Partner might be a dad. What can I say to him?

[Haruka]

My partner of four years has a few times mentioned that he might be a father.

 

He is ten years my senior and so I don't batter an eyelid at the notion of him having a child. However he always says he MIGHT have a son to an ex-girlfriend whom was raped around the time of conception of the child by an man of different ethinicity.

 

A few questions has come to mind, if this girl was pregnant (not questioned if she was) then why wouldn't my partner have stayed with her through her pregnancy to "support her". Weither she was raped or not I feel for the girl especially as I thought of the time stage the girl was merely 16 and he was 24. So she was a baby herself and it must have been hard not to have support of a boyfriend or what ever. He never went into detail on why he left her during her pregnancy.

 

Why I am posting this is that a few weeks ago my partner met my sister's boyfriend and they went off drinking at a pub. We went on a double date and my sister and I went to the bathroom together and when we were walking back my partner muttered to my sis' boyfriend "Don't say what I told you."

 

When my partner later went to the bathroom both my sister and I asked her new boyfriend what my partner told him and he replied "Oh he told me that one of his ex-girlfriends told him that she was raped and she got pregnant and perhaps he was the dad."

 

Early this year my partner came inside of me during one sex sessions and paniced told me and became frantic about a child isn't what we need right now. I posted on a thread about this a while ago. Me and him don't even use birth control and he is good at holding himself and using withdrawel or we use anal.

 

Which has got me thinking this episode of the child, if the child existed why has the mother not contacted my partner for child support or the least given access visits or gave him infomation on the child or to be apart of the child's life? Perhaps it is the rapist's child? Obviously it is plaguing my partner's mind every now and then. So many questions.

 

What can I say to him to talk about what happened. I know some people can say "Well it's not your business." But I have been with him for four nearly five years and if I was a guy and had a child out there somewhere I would want to be apart of the child's life.

 

So guys what is there that I can do?

[SoulSearch_CO]

I think the fact that he is so blasé about possibly having a child speaks volumes of his character. Not to mention how he just casually mentions it to people like, "Oh, I tried chocolate cake once. I didn't like it." How odd.

 

There's not a whole lot you can do. My XH had children with an XW of his and really didn't put forth effort to be in their lives unless I kicked him in the ass to do so. As soon as I filed for divorce, he gave up his parental rights so the step-dad could adopt them. Pretty much so he wouldn't have to bother anymore.

 

Maybe his xgf doesn't want a father in the child's life that is so nonchalant or she didn't want to put her child through DNA tests. There's no telling. It could be his, it could not. However - better hope she didn't put his name on the birth certificate or she could easily come after him in the future for back child support, regardless of whose kid it is. The courts don't seem to care about DNA these days. It has more to do, it would seem, with the judge's personal bias.

[Haruka]

Well it just seems strange that he talks about it that way. I calculated the ages as a year ago we were just talking about the longest we have gone without sex and I replied "A year, when we were not together."

 

He replied "Seven years."

 

Which made me calculate that I was the first woman he slept with in seven years when I met him. I met him when I was 21 and he was 31.

So that is the calculation.

 

As for this girl and child, I thought of the possibility that the girl didn't want him to be apart of their lives but it would be hard to explain to a child that I don't want to be apart of your father's life.

So one must wonder why he keeps thinking of the possibility that he has a son. He must have stayed with her long enough to know the sex of the child or perhaps he stayed with her and found out the baby wasn't his but he is in the denial and says he might have a son.

 

Who knows.

[Vet]

Have you never straight up asked him for the story? You owe it to yourself (and he owes it to you) to tell you what's going on. You have a right to know about your partner's past in matters like these. This isn't a trivial thing; it could have a potentially huge impact on you and your relationship with him. There could even be a very good explanation for it: she could've gotten "pregnant" and then "raped" (incidentally, a lot of faked rape charges by white women claim a non-Caucasian perpetrator), and he was just done with her lies and manipulation. This happens a lot. On the other hand, maybe it happened exactly the way you're thinking.

 

The point is, you just don't know, and until you do, you won't be able to have a future with this man. It will always gnaw at you from the inside. Explain this to him, and make him tell you the truth. If he still won't, walk away now, because this will become a problem even if no child shows up.