Not feeling the love

[FreeMe]

Hi Everyone,

I've just joined and could really use some feedback. I'm not sure what to think about this and I could use some input. My boyfriend of about 9 months and I have been living together for about 5 months. Things were going great. I've never been so happy and he said the same. I'm 38 and he's 48. He'd been married for over 20 years. I have never been married but have been in mostly damaging relationships. I'm trying to break out of that pattern of getting involved with men who are either emotionally abusive, unavailable for one reason or another, mean, selfish, etc. My previous relationship I really put myself through pure hell. I say I did it because I take responsibility for not getting out of it early on and for letting it drag on and on.

 

Anyway, all these problem relationships have put me on my guard and I'm always on the alert for red flags. Well, as I said, this has been going great. But in the past couple of weeks things have changed a little. He's not saying he loves me much. He's not saying sweet things to me. He's not even looking at me the way he was before. Basically, I'm not "feeling the love" from him like I was just a few weeks ago and for the entire relationship. He doesn't seem to appreciate me and all the nice things I do for him the way he did before, nor all the ways I'm different from his ex. I've asked him if anything is bothering him and he says no. I've asked if anything is on his mind: No. I've asked if I have done something wrong and he says No. He said this is normal and that we have settled into living day to day.

 

Well, I know that I am analyzing things too much, but on the other hand, I also don't think that the tenderness should disappear just because we're getting used to each other. He says he's not doing anything different (and gets defensive if I suggest he is). He also came out of a marriage where he had absolutely no emotional demands on him. He was basically like a roommate and a paycheck in his marriage. So I think maybe his view of how we should be settling in is not really realistic either. And I admit that mine might also have been a bit idealistic.

 

But I think there should be a middle ground. When we have talked about it, he always says that I want him to fall all over me all the time and that is absolutely not true. One thing that I think maybe turned him off a little and he's not admitting to is that I have been jealous, which I'm working on controlling and doing pretty well. But I'm thinking that maybe that turned him off a little and now I'm paying. If that's it, how do I fix this? I am trying not to act insecure, but it's so hard because I am! All it takes is just a little bit more from him and I feel completely secure. I'm not sure what to do and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. Thanks.

[Candygirl925]

Well, I don't have any experience with marriage or the whole living together thing. But I do know that once men get comfortable with you and know you're not going anywhere, the romantic stuff is basically over. Until they screw up really bad and then they might bring you flowers or something. I'm guilty of being a bit idealistic myself and was always disappointed. So I just learned not to expect much. Sounds bad but that's the best advice I have for you.

[peaches1234]

Hmm...I dunno if I agree. It's true that the romance may die down a bit, but not all guys take their girlfreinds/wives for granted.

[Faerie Princess]

What are you doing for him?

 

How do you make him feel loved, special, on fire?

 

What is he looking for?

 

What else is going on in your lives/his life? Work, Money, Illness, stress?

 

I'd suggest talking. I also strongly reccommend to anyone a book called "the Couple's Comfort book." It has excellent exercises and other tools to help nurture and grow your relationship.

 

The best way to change patterns of behavior is to recognize that they exist, chose how we want to use them or lose them and make concious efforts. You nor your boyfriend are the same people you were 5 minutes ago, let alone 5 years. Allow yourself to be a vital growing person and you'll find it easier to develop this relationship in a mold that both of you find satisfying.

[FreeMe]

Hi,

 

Thanks for replying. I'll look for the book you suggested Faerie Princess. I think I might have found out something that was bothering him but I'm not sure. I'll just have to see how things go. We had a huge fight last night and today and this may change things even more - maybe for the worse. But if this is the thing that was bothering him then it might help. I don't know. Bad day. Sometimes I really think I should just stay single for life.

[Arabess]

Free.....you could be reading into things when he is only pre-occupied with other thoughts. Men don't always "nurture " a relationship as well as women do...nor do they put as much importance in it. Tell him you aren't in the mood a few nights....THAT will get his attention! HAHA. It may sound silly....but I've found "no sex" is a giant GONG in a man's head. All of a sudden they realize they need to make some effort.

 

It is hard when you start feeling like a comfortable shoe though....and apparently lots of wives go thru that.

 

Let us know how the book turns out!

[FreeMe]

Arabess,

 

You have a good point there. I hate to be like that but I think he does need a "gong" as you say. Sometimes the other thing that wakes men up is a little jealousy. I'm not planning on using that because I don't play games (I've been the recipient of way too many head games) but I keep hoping that an ex-boyfriend would call or send an email out of the blue! This past summer we were running into my ex every weekend and boy, my current boyfriend would get extra loving and attentive whenever that happened!