Kick him to the Curb?

[UrbanAngel]

I have been seeing a guy for a little over a year. The first two months were great, there was an immediate connection and we really seemed to click. Well, I went away for New Year's and when I got back, he told me he had something to confess. During a New Year's party, he got ridiculously drunk, and kissed a girl a couple of times (no tongue, but not a grandmother kiss either). He had no way of getting home, and fell asleep in this girl's bed. He insists that nothing happened between them, and I do believe this, as I have talked to coworkers who were at the party and knew the girl, and she is very reserved with sexual contact with guys and apparently she had told them that nothing had happened except them going to sleep.

 

When he told me (which, to his credit, he did immediatly), I was upset and told him I would rather just be friends, and told him to give me a week to myself before he tried to contact me. Well, when we started hanging out again, it was apparent the atraction was still there, and I decided to give him a second chance. We resumed the relationship, which has been going well ever since. He has been completely faithful and respectful.

 

Six months ago, he dropped the bomb.

 

I noticed that he had been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend more than usual. This was the last girl he had seriously dated before me. They had only gone out for only 3 months about eight months before we got together, but he took it quite seriously and was very intense in his feelings for her. She broke it off citing incompatibility. They were friends when we got together, and it was clear that he thought highly of her, saying she was one of his favorite people and things to that extent. I thought nothing of it, as I have tried to maintain friendly relations with ex's and take it as a sign of maturity if others are able to do the same. He has always been open with her about his relationship with me and tried to include me in group activities where she would be present. Nevertheless, I was a bit worried by the sudden frequency of interactions, and asked him if there was cause for my concern.

 

Well, I found out that during the week that he hadn't seen me, they slept together. She had told him that she still had feelings for him and wanted to be together. They had a brief fling for a couple of days that culminated in them sleeping together. During this time he maintained that when she left to go back to school(about 5 hours away), the affair would end completely. She even said that whenever she left he would probably go running back to me, and he said it was a possibility. He wasn't sure if I would take him back, but he was planning on pursuing it. I'll also mention that during their 3 month relationship, they never slept together.

 

Now, every time she comes back, she tells him how much in love with him she is. He has told her that he is in love with me and doesn't wish to pursue anything with her. He said he was seeing her that often because he felt guilty about leading her on, as she was taking his rejection hard and has had a history of emotional disturbances and instabilities, and he spent most of that time explaining to her how in love with me he was.

 

If you have made it to the end of this ridiculously long opus I applaud you, and any advice or insight you have on the situation would be enormously appreciated.

[wideawake]

to the curb he would go if this was my life.

[Leikela]

Do you love him? Do you truly believe he loves you?

 

Judging from his actions, he cannot be totally and completely in love with you the way YOU deserve to be. The fact that he slept with his ex for the first time during that week is a HUGE slap in the face. He obviously didn't respect you at all. He slept with her with the intentions of getting back together with YOU! That's ridiculous.

 

It's seems as though he's getting his jaunts off to the side while trying to remain with you. I am sorry, but getting trashed and then kissing someone and sleeping in their bed is NO excuse for those actions. Alcohol gives us the guts to do what we don't have the guts to do sober.

 

Seriously think this over. I have a feeling it will be a lingering problem in your relationship...

[Moon8stars]

He would be flying to the curb.. sorry

[cdn]

Well, I found out that during the week that he hadn't seen me, they slept together.

 

I'll also mention that during their 3 month relationship, they never slept together.

 

How old are you? He?

 

I am having difficulty with the idea that first your bf kissed someone on NYE and then, during the week that he was on probation for that offense, so to speak, he decided to sleep with his ex.

 

Personally, I would have a hard time trusting this guy. But assuming you want to give him yet another chance, I'd say that he must at least sever all contact with his ex. Whatever maturity you initially ascribed to his ability to be this woman's friend is clearly not in evidence. And apparently, her motives are not for friendship either. If he can't or won't give her up, then I wouldn't hesitate to show him the door.

[UrbanAngel]

Thanks so much for the replies. I've been struggling with this for a while, and it still remains a big thorn in my side.

 

cdn: I'm 20, he's 22. He's never had a long relationship before. Prior to this, his longest relationship was the previously aforementioned 3 month one. It's hard for him to sever all ties with his ex, as his roommates are good friends with her, so she will often be at their house when she comes home from school, and calls their house to chat with them (and him, I'm sure).

 

This situation is compounded by the fact that I honestly feel more strongly for this guy than I ever have wih anyone. I feel extremely resentful of the fact that he allowed my feelings to continue and grow so much before he told me this, if he had told me right after the fact I never would have gotten back together with him.

 

Also, despite the maddening cliche of this, he DOES seem to have changed. He has a totally different attitude towards me and the relationship, which started becoming evident after the 4-5th month. He has started expressing thoughts of marriage (silly, I think, given our ages), and genuinely thrown himself fully into the relationship. I just don't know if I can get over this, though. It is, indeed, a cold hard slap in the face.

 

What a sad, confusing mess. Thanks for the support everyone.