She is back

[lkjh]

Do you enjoy lying to yourself? Ya dude, she will leave her H for you and not worry what her family and kids think.

[hopesndreams]

Seems to me you are only looking for the advice that will win her from her H and you are twisting things people say in order to accomplish just that. You are not the BS looking for ways to get the WS back, you are just a piece on the side, nothing more, nothing less.

[Gamine]

What you see is what you get.

 

What you know for certain is that this woman is capable of marrying, having a child, not having sex with her husband because he doesn't behave properly, talking bad about him behind his back, not wanting to divorce him and still cheating behind his back.

 

Yet she goes on vacation with him. Don't forget, she could have gone on vacation with the child herself without him if things were so intolerable.

 

What will you get if all of your efforts wind up with you getting her? You'll get a woman who will have a child with you, marry you, not have sex with you and have it with someone else when you don't behave properly, talk badly about you behind your back, not want to divorce you but cheat on you.

 

What you see is what you get.

[jennie-jennie]

Tx, most of the people posting on this site are betrayed spouses. If you need support while you are still in the relationship with your MW, it is better to look elsewhere, to look for sites where only other women and men can participate.

 

Just about the only advice you will get here is to end the relationship. If that is not what you want, then you need to go and look elsewhere for support.

[Owl]

Support doesn't mean that the posters providing it have to agree with TX's actions or position.

 

Support means providing the best possible advice to the person that you can.

 

In this case, it's pretty clear that Tx is involved with a woman who is cake-eating. He's deliberately ONLY seeking responses from people who will tell him that this will all turn out ok...that he's garaunteed to "win her" in the end.

 

That's not what everyone sees as a likely outcome here. It's not limited to just BS's either, as he's seen similar advice from people from all sides of this.

 

People are trying to get him to "open his eyes" to help minimize the damage he's going to suffer as a result of his choice to have an affair with this woman. That IS support.

 

I'd agree with some of what was said here. Stop for a minute, and completely disregard what this woman has SAID to you, TX. Simply look ONLY at her actions. Do her ACTIONS tell you that she wants to build a life with you, or do they tell you that she's going to stay married to her husband and family? There's your indication of where her heart lies.

[jennie-jennie]

There is never any guarantee that a MW will leave her husband for the OM. In fact the opposite is the probable outcome. The question is however if the OM/OW despite the odds is willing to stay in the relationship. Are the pros greater than the cons? You need to ask yourself if you would be willing to stay in the relationship even if you knew that this is all you are going to get. Are you willing to stay in the relationship and bet on your low odds of success?

 

The thing is, Owl, just like Tx implicated, that the rude comments and harsh remarks on this site make OW and OM close up and not post here. The emotions in an EMR are so strong, so what happens on this site is not likely to get OW/OM to end their relationship, it will only make them stop posting.

[lkjh]

Tx, most of the people posting on this site are betrayed spouses. If you need support while you are still in the relationship with your MW, it is better to look elsewhere, to look for sites where only other women and men can participate.

 

Just about the only advice you will get here is to end the relationship. If that is not what you want, then you need to go and look elsewhere for support.

 

 

That would be the worst place to get advice. It would be a forum fool of a bunch of crybabies that sit around for years waiting for their married person to throw them some scraps from their table. What advice would he get, completely disrespect yourself and continue emotionally destroying yourself

[Owl]

I'm not a fan of rude comments either.

 

But let's be sure to distinguish between "rude" comments and "dissenting" ones.

 

And even the "rude" comments have some gems of wisdom in them a lot of times. I'd agree that I would love to see things phrased so that it didn't appear as "rude"...but they're still worth sorting through most times.

 

Just because a BS (or anyone else) tells him that he needs to be aware of the fact that she's very likely lying to him about her marital situation in order to maintain the affair...that's not rude...that's just not what he wants to hear. But it's still very much "support".

 

And still very much something he needs to start taking into account.

[hopesndreams]

That would be the worst place to get advice. It would be a forum fool of a bunch of crybabies that sit around for years waiting for their married person to throw them some scraps from their table. What advice would he get, completely disrespect yourself and continue emotionally destroying yourself

 

Here here.

 

You will find invaluable advice from the BS here and the OM/OW. Both sides! From those that have lived through it. Invaluable.

[seibert253]

Actions speak louder than words.

Her actions, do not back up her words. She's a cheater. Cheaters lie. They lie to their spouses, they lie to themselves to justify their actions, and they lie to the one they are cheating with. THEY JUST LIE.

 

Dude, you are exercise and someone who will listen to her complants. You will never be anything other than this.

Let me ask you this, do you REALLY think she loves you?

If she did, she would have already left her husband. If her marriage was truly as bad as she complains, she would already have moved out.

 

Get ready, 'cause here comes the 2X4. STOP FOOLING YOURSELF AND WAKE THE F#CK UP. Do you really want a committed relationship with a woman who violates the ultimate commitment made before God and man?

YOU DESERVE BETTER. So does her husband.

[soda]

She may be using me. That is why I am here posting on this forum. I am gaining support and strength.

 

Draccula - You can stop posting also!! When I see your pic I already know what is will say. I don't even read it.

 

 

You may not like Chrome's approach, but I don't think that you should dismiss what he's saying.

 

I was never an OM, but my Ex had one. She fed him the same kind of lines about how she was thinking about leaving me...blah...blah...blah.

 

When I finally threw my Ex out, she literally begged and cried for another chance.

 

Did she scurry off to the OM? Nope. He became a helluva lot less attractive when her behavior was exposed to her family, friends and colleagues. Her OM got thrown out of his house and he lost his job--nice deal for him. He ended up having to start over.

 

You are her fantasy because neither of you have to live in reality when you're together. She'll do whatever it takes to feed her affairyland fog, which includes lying to you to keep you on a string.

 

When I read your posts, I truly felt sorry for you...well a little. I think that you're buying into the same song and dance that people buy into during affairs.

 

The people here are giving you sound advice. You should listen to it. Your MW is playing you because you are HER fantasy. She'll throw you under the bus when you no longer fit that role.

[Awakening]

Speaking from my own experience, you need to end it and be firm about NC until she takes responsibility for herself and leaves.

 

You sticking around only enables her to stay in the marriage. See, she has no reason to leave as long as she has you on the hook to fill the void. Give her back the void and let her deal with it herself. If she realizes that her marriage is that unbearable, she will leave on her own.

 

I mistakenly thought that staying in contact and whining about him leaving would somehow tilt the scales in my favor. I thought that by doing that, I had some control over what the outcome would be. I only managed to get further engulfed in the fog and racked up some serious denial along the way.

 

In the end I came to my senses long enough to reach for some tools I happened to have on hand from a certain 12-step program and let it go and turned my focus on MY LIFE and walked away. It wasn't easy believe me, but I had to save myself. Sounds dramatic but that is how bad it can get.

 

Turned out their relationship did end after a period of time. They divorced and we have a chance to begin with a clean slate - if I choose to do so (but that's another thread).

[ednadean]

She told me that about a year before I ever came into the picture she thought about divorcing H. She wasn't happy and he was doing the same things he is back to doing now. She decided to stick with it and try.

 

I have read many of SD's threads. It is many of those that have helped me through last week.

 

I am wondering if all this may push her toward realization of what she really wants? I asked the question...is 5 months enough to make someone divorce?

 

 

hmmm. the only way she'll divorce is if you leaver her now..and she divorces on her own terms. If you keep hanging around she'll know she can have the best of both worlds.

 

I've been in an EA for almost a year, and I've heard it ALL before "I wanted to divorce wife before"; "she disrespects me" "it's really bad being married"; "I've never felt like this before" -- but generally its grossly exaggerated...and if they haven't divorced yet -- unlikely she will without some serious gutsy action from you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She may be using me. That is why I am here posting on this forum. I am gaining support and strength.

 

Draccula - You can stop posting also!! When I see your pic I already know what is will say. I don't even read it.

 

Hmm so you know this woman is using you and yet you continue to harbor emotional love for this woman. A woman who is single handedly betraying her husband and also lying to you...

 

Dude step away from the table and stop giving the cake away. There are so many good looking single ladies out here. why are you wasting your time with a trifling chick?

 

If you know what I'm going to say why havent you implemented any of the ideas we are saying to you?

 

At the end of the day you have to look yourself in the mirror and face what your doing, not me or anyone else. You know it doesnt sit well with you , because you know what your doing is wrong. but it's your life.

[Tx_hrt]

Please, Please, Please...I am listening to everyone!! I hear what everyone is saying. It is those words that are making me stronger to the point where I can and will step away.

 

It sounds like people think... do it now, do it this very second. It is not that easy. This woman still has my heart and I am trying with all of your help to get it back. Believe me it is working. I am 20xs stronger than I was while she was on Vacation.

[stampdaddy]

Please, Please, Please...I am listening to everyone!! I hear what everyone is saying. It is those words that are making me stronger to the point where I can and will step away.

 

It sounds like people think... do it now, do it this very second. It is not that easy. This woman still has my heart and I am trying with all of your help to get it back. Believe me it is working. I am 20xs stronger than I was while she was on Vacation.

 

I will stand up for this, and also say that my experience taught me this: This is the WORST type of relationship, the WORST type of hurt that one can go through. It is because you are being told that you are loved. You are being shown that you are loved. You are being asked to be patient. You are being asked to trust. You are being told they are coming. BUT YOU ARE BEING USED and LIED TO at times as well....

 

and it pretty much stinks when you leave the affair ALONE, while you wrongly (in most cases) envision the MW/MM going back to a wonderful, happy marriage....

 

It just takes time and I believe TX will get there, but it wont be anytime soon. Should be right now, but it wont be.

[norajane]

Please, Please, Please...I am listening to everyone!! I hear what everyone is saying. It is those words that are making me stronger to the point where I can and will step away.

 

It sounds like people think... do it now, do it this very second. It is not that easy. This woman still has my heart and I am trying with all of your help to get it back. Believe me it is working. I am 20xs stronger than I was while she was on Vacation.

 

Are you looking at her at all differently? Are you seeing that maybe, just maybe, rainbows and sunshine don't come out of her ass and she is actually a flawed human being who is inflicting her problems on you? That she's latched onto you as her crutch, but has not done a single thing to do the right thing for anyone? Are you seeing that you are there to serve her wants, but she is not there for you in any way except as covered by lies and deception?

 

Are you seeing that maybe, just maybe, this isn't the kind of woman you should be pinning all your happiness on? And that the more time you waste with her, the more investment you make and the harder it is to think for yourself and what is best for you?

[Tx_hrt]

Thanks SD!!

 

She told me the other day: "You are different." I asked Why do you say that? She said the way you are talking to me.

 

Well, let me give you all a little insight of my "NOT LISTENING". Through all of your comments I am seeing things a little clearer. Yes, I have withdrew from her a bit. I believe she is seeing that. Her "I love yous" aren't as endearing. Whenever she gives me a comment where her actions do not back up her words, I call her on it. I am not being ugly to her I am just letting her know that I know she is lying. She is giving me the looks where she is trying to figure out what I am doing. I am getting stronger, that is what I am doing.

 

I got sad last night. What did I do? I logged on to LS and READ, READ, READ. It isn't the posts like I mentioned earlier that are rewarding. It is the posts of people who give their experiences. I read and compare and my eyes open a little wider and I read how they worked through it. Those are the ones that make me stronger.

 

Saying I'm not listening or doing anything or being niave is totally inacurate. All you BS's I could tell you...people step into a EMR because they are not getting something at home. So, if you were taking care of your business the OW/OM would never be there.

[Owl]

Saying I'm not listening or doing anything or being niave is totally inacurate. All you BS's I could tell you...people step into a EMR because they are not getting something at home. So, if you were taking care of your business the OW/OM would never be there.

 

Here's what you're not tracking...what if it's NOT the BS's "fault"?

 

What if what lacking at home isn't anything to do with the BS...but the one who wanders in the first place?

 

I can tell you that the issue at home in my own situation had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with my wife's issues and expectations...and nothing to do with anything she wasn't getting from me.

 

Consider that carefully before you disregard what I'm saying.

 

It's entirely possible that SHE is the source of the "problems" in her own marriage...that her lying and cheating are symptoms of something wrong in HER, rather than completely her H's fault.

 

I told my wife that she could leave me to live with OM if she chose to do so...but what she'd find is that her 'problems' wouldn't go away if she did so...she'd be taking them with her. If she didn't address those problems...they'd creep up in ANY relationship she had...it wasn't limited to OURS.

 

The wonderful thing is...it worked. She stayed, she addressed those issues...and five years later we're in a GREAT marriage still.

[norajane]

All you BS's I could tell you...people step into a EMR because they are not getting something at home. So, if you were taking care of your business the OW/OM would never be there.

 

Please don't make the mistake of assuming that all contrary opinions and posts are coming from BS's. While we may not wear the labels on our sleeves, some of us are current or former OW, OM, and cheaters as well.

 

And you should also do some reading on why people cheat. You will see there are many reasons for it, most of them stemming from something within the cheater themselves being "broken", and not a direct result of the BS not "taking care of business" at home. That is insulting to the people who are in troubled marriages and did not choose to cheat to escape from dealing with those problems. People who cheat tend to have poor conflict resolution skills and a sense of selfish entitlement - that is why they choose to cheat instead of dealing with their marital problems directly.

[Tx_hrt]

I do totally understand. You may be very right!!

[Tx_hrt]

The last 2 posts are only looking at the last 2 lines. What I really want all of you to see is the first part of that post.

[norajane]

The last 2 posts are only looking at the last 2 lines. What I really want all of you to see is the first part of that post.

 

It's the last two lines that belie the first part of your post. If you were truly starting to see her differently, you wouldn't be so convinced that BS's are to blame for affairs.

[stampdaddy]

Thanks SD!!

 

She told me the other day: "You are different." I asked Why do you say that? She said the way you are talking to me.

 

Well, let me give you all a little insight of my "NOT LISTENING". Through all of your comments I am seeing things a little clearer. Yes, I have withdrew from her a bit. I believe she is seeing that. Her "I love yous" aren't as endearing. Whenever she gives me a comment where her actions do not back up her words, I call her on it. I am not being ugly to her I am just letting her know that I know she is lying. She is giving me the looks where she is trying to figure out what I am doing. I am getting stronger, that is what I am doing.

I am going to give you this advice that I have recently learned, and boy oh boy, was it powerful stuff for ME.

 

At the end, when it was very evident that my MW wanted to keep the relationship with me alive but still not wanting to leave the marriage (even after discovery), when she would call, I would say, "hey girl, wassup? glad you called, listen, Dave Matthews is in town, let's go to the concert?" Her reply, "um, I can't". CLICK

 

Next time, "hey sweetie, are you busy?" "not really" "good, I will swing by and pick you up and take you out to dinner" SILENCE "oh that's right, I cant because your husband wouldnt like that very much, now would he?" CLICK

 

anyway, it gave ME the power and made ME realize that this was NOTHING MORE THAN AN AFFAIR, and I didnt want that anymore. Before, like you are now, I waited at her beck and call. F*CK THAT

 

Sounds like you "could" be on that path, and if you arent, get on it... It will help you quicker than you could believe. Sure, it may sound a little harsh, but hell man, it is what it is, an affair and she is married

[stampdaddy]

Hey Tex, where you be?