Who should move?

[Cavey]

Hi, I am new here. I would like your opinion on something. I'm in a relationship with someone and we are trying to figure out who should move where. I'm going to give you the basic info: I just want your opinion on our situation. I live in North Carolina. She lives in Northern California. I have a full time job and live on my own. It's difficult for me to make a decision about moving there because of my job (security) and the times I've had to move in my life. I also live in a house I am renting. I would not be able to get rehired by my company should things not work out and we or I decide to go back to NC. She works from home doing medical transcription but cannot support herself yet. She can work from any where in the world though as long as she has an internet connection. She is very close with her family and friends, and has never moved from the general area she's grown up in. I have no family that live nearby. I have made friends, however. We've talked about her making friends here, and with the people who go to church here. She would see her family and friends during the holidays. Also, we were together 9 months but broke up for 6 months. I am going to be seeing her in December and will most likely be buying my tickets in October. We have given ourselves until then to make a definite decision. My question is simple: What is your recommendation on who should move where? If you need more info, we would be happy to give it. My girl friends name on here is espearite.

[MSUE]

Since you are the one with job security and the moneymaker here in my opinion she'd be the one to move as she can continue to work from ome in NC

[espearite]

MSUE, thank you for your input and advice. We really appreciate it. Not too many people replied back. I am thinking its a difficult call. Thanks again.

[Palmer253]

Never an easy decision. If you moved to Cali would you be able to find another job? To me it would be an easy decision based soley on the fact that California is a much much better place to live then NC. Plus she has family there and it's always nice to live around family. California is expensive though and if you finding work is going to be an issue then I don't think it would be very smart to move over there.

 

What about a neutral location?

[TMichaels]

MSUE, thank you for your input and advice. We really appreciate it. Not too many people replied back. I am thinking its a difficult call. Thanks again.

 

I wouldn't jump to he conclusion that just because not many people have responded it's because they find it a difficult call at all. There are multiple active threads on the forum and not every one interests ever LS'er so how many replies one gets is a bit of a luck of the draw.

 

Given the state of today's economy, I have to agree with MSUE. Since your b/f is the reliable breadwinner, and you can do your work from anywhere in the world, it makes more sense for you to move to NC than him to quit a steady job and take a chance he can find work in California.

 

I know you probably are not keen on the idea of moving away from family and friends, but I'm sure you are aware that California's economy is almost as bad as Michigan's right now, which is the worst in the country in terms of the unemployment rate.

 

"Being in love" only gets you so far -- it doesn't pay the bills. And, money worries are one of the top reasons for stress and pressure in a relationship, so why bring that on yourselves if you can help it?

 

From your and your b/f's posts, it sounds like you want to be together to see how things go. If that's the case, why not consider moving to NC ar for a year and see how things go?

 

You'll have a chance to see how the two of you are together 24/7 and by then things may have turned around enough economy-wise it may be possible at that point for him to secure employment in CA if you two decide to stay together and want to move back to California so you are once again closer to friends and family.

 

Sometimes having an agreed upon and set date/duration in place makes all the difference in the world. You both know it's not a permanent "sentence" and it gives you an end-point goal to work toward which can be a positive thing.

 

Just a thought...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Cavey]

Never an easy decision. If you moved to Cali would you be able to find another job? To me it would be an easy decision based soley on the fact that California is a much much better place to live then NC. Plus she has family there and it's always nice to live around family. California is expensive though and if you finding work is going to be an issue then I don't think it would be very smart to move over there.

 

What about a neutral location?

 

finding a job out there that is comparable to the one i have know will be hard. I don't have a degree or any special skills i can put down on paper so best i could do to start off with would be general employment or factory work. I work in a factory now, the company i work for is hell bent on company image and never laid anyone of in 80 years and this is coming from the VP saying they won't start now.

 

how do you consider cali a better place to live then north carolina? i'm not gonna get argumentive here but i want a better answer then cali is better then north carolina. i've lived a bunch of places and to me one place is just about the same as the next.

[hoping2heal]

finding a job out there that is comparable to the one i have know will be hard. I don't have a degree or any special skills i can put down on paper so best i could do to start off with would be general employment or factory work. I work in a factory now, the company i work for is hell bent on company image and never laid anyone of in 80 years and this is coming from the VP saying they won't start now.

 

how do you consider cali a better place to live then north carolina? i'm not gonna get argumentive here but i want a better answer then cali is better then north carolina. i've lived a bunch of places and to me one place is just about the same as the next.

 

I love California. L - O - V- E it. However, I don't know that it's worse than NC, but it isn't a good place to move right now. They have a very high unemployment rate at the moment, there's big budgeting problems there, Universities losing funding, etc. It isn't the kind of place you move to and start from scratch. You could end up unemployed for MONTHS, SEVERAL MONTHS even just trying to find basic work at fast food; because even those jobs have a lot of competition right now from all those people who have been laid off or their companies have gone under. Now, is NC going through something to as bad of an extent as California? I don't know; but being that I haven't heard about it, probably not.

[Bayern]

can work from any where in the world though as long as she has an internet connection.

 

Maybe it sounds unfair, but in today's world that statement makes me believe she should move to you. If she cannot support herself and you are supporting yourself with a house, that seems pretty reasonable to me.

 

This is unless you can find a job before moving to California that pays decently/same.

 

My opinion anyway...

[espearite]

Thank you all for your responses and advice, but how can I say no now? I agree that the state of our economy is poor right now. I personally know a few people who have just lost their jobs. However, there is mention of the economy picking up in 2010 for California?

 

That is beside the point now. I agree with TMichaels' suggestion to go and stay for a year, as my bf had already suggested the idea. Yes, we really do want to be together. Pretty much at this point, we are both assuming I am the one who will be moving to N.C.

[Mountainlove]

have you maybe thought of moving somewhere completely different? A kind of new start for the two of you? Job security is always inportant but in todays time you never know how long you keep a job. A job on the other hand shoudl always come second---your own happyness should be more important!

[espearite]

have you maybe thought of moving somewhere completely different? A kind of new start for the two of you? Job security is always inportant but in todays time you never know how long you keep a job. A job on the other hand shoudl always come second---your own happyness should be more important!

 

Yes, I've thought of us doing that, but it would not be practical for him. He has security where he is now and the number of times he's had to move in his life has pretty much worn him out. I don't blame him. I do agree that happiness is important factor here. I would not count out the possibility in our future of us moving closer to family.

[espearite]

have you maybe thought of moving somewhere completely different? A kind of new start for the two of you? Job security is always inportant but in todays time you never know how long you keep a job. A job on the other hand shoudl always come second---your own happyness should be more important!

 

Some interesting event(s) have or are taking place that have lead me to change my mind. You are right, Mountainlove, happiness means more to me than the material things. Yeah, love won't pay the bills, but I am at a disadvantage over there, with no family, no friends, but being "the girlfriend." Who is going to really have my best interest when things look ugly? Over here, I have family and real friends that care about me. If he really loves me, he's going to be willing to give up everything to be with me. If he can't, I've got nothing to lose. Yes, everyone, this is my final post.

[Thornton]

I'd suggest that you either move a)Where the main breadwinner's job is, or b)Where the closest family is, which doesn't help you much as you have both things in different locations!

 

It depends on factors such as where you'd both prefer to live, which place is nicer, where you'd have a better social life and a lower cost of living, where you could get jobs, etc. Don't under-estimate the value of having family around if you plan to raise kids at some point. Couldn't you come up with a long term plan? Like maybe she comes to live with you for a while, for a change of scenery, and you agree that after a year or two you'll move to where she prefers. That gives you time to settle in the relationship and look for a job in her location before you decide to move.

[Cavey]

she broke up with me so any moving is out of the question can a mod please close this thread.

[TMichaels]

she broke up with me so any moving is out of the question can a mod please close this thread.

 

Sorry to hear that Cavey. But I am not totally surprised. From her comments it sounded like she was not open to any resolution except for you to move to where she is located and was not happy that many others did not agree with her view.

 

Her comment on another thread about "you can never trust a man enough" was a bit alarming as well. I know you probably don't feel this way at the moment, but your break-up may be for the best.

 

BTW, mods don't close threads here. Threads just die off for a lack of interest or response.

 

Please know you're welcome to visit or contribute to the forum anytime you like or need support. Lots of good people here going through much of the same as yourself who are always willing to help.

 

Take care,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

... Yeah, love won't pay the bills, but I am at a disadvantage over there, with no family, no friends, but being "the girlfriend." Who is going to really have my best interest when things look ugly? Over here, I have family and real friends that care about me.

 

What's wrong with being "the girlfriend" and why does that put you at some sort of disadvantage? Seems to me it would be a clear and definitive signal to all that you are a very special part of his life.

 

Do you always look at things in a "glass half-empty" way and/or rely on your friends and family to look out for your best interests? Is there a reason why you don't look out for your own?

 

If he really loves me, he's going to be willing to give up everything to be with me. If he can't, I've got nothing to lose. Yes, everyone, this is my final post.

 

Wow. Nothing like throwing a temper tantrum and stomping your foot when you don't get your way! If that's how you handle conflict and disagreements, you're right, things WILL "look ugly."

 

You probably are wise to put your love life on hold for a while as the ability to compromise and approach life as a couple are relationship skills you need to continue to work on.

 

Good luck,

TMichaels

[espearite]

TMichaels, I deleted what was written here because I don't think it's fair to us what I've written to you. I think it should remain private. Is there a way I can PM you?

[TMichaels]

TMichaels, I deleted what was written here because I don't think it's fair to us what I've written to you. I think it should remain private. Is there a way I can PM you?

 

No, not until you have posted here long enough to earn that privilege.

 

Good luck to you,

 

TMichaels

[SuburbanOblivion]

Sounds like the breakup was for the best. Part of deciding who moves is making mature decisions, and "he should be willing to give up everything for me" isn't going to pay the bills.

 

My SO will me moving to the States from Ireland when our divorces are through, and 2 things factored into that decision- he worked for himself, so his job could be done anywhere with an internet connection, and the fact that I have kids, and their family is here(my ex, my in-laws and I all live in the same town). The most important thing to us is the kids, and we don't think uprooting them from everything they know is the way to go.

 

It really surprises me to hear that someone would pull the 'if you love me you'd give up everything' card, because that sounds horribly selfish. I know my SO will be a lot more homesick leaving Ireland than I would be leaving the States, because he has more ties there than just friends and family. If there was any way possible, I would go there with him, even though I don't relish the thought of living in Ireland(beautiful, but way too cold for this Southern girl!) because I want to make him happy, as he does me.

 

Relationships are about two people, and there is rarely room for selfishness, especially in a long-distance relationship where every issue and problem is amplified by the distance.

 

Then again I suspect there would rarely be divorce if everyone had to go through being in a LDR to be with their SO, as it certainly weeds out those who aren't truly committed

[espearite]

No, not until you have posted here long enough to earn that privilege.

 

Good luck to you,

 

TMichaels

 

I feel like I am not being helped here at all.

[espearite]

Sounds like the breakup was for the best. Part of deciding who moves is making mature decisions, and "he should be willing to give up everything for me" isn't going to pay the bills.

 

My SO will me moving to the States from Ireland when our divorces are through, and 2 things factored into that decision- he worked for himself, so his job could be done anywhere with an internet connection, and the fact that I have kids, and their family is here(my ex, my in-laws and I all live in the same town). The most important thing to us is the kids, and we don't think uprooting them from everything they know is the way to go.

 

It really surprises me to hear that someone would pull the 'if you love me you'd give up everything' card, because that sounds horribly selfish. I know my SO will be a lot more homesick leaving Ireland than I would be leaving the States, because he has more ties there than just friends and family. If there was any way possible, I would go there with him, even though I don't relish the thought of living in Ireland(beautiful, but way too cold for this Southern girl!) because I want to make him happy, as he does me.

 

Relationships are about two people, and there is rarely room for selfishness, especially in a long-distance relationship where every issue and problem is amplified by the distance.

 

Then again I suspect there would rarely be divorce if everyone had to go through being in a LDR to be with their SO, as it certainly weeds out those who aren't truly committed

 

I think you don't know enough about me or my relationship to be making those kinds of statements. I feel no one is here, because they didn't ask for anymore information as stated in the first post. The only person I wish to share that information with, I feel, has not helped and I'd rather do this in private.

[Lovin a scrapper]

I think you don't know enough about me or my relationship to be making those kinds of statements. I feel no one is here, because they didn't ask for anymore information as stated in the first post. The only person I wish to share that information with, I feel, has not helped and I'd rather do this in private.

 

Maybe you need to go find another site to post in. All that you seem to want to do is try to get in conflicts with everyone who tries to be helpful and this is absolutely the wrong forum to be like that in. We have several awesome people in here and TMichaels and hoping2heal are two of the best along with several others but your reaction to their posts leaves something to be desired.

[espearite]

Maybe you need to go find another site to post in. All that you seem to want to do is try to get in conflicts with everyone who tries to be helpful and this is absolutely the wrong forum to be like that in. We have several awesome people in here and TMichaels and hoping2heal are two of the best along with several others but your reaction to their posts leaves something to be desired.

 

I am TRYING to get help, not make conflict anymore. All Cavey posted here was that I broke up with him and there was no hope of moving. He failed to mention a few more things. People seem to be misinformed about the relationship and why I am refusing to move over there now. I am not giving out information on my personal life but to one person, and this is TMichaels because I think he can help. He brought up a lot things that point to the problem.

[espearite]

You're right. I should find another site, or better yet, stop trying to make this relationship work altogether. I don't need the stress, not from him or anyone else who won't bother to understand where I am coming from. I don't need your approval or anyone else's. Yeah, I did some things that were not right at this site, and I apologize for that to all the members who were offended. On the other hand, I don't see my ex killing himself to make anything work, not from day 1. Judge all you want on what kind of a person I am. I've decided today I've moved on. I'm not going to be killing myself for someone who hasn't done the same. One year of taking it from him and then saying yes to many more? No way. There's a better someone whose been waiting for me at church.

[hoping2heal]

Some interesting event(s) have or are taking place that have lead me to change my mind. You are right, Mountainlove, happiness means more to me than the material things. Yeah, love won't pay the bills, but I am at a disadvantage over there, with no family, no friends, but being "the girlfriend." Who is going to really have my best interest when things look ugly? Over here, I have family and real friends that care about me. If he really loves me, he's going to be willing to give up everything to be with me. If he can't, I've got nothing to lose. Yes, everyone, this is my final post.

 

OP; have you thought about him? I realise you two broke up, but I hope you realise all you've done is think about yourself. You say "you people don't know enough about me to judge me" that's fair enough, but I do know the only person you've thought about is yourself, you haven't mentioned what it will be like for him to not have any friends, family or alliances. Also, you are putting him somewhere that employment may be hard to come by for a long time; whereas you could still thrive. I think you should flip your convinient little phrase back on yourself.

 

Oh, and for the record, not that I would expect you to know this anyway judging by the maturity shown in your posts, but you don't know that the guy at church is better. You don't know the guy at church, you haven't seen him act and react under stress, and pain, and tough situations in life. You won't ever know whether he was better or not until time has passed.

 

What strikes me as the most ironic, is that this man is the one not losing anything in you. In the words of IG, he could throw a rock down the street and meet ten women like you, who think they shouldn't have to give a thing in their relationships, they should only have to get their way, and they should only have to hear people tell them they are right and that they know better, yet it's their own blend of ignorance and arrogance that will hinder them in some cases their entire lives, from ever finding anything quality in a relationship or a man, because birds of a feather flock together honey, and a quality good man would want a quality good woman. So, you just think about that while you sit there on your high horse believing you're justified and playing tonsil hockey with the new, better, guy from church.