motivations is the reason why we say cheating is wrong in the first place. Yet people do it anyway because of their nature.

 

If it's not social it's biological, that's the source of all behavior, and when was the last time people were encouraged to cheat?

 

I never said cheating was acceptable, I totally agree with you. Cheating is wrong, but the source of it is biological.

 

You should read The Red Queen since you understand some evolutionary theory, because it explains all the optimal mating strategies in animals that are unfortunately past on to humans, and we have to fight against them.

 

As for protecting and fight for our kids future, the problem is, genetically we developed our genes back in the caveman era. So whatever mating strategies we have now was formed back then. Why else would so many women be attracted to jerks? There's no logic to it other than biological motivation........

 

 

Dude, I'm sorry but you can not blame bad behavior on genetics. Cheating is not biological just like many other things. Wanting to reproduce is.

 

Our mating practice's were not developed in the caveman era, and our mating practice are not universal. Every society and culture has different mating rituals and they change often. You are summing up all people in one group and assuming we are the same. Yes, some girls like jerks and some like nice guys. We may have picked up some basics from our ancestors but a lot has changed.

 

Mating rituals are both a combination of biology and social. There is a reason why pretty much every society(with the exception of a few) practice monogamy. Deep in our roots it was our species longs for. If you take a look at humans all across the board, we have completely different mating rituals but a few things are constant. Our children stay with their mothers for longer periods then most other species and we practice monogamy.

 

I am not saying you are agreeing with cheating but when you try to use the biology excuse you are trying to provide a cop out. Even if it was biological(which it is not), people go against their biology all the time. The 17 year old girl who does not eat because she wants to loose weight is one really good example. We are programed to eat as much as we can for survival. This is why are stomachs have the ability to stretch; so we can eat after we are full. But yet millions(maybe more) of people diet every year.

[lkjh]

You can not just say something is biological. You need to offer proof and I can assure you there is no study that has ever proved it. Some people just want to believe that is true because it excuses there behavior.

[Hkizzle]

You can not just say something is biological. You need to offer proof and I can assure you there is no study that has ever proved it. Some people just want to believe that is true because it excuses there behavior.

 

Saying something is biological is an excuse is about as relevant as saying someone is fat because they get hunger. It's not meant to be an excuse!

 

Science isn't about providing excuses or any politically correct or incorrect answer. Science is simply about finding the truth even if it's an inconvenient one.

 

So lets agree that everything in our psychology and behavior is either learnt or biological. Even first year psych students know this.

 

So, then as you correctly pointed out there are different cutlure has it's own mating rituals. But then.........why is there cheating throughout history and in every single culture? EVERY SINGLE CUTLURE, from the Romans, to Shakespearan times, to the Greeks, and the Chinese and Aztecs....

 

You mean every culture teaches us to cheat? Or did we inherit the inclination?

 

Self control is important to control the drive, but that doesn't mean the drive isn't biological, and it's not meant to be an excuse. It's just the truth, because I think it's very illogical to say that every society teaches humans to cheat when they clearly don't encourage it.

 

Read The Red Queen. It'll explain all and cites numerous studies. You can miss out chapt 2-4, kinda boring. To a lesser extent, The Selfish Gene and Sperm wars are relevant reads too.

[harmfulsweetz]

From what you have described, there doesn't seem to have been all that much in it. Maybe you should put this down to drink, and forget about it? We all do things when we are drunk that we shouldn't or wouldn't normally, and you could say that was your thing for that night. Cut down on the drink, avoid being alone with him etc but I wouldn't classify it as cheating. You say you liked it, I kissed another boy last night, and yes, I liked it. Does it mean anything? No. Because it's nice to kiss someone you haven't especially when you've been kissing the same person for so long. You know what I mean? I'm not condoning it, or what I did, just explaining why you may have liked it instead of saying there must be a spark.

I don't think you should tell him, it was a peck, and for all the trouble it will cause, it isn't worth it. Sounds like you are sorry and know what you need to do to prevent it happening again. If you choose to tell him, try to explain that you were both drunk, it was just a peck and meant nothing to either of you. But I would seriously work out if it is really that important.