She is back

[Tx_hrt]

Hello to all. This is a new week. Well she has made it back. I saw her on Friday. In one of my earlier posts someone mentioned that she is on Vacation and working through her issues with H. I asked her if they had worked through things and is everything better? She told me that they did not work through anything. She even said "Everything is back to normal." I asked her what does that mean? She said, he is back to doing all the things he would always do. This means the issues that caused her to step into the A to begin with.

 

This A has been going on for 5 months. Is that long enough to acually consider divorce? She indicated that she is sick and tired of all the S*** that he does.

 

Believe me folks. I have listened to everything everyone has said. The more I read the stronger I get and the more I understand. I would not txt her or call her this weekend unless she txt'd me. I did not respond to her very quickly if at all. It seems to have realed her in. I know she is probably playing me. But it feels like I have a little more control.

[whichwayisup]

She indicated that she is sick and tired of all the S*** that he does.

 

Yet do you notice that she is waiting for him to change? For him to decide to leave or divorce? He probably is totally CLUELESS about how she feels about being unhappy in the marriage. Chances are, things aren't half as bad as she's made it out to be. Not enough for her to come clean and tell HIM that she's unhappy, has met someone else and wants a divorce.

 

Whatever issues that are going on in their marriage doesn't justify her choice to cheat on her husband. If people are THAT miserable and want something to change they need to talk about it. I don't believe she's said a word to him, hense the nothing has changed.

 

You're handling this the right way and I'm glad to hear that you can be abit more objective.. She may not be "playing" you in a malcious way, more like a selfish way. She knows she can have her cake and eat it too. Her actions do not follow her words.

[bentnotbroken]

Hello to all. This is a new week. Well she has made it back. I saw her on Friday. In one of my earlier posts someone mentioned that she is on Vacation and working through her issues with H. I asked her if they had worked through things and is everything better? She told me that they did not work through anything. She even said "Everything is back to normal." I asked her what does that mean? She said, he is back to doing all the things he would always do. This means the issues that caused her to step into the A to begin with.

 

This A has been going on for 5 months. Is that long enough to acually consider divorce? She indicated that she is sick and tired of all the S*** that he does.

 

Believe me folks. I have listened to everything everyone has said. The more I read the stronger I get and the more I understand. I would not txt her or call her this weekend unless she txt'd me. I did not respond to her very quickly if at all. It seems to have realed her in. I know she is probably playing me. But it feels like I have a little more control.

 

 

And the lies you tell to yourself just keep on coming.

[whichwayisup]

She said, he is back to doing all the things he would always do. This means the issues that caused her to step into the A to begin with.

 

Doesn't it cross your mind as to why she hasn't addressed these issues with her husband? She's just as guilty as him, sweeping it under the rug and pretending all is fine and dandy.

 

She's either lying to you, or greatly exaggerating the status of their marriage and their relationship as husband and wife.

 

Continue to back off and let her know that you are sick and tired of being the OM, sick of the pain and want it all to stop. THAT is taking control, call the shots and tell her that when she is divorced you'll consider 'dating' her when the timing is better. Why stay her OM when she intends on doing absolutely nothing to change the situation?

 

Go read stampdaddy's threads.

[hopesndreams]

Of course she is unhappy and miserable with him, what else is she supposed to tell you? "Oh, I am so happy with my H and he does everything for me but I want you too. You swoon over me, it makes me feel so good and special and I want you to fall in love with me but I will stay with my H because, well, gee, I can't give him up and he worships the ground I walk on." Cheaters lie big time but then, your a cheater too, so you know all that right?

[utterer of lies]

This A has been going on for 5 months. Is that long enough to acually consider divorce? She indicated that she is sick and tired of all the S*** that he does.

 

You are dangerously naive.

 

You have two options:

 

- take what you can get and enjoy (affair sex)

 

- remove her from your life (and find someone who wants to commit to you).

 

 

Everything else is, while not completely impossible, very very unlikely. Especially considering her actions and reactions. Of course, you will think your case is the exception. Well. It's not.

 

But it feels like I have a little more control.

 

You are a tool.

[Tx_hrt]

She did tell him concerning the issues that she has. She did tell him that she was very unhappy. He made some adjustments I told her he is only adjusting because he feels there is something wrong. It is kind of like "Lay-off rumors" When there is lay-off rumors at the workplace people start working alittle harder to impress those who are making the decisions. Once the lay-offs are over they go back to the same old self they were before. I told her he will do the same thing once he feels everything is OK. Well that is exactly what he has done.

 

She told me this morning that we have alot to talk about. Not sure what that "alot" is but, I will find out.

[Confused4Now]

Go read stampdaddy's threads.

 

Amen to this....READ and READ well. My situation was very similar to SD and I think it's about her being selfish. It's a lot easier to keep you on the side to than to take action.

 

Listen to people on this board... you will save yourself the pain and grief.

[norajane]

She said, he is back to doing all the things he would always do.

 

"Back" to doing all the things he would normally do? When was he doing more than he normally does, or when was he doing things differently?

[utterer of lies]

Listen to people on this board... you will save yourself the pain and grief.

 

As if anyone ever does that 'Learning without pain and suffering'-thing.

[hopesndreams]

As if anyone ever does that 'Learning without pain and suffering'-thing.

 

Seems that way at times but maybe little bits and pieces of the advice will sink in. Especially so if it is repeated time after time. But with Tx, I'm not quite sure he is reading any of the advice. Tx, you really are off into your own little world eh?

[Tx_hrt]

She told me that about a year before I ever came into the picture she thought about divorcing H. She wasn't happy and he was doing the same things he is back to doing now. She decided to stick with it and try.

 

I have read many of SD's threads. It is many of those that have helped me through last week.

 

I am wondering if all this may push her toward realization of what she really wants? I asked the question...is 5 months enough to make someone divorce?

[norajane]

She told me that about a year before I ever came into the picture she thought about divorcing H.

 

I asked the question...is 5 months enough to make someone divorce?

 

Obviously not enough for her since she hasn't filed yet. And since she was unhappy a year before she met you, even a year and 5 months is not enough.

 

How long are you prepared to wait? A year? Two? Three? Do you even have a cut-off point in your head beyond which you will refuse to waste any more time waiting for her and her husband to decide how your life will turn out?

[fooled once]

The only thing YOU have control over is your actions.

 

What did you think she was going to tell you? That they made love each day, they bonded, they walked while the sun was setting?

 

She has to keep you interested; which is why she said things were normal

 

Is 5 months long enough to decide, during an affair, that a person wants a divorce?

 

*shrug*

 

Each person is different.

 

But seems to me she isn't too tired of his sh*t because she is making NO MOVES, except going on vacation with her husband, to get out of the marriage.

[utterer of lies]

I have read many of SD's threads. It is many of those that have helped me through last week.

 

Then you must have misunderstood something while reading them.

 

I am wondering if all this may push her toward realization of what she really wants? I asked the question...is 5 months enough to make someone divorce?

 

She knows what she really wants. She's living it.

 

Lose your absurd notion of her getting a divorce.

[GreenEyedLady]

Is 5 months long enough?

 

If someone wants out of a M, they'll get out of a M.

 

If she really has been contemplating D, this might be an exit A.

 

You have to be careful and not believe everything you hear. It is probably partially true, but twisted to keep from hurting you.

 

I don't find it hard to believe that she is not having sex with her H. I've read on other infidelity sites and it really pisses the BS off when their WS won't have sex with them, but has been "faithful" to their AP.

 

Decide what you want. And remember that she has a great incentive to keep you around. She'll stretch the truth (or even straight out lie) to do just enough to keep you from leaving but not actually following through on what she says.

 

What's her reason for looking outside the M? Well, the one she gave you.

 

GEL

[stampdaddy]

She told me that about a year before I ever came into the picture she thought about divorcing H. She wasn't happy and he was doing the same things he is back to doing now. She decided to stick with it and try.

 

I have read many of SD's threads. It is many of those that have helped me through last week.

 

I am wondering if all this may push her toward realization of what she really wants? I asked the question...is 5 months enough to make someone divorce?

 

It took me a long time, a VERY long time to realize that the situation that you are in is "cookie cutter". She is not going anywhere, and neither are you.

 

I spoke to my exMW just this morning. She is in the middle, well tail end of a nasty divorce. A divorce her H started, a divorce that she doesnt want. Imagine that. Is that what you want? Is getting busted by her H what you want? What DO YOU REALLY want at the end of this? I told my exMW that it never had to be "this way", but it sure as sh*t IS this way. And it really, really, really SUCKS!

 

There is no way on this earth I could be with her now. NO WAY! Sure, she still wants me, but she aint getting me. How could I let her lay her darling little head on my chest at night, knowing that she would still be there, at home, with him, if HE didnt start this divorce? How will you be able to do the same?

 

Is 5 months enough? Dont even play that game, man. I did it, so I am telling you not to! Is a year enough? Is 2 years? IS 5 FLIPPIN' YEARS ENOUGH??

 

Anyway, I know the hope you are holding on to, and the ONLY, the ONLY, the ONLY, the ONLY, the ONLY (get it?), the ONLY WAY is to walk away, and walk away now. If she comes and finds you one day, single, available, IMAGINE how that will feel..... A whole lot better than what I am feeling...

[Tx_hrt]

Thanks for all the advice!! It is so damn hard because of my feelings for this woman. SD it is your responses that mean the most. You have been where I am and it seems like I can actually feel your pain.

 

My life is getting ready to be very busy with travel. I am hoping that it will help move my mind away or even bring her closer.

[whichwayisup]

She did tell him concerning the issues that she has. She did tell him that she was very unhappy. He made some adjustments I told her he is only adjusting because he feels there is something wrong. It is kind of like "Lay-off rumors" When there is lay-off rumors at the workplace people start working alittle harder to impress those who are making the decisions. Once the lay-offs are over they go back to the same old self they were before. I told her he will do the same thing once he feels everything is OK. Well that is exactly what he has done.

 

She told me this morning that we have alot to talk about. Not sure what that "alot" is but, I will find out.

 

You don't know him, so please don't assume you know what he is doing or thinking. HE feels something is wrong - Gee, I wonder what that could be.. Her cheating on him? It seems your MW has made herself into an angel and her husband is the devil. He does everything wrong and he is the source of her unhappiness. She obviously isn't perfect and her cheating is creating MORE problems in their marriage. She's detached from him, and I bet he notices that too.

 

Did you ask her if they had intimacy of any kind during their vacation?

 

Put yourself in his shoes..

 

Anyway, do they have children?

 

She told me that about a year before I ever came into the picture she thought about divorcing H. She wasn't happy and he was doing the same things he is back to doing now. She decided to stick with it and try.

 

I have read many of SD's threads. It is many of those that have helped me through last week.

 

I am wondering if all this may push her toward realization of what she really wants? I asked the question...is 5 months enough to make someone divorce?

 

No it isn't unless the marriage is dead and both are ready to give up and walk away.

 

She probably doesn't want to be the bad guy by divorcing him, so she's doing whatever to piss him off and make him the bad guy so he will divorce her.

[stampdaddy]

Thanks for all the advice!! It is so damn hard because of my feelings for this woman. SD it is your responses that mean the most. You have been where I am and it seems like I can actually feel your pain.

 

My life is getting ready to be very busy with travel. I am hoping that it will help move my mind away or even bring her closer.

 

TX (what part, I am a Texan) let me tell you this. I will NEVER, EVER look back and resent what I did, how I felt, how I loved, how I believed, how I trusted.... I will NEVER wish I had those 5 years back, what is the point? I know it is so damn hard because of your feelings for her, that is very honest. But, you HAVE to walk away, because it is the ONLY way you have a shot, and even then, it is VERY UNLIKELY that she is going to follow you. This is what you have to tell yourself. If you take noble, loving action and walk away so you can take care of yourself, YOUR HEART, and yes, even being noble regarding their marriage and NOT having your girl get busted and it all turns uglier than ugly, and I know this is not what you want.

[whichwayisup]

Listen to Stamps on this.

[Tx_hrt]

Central Texas!! Well, just got back from lunch with MW. I mentioned she said we have a lot of talking to do. She said that vacation was hell while H was around. Her and the kid had a great time. He was never there to help when she needed him. He complained the whole time. I did ask if they had sex. She said no. I am not too sure of anything she tells me. So, I will take it all with a grain of salt.

 

She missed me and she thought of the many things that we have talked about in the past and how it seems that I was correct. (about his behavior)

 

She said that I seem different. I asked, "What do you mean?" She said different, reserved, cocky.

[norajane]

Central Texas!! Well, just got back from lunch with MW. I mentioned she said we have a lot of talking to do. She said that vacation was hell while H was around. Her and the kid had a great time. He was never there to help when she needed him. He complained the whole time. I did ask if they had sex. She said no. I am not too sure of anything she tells me. So, I will take it all with a grain of salt.

 

She missed me and she thought of the many things that we have talked about in the past and how it seems that I was correct. (about his behavior)

 

She said that I seem different. I asked, "What do you mean?" She said different, reserved, cocky.

 

So what was all this talking she wanted to do? Complain about her vacation? That's it? She just needed you to listen to her whine so she'd feel better about her marriage?

[Tx_hrt]

Stamps,

 

Sometimes with all the hurt, tension, stress and everything other rotten feeling that I have been feeling. I don't really care if she gets caught. Maybe she will feel some of the pain that I feel. Maybe if her world is shaken she will realize what she has done.

 

I know everyone will say...you made your choice knowing she is a MW. You caused yourself this pain. In ways I believe that...but I also know that if those Maybes, Somedays, One days and We Wills would have never occured my feelings may not be as strong as they are. All those empty promises causing me to believe and hope. She knew what she was doing.

 

With all that said...Because of my love for her, I would never want her to hurt or see anything bad happen to her.

[hopesndreams]

So, how does your W figure in all this? It isn't just about you and your wants, what the OW wants, there is another person in all this yes? Maybe W can hurry things along a bit, kick your butt out, you would free up yourself for your OW so then she can turn around and say "That's not what I wanted. Let's just end this A now, I need to repair my marriage."