Ever date someone with Bipolar Disorder?

[writergal]

I posted this in the dating thread and then it disappeared just now. So I wanted to repost my question.

 

I recently was reconnected with an ex-bf of 12 years ago (we dated for 3 months) on match.com when he contacted me.

 

12 years ago we dated briefly before I had to leave the country to teach abroad. He broke up with me then b/c he didn't want to wait for me, and I never heard from him again.

 

So when he asked me out, via match.com, I said yes b/c I was curious to see what he'd been up to and find some closure (if i could) about why he didn't want to wait for me when I went abroad to teach for one year.

 

We had a great first date -- art festival, dinner and drinks, then walk in the park. At the end of the date, when we were sitting in the park, he dropped the bombshell on me that he sufferes from Bipolar Disorder and has been on Lithium, Seroquil, and Ativan for the past 20 years. He didn't tell me 12 years ago when we dated b/c he didn't "want to scare me away" he said.

 

We're obviously still very attracted to each other now, as we were then. He has a good relationship with his family from what I can remember (I met his parents and brother 12 years ago and they were a very supportive, upper middle class family unit). He never was violent with me when we dated; he never called me names or treated me poorly. He always treated me well, was very gentle with me physically and verbally. The one weird thing he did share with me is that he's kept a journal that he feels is full of more negative venting than anything positive, and he once tried to go off his Lithium for 3 months but had so many manic episodes he had to go back on it. He has been seeing a therapist weekly for nearly 20 years and depression runs in his family.

 

He's very socially awkward, somewhat socially naive about people, like, he doesn't consider himself macho on the basketball court or soccer field and doesn't like it when the guys he plays sports with, tease each other or get competitive b/c it makes him feel insecure (he said he feels like he gets taken advantage of a lot by people). He also hasn't had many long-term relationships, and he just recently had a career change from being a full-time employed chemist to now high school chemistry teacher. He coaches a high school soccer team for his city (not the highschool where he works), via community sports in summertime, and plays in a rock band. So he does have outlets and seems to function.

 

I'm just nervous about getting serious with him now that I know about his bipolar disorder. I'm afraid of hurting him emotionally if we were to fight about anything now. We never really fought about anything 12 years ago, either. I don't want to walk on eggshells around him, and I don't want to date him seriously just b/c I'd be afraid of rejecting him and the consequences (like, would he stalk me or do something to harm me even though he seems very gentle on the surface).

 

We did briefly talk about how to move forward after he told me about his mental illness. I suggested we just take it slow and date casually, and even date other people,to which he agreed. But he's not dating anyone else and he doesn't have as much relationship experience (esp. with physical intimacy) as I do, so I don't want to lead him on or do anything to hurt his feelings.

 

Is it never a good idea to date someone with a bipolar illness?

[MSUE]

would you date someone with diabetes?

 

its just another illness and with proper medical care a bipolar person is perfectly normal...I am bipolar so are 2 of mys sisters...we didn't ask for it but it is believed to be part genetic ...I have been on medical care for years and I'm perfectly normal in fact noone believes me till they look at my medicine cabinet...it is however very important to educate yourself on the illness so you can better understand him and the swings...there's a great book called"Loving someone with bipolar disorder" go get yourself a copy...and love him or who he is

[writergal]

Thanks MSUE.

 

I will definitely check out that book. I really like this guy although I'm a bit scared. Like you said, diabetes or mental illness should not be a reason NOT to date someone, b/c people don't choose what illnesses they get. Like, I didn't choose to get a thyroid disease with hypoglycemia and food allergies. That doesn't mean I'm less dateable. It just means I have issues I have to deal with.

 

What is bipolar disorder exactly? I'm not scared of diabetes but because its a mental illness, I'm a little scared, I admit it.

 

My last boyfriend (recently) never had a diagnosis, but I believe he may be bipolar too, b/c he was mean to me, had serious mood swings, lied to me all the time, never apologized and never seemed genuinely sorry when he would apologize, had racing thoughts, was definitely hypersexual with me (even if I wasn't in the mood, he pressured me into having sex with him every day), always sees himself as the victim (at family gatherings, he would just leave if they teased him and upset him and he's 38 years old).

 

The biggest red flag to me with my ex-boyfriend (not the one I'm posting about now, whom I dated 12 years ago), is that he blamed his ex-wife for the demise of their marriage, citing her as the crazy one. He wont even acknowledge now that relationships are not just about his feelings, needs and desires, but that other people are affected by his actions.

[MSUE]

Its a mood disorder

 

wiki is great at explaining it

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

 

 

its normal for person to feel sad or happy or energetic those are normal emotions but when you are bipolar things go a lil more extreme based on how intense your illness is and wether a person is stable due to meds...the mood swings can happen in a split second which is considred rapid cycling...usually this occurs when not medicated properly but when I hit the down(depression) I don't want to move I don't feel llike doing anything,I don't want to leave the house I don't have the energy, everything is so tiring and draining walking my dog for 5 mins feels like an hour...hope my description helps...when I hit the up which is the manic state...forget it its like a person on coke...there's endless energy. feel on top of the world,you can get a lot of chores accomplished around the house cause i'm manic so I'm like the energizer bunny, I also become very irritable, very very irritable a simple sound that i don't like can make me snap,Ican sleep 2 hours and feel like I slept 10 I feel so rested I can do anything and everything I like it for the most part...most people with the illness do cause other than the irritability factor it feels great to be so hyper cause you get a lot done...it is however hard to focus cause my head is all over the place

 

 

Medication prevents those extreme swings...but it takes more than just pills...the person with the illness must study and educate themselves troughly so you can catch yourself when a swing its happening then you can say to yourself ok I'm getting pissed cause I'm irritable...I'm irritable cause I'm bipolar...I need to take a deep breath walk away from whatever it is that is getting to my last nerve and ready to snap...and have a self talk over and over...then calm down and walk back in

 

 

personally it is my best technique but it took me many years to learn what was going on in my head and how to catch myself and if I notice that my behaviour and tolerance is changing I call my DR and let him know so that something can be adjusted...when I'm down I hardly ever pick up the phone to call him...after all I'm in an extreme depression but my BF calls

 

 

 

I hope my description and experience helps you understand better...please know that after all these years of treatment I'm 90% normal...there's always that part that has room for error

[alphamale]

if he's under the regular care of a good shrink and taking his meds as prescribed i don't see why you cannot get involved with him. but keep in mind that 95% of marriages where one partner is bipolar end in divorce.

 

good day

alphamale

[Quest]

There's a good book by Kay Redfield Jamieson called 'An Unquiet Mind' which is about bi-polar disorder. If your guy is taking his medication and responds well to it I don't see what the problem is. I haven't dated anyone with bi-polar disorder but I have a few friends who have it and all of them but one are in stable relationships. They don't seem to have had any more problem in relationships than anyone else:). Also, I grew up with a father with a mental health problem and despite some of the problems that brought he was a better, more faithful husband than a lot of men you read about, and a loving Dad!

[Tayla]

I must side to caution. There are levels to Bi-Polar. Some Mild to Very Extreme. It can be tempered with Medication . To the Non Polar partner its a very stressing condition to be asked to witness. I had a co-worker who carried this condition and it was anything but loving depending if they were up or down. TRUST becomes a big issue. Trusting they won't spew verbally or Cut you off and isolate. When in the euphoria mode they have the devil may care attitude- risk more then normal...and then come down and go into deep depression that they blew all there money at the track. Even keel is not in the symptoms nature. Mental illness is a big deal and should be handled for what it is...treat the condition/symptoms. Hopefully this person is doing that to gain some grounds of normalcy.

 

I often asked myself when troubled with a dilema, What would I tell my grown kids if they dated a person with such illness? My answer: research the condition, ask yourself if you can handle that, and lastly, are they worth it to you and the goals you have set? Basically dont rush into a burning house without proper gear .

[junglejim]

Been there, seen it, done it. Be very wary of what you are getting into.

 

I had a 7 year relationship with someone that suffered from depression with mild bipolar. As someone else mentioned this is a big deal.

 

Not everyone is the same but the advice on here to research the illness is dead on. I went into it without knowing and it took a lot of emotional energy to learn and change to make room for it.

 

Now this is based on my personal experience and therefore not as objective as it could be but to be honest, a lot of books and psychologists who right about this stuff have never had to live with a sufferer and have little clue what it's like 24/7.

 

I should start by saying that I still care for this person and through 7 years of continuous support and allowing her to change career and succeed in her dreams, she has mastered most of her issues and in many ways now is emotionally stronger than others I know.

 

The reason I am no longer with her is because my feelings changed and I knew that she was strong enough to go on her own. The process of allowing her to focus entirely on herself, to give her whatever she needed it when she needed it (and the requirements and rules change on a regular basis), left me feeling like I was a caretaker, a nurse and a big brother and it forever changed our relationship. I will say that I am now more proud of her and respect her more than I ever did. I just feel very differently from when we first met.

 

In my personal experience, depression and bipolar forces the sufferer to be more selfish emotionally than someone else. When down, they also feel like a burden which just makes things worse. For two years, there were times when I had to work hard to get her up, to wash, to eat etc and then the next minute she was launching a new business, throwing money at it, and then letting the idea drown.

 

I am a very straight talker. I had to learn to walk on eggshells or not say anything at all. Be prepared for a mood swing that can turn violent. Be ready for issues when medications are changed or doses are modified but do encourage exploration until the right drug and dose is found. Believe me, many of the drugs just make things worse.

 

Accept that for the most part, your needs come last. Not a problem if you truly love someone but it can cause issues.

 

Be ready to give them lot's of space when they need it without any attempts to prevent them from screwing up as this will blow up in your face.

 

Learn to be a very good listener. I always use to try and fix things - WRONG! I learned to just shut up and listen and let them work it out. People with bipolar or other forms of depression are not stupid or incapable, they just have a different way of reaching conclusions and do so from an offset angle. All you can do is try and help them have an objective perspective through suggestion and questions.

 

Don't expect them to return the interest in your life, work, hobbies etc. that you show to them. They have a lot they are dealing with in their own world just to get through a day or are so fired up with their own idea they barely notice you.

 

As I scanned back through this I realized it sounds pretty depressing and maybe somewhat bitter. I am actually grateful for the experience as it made me a better person but it takes a huge emotional toll on you as the partner.

 

Perhaps if I had better understood what was going on with her from the beginning, I would have been better at getting her to where she is now and the attraction as a partner would have remained. I have several friends who suffer from depression in various forms. They are all smart, witty and caring (more than most that have no illness) and they have no choice about the way that they feel but they can learn with counseling and in some cases medication to alter their perspective and to control the scope of the swings.

 

If this person is a good person, I see know reason, if you are aware of the needs he will have and the compromises you will have to make, why you should not explore things further. And as I said before, everyone is different. My situation may have no similarity to yours whatsoever. It is also important to note that if I met my Ex today with no knowledge of where she had been and what she had fought through, I would probably be very interested in her. So it also depends on where they are with the illness and how severe it is.

[Trialbyfire]

writergal, from what I've seen of bipolar individuals on LS and what I get from your posts of yourself, I think this would be a negative dynamic for both of you.

 

Both of you need someone who's very calm, consistent and emotionally bullet-proof.

[JamesM]

I am going to agree with TBF and jim, this is a big deal and if it is an issue at all now (and it is because you are asking about it), then you can figure it will become a much bigger deal down the road.

 

And this does not mean he is less of a person. Since you asked, then I answer related to how it affects you.

 

If you had said that you loved him so much and wanted to know how to be a better partner to someone who struggles with this disease, then I for one would say that this may work out for the long term future. However, you seem very hesitant about getting serious with him and this is a factor.

 

I have seen bipolar marriages. The non-bipolar partner needs patience, love and commitment. If the one with bi-polar decides (as this guy did) to try to get off meds, then the partner deals with the consequences. The partner then needs to guide the person back to his meds. The pain that I have witnessed and heard from one friend in particular would be good for you to experience. He loves his wife, and he doesn't (at least outwardly) regret his decision, but it has brought him much pain. And the turmoil that it brought to his children has had consequences for how they are as adults.

 

I am well aware of the fact that bi-polar disease can be controlled and cause minimal disruption, but while we want to compare a mental illness to a physical illness, they are not the same. Having experienced a minor depression, I can say that mental illnesses affect one's life in a completely different way. I know my friend would rather deal with a physical illness than a mental illness.

 

A physical illness affects your partner and may disrupt your life, but a mental illness will affect how he or she will look at life and you. That is why one of the most difficult illnesses for older people to watch happen is Alzheimer's. Why? Because the person they see is no longer the person they married. I highly doubt that any would say that it can be compared to diabetes.

 

And for those who have it, I mean no offense. It is a difficulty that can be managed. It may have little influence on how your life goes. Personally, I would not hesitate to marry a woman who I knew had it...IF I also knew that my love was strong enough to bear the pain (at least at the time of dating).

 

What I hear from you, OP is that the bi-polar disease is a reason for NOT loving him. Then I say...think twice and avoid hurting both of you.

[Arabella]

I was involved in a LD relationship with a Bipolar guy for some time. In addition to Bipolar disorder, he also suffered from OCD and ADHD. I believe most issues we encountered stemmed from his Bipolar Disorder though. I have posted extensively about all the problems we had and how it ended, but I will try to summarize some of the main issues his mental disorders caused.

 

For background, he is 21 years old and had been diagnosed with these conditions only a couple of years before. They had gone largely untreated up to this point and throughout our relationship. He is otherwise a very outgoing, charismatic, highly intelligent and well-read person, especially for his age.

 

- Constant, indiscriminate lying. Sometimes about little things to save face, sometimes about huge things that I would come to find out later only when he contradicted himself on something he had previously stated. He would only admit to it when I would show him proof of it or rationalized why I knew he was lying. Then he would make excuses for it.

 

- Problems prioritizing responsibilities. He had a very clear-cut priority list: his parents, work, school and me. In that exact order. He would move down the list fulfilling the demands of each. Problem was that when everything else was taken care of, he would rarely find the time, effort or emotion to fulfill MY needs because something higher up in the list was usually demanding his attention again. He did poorly in school for the same reason.

 

- Abnormal need for space. Someone else mentioned this already and in my opinion it's one of the key aspects. At first, he would simply avoid talking to me on the phone when he was in one of his depressive episodes, but he would keep in touch through texts. Later, he would simply drop off the face of the Earth for days at a time until he was ready to talk again.

 

- Him first, everything else after. He had an incredibly high sense of self-preservation to the point of selfish and dismissive. If he wanted or needed to do something he never would take into consideration how that made me feel. I would show interest in his life and how he was doing, but it was rarely returned. I had surgery when he was going through a rough patch and he never even bothered to check on me (although he expressed his relief that I was alright when he heard from me again).

 

- Contact always on his terms. He would only respond to text messages he wanted to respond to and he would never return my calls. He would decide when we talked, how and the duration. When he would drop contact for days at a time, so I would text him asking him to text me back to let me know he was alright, he would just plainly ignore me despite the fact he knew I was worried sick (he attempted to commit suicide once, hence my concern...).

 

- Ever-changing rules of the game. First he wanted my attention 100% of the time. Then he didn't want it at all. He talked about moving in together and the future we would have, then he would get upset when I brought it up and avoid talking about it. But then he would tell me that he still felt the same and wanted the same things. I rarely had a clue of what was going on with him.

 

- Zero reliability. He would say he was going to do things and not do them. He would say he was going to call at a certain time but wouldn't. He seemed to have no sense of timing or planning. Not even for the immediate future, like the rest of the evening. He would fail to anticipate things like homework or even dinner that would prevent him from fulfilling a commitment to me. I could never count on him to be available when he said he was going to be or get in touch with him when I needed him.

 

- Never apologized. He would apologize for little things that didn't matter but when he did something major that he knew had hurt me, he never would. I honestly think he simply didn't have the emotional capacity to process and empathize with other's feelings and the effects his actions caused. This happened even when he did things to me that someone else had done to HIM and knew exactly how hurtful they were.

 

Reading all this, you can probably tell why the relationship didn't work. As of right now, I haven't heard from him in a week, and I honestly doubt I ever will again. When the rose-colored glasses cracked and I began to see him for who he was and started figuring out all that he had done, I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. I became highly resentful even though I still cared deeply about him. Then he decided to cut contact because he clearly couldn't cope with all the negative emotion.

 

If you're still reading after all this, here is my advice... thread carefully. Watch for the signs. If he cannot give you the things you consider basic for you to be happy, you shouldn't compromise. And of course, make sure he is following a treatment and don't allow him to get off it without doctor's approval.

 

Best of luck... you are going to need it

 

Arabella

[junglejim]

Arabella,

 

Well said. You covered a lot of things I had not thought of and you were much clearer. Suddenly finding out things such as hidden debts, lies to family and friends and then forcing you to join in on the lie, etc etc etc.

 

The point for writergal (which I think has already been said) is you probably don't want to get into these waters if you are not convinced that the rest is worth it.

[Arabella]

Do keep in mind that the things I posted are in a "worst case scenario" situation where the mental condition wasn't being managed with any medication at all.

 

But also remember medication isn't some panacea... there will be good and bad periods for his condition and if you love him, you will find your life become heavily governed by these mood swings.

 

I know that's what happened to me, and I consider myself to be a relatively emotionally stable person with good coping skills. If he was happy, I was happy, if he wasn't happy, well... you catch the drift. I never even realized this was happening until the end.

 

If you asked me whether I would do it all over again if I had known of his mental issues from the very beginning... the answer is yes, I would. But I would make it a condition that he gets treatment and if he refused, I would be out the door in a split second.

 

Bipolar disorder unmanaged will slowly send their lives into a downward spiral they cannot get out of - and they will pull you in too if you let them. Keep it in mind. Treatment is key.

 

Arabella

[alphamale]

yes i dated a girl with bipolar for a year. she was much more "sane" than some normal women i dated...

[JamesM]

And to continue what bhweller said, many people do not find out that they have bipolar disorder or any other disorder (physical or mental) until after they are married.

 

You have an opportunity to research this and decide if you can handle this. Or rather, you can decide if your possible love for him is stronger than the impact of the bipolar disease.

[alphamale]

And to continue what bhweller said, many people do not find out that they have bipolar disorder or any other disorder (physical or mental) until after they are married.

mental illness, like any other disease comes in different "flavours"....there is mild, medium, severe and profound.

 

so as long as the person doesn't have severe or profound bipolar disorder you should be good to go.

[sveltskye]

I am bipolar and I think that I am seriously a great candidate for being in a relationship, though I am currently not right now. I would be happy to discuss with anyone who would like to learn more about the disease. There are also several books on the subject of being in a relationship or being a loved one of someone with bipolar.

Bipolar people are just like everyone else and every person is an individual, I think that is important to remember. Everybody has their own issues but not everybody is labeled for them. I think empathy and seeing one's partner for who they are is key. I also think that its apparent when someone is stable and in a good place, bipolar or no.

[You'reasian]

I posted this in the dating thread and then it disappeared just now. So I wanted to repost my question.

 

I recently was reconnected with an ex-bf of 12 years ago (we dated for 3 months) on match.com when he contacted me.

 

12 years ago we dated briefly before I had to leave the country to teach abroad. He broke up with me then b/c he didn't want to wait for me, and I never heard from him again.

 

So when he asked me out, via match.com, I said yes b/c I was curious to see what he'd been up to and find some closure (if i could) about why he didn't want to wait for me when I went abroad to teach for one year.

 

We had a great first date -- art festival, dinner and drinks, then walk in the park. At the end of the date, when we were sitting in the park, he dropped the bombshell on me that he sufferes from Bipolar Disorder and has been on Lithium, Seroquil, and Ativan for the past 20 years. He didn't tell me 12 years ago when we dated b/c he didn't "want to scare me away" he said.

 

We're obviously still very attracted to each other now, as we were then. He has a good relationship with his family from what I can remember (I met his parents and brother 12 years ago and they were a very supportive, upper middle class family unit). He never was violent with me when we dated; he never called me names or treated me poorly. He always treated me well, was very gentle with me physically and verbally. The one weird thing he did share with me is that he's kept a journal that he feels is full of more negative venting than anything positive, and he once tried to go off his Lithium for 3 months but had so many manic episodes he had to go back on it. He has been seeing a therapist weekly for nearly 20 years and depression runs in his family.

 

He's very socially awkward, somewhat socially naive about people, like, he doesn't consider himself macho on the basketball court or soccer field and doesn't like it when the guys he plays sports with, tease each other or get competitive b/c it makes him feel insecure (he said he feels like he gets taken advantage of a lot by people). He also hasn't had many long-term relationships, and he just recently had a career change from being a full-time employed chemist to now high school chemistry teacher. He coaches a high school soccer team for his city (not the highschool where he works), via community sports in summertime, and plays in a rock band. So he does have outlets and seems to function.

 

I'm just nervous about getting serious with him now that I know about his bipolar disorder. I'm afraid of hurting him emotionally if we were to fight about anything now. We never really fought about anything 12 years ago, either. I don't want to walk on eggshells around him, and I don't want to date him seriously just b/c I'd be afraid of rejecting him and the consequences (like, would he stalk me or do something to harm me even though he seems very gentle on the surface).

 

We did briefly talk about how to move forward after he told me about his mental illness. I suggested we just take it slow and date casually, and even date other people,to which he agreed. But he's not dating anyone else and he doesn't have as much relationship experience (esp. with physical intimacy) as I do, so I don't want to lead him on or do anything to hurt his feelings.

 

Is it never a good idea to date someone with a bipolar illness?

 

Is he truly bi-polar? Ask him to show you his prescriptions.

[dashing daisy]

Depends.

 

I'm bipolar, but I've reached a point with my meds and therapy that it barely affects me at all. No one would know unless they literally saw me taking my medicine or I told them.

 

However, there were times in the past, for quite a while after I was first diagnosed (and of course before I was diagnosed) that it greatly affected all of my relationships. I did not accept it, didn't want to me on medication, and then refused to consistently take my medicine (so I would take it, be mostly stable for a while, and then stop taking it). It made everything, from my work life to my personal life feel like a roller coaster; and it definitely affected my friends and family to an extent, and it greatly affected my relationship.

 

So I would say it depends on how much the illness affects his life, and how much you are willing to allow it to affect yours. Kind of like deciding on whether you want to get involved with someone who has cancer. It is quite different to start something who is just getting into treatment for stage 3 carcinoma, and quite another with someone who has been in remission for 4 years.

 

But in the end, it is your decision to make. Would I be offended if someone didn't want to date me just because I had bipolar? Yes. But it's much nicer to hear that before you get deeply involved with someone.

 

You are right, you should not get involved with someone because you are afraid of how they will react if you decide not to date them. And if you do decide that you want to date him, move slow, and read up on bipolar disorder and what it means.

 

Actually now I see that this thread has been left for a while, so I wonder how this went. Update?

[sedgwick]

I have bipolar disorder. I have gotten extensive therapy and have been stable on medications for many years. I have a pretty normal life -- haven't been hospitalized in years, have a job, have good, long-term relationships. Now that I'm on the right meds, I see no reason I can't do anything anyone else can do. I know other bipolar folks about whom I could say the same. If someone's on top of it, bipolar disorder doesn't have to be a hindrance at all.

 

I highly recommend Marya Hornbacher's memoir Madness: A Bipolar Life.

Edited November 18, 2009 by sedgwick