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[thedistance]

Hello,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years, he is 32 and I'm 26. I recently moved from FL to CA in order to finish school and pursue my dream in filmmaking. I have been planning this since we met and he backed me up all the way. I haven't been able to do this before because life got in the way and we had to endure alot of tragedies in my family. We have always had a rocky relationship (even broke up for 2 months then got back together because we missed each other and loved each other). We have been a apart since March and we talk on the phone for about 10 mins (he is always the one ending the call) and all other days we just talk online. About two months ago I told him I was going to have a three day weekend in Sept and I thought it would be great for him to come out since it's been a while since he's been to Ca. He thought that was a good idea and I didn't bring it up for a while until a couple of weeks ago. I looked online and found some pretty cheap prices and if we split the costs we could prob make it work. I mean a $500 ticket would be $250 each and he would be at my place, so we wouldn't need a hotel. He has always been the one to plan things out and make sure he's had the money for things, but it just seems as the years go by he says he has money for nothing. When we first go together we would do things, but after a couple of years that stopped because he would say he was tired or just didn't have the money or argue with me to stop bringing it up. He really made it sound like he was going to come out, but now he is saying he would rather help me out on bills (his half of insurance and cell phone that he has only put $200 towards since March) then to spend the money to come out. I told him that it wasn't a good idea because it's important to see each other when we can in an LDR and the only next time can be Christmas when I come there. He just said he would rather help me out first, so we can both manage our bills. I just left it at that and haven't said anything since and will just plan on coming in December. He has also gotten a lot moodier over the months. He takes everything that happens to him out on me. For instance, last night his hard-drive quit on him and I asked him today if he was able to get it working. He got upset because I brought it up again and it ruined the whole online conversation we had. I am the type of person that tries to look at the glass half full because I have lost two siblings and a father in the last seven years. He always seems unhappy though and never takes chances in his life (like starting his own biz like he's always wanted to, but says he will never have the money). It just seems as the days go by in this LDR he doesn't give it much of an effort to have a conversation with me and it's hard to because it does get boring after a while. He is not the type that will send me flowers or packages in the mail to show me he loves me. I mean I could do that, but he gets embarrassed with that stuff. He has gotten me flowers once, but that's just him. He doesn't buy his own mother flowers because he says they die w/in a week. I know I'm just ranting now, but it's hard when I don't have anyone to talk to about this except for my mom(who thinks I can always do better..) I really do love him and hope we can work this out, but I don't know how I can make it better. What would you do?

 

Thank you so much!

 

I'm glad I found a community with other people in the same boat as me.

 

TD

[Island Girl]

We have been a apart since March and we talk on the phone for about 10 mins (he is always the one ending the call)

 

This is a huge red flag.

 

 

and all other days we just talk online.

 

And how long are those conversations? Do you talk about anything and everything?

 

 

When we first go together we would do things, but after a couple of years that stopped because he would say he was tired or just didn't have the money or argue with me to stop bringing it up.

 

So he has become lazy in the relationship. He is complacent. And he thinks he doesn't have to treat you as special because you'll stay anyway.

And apparently he is right because you have put up with 5 years of this stuff.

 

A person doesn't need money to do special things for the one they love.

It isn't about money. It is about effort.

You lowered your expectations for him. And now that bar is so low that he does nothing at all and you are still there putting up with it.

 

 

He really made it sound like he was going to come out, but now he is saying he would rather help me out on bills (his half of insurance and cell phone that he has only put $200 towards since March) then to spend the money to come out.

 

So he rides along on your coattails for things? His insurance is in your name and so is his cell -- ? But he hasn't made sure they are paid in full all the time?

AND ON TOP OF THAT he does nothing for you - doesn't talk to you for longer than 10 minutes each time (on the phone YOU pay for) ??

 

Whoa girlfriend. This guy is really treating you like crap. You deserve better.

But in order to get treated well you have to expect it and be willing to move on if you don't get it.

If you do not stand up for yourself and demand more you will be treated this way for the rest of the relationship - in fact it will deteriorate further.

OUCH.

 

 

I told him that it wasn't a good idea because it's important to see each other when we can in an LDR and the only next time can be Christmas when I come there. He just said he would rather help me out first, so we can both manage our bills. I just left it at that and haven't said anything since and will just plan on coming in December.

 

How easily you concede to what he says. If this was important to you (and it should be since you are prioritizing the relationship) you should have stuck to your guns.

Seriously - the not wanting to see each other would be a deal breaker for me.

He has an opportunity to see you and he doesn't scramble to make it happen? That's crap.

 

He has also gotten a lot moodier over the months. He takes everything that happens to him out on me. For instance, last night his hard-drive quit on him and I asked him today if he was able to get it working. He got upset because I brought it up again and it ruined the whole online conversation we had.

 

And how did you resolve this problem? Because taking stuff out on you that has nothing at all to do with you is yet another HUGE problem and is a BIG RED FLAG as far as the respect he has for you and how much he values the relationship with you.

 

I am the type of person that tries to look at the glass half full because I have lost two siblings and a father in the last seven years.

 

I am sorry you have experienced such loss.

 

But perhaps this is why you are unwilling to see how badly you are being treated - then being put in a position so that you must walk away from this guy.

 

Life is short. You deserve someone who will treat you right. He isn't doing it. You should have a very clear conversation about YOU being the priority in his life and treated as though you matter to him.

If it doesn't change then you really do need to dump him and move on to find someone who will bring joy and happiness to your life.

 

He always seems unhappy though and never takes chances in his life (like starting his own biz like he's always wanted to, but says he will never have the money).

 

Maybe the two of you just are two different types of people. And as such are not a good match at the most basic level.

 

It just seems as the days go by in this LDR he doesn't give it much of an effort to have a conversation with me and it's hard to because it does get boring after a while.

 

I don't see him making an effort either.

 

And he isn't trying to have stimulating conversation. He seems boring. Boring people have boring conversations.

 

He is not the type that will send me flowers or packages in the mail to show me he loves me.

 

It isn't about the flowers or packages. He can't even spend more than 10 minutes on the phone with you or come out to see you! That is so horrible.

 

The effort has to go both ways for an LDR to be successful. There HAS to be commitment on both sides to be involved and keep their partner happy.

 

 

I don't have anyone to talk to about this except for my mom(who thinks I can always do better..) I really do love him and hope we can work this out, but I don't know how I can make it better. What would you do?

 

I, like your mom, think you CAN do better.

 

I think he can do better but it will be his choice if he does or not. You deserve more from the relationship. Either he will step up to the plate and provide it because he doesn't want to lose you - or he won't and you simply must move on.

 

The first step is having a very blunt conversation about not being happy with the way things are and that you will end it if they don't change.

 

Then, if they don't change, you simply MUST end it and move on.

 

The point is YOU can't do the work to make things better. He has to. And if he is unwilling then it is a lost cause and you will continue to get what you have been getting.

 

You deserve everything life and a relationship has to offer. Support, caring, importance, love, devotion, etc.

Quit settling and get what you deserve.

[musgrrl]

I can relate to what you are going through. MY SO used to have short phone calls like that with me and he would always end them. He also didn't communicate with me as much as I would have liked. I've had a few talks with him and it has improved, but we still don't communicate like I see others on here. It would be a dream of mine if we spoke everyday.

 

You've been with your guy a long time. He really should have more enthusiam to see you. But again, I am sort of dealing with the same situation. My guy is afraid for me to book a flight because he's afraid his job will have him working and will ruin the time we spend together. He's a federal agent and they work like crazy. The last time we saw each other was in March, too. I've been trying to arrange for us to see each other at the end of this month. We'll see if this happens.

 

I guess at some point, you just know. If you get a gut feeling that he's just taking you for granted, then you should just pull back. Have no contact with him. Who knows, it might be the thing that gets him to do better. But I know how hard that can be. I've been thinking about doing the same thing. Just pulling back. Stop initiating. See if he gives a damn.

 

I think Island Girl summed it up for you. I think it's just a matter of you deciding not to be treated like a doormat. I'm struggling along right with you. Let's hope we both have the strength to do what need to be done.

[KikiW]

Island Girl nailed all the points. She's a voice of wisdom on this board, I highly recommend you give her post a good thought.

 

It sounds to me like he is in a rut. He is 32 years old and piggybacking on YOU, a student, for certain bills? It's time for him to grow up and start taking some initiative here.

 

He's making no effort to make sure you know how special you are. He is making no effort to show you how much he loves you. He is making no effort to be your boyfriend. So WHY is he your boyfriend?

 

You CAN do better.

[thedistance]

This is a huge red flag.

 

 

 

 

And how long are those conversations? Do you talk about anything and everything?

 

Well online we can talk from 20-60 mins, it just depends. Our phone conversations can be a little longer on the weekends, but he is always tired after work during the week. I guess they are so short because it's hard to find things to talk about. We can only talk about so much what has been going on in our day. He will send me text messages sometimes telling me loves me and stuff.

 

 

 

 

So he has become lazy in the relationship. He is complacent. And he thinks he doesn't have to treat you as special because you'll stay anyway.

And apparently he is right because you have put up with 5 years of this stuff.

 

He is not the only one to blame in this because he had to go through three deaths in my family and try to be there for me through all of them. He was always there when bad things happened. I had to deal with ALOT of depression and he had to try to be there for me, so it's not all him. Over the past year, I've just starting getting better and trying to overcome alot of things.

 

A person doesn't need money to do special things for the one they love.

It isn't about money. It is about effort.

You lowered your expectations for him. And now that bar is so low that he does nothing at all and you are still there putting up with it.

You're very right about that. We still do some special things, like watching the sunset on the beach, but we didn't travel anymore. If something was going to be done like going for a walk, the beach, or a nice dinner it was mainly me that brought it up. He never was the one to initiate things....

 

 

 

So he rides along on your coattails for things? His insurance is in your name and so is his cell -- ? But he hasn't made sure they are paid in full all the time?

AND ON TOP OF THAT he does nothing for you - doesn't talk to you for longer than 10 minutes each time (on the phone YOU pay for) ??

 

Well he has just been able to put some money towards it because he has been paying his cash towards getting his transmission fixed and he just got it paid off a few weeks ago. I'm going to see what happens to that. He will have to get his own insurance soon though, but we keep the phone the way it is because it's still cheaper that way. Hopefully he will be able to help out since he doesn't have those big bills anymore. It will be just another reg flag if he doesn't.

 

Whoa girlfriend. This guy is really treating you like crap. You deserve better.

But in order to get treated well you have to expect it and be willing to move on if you don't get it.

If you do not stand up for yourself and demand more you will be treated this way for the rest of the relationship - in fact it will deteriorate further.

OUCH.

 

Yeah I know.. I have told him how I felt about our conversations, but it doesn't work. We have been through so much since we've been together I was hoping this time apart would be good for our relationship and he would grow up a little. I won't be going to see him and my family until Christmas, so I think I'll know how I feel then once and for all. It just sucks throwing seven years away because he can be a really great guy, except for the responsibility part and always unhappy part..

 

 

 

How easily you concede to what he says. If this was important to you (and it should be since you are prioritizing the relationship) you should have stuck to your guns.

Seriously - the not wanting to see each other would be a deal breaker for me.

He has an opportunity to see you and he doesn't scramble to make it happen? That's crap.

 

I know and I did try, trust me. I got upset and told him to please really try to make it work. He is really good at turning the argument around back at me. I hate that...

 

 

 

And how did you resolve this problem? Because taking stuff out on you that has nothing at all to do with you is yet another HUGE problem and is a BIG RED FLAG as far as the respect he has for you and how much he values the relationship with you.

 

I just said fine I will never bring it up again unless you say something. He just said thank you and the was the last of it. I meant that remark to try to stif the fire, but it didn't work. I just hate fighting with him.

 

I am sorry you have experienced such loss.

 

But perhaps this is why you are unwilling to see how badly you are being treated - then being put in a position so that you must walk away from this guy.

 

Life is short. You deserve someone who will treat you right. He isn't doing it. You should have a very clear conversation about YOU being the priority in his life and treated as though you matter to him.

If it doesn't change then you really do need to dump him and move on to find someone who will bring joy and happiness to your life.

 

I know and thank you. You may have a point with everything I have gone through, him treating me like that is not as bad as losing someone.

 

 

Maybe the two of you just are two different types of people. And as such are not a good match at the most basic level.

 

Again..you are right. I think I'm just looking for something that will never be there.

 

 

 

I don't see him making an effort either.

 

And he isn't trying to have stimulating conversation. He seems boring. Boring people have boring conversations.

 

Well it was easier when we saw each other, but it's different in an LDR. We talk about a lot of the same things. It gets changed up once in a while, but it's hard.

 

 

It isn't about the flowers or packages. He can't even spend more than 10 minutes on the phone with you or come out to see you! That is so horrible.

 

The effort has to go both ways for an LDR to be successful. There HAS to be commitment on both sides to be involved and keep their partner happy.

 

 

 

 

I, like your mom, think you CAN do better.

 

I would listen to her more if she has a successful marriage and relationships, but she doesn't.

 

I think he can do better but it will be his choice if he does or not. You deserve more from the relationship. Either he will step up to the plate and provide it because he doesn't want to lose you - or he won't and you simply must move on.

 

The first step is having a very blunt conversation about not being happy with the way things are and that you will end it if they don't change.

 

Then, if they don't change, you simply MUST end it and move on.

 

The point is YOU can't do the work to make things better. He has to. And if he is unwilling then it is a lost cause and you will continue to get what you have been getting.

 

You deserve everything life and a relationship has to offer. Support, caring, importance, love, devotion, etc.

Quit settling and get what you deserve.

 

You are completely right. It was hard hearing that, but I needed to hear it. Again, I will prob wait until I see him in Dec and we will talk. I do not want to break up over the phone if that's the route it's going to go. I need to see him.

 

Thank you all for your support. I really needed to hear that.