wild89 Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We are only 20 years old but we still love eachother. We are wanting to go to school but money is a very tough thing to work with. He stresses out over it all day every day. If something tips him off he freaks out and takes it out on me. He constantly says that I dont understand because I dont constantly worry over it. I dont know how to "chill" him out or even just be able to work with the stress. When he gets angry he usually goes to the only 2 things he knows which is to yell and tell me he wants a divorce. I feel like I would have given up if we were to get a divorce. I dont know if anyone else has had any problems like this but I would love some help? Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 The three biggest problems in relationships all start with the letter B: Bedroom Babies Bucks Clearly, it's apparent that most of the stress in your relationship relates to the latter of the three. Fortunately, there are things you can do and people you can see who can help. For guys, just talking about a problem isn't enough. Most of us need to do something to actually fix the problem. Just trying to get him to 'chill' isn't going to work. You might suggest that both of you meet with a financial planner or counsellor to help you through the maze. If you have a good relationship with your bank, that would be the first step. They do this sort of thing every single day, and situations like yours are - sadly - very common. So start by going to the root of the problem and creating a plan to fix it. That will not only get you on a better path to financial security (if there is such a thing nowadays) but it will also show him that you understand where he's coming from and that you're there to support the marriage by getting this fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
Teslacoil Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I agree with Thaddeus. If you are asking your husband to "chill" when he gets stressed out about money, you may be inadvertently communicating to him that you don't care about the stress he's under. The fact that you don't care then makes him angry, hence the yelling. He also appears to think you don't care because you're not "constantly worrying". To him, if it really mattered to you, you'd be worrying as much as he is. He doesn't seem to grasp that you deal with stress in your own way, and it doesn't mean that you don't understand the situation or sympathize. Try adjusting your message. Don't tell him to chill out, just offer to help, make suggestions, and try to be part of the solution. Your husband seems to need to work on his listening and communication skills. Hopefully he'll improve with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Vet Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We are only 20 years old but we still love eachother. We are wanting to go to school but money is a very tough thing to work with. He stresses out over it all day every day. If something tips him off he freaks out and takes it out on me. He constantly says that I dont understand because I dont constantly worry over it. I dont know how to "chill" him out or even just be able to work with the stress. When he gets angry he usually goes to the only 2 things he knows which is to yell and tell me he wants a divorce. I feel like I would have given up if we were to get a divorce. I dont know if anyone else has had any problems like this but I would love some help? You guys are so young. I can't imagine dealing with being an undergraduate student, coping with all that entails--the time, the lack of money, scraping out an existence around your school schedules--and also having to deal with a marriage on top of that. Are you both working and contributing money to the situation? As much as you would both want to go to school, having you both try to do it at the same time is a recipe for disaster. I know you don't want to hear this, but twenty years old is too young to be married. You don't have enough life experience and usually don't really know who you are yet to deal with the issues that marriage raises. If you don't have kids together, you might think about a divorce because it sounds like he wants one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wild89 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 Yeah we are good/great in the bedroom. And we wont be having kids for a long time, due to being unable by choice. I know its the money thing for sure. I just sometimes feel as if it will never end. We moved in with my parents so we could get out of debt. Which we have done alot with. we have paid off most of what we planned. When something new pops up he doesnt know how to handle it. He automatically tells me it is all my fault and I did something wrong. He just doesnt know how to keep his anger and quick raging temper under controll. Is there any way that I can help him with not acutally letting him know that I am helping him for his anger? Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Is there any way that I can help him with not acutally letting him know that I am helping him for his anger?The anger is a symptom, not the disease. Fix the problem and the anger from that will go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wild89 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 We are young, but also, we both had to grow up fast. I am not saying that your comments don’t help because the sure do. I don’t tell him to chill. I don’t say anything at all. Then he gets angrier at me because he thinks it "goes in one ear and out the other". Which are his words. I want him to know that I do want to help. We both have jobs that we work very hard at. I don’t like my job but I stay because I know that it will help us and that we need the money. I want to know a way that I can show him that I am trying to help us in our situation but also that I care about his feelings and stresses. I guess I am just at a loss for how to work with him when we are both stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 We are young, but also, we both had to grow up fast. I am not saying that your comments don’t help because the sure do. I don’t tell him to chill. I don’t say anything at all. Then he gets angrier at me because he thinks it "goes in one ear and out the other". Which are his words. I want him to know that I do want to help. We both have jobs that we work very hard at. I don’t like my job but I stay because I know that it will help us and that we need the money. I want to know a way that I can show him that I am trying to help us in our situation but also that I care about his feelings and stresses. I guess I am just at a loss for how to work with him when we are both stubborn.Stubbornness has nothing to do with it. He needs to know that you think it's important too, but he cannot read your mind. Communicate. Talk to him. Make a plan and work through it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Vet Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 We are young, but also, we both had to grow up fast. I am not saying that your comments don’t help because the sure do. I don’t tell him to chill. I don’t say anything at all. Then he gets angrier at me because he thinks it "goes in one ear and out the other". Which are his words. I want him to know that I do want to help. We both have jobs that we work very hard at. I don’t like my job but I stay because I know that it will help us and that we need the money. I want to know a way that I can show him that I am trying to help us in our situation but also that I care about his feelings and stresses. I guess I am just at a loss for how to work with him when we are both stubborn. Have you asked him what he wants you to do to help? Has he given you any hints to what he wants you to fix financially or otherwise? What happens that sets him off? It might be that he's unhappy in this marriage, and is using the finances as a focal point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wild89 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 Have you asked him what he wants you to do to help? Has he given you any hints to what he wants you to fix financially or otherwise? What happens that sets him off? It might be that he's unhappy in this marriage, and is using the finances as a focal point. He tells me that he loves me more than anything. So how would I go about asking him how he honestly feels about this marriage? Because I know him well enough that he would lie to keep from hurting my feelings? I want him to be honest with me. I am honest with him. I am just so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Vet Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Tell him exactly what you're telling us. It doesn't sound like you really know (or aren't posting) what makes him angry. What specifically makes him fly off the handle so much? I know you've said finances, but what? Getting your hair done? Not bringing in enough money? Bills not getting paid? What? Link to post Share on other sites
Teslacoil Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Kudos for getting out of debt. Are you still living with your parents? Ugh. I know that would stress me out beyond belief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wild89 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 Kudos for getting out of debt. Are you still living with your parents? Ugh. I know that would stress me out beyond belief. Its not even really debt thats the thing, My husband broke his hand in 2008 and he got a HUGE hospital bill. With that he couldnt work so he got behind. So now all these bills keep coming from out of nowhere. Like collectors are like, hey lets bill them now! But I dont spend money on anything like hair or clothes or nails or anything like that. As soon as we get a paycheck, we dump it on bills. He is wanting to do wthe same to pay off our cars instead of going to school. I would rather pay school then our cars. I talked to him about it and we are starting to get on the same page. We do want the same things. Its hard to live at my parents. We HATE HATE HATE it. But we want to pay all of this so we can be "free". Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I'm sure you've already heard this......But marrying this young, in this day & age isn't exactly the smartest thing to do. BUT - I was once in your shoes. Married at 18. Living paycheck to paycheck. I remember a time when we had 41 cents in our bank account & payday was 4 days away. (1980) Anyway....This happens to every young couple. EVERYONE!! The stresses of being married this young are hard enough by themselves. You have added the pressures of wanting to go to school & living with parents. (My son married this young & lived with his mother in law to save money......they aren't married now - WAY too much stress) Anyway, you need to sit him down & prioritize. What's the most important thing? School? Getting all the bills paid? Having a place to call your own? and from there - decide what the next step is. Get an apartment - put school on hold whatever it is for you..... He sounds as if he's on the brink of a breakdown. I hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wild89 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 I'm sure you've already heard this......But marrying this young, in this day & age isn't exactly the smartest thing to do. BUT - I was once in your shoes. Married at 18. Living paycheck to paycheck. I remember a time when we had 41 cents in our bank account & payday was 4 days away. (1980) Anyway....This happens to every young couple. EVERYONE!! The stresses of being married this young are hard enough by themselves. You have added the pressures of wanting to go to school & living with parents. (My son married this young & lived with his mother in law to save money......they aren't married now - WAY too much stress) Anyway, you need to sit him down & prioritize. What's the most important thing? School? Getting all the bills paid? Having a place to call your own? and from there - decide what the next step is. Get an apartment - put school on hold whatever it is for you..... He sounds as if he's on the brink of a breakdown. I hope it all works out for you. Thank you, I appreciate the help as well as the support. I know that we are young. The way we saw it, was if we knew we were meant to be then why wait? But it has a lot of stress behind it. We have talked about what we are going to do. We decided to wait till next semester to go to school and to pay off the cars so we can move. We have a hard time with communicating at times. Today was hard and I needed some advice so it has helped me a lot for this struggle as well as future struggles. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Don't let these "early marriage issues" set the pace for the rest of your life. These will pass. TRULY!! They do. Things do get better. I understand the "We're meant for each other so why wait" mentality. But you both have heaped a lot on yourselves. Sounds like you have a plan...Taking it one step at a time is the best course. In difficult times it's hard to remember to stay sweet to each other ~ You can only do the best you can. Keep us posted & Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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