Otep Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Just had a 10 day vacation with the wife and in that 10 days only had sex once WTF....it just sucks. I found myself looking at other women and even the small things made me wish my wife was more like that...women with their nails done, dressed nice hair done......the simple things and you can't even have....just had to vent it sucks it really does suck....IDC care what age group 20s,30s 40s 50s if your out there doing your hair and nails and taking care of yourself and your husband or BF dosent appreciate it just know that guy who is checking you out is Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 But did you have any other kinds of intimacy? Or is it just about sex? Did you two do massages, kiss and cuddle, take a bath together? Shower together? Make it romantic? Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 But did you have any other kinds of intimacy? Or is it just about sex?For the OP, it's all about the sex. That's not an insult to him, it's just that sex is what matters. Other forms of intimacy are crumbs. I really wish women would get this. When a man in a committed relationship is being sexually rejected, it's not just the act that's being turned down. It's the fact that she's rejecting him totally, as a man, as a provider, as a lover, as a confidant, as, well, everything. Yes, men take sexual rejection in a committed relationship terribly personally because a sexual rejection is a rejection of all he is as a man. And since most men need affirmations from their partner that they're respected in the relationship for who they are and what they do, a sexual rejection is pretty much about the coldest thing a woman can do to her man. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Maybe she noticed you checking out the other women. If your attention was completely focused on her during the vacation, I guarantee, you would have got lucky more than once. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I feel for you, been there! Myself and the wife got back together after a very nasty patch some time ago, and despite the promise of frequent sex (I was leaving, otherwise), my wife is still using sex as a weapon! We had a row yesterday and guess what? No sex... she can't forgive me. I can't complain or ever criticise her because then sex is withhold. I'm really fed-up with this. She invites her sister in law to stay and then she announces that she is going out that evening. Sis in law knows, I don't! It was my wife's birthday the day before and I bought flowers and champagne for a little celebration and she goes out. She never informed me! Obviously, after I said that she could have told me, she goes ballistic and doesn't go out! I've had enough really... and sorry for the rant! Otep, seems to me that you are not gaining anything from your relationship... I would consider divorce in your shoes... it's not going to get better! Link to post Share on other sites
Vet Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Just had a 10 day vacation with the wife and in that 10 days only had sex once WTF....it just sucks. I found myself looking at other women and even the small things made me wish my wife was more like that...women with their nails done, dressed nice hair done......the simple things and you can't even have....just had to vent it sucks it really does suck....IDC care what age group 20s,30s 40s 50s if your out there doing your hair and nails and taking care of yourself and your husband or BF dosent appreciate it just know that guy who is checking you out is I replied to your other thread, but this post really just backs up what I was saying there. Your posts scream out a subtext of a woman who is not only taking care of kids and stressing over a job, but also has to deal with a husband that doesn't find her attractive and is ogling other women that actually have the time and money to do their nails and hair. If you empathized with her instead, you'll find that she's more receptive to you. But from what I've seen from you, it doesn't look like you're going to do that. You seem to have an infantile fascination with pretty eye candy, and it sounds like you're just looking to cheat. Don't do that to her; you've got some issues that need to be examined--issues that are going to creep into any relationship you find yourself in. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 But did you have any other kinds of intimacy? Or is it just about sex? Did you two do massages, kiss and cuddle, take a bath together? Shower together? Make it romantic? You've contributed 34,000+ responses and this is all you have?!?! Makes me wonder about the other 34,000.... Why is there always some silly response such as the above, or the following post questioning the male looking at other women??? What is the point of this.... Again, very simple.... If on vacation, especially is spouse pays and organizes (and please no comments about buying affection and prostitution), and you are leaving your home stress behind, expect your spouse wants lot's of sex..... If you don't want it.... Decline the vacation.... Sorry for my rant.... Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 You've contributed 34,000+ responses and this is all you have?!?! Makes me wonder about the other 34,000.... Why is there always some silly response such as the above, or the following post questioning the male looking at other women??? What is the point of this.... Again, very simple.... If on vacation, especially is spouse pays and organizes (and please no comments about buying affection and prostitution), and you are leaving your home stress behind, expect your spouse wants lot's of sex..... If you don't want it.... Decline the vacation.... Sorry for my rant.... There wasn't much information to go on from this post. Sometimes the simple answers for simple posts works best. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 There wasn't much information to go on from this post. Sometimes the simple answers for simple posts works best. May be I expect too much.... But this response is too typical.... i.e. what did you do to promote intimacy.... I promise you 95% of people do those things and that is not the point. You go on vacation, probably are eating well every day, enjoying the sun & relaxing/sightseeing, playing..... How many times do I repeat myself and say that men do have this checklist and when they've checked it all off and sex does not happen they feel beyond rejected. The response was to another female adding further parameters and questions, and basically telling the male that they have fallen short again.... So friggin old..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 And what you don't understand about women is, we're not just holes to provide sex. For women, we also need some other forms of intimacy, in and outside of the bedroom. It goes both ways and somehow the OP and his wife have to meet in the middle to get the romance back again. Read his other thread. This isn't just about sex, there are so many other issues in his marriage, sex is only half the problem.. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 How many times do I repeat myself and say that men do have this checklist and when they've checked it all off and sex does not happen they feel beyond rejected.There's a lot of truth to this, maybe more than might be apparent on the surface. So often in relationships, sex is agreed to as some kind of reward for good behavior. The most intimate and important aspect of the relationship is reduced to some sort of quid pro quo - "Do what I want in a certain way, fulfil ALL my needs first and if the stars are aligned and everything comes together perfectly, I MIGHT consider sex." It objectifies with woman as a sex object and a dispenser of 'the goods' and the man as a slavering fool who has to jump through innumerable, often invisible and highly-erratic hoops just in order to physically express his love to his wife/partner. It damages both parties and sullies the relationship. If men would understand that women tend to respond more to those little romantic things during that they can do during the day, they're more likely to enjoy sex with their partner. Women also need to understand that rejecting a man's sexual advances in a committed relationship, even if he did not do all those little magical things and read your mind about what you want, is terribly hurtful and a complete rejection of him. If the woman was more open to sexual intimacy, the man would be far more likely to do those little things that women tend to find appealing. But when the sex tap is turned off, the chances of him doing those things also dries up. It all starts with sexual intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I have to agree with Tood... the couple is on vacation... the sun, the beach, the sand.. drinks.. half naked people walking around.. everything to make a person horny.. and he doesn't get anything.. or he gets it once because she probably felt obligated... she has no excuses IMO... there are no kids, no stress, no housework, just plain fun vacation.... what's the excuse? Methink she is frigid or simply lazy.. IT SUCKS.. I understand him... Sorry but stories like this one are too frequent.. In all the years I've travelled.. I've seen sooooo many times.. couples siting next to each other at the beach or in restaurants.. and all they do all day is 'people watch'... they hardly speak to each other.. So yes.. I sympathise with him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 There's a lot of truth to this, maybe more than might be apparent on the surface. So often in relationships, sex is agreed to as some kind of reward for good behavior. The most intimate and important aspect of the relationship is reduced to some sort of quid pro quo - "Do what I want in a certain way, fulfil ALL my needs first and if the stars are aligned and everything comes together perfectly, I MIGHT consider sex." It objectifies with woman as a sex object and a dispenser of 'the goods' and the man as a slavering fool who has to jump through innumerable, often invisible and highly-erratic hoops just in order to physically express his love to his wife/partner. It damages both parties and sullies the relationship. If men would understand that women tend to respond more to those little romantic things during that they can do during the day, they're more likely to enjoy sex with their partner. Women also need to understand that rejecting a man's sexual advances in a committed relationship, even if he did not do all those little magical things and read your mind about what you want, is terribly hurtful and a complete rejection of him. If the woman was more open to sexual intimacy, the man would be far more likely to do those little things that women tend to find appealing. But when the sex tap is turned off, the chances of him doing those things also dries up. It all starts with sexual intimacy. Okay I saw the OP and frankly as a member only recently I too have gotten so bored about these posts, even though I joined basically due to the fact I feel like the undersexed spouse.... The OP's other post frankly I ignored and there are other issues involved and he is not absolved of guilt based on his comments and obsession with his prowess, looks and comments about other women and the gym. However this was a 10 day vacation and yes when away, sex is right at the top of the list, especially when it is missing (less frequent) at home. Very simply Thaddeus said it well that it is like jumping through a moving hoop.... And as a male we are really pretty simple.... If we like sex, the woman likes it too, we feel each other is attractive, and the pluming works.... we want it and are so lost when it does not happen.... Link to post Share on other sites
Vet Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 If everything is fine at home, but other obligations like children, work, busy schedules, and the like are preventing sex from occurring then yes, both people should be jumping each others' bones and having a good time. However, that obviously didn't happen in this case when all those distractions were gone (work, kids, etc.), which makes me believe that something more is going on and that things aren't fine at home. In my experience, women don't stop liking sex "just because"; there's always an impetus. Find out why the change, and you can work on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 If everything is fine at home, but other obligations like children, work, busy schedules, and the like are preventing sex from occurring then yes, both people should be jumping each others' bones and having a good time. However, that obviously didn't happen in this case when all those distractions were gone (work, kids, etc.), which makes me believe that something more is going on and that things aren't fine at home. In my experience, women don't stop liking sex "just because"; there's always an impetus. Find out why the change, and you can work on it. Sorry not that simple.... Many males (yes predominantly males) will tell you that everything is fine, they have their family and life stresses, ups and downs.... but a vacation, which they expect will change things, usually doesn't or it just seems like "yea, I know what you want..... let's get it done and over with." Link to post Share on other sites
Vet Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Sorry not that simple.... Many males (yes predominantly males) will tell you that everything is fine, they have their family and life stresses, ups and downs.... but a vacation, which they expect will change things, usually doesn't or it just seems like "yea, I know what you want..... let's get it done and over with." I'm not talking about him thinking everything is fine. This guy doesn't make things sound like they're fine, even if he himself thinks they are. Men (or women) that think that a vacation will fix all their underlying problems at home (or even that they can be suspended) are destined for a rude awakening. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I'm not talking about him thinking everything is fine. This guy doesn't make things sound like they're fine, even if he himself thinks they are. Men (or women) that think that a vacation will fix all their underlying problems at home (or even that they can be suspended) are destined for a rude awakening. Yes, sometimes we think things will be "fixed".... However more often then not it is not fixing that is the issue.... It is the getting away from it all should make things better and surprise, surprise (on the husband's part) there is absolutely no change. Link to post Share on other sites
Vet Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Yes, sometimes we think things will be "fixed".... However more often then not it is not fixing that is the issue.... It is the getting away from it all should make things better and surprise, surprise (on the husband's part) there is absolutely no change. I guess I'm just not explaining it well enough: men that think a small vacation will fix or suspend their problems at home are ignorant of how relationships work. You can't have major issues in your relationship and expect that a week away will do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I found an article that relates specifically to the fact that 'vacation sex' tends to be a misnomer. See Vacation Sex. Sorry about the page, it's a whack of text and the article starts about halfway down the page. Some salient quotes from the article: One-third of people report that they have better and more frequent sex on vacation, according to the 2004 National Leisure Travel Monitor, a random survey of 1,350 people... So what's up with the other two-thirds? (emphasis added) Plenty of wives see vacation as a time to get away from all of their responsibilities at home - and that includes sex, for some. (emphasis added) To many men, "enjoyment" and "relaxation" equals sex. But to their partners, those same words mean quiet time, reading and shopping. Love (that's the name of the researcher) recalls one couple who spent an ill-fated fifth wedding anniversary at an upscale resort. To mark the occasion, the wife wanted the sex to be the tender, look-into-my-eyes-and-tell-me-you-love-me kind. She didn't tell her husband that. (emphasis added) He put his efforts into endurance and technique. For that, he was rewarded with the silent treatment throughout their $200 celebratory dinner. "A lot of women do that - hope for something without talking about it..." Want to have great vacation sex? Pack a good attitude. Women, send flowers to men. "Women love romance and almost never do it - they expect the man to," says Kelly Simpson, a Dallas marriage therapist who leads intimacy workshops for couples. "Now why is that? When you go on a vacation and expect it to be oh-so-romantic and it doesn't happen that way, well, now, why didn't you do it?" Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I found an article that relates specifically to the fact that 'vacation sex' tends to be a misnomer. See Vacation Sex. Sorry about the page, it's a whack of text and the article starts about halfway down the page. Some salient quotes from the article: One-third of people report that they have better and more frequent sex on vacation, according to the 2004 National Leisure Travel Monitor, a random survey of 1,350 people... So what's up with the other two-thirds? (emphasis added) Plenty of wives see vacation as a time to get away from all of their responsibilities at home - and that includes sex, for some. (emphasis added) To many men, "enjoyment" and "relaxation" equals sex. But to their partners, those same words mean quiet time, reading and shopping. Love (that's the name of the researcher) recalls one couple who spent an ill-fated fifth wedding anniversary at an upscale resort. To mark the occasion, the wife wanted the sex to be the tender, look-into-my-eyes-and-tell-me-you-love-me kind. She didn't tell her husband that. (emphasis added) He put his efforts into endurance and technique. For that, he was rewarded with the silent treatment throughout their $200 celebratory dinner. "A lot of women do that - hope for something without talking about it..." Want to have great vacation sex? Pack a good attitude. Women, send flowers to men. "Women love romance and almost never do it - they expect the man to," says Kelly Simpson, a Dallas marriage therapist who leads intimacy workshops for couples. "Now why is that? When you go on a vacation and expect it to be oh-so-romantic and it doesn't happen that way, well, now, why didn't you do it?" Ughhhh!!!!! I don't want no stinkin flowers.... Point 4 is especially silly (sorry look into my eyes and tell me you love me, would make me and my spouse retch)..... Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Ughhhh!!!!! I don't want no stinkin flowers.... Point 4 is especially silly (sorry look into my eyes and tell me you love me, would make me and my spouse retch).....Frankly, I'm not a big fan of flowers either, but the point is that it shouldn't always be up to the male to take initiative in romance. And that thing about "tell me you love me" is because she wanted something but expected her husband to read her mind about it. Pretty typical, I'm afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Frankly, I'm not a big fan of flowers either, but the point is that it shouldn't always be up to the male to take initiative in romance. And that thing about "tell me you love me" is because she wanted something but expected her husband to read her mind about it. Pretty typical, I'm afraid. How about stripping down to sexy underwear when least expected, whispering something sexy in his ear or doing something different????? Bet you that works just slightly better then flowers..... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I like flowers... at least, it would be something... Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I haven't read any of the OP's other threads or posts, and I have no idea of what their marriage is typically like or (especially) how his wife feels about him and their marriage. But i do have a very simply suggestion for him. Go buy her a year's worth of standing appointments for getting her nails done. Give her a year's worth of hair coloring and styling every 6 weeks at her favorite salon. Give her a $500 gift card (or more) to a good department store, and make sure that the kids are taken care of her for her to have a shopping spree. If you want to see appreciation from a woman, then do something FOR her to make her aware of how beautiful she is and how much you enjoy showing her off in public. I had an XH who begrudged every penny I spent on my hair or clothes. I never had a manicure until I was divorced. But he sure liked to complain if i didn't look great or if I need a trim, or if I wore the same dress too often to work. I was too freaking scared of him to spend money! Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Go buy her a year's worth of standing appointments for getting her nails done. Give her a year's worth of hair coloring and styling every 6 weeks at her favorite salon. Give her a $500 gift card (or more) to a good department store, and make sure that the kids are taken care of her for her to have a shopping spree. I guess you men were right all along... You have to pay for it, either way. Link to post Share on other sites
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