Fiance's issues with my weight

[stace79]

Okay, apologies if this is in the wrong category, but I am fearful of the types of response I will get in the Dating forums on this.

 

I have always had weight issues. At my worst I was 5'7'' and 250 lbs but that was almost 7 years ago. I lost weight and have consistently stayed in the 185-195 lb range, and I carry my weight well so most people are surprised to know I weigh that much. My lowest weight since high school was about 165 lbs. However I got there b/c of a bad breakup when I practically starved myself (less than 900 calories every day) and I was running every day of the week. (Note: I also put myself in the hospital doing that.)

 

I am engaged to a guy I dated for three+ years. He never saw me at my heaviest obviously. I have not been back over the 200 lb mark since 7 years ago. But he knows I struggle with weight -- my family loves to eat, and I am very busy working and with volunteer activities so the gym is not my main priority.

 

He on the other hand has mostly been skinny - smaller frame and he had a health issue where he lost a lot of weight. He is about 6' tall and weighed as little as 148 lbs at one point. He is now around 160 lbs.

 

He repeatedly says he thinks I'm beautiful, but that he has a mental issue where he would like to "be bigger" than his wife. So he has long wanted us to work toward a mutual goal - him to weigh more than 170 and me to weigh less.

 

I am very offended that he wants me to change, regardless of his reasoning. Can anyone offer some insight or advice? Thanks.

[laRubiaBonita]

so he has issues with himself and he now projecting his personal feelings onto you?

 

not cool.

[Thaddeus]

In my 50 years on this planet, I have never, ever once seen a situation whereby a man suggests - however gently and supportively - for his lady to lose some weight that did not end badly.

 

Never.

 

Not once.

 

Now, he's to be commended for being upfront and clear about his desires. The fact that you're offended by it is, IMHO, the entirely wrong way to look at it (though frankly it's not surprising).

 

People have preferences. Undoubtedly there's going to be some responses saying that he's shallow and all the rest, but the fact is that having preferences doesn't make one shallow. It's no different than a woman wanting a man with, say, a full head of hair or to be a certain height, with one exception: Amount of hair and height is not a choice. Weight is.

 

So I guess you have a choice. You can continue to remain offended by the fact that he told you his preferences or you can be thankful that he felt comfortable enough with you to tell you what he likes.

 

Frankly, I see nothing at all wrong with working towards that mutual goal. It's better and healthier for both of you. And what can be wrong with that?

[laRubiaBonita]

People have preferences. Undoubtedly there's going to be some responses saying that he's shallow and all the rest, but the fact is that having preferences doesn't make one shallow. It's no different than a woman wanting a man with, say, a full head of hair or to be a certain height, with one exception: Amount of hair and height is not a choice. Weight is.

 

noooo- HIS preference is to marry a smaller woman so he can be the big guy protector, at least that is what he says. if she were 6'1" would he not allow her to wear heels because she would be taller than him?

 

the OP already dealt with weight issues and had to hospitalized..... how is that healthy?

[Trialbyfire]

stace, this makes no sense. If you've always been a particular size and he believes you're beautiful, why would he want you to change? Perhaps you need to ask him why he wouldn't have selected an SO who didn't need to amend her physical traits, to accommodate for his preferences.

 

Now if you've suddenly put on 50 lbs, I would be concerned about the health risks associated to sudden, substantial weight gain.

[stace79]

The problem is that he's been with me for three years and almost six months. He never had serious enough issues with my weight before to say these things.

 

I don't take issue that he wants someone who weighs less than him. My issue is that what if I don't ever weigh less? Is he just going to stay in this relationship and be unhappy about it? Is he going to be watching me like a hawk the rest of my life, seeing what I'm eating and whining about it or getting irritated if I choose spending time volunteering as opposed to going to the gym one Saturday?

 

If he doesn't like my weight right this second, then I guess I wonder why he asked me to marry him. What if I never ever lost any more weight? What if I remained at 195 for the rest of our lives? I can't guarantee to him that I'm going to weigh 170 or less the rest of my life. What if he got sick again and only weighed 160? Do I then have to compensate for that too?

 

It's like -- if you don't like who I am or what I look like, then just break up with me. We aren't married yet. But don't insist on sticking it out, hoping that I will be different in the future. That's like women sticking with guys, always hoping they are going to change. They don't.

 

In my 50 years on this planet, I have never, ever once seen a situation whereby a man suggests - however gently and supportively - for his lady to lose some weight that did not end badly.

 

Never.

 

Not once.

 

Now, he's to be commended for being upfront and clear about his desires. The fact that you're offended by it is, IMHO, the entirely wrong way to look at it (though frankly it's not surprising).

 

People have preferences. Undoubtedly there's going to be some responses saying that he's shallow and all the rest, but the fact is that having preferences doesn't make one shallow. It's no different than a woman wanting a man with, say, a full head of hair or to be a certain height, with one exception: Amount of hair and height is not a choice. Weight is.

 

So I guess you have a choice. You can continue to remain offended by the fact that he told you his preferences or you can be thankful that he felt comfortable enough with you to tell you what he likes.

 

Frankly, I see nothing at all wrong with working towards that mutual goal. It's better and healthier for both of you. And what can be wrong with that?

[Keoki]

I am very offended that he wants me to change, regardless of his reasoning.

 

Well now, that's not fair. If he wanted you to improve the quality of your life by losing weight and becoming more fit, for your own benefit and happiness, would you feel the same way?

[Thaddeus]

noooo- HIS preference is to marry a smaller woman so he can be the big guy protector, at least that is what he says. if she were 6'1" would he not allow her to wear heels because she would be taller than him?

You're assigning meanings to what's been written that may not be accurate. Maybe he does want to be big guy protector, but then again maybe he just has a preference for women that are the same size or smaller than him because he's more sexually attracted that way. I dunno. Neither do you. Only he does.

the OP already dealt with weight issues and had to hospitalized..... how is that healthy?

Nobody suggested it's healthy to go on a crash diet and end up in the hospital. Clearly, what the OP did in the past was not a healthy course of action. But a well-planned and well-monitored exercise and diet plan can be a great benefit to both parties.

[stace79]

stace, this makes no sense. If you've always been a particular size and he believes you're beautiful, why would he want you to change? Perhaps you need to ask him why he wouldn't have selected an SO who didn't need to amend her physical traits, to accommodate for his preferences.

 

Now if you've suddenly put on 50 lbs, I would be concerned about the health risks associated to sudden, substantial weight gain.

 

This is precisely my point. I am healthy by my doctor's standards -- good cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. Yes I could stand to lose 20, maybe even 30 pounds, but I have been relatively consistent minus that one bad patch of starving myself.

 

I haven't suddenly gained a ton of weight or anything. I do eat healthy most of the time -- salad, cutting meals out in half and making two meals out of them, exercising a few times per week.

 

I don't want to live at a gym though, or forego doing volunteer things that truly bring me joy in life, to go to the gym. And I don't want to be a slave to the calorie -- counting every thing that I eat! And that is really the only way I feel I will lose a significant amount of weight.

[Trialbyfire]

This is precisely my point. I am healthy by my doctor's standards -- good cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. Yes I could stand to lose 20, maybe even 30 pounds, but I have been relatively consistent minus that one bad patch of starving myself.

 

I haven't suddenly gained a ton of weight or anything. I do eat healthy most of the time -- salad, cutting meals out in half and making two meals out of them, exercising a few times per week.

 

I don't want to live at a gym though, or forego doing volunteer things that truly bring me joy in life, to go to the gym. And I don't want to be a slave to the calorie -- counting every thing that I eat! And that is really the only way I feel I will lose a significant amount of weight.

I would push him back hard. Just tell him that if he weighed 200 lbs, this wouldn't be an issue. You can't help it if he's a featherweight!

[Thaddeus]

I would push him back hard. Just tell him that if he weighed 200 lbs, this wouldn't be an issue. You can't help it if he's a featherweight!

Yes, of course you would. Instead of working constructively through the issue, you'll raise the stakes, the temperature and the conflict.

 

WTF???

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, of course you would. Instead of working constructively through the issue, you'll raise the stakes, the temperature and the conflict.

 

WTF???

I'm partially kidding, although her fiance is being unreasonable. He CHOSE her, not someone else. She didn't suddenly gain 50 lbs, in a short span of time. Changing the rules mid-stream requires buy-in from both parties.

 

Also, you might want to look at the history between these two. I don't think this is just about weight but I could be wrong.

[stace79]

I'm partially kidding, although her fiance is being unreasonable. He CHOSE her, not someone else. She didn't suddenly gain 50 lbs, in a short span of time. Changing the rules mid-stream requires buy-in from both parties.

 

Also, you might want to look at the history between these two. I don't think this is just about weight but I could be wrong.

 

1. Things had been going well for us. He came to visit me for four days this weekend, as I was in my best friend's wedding. We had a great visit. He was super supportive and fun, and I was feeling very happy and close to him. This conversation came up while he was driving home, and I didn't understand it at all. He kept telling me all weekend how beautiful I looked in my dress, etc. but then it's like "Well I always wanted to be bigger than my gf/wife so I can feel like I'm able to protect her, not the other way around." (So stupid and chauvinistic by the way, but he's entitled to his opinion.)

 

2. I feel like if he doesn't like me as I am, right this second, then "Screw you, there are other guys who'd take me even if I never dropped another ounce." It's like the guys who wouldn't date an ugly duckling in high school, but then she blooms in college and loses some weight or develops some curves, gets braces or whatever and BAM they're on her like white on rice! Ya know what I mean?

[Keoki]

(So stupid and chauvinistic by the way, but he's entitled to his opinion.)

 

FWIW, I don't think it is, and I bet most guys want to be bigger than their woman, just as most women want to be smaller than their man.

[boogieboy]

 

It's like -- if you don't like who I am or what I look like, then just break up with me. We aren't married yet. But don't insist on sticking it out, hoping that I will be different in the future. That's like women sticking with guys, always hoping they are going to change. They don't.

 

Sounds like you need to beat him to the punch. Hes not going to change, he might get worse in wanting you to lose weight.

[stace79]

You're assigning meanings to what's been written that may not be accurate. Maybe he does want to be big guy protector, but then again maybe he just has a preference for women that are the same size or smaller than him because he's more sexually attracted that way. I dunno. Neither do you. Only he does.Nobody suggested it's healthy to go on a crash diet and end up in the hospital. Clearly, what the OP did in the past was not a healthy course of action. But a well-planned and well-monitored exercise and diet plan can be a great benefit to both parties.

 

He has said it has nothing to do with physical attraction. He repeatedly said "In case you didnt notice, I couldn't keep my hands off you all weekend." He says it isn't that he doesn't find me attractive -- he says he's always found curvier, "voluptuous" women more attractive than the skinnier celeb lookalikes.

 

So it's like wtf? Why do I need to be smaller than you? If he is sexually attracted to me (he said), if he thinks I'm the woman for him (his words), if he wants to marry me (his words), he loves me just the way I look right now (again his words) then why do I need to stress over losing 25 pounds for him to be "happier"?

 

He says it's about bringing out the best in each other. But it really hurts my feelings. It's mixed messages -- how can you love the way I look right now and be really sexually attracted to me, all the while wanting me to lose 25 pounds?

 

AND, it doesn't have anything to do with health. He's said that, too. It's all this "mental quirk" (again his words) that he wants and needs to weigh more than his wife.

[Trialbyfire]

1. Things had been going well for us. He came to visit me for four days this weekend, as I was in my best friend's wedding. We had a great visit. He was super supportive and fun, and I was feeling very happy and close to him. This conversation came up while he was driving home, and I didn't understand it at all. He kept telling me all weekend how beautiful I looked in my dress, etc. but then it's like "Well I always wanted to be bigger than my gf/wife so I can feel like I'm able to protect her, not the other way around." (So stupid and chauvinistic by the way, but he's entitled to his opinion.)

 

2. I feel like if he doesn't like me as I am, right this second, then "Screw you, there are other guys who'd take me even if I never dropped another ounce." It's like the guys who wouldn't date an ugly duckling in high school, but then she blooms in college and loses some weight or develops some curves, gets braces or whatever and BAM they're on her like white on rice! Ya know what I mean?

Stace, if you look at your history, he's a push/pull kind of guy. I don't know what drives him to go for your vulnerabilities, but in this, he's been fairly negatively consistent. Be careful.

[quankanne]

This conversation came up while he was driving home, and I didn't understand it at all. He kept telling me all weekend how beautiful I looked in my dress, etc. but then it's like "Well I always wanted to be bigger than my gf/wife so I can feel like I'm able to protect her, not the other way around."

 

you should've patted him on the leg and told him, "well, honey, I've always dreamed of marrying a man with a huge schlong, so I know how you feel," then smiled sweetly at him.

 

because while it's perfectly normal to have ideals and fantasies, it's bullshxt to make someone feel like crap for not living up to them, even if you're not intending to elicit that kind of response.

 

my vote goes with what the doctor tells her: That for a taller girl (I'm 5-4, so honey, you're TALL in my book!), she's relatively healthy. If she sets out to lose weight, fine, but the thing is, she's healthy. And people should be focused on that, not her weight or size.

[Thornton]

I think it's fairly common for guys to want to date girls who are smaller than them. A lot of girls will only date guys who are larger than them, in both height and weight. If your bf genuinely wants a smaller gf, then I wouldn't expect your relationship to last unless you lose weight. Not that you have to lose weight, but if you don't want to then you might as well kiss the relationship goodbye.

 

I think getting engaged makes people think seriously about what they want in a partner. You might be ticking along ok, but a marriage proposal prompts the thought "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Is this person what I want in a partner?" Perhaps your bf hadn't thought about it much until your relationship got serious, but when he really thought about it, it does bother him that you're larger than him.

 

I once dated a guy who was overweight, but I didn't exactly like him as he was - I liked him as a person and I could see that he would be kind of cute if he dropped some weight, plus he was trying to diet and work out so I thought his weight problem would improve. Fast forward three years and he hadn't actually lost any weight, he was still as fat as ever. He proposed to me, and when I really thought about it I decided I liked him as a person but it was obvious that he was never going to address his weight problem, and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who was likely to remain that size... so I broke off the relationship.

 

In the end it's up to you whether you want to lose weight or not, but if you choose not to it could have serious consequences for your relationship as well as for your health. Perhaps it would be wise to lose some weight anyway, because if you weigh over 190lb at your height you're clinically obese, which isn't healthy (Even being 165lb at your height still makes you overweight).

[Enema]

I think the "I want to be bigger than my wife" is a smoke screen.

 

You've been together for 3 years now and he wants to try someone who's not quite so chunky.

 

This is just his sly way of asking you to lose weight so he can indulge the male drive for variety.

[stace79]

Stace, if you look at your history, he's a push/pull kind of guy. I don't know what drives him to go for your vulnerabilities, but in this, he's been fairly negatively consistent. Be careful.

 

Can you elaborate? Not sure I totally follow.

[Chocolat]

At my worst I was 5'7'' and 250 lbs but that was almost 7 years ago. I lost weight and have consistently stayed in the 185-195 lb range

 

At 5'7" and 195 pounds your BMI is in the obesity range. Is it possible your fiance has other concerns about your weight/health but just does not know how to surface them. He may think that by establishing a shared goal -- he'll try to gain weight if oyu try to lose it -- he is somehow softening the idea.

 

Also, if you are eating as you say (splitting meals in two, not eating junk) and not losing weight, then you should have a doctor evaluate your thyroid and test you for diabetes. Maintaining your current height/weight requires significant caloric intake, assuming oyur metabolism is functioning propoerly.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, if you are eating as you say (splitting meals in two, not eating junk) and not losing weight, then you should have a doctor evaluate your thyroid and test you for diabetes. Maintaining your current height/weight requires significant caloric intake, assuming oyur metabolism is functioning propoerly.

Every overweight person I've ever met will tell you they live on a few organic nuts and berries. They simply lose track (willingly or not) of what they eat.

 

I agree that the OP's fiance is simply telling her that he doesn't want a 200 lb spouse. If she doesn't want to lose weight, he's not the guy for her. There's no right or wrong here, simply his preference for someone thinner and her choice not to make the change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sally4sara]

The problem is that he's been with me for three years and almost six months. He never had serious enough issues with my weight before to say these things.

 

If he doesn't like my weight right this second, then I guess I wonder why he asked me to marry him. What if I never ever lost any more weight? What if I remained at 195 for the rest of our lives? I can't guarantee to him that I'm going to weigh 170 or less the rest of my life. What if he got sick again and only weighed 160? Do I then have to compensate for that too?

 

It's like -- if you don't like who I am or what I look like, then just break up with me. We aren't married yet. But don't insist on sticking it out, hoping that I will be different in the future. That's like women sticking with guys, always hoping they are going to change. They don't.

 

Could this new issue just be the thing he is using to postpone actually marrying? It does sound like he is making his own sense of not being (in his mind) manly and a protector, your problem to fix. How manly of him.

But as I read your additional info, I began to ponder why this is a new issue. If your weight was the real issue, he wouldn't have been much attracted to you to date you for over three years. So it made me wonder, when you shared that he said "he wanted his wife to be smaller than himself", that this was his way of getting out of making a long term commitment.

[LeXmaRk]

Loosing weight is very simple. If you want a quick route dont read furthure.

 

- Diet:

• 4 servings of fruit and vegetables throughout the day.
  
• Carbs in the morning. Ex: Oatmeal, plain white rice or spaghetti. (Keep these healthy, no friggen sugure or crap)
  
• Protien in the afternoon. EX: medium portion fish.
  

- Exerfriginsize:

• Run for no less then 20 minutes 5 times a week. No panzy jogs. run until your sweating like a pig and your lungs feel like their workin over time.
  
• weight lifting burns fat even after your done working out. 3-4 times a week. Start with body weight workouts like; Pushups, dips, situps, the invisible chair. Start pushing free weights around at a low weight but many repitions feeling the burn is very frigen important.
  

I promise you if you follow something similar to this you will loose weight.

expect noticable results in following months and watch yourself transfrigenform. If you want a quick way, no such things. This is all you got.