I can't stop crying...

[Els]

We had an argument. Not a very big one, or so I thought. I called him on something that he did that I found annoying, and I probably didn't do it in the best or most communicative way possible. He refused to admit that he was doing anything wrong so it escalated until he finally went off on a tangent and said 'Fine! I'm a bad person (I never said that), I'm totally evil (I never said that either), I'll NEVER do that AGAIN, etc'. The typical stupid argument. 'Why is it that every ****ing woman in my life just keeps going at me?!' (His mother and ex left him with a good amount of baggage. To be fair to me though, I seldom nag him, today I just couldn't control myself).

 

But then Skype was cut off halfway. He went offline from all his other online applications as well. His internet has been going through a rough patch so I didn't think much of it and just waited for him to get back on.

 

But he didn't. After 20 minutes or so I called him on his phone. No answer. He usually keeps his phone on silent because he's had a bad experience of almost being failed when the phone rang at a time when all phones were supposed to be off and he forgot to turn his off. I began to panic and called several more times. Ditto.

 

I figured he'd probably just not managed to reconnect, was too annoyed to want to call me to tell me about it, and fallen asleep (because it was really late on his side). When he sleeps nothing can wake him anyway, not even his alarm sometimes. I tried to force myself to stop crying and just call him later when he usually gets up for the ward rounds.

 

It's 9.30am where he is now. He usually wakes up at 7am. I've been calling him at intervals from then til now. Of course there are possibilities for this too -- maybe he wasn't scheduled early today so he's sleeping in. Maybe he woke up late and was in a rush so he didn't check his phone.

 

But now his phone is off. It COULD be having network problems (also not unusual), or he could be doing an impromptu examination and had to switch it off. BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF ALL OF IT HAPPENING?

 

I really don't think he's bailing on me. God, I hope not. The mere thought of it nearly sends me puking. It's not just because of all the things we shared, all the things we planned, the typical stuff that everyone says. It's not just TALK, he sacrificed too much for us to give up over something so small. 5000 dollars is a lot of money for a student. Signing up to do his internship in a country like mine at the expense of an impressive CV is no small sacrifice.

 

But this chain of events just has me in a state of total panic. I don't quite know what to think. I was totally sick of the empty sound of the ringing phone when I was calling him earlier. But now I even wish I could hear that and have hope that he'd pick up instead of the voicemail message.

 

This is no fling. We've been together for 1.5+ years, have spent wondrous times together IRL, have both sacrificed immensely to make it work out despite our horrible circumstances. When I think of it in that way, especially in the context of how silly the argument was really, it just doesn't sound plausible that he could be doing this on purpose. But like I said, what are the odds???

[alphamale]

you should relax and take some deep breaths....he'll be in contact soon enough

[Els]

I do hope so.

 

To clarify, it's not the lack of contact that's killing me. It's the worry because it happened at such a bad time -- so I don't know whether it's just coincidence or he really...well.. yeah.

[aerogurl87]

Relax and breathe, try to busy yourself with something else and take your mind off worrying about him. Also DO NOT CALL HIM ANYMORE! Let him call you when he wants to and go on with your life. If he breaks up with you over this, then you don't need a loser like him anyway.

[Els]

The multiple times was because when the phone's on silent it does sometimes take many rings before the person will notice it vibrating in the pocket or on the table.

 

But you're right about trying to take my mind off him. I only wish I could. It's 6am where I am. Taking my mind off it when I was waiting for him to wake up was easy, I just played online games with my friends. Now I have to sleep.. and that isn't so easy. My mind just races.

 

Thanks for your support.

[AnnPod]

Cry as long as you have to, and relax. He's gonna contact you anyway.

 

Time difference, bad internet connection, I hear you.

[Enema]

"You have 7 missed calls from Elswyth"

 

*groan* I don't wanna deal with this hypersensitive woman anymore....

[Cora]

Oh Elswyth, he will be in contact with you soon. I'm sure of it! You two have been through so much for him just to not contact you over something as trivial as this. I am thinking about you though and hoping he contacts you sooner rather than later!

[Lucky_One]

You had a fight. He's a seriously busy man. He doesn't want to talk to you right now because he is angry and hurt.

 

Give him a break. He's going to think you are a loony-tune with all those missed calls, and that is probably why he just cut it OFF so that he just knows that it was 9 missed calls and not 17.

 

He's not going to break up over one fight.

 

And if he does, then it's not because of this one argument - it will be because of issues with the entire relationship. And if he does break up because of the entire relationship, then your talking to him in the next 15 minutes (or 2 hours, or 14 hours) isn't going to change his mind.

[Els]

Thanks, guys.

 

I really don't think it would be okay if he'd done it on purpose though. Would you guys really think it alright if your partner just gave you the silent treatment and cut you off after an argument on purpose? If he doesn't inform you, doesn't say 'Look, I don't want to talk about this, I'm gonna go to sleep'? Also, I'd made it obvious that I wasn't calling to chew him off, I'd sent a message that I was worried about him and please message me back to let me know that he was alright. He has depression issues so I am seriously worried about him as well as about us.

 

As it stands there's still a chance that he really was busy, of course. I'll definitely wait to see what he has to say first. If he does say anything. Okay, I need to tell my mind to stop going down that path...

 

p.s. I guess I should add that we almost always talk when he gets up, if I'm still awake then. He usually gets up early so he doesn't have to wait long for a bathroom, and we spend the excess time talking. So it wouldn't be abnormal for me to contact him at that time. I do agree that the panicked calling was excessive though.

[Island Girl]

Hi Elswyth

 

In 6 years I have had a handful of these times. Times where we have really gotten into it, circumstances have been the worst scenario, and all seems lost. And it never has been truly lost. It just seems that way at the time.

 

As others have said he isn't going to just break it off because of a fight. He has invested a lot in you and your relationship. He knows what you have.

Whatever is going on with the phone, etc. just try to believe in the two of you and what you have made it through for the last year and a half.

And you just had that wonderful visit not too long ago.

 

All is not lost. Just have faith for right now and believe in how much you love each other.

Breathe, just breathe, and try to relax.

 

I hope the two of you can clear this up soon.

 

 

{{{{{Elswyth}}}}}

[Spirit of the Ocean]

Oh Elswyth, this has happened to me too. I know how you feel cos I HATE going to to bed without making up after a fight especially - especially in an LDR - makes it seem to much worse!

 

I've had moments when I havent been able to get through to my SO and it is the most frustrating thing in the world!! I don't think you should call him again, he would have all those missed called plus the message so when he sees them he'll know to call you back cos you were so worred.

 

Just try not to think of the worst case scenario! Like you yourself said, you've been together for 1 and a half years so you're not going to break up just cos you had a fight. Also, you did say he has been having internet issues and he puts his phone on silent. maybe his battery just died?

 

Having said all this, I used to worry too, but like everyone said, have faith in your relationship! You know he's just not going to disappear like that. I'm sure you'll hear from him very soon. Take care!

[Katherineos123]

Is he usually a stubborn man like this or is this behavior out of character?

[Els]

I'm really grateful for all the comforting thoughts and heartfelt advice. I'd never thought that I'd have so many people supporting me through this time, especially since my RL friends don't really believe in LDR so I can't talk to them about it. Thank you.

 

On to the update.. no news from him. He did tell me yesterday (before the fight) that he might have to stay for on-call tonight, which means that he'd only be back at 11pm his time (1.5 hours from now). So he might still be out. Still... I really find it inconceivable that someone could go 10 hours without ever checking his phone once? He would have had lunch break and a few other breaks in between classes. All he would need to do was send me a message saying 'I'm okay, I'll call you when I get back' or SOMETHING, and everything would be okay. But he hasn't. I don't think his phone is out of battery, I called him (only once) when I woke up an hour ago and it was ringing.

 

Just to get my mind off the other possibility, what do you guys think I should say to him when he finally calls me back? I definitely don't plan on chewing him out, especially if he's been at the hospital for 16 straight hours. But I do plan to let him know that I was extremely worried and literally went through hell the past 20+ hours, and please keep me informed next time.

 

Edit: Katherine, yes, this behaviour in particular is uncharacteristic. He has always called back if we disconnect during an argument, or at least picked up the phone. He DOES have a stubborn streak though, as do I, which leads to the arguments in the first place. He also does have a habit of not checking his phone regularly (even when he's free and at home!) but I'd never really found reason to call him on it because he usually leaves his Skype on 24/7 anyway.

[Els]

He finally called me.

 

My emotions are too raw and I'm too exhausted to explain everything that happened in detail, but basically he was too frustrated and hurt about what I said (he took the argument a lot more seriously than I did) that he just decided he was going to take some time off. So he did; he didn't even read my messages; he didn't even tell me that he was going to take time off and he'd be back when he was okay. In his own words, 'When this happens, I call the person back only when I manage to settle down. Not when he/she has.'

 

We did reach a compromise after talking for a while (he would actually TELL me if an argument was affecting him so badly so I can catch myself and stop, instead of just shutting me out for 24 hours), but the lingering hurt still is there. I can't believe he'd intentionally make me go through this much pain (although he says he too hasn't eaten since then). I feel like some integral piece of trust has been broken -- trust that he's here to stick with me through trivialities and circumstances. He promised that he would never actually break up with me over an argument and that in the future he wouldn't do this again as long as I kept my promise to stop when he wanted to.

 

But... I dunno. What I do know is that this distance is killing us. None of this would have happened if he had actually been here. I would have been able to read his face and his actions and stop in time; and even if he hadn't wanted to talk to me for a while I would not have thought that he was dead or he wanted to leave me as long as he was sticking around.

 

And what I do know is that he isn't as resilient towards harsh circumstances or as 'okay' with it as I thought.

 

Yet there's just so much good in him. In both of us. When I read posts about how people are having such a hard time just finding a decent guy who's compatible, I just know that he's for keeps, despite his flaws and faults, which everyone has. And I personally never believed in the 'many fish in the sea' adage. Neither does he.

 

Still, I just feel numb towards him now. I look at him through the cam and I don't feel that surge of attraction that I felt before. This is the first time in 1.5 years that this whole thing has happened. I'm terrified that at every little disagreement he's just gonna take off and answer me only when he pleases, even though he's said that he'll inform me that he doesn't feel like talking and he'll call me when he does.

 

I'm not sure whether this signals the beginning of the end or whether it's just a rocky bump that we have to work through. I sure hope it's the latter.

[Bearandsue]

He finally called me.

 

My emotions are too raw and I'm too exhausted to explain everything that happened in detail, but basically he was too frustrated and hurt about what I said (he took the argument a lot more seriously than I did) that he just decided he was going to take some time off. So he did; he didn't even read my messages; he didn't even tell me that he was going to take time off and he'd be back when he was okay. In his own words, 'When this happens, I call the person back only when I manage to settle down. Not when he/she has.'

 

We did reach a compromise after talking for a while (he would actually TELL me if an argument was affecting him so badly so I can catch myself and stop, instead of just shutting me out for 24 hours), but the lingering hurt still is there. I can't believe he'd intentionally make me go through this much pain (although he says he too hasn't eaten since then). I feel like some integral piece of trust has been broken -- trust that he's here to stick with me through trivialities and circumstances. He promised that he would never actually break up with me over an argument and that in the future he wouldn't do this again as long as I kept my promise to stop when he wanted to.

 

But... I dunno. What I do know is that this distance is killing us. None of this would have happened if he had actually been here. I would have been able to read his face and his actions and stop in time; and even if he hadn't wanted to talk to me for a while I would not have thought that he was dead or he wanted to leave me as long as he was sticking around.

 

And what I do know is that he isn't as resilient towards harsh circumstances or as 'okay' with it as I thought.

 

Yet there's just so much good in him. In both of us. When I read posts about how people are having such a hard time just finding a decent guy who's compatible, I just know that he's for keeps, despite his flaws and faults, which everyone has. And I personally never believed in the 'many fish in the sea' adage. Neither does he.

 

Still, I just feel numb towards him now. I look at him through the cam and I don't feel that surge of attraction that I felt before. This is the first time in 1.5 years that this whole thing has happened. I'm terrified that at every little disagreement he's just gonna take off and answer me only when he pleases, even though he's said that he'll inform me that he doesn't feel like talking and he'll call me when he does.

 

I'm not sure whether this signals the beginning of the end or whether it's just a rocky bump that we have to work through. I sure hope it's the latter.

 

 

Bahh you are just angry and feeling hurt about what happened. This will pass. He will say or do something sweet and you will be head over heels again.

 

When my Bear gets mad or we have an argument he just says "I'm done talking about this." And he just shuts down and there is no point talking about whatever we were arguing about. Then later when tempers cool we talk about it rationally. He hates arguing!

 

Maybe he was having a particularly bad day and you just added to it. People deal with situations differently. Do not hold it against him.

 

 

Hope it all works out!

[Katherineos123]

I dont see this as the beginning of the end at all... You are still upset, and it may take a few days for you both to get back into the swing of things because you both were a jarred by this obviously, give it some time.

 

People react to stressors differently. Now, I obviously didnt hear the argument, nor was I there... But from what you wrote, it seems as if he believed you overreacted and kind of chewed him out... initiating him to overreact and shut down... You both overreacted... You just have different ways of doing it.

 

But Im really glad you guys worked this out, hopefully this will become a learning expirience for bothof you to better know where each other's tipping point is... so that this doesnt happen again.

[Els]

Very good advice!

 

He did try to talk to me normally afterwards. Asking me if I'd eaten, telling me to eat before the shop closes, showing me some nifty chess moves and all that. I could literally see the effort that he took to come up with such normal-sounding sentences, heh. I did try to reciprocate... but I just couldn't sound as happy as usual. In the back of my mind was still that fear. It was on the tip of my tongue to get him to promise me all over again, just to hear him say it... fortunately I realized that that probably wouldn't be the smartest thing to do, since he'd already said it before.

[aerogurl87]

Bahh you are just angry and feeling hurt about what happened. This will pass. He will say or do something sweet and you will be head over heels again.

 

When my Bear gets mad or we have an argument he just says "I'm done talking about this." And he just shuts down and there is no point talking about whatever we were arguing about. Then later when tempers cool we talk about it rationally. He hates arguing!

 

Maybe he was having a particularly bad day and you just added to it. People deal with situations differently. Do not hold it against him.

 

 

Hope it all works out!

 

I agree with Bearandsue, when my boyfriend and I get into disagreements we have two entirely different methods of handling them. I'm the type of person who believes in not going to sleep mad at the one you love, and he's more of a "I want to sleep on it" person. Granted I don't like that because it means I have to wait to confront the situation, but it works out for us in the end. We're able to rationally talk to each other without me getting super over emotional and him still being upset. So yeah just realize that you two have two different methods of handling disagreements. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, it just means you two are different in that one aspect of communication. Also I'm glad you were able to come to a compromise.

 

But like Bearandsue said, he'll do something really sweet in a few days (if not today) and you'll be all gaga over him again. It happens, happened to me and my boyfriend. At first I was pissed off at him because I felt like he was disregarding me and my feelings by telling me he needed to sleep on everything. But then I realized that it was just what he did to diffuse a situation. So just think of this as a lesson in getting to know your partner a little better for the future.

[Cora]

Elswyth I'm so happy you finally heard from him and worked things out! I've been thinking about you. Try not to worry. It sounds like you have yourself a really good guy! Things will be fine. This was just a snag in the rug.

[Els]

Thanks, guys. I really don't think I would've made it through without you.

 

He did try to be sweet and all before he went to bed.. but why can't I seem to forgive? I keep getting flashbacks of the fear, pain, and panic I felt the past 24 hours and it just shakes me up so much... and then I think, 'He could have put an end to that so easily by just telling me what was going on. Why didn't he?'. Granted I was wrong as well, but I had no idea that he was taking it so badly, truly. He on the other hand, had had so many hours to watch the phone ring and to know how much I was hurting.

 

That's what just keeps going on and on in my head. How do I forgive??? We had a good long talk and hashed out the compromise and all but I just can't seem to get OVER it, especially when those flashbacks happen.

[Island Girl]

Thanks, guys. I really don't think I would've made it through without you.

 

He did try to be sweet and all before he went to bed.. but why can't I seem to forgive? I keep getting flashbacks of the fear, pain, and panic I felt the past 24 hours and it just shakes me up so much... and then I think, 'He could have put an end to that so easily by just telling me what was going on. Why didn't he?'. Granted I was wrong as well, but I had no idea that he was taking it so badly, truly. He on the other hand, had had so many hours to watch the phone ring and to know how much I was hurting.

 

That's what just keeps going on and on in my head. How do I forgive??? We had a good long talk and hashed out the compromise and all but I just can't seem to get OVER it, especially when those flashbacks happen.

 

Time DOES heal all wounds.

 

The weird thing is once you make it through this your relationship will be stronger than ever.

 

But the wounds are fresh right now.

 

Let yourself be upset and work it out in your head. When you are as upset as you are just imagine he was upset too - and possibly at a whole different level than you were.

 

When you can speak about it without getting really upset you should talk to him about how you viewed him not reaching out. Perhaps get a plan in place that he MUST send some kind of message to you.

Because the worry is the worst thing.

 

I am glad you are moving through this together. You will see the other side and it will not take very long.

[Els]

Oh, IG, I only wish I could get myself to stop thinking this way and instead think of how he could be feeling. But whenever I do that I just keep thinking that it's not the SAME. My offending actions were only a few minutes and not really intentional; his was 24 hours and completely deliberate. I'm not sure; am I over-dramatizing it? Maybe what he did really is something that most people do sometimes and I should just learn how to stop fussing over it?

 

I'm very wary about discussing it again in the future. The entire argument WAS about me bringing up something and pressing it again when we'd already sorta argued over it before. He thought it was resolved and I did not; and I made the mistake of bringing it up again in an offensive way. Still, I'm not sure whether it was the MANNER or the fact that I was dragging on something that he thought was over, that got his goat so badly. I'm afraid it'll happen again if I bring this matter up again when we'd already had an hour-long frustrating and tear-filled talk about it today.

 

Edit: We did make a plan.. He promised to try not to do this again and to give me fair warning in the future. I promised to try to bring things up in a nice manner and to stop when he warns me. So in his eyes, it's all over and resolved. It SHOULD be. It's just that I still shudder whenever I think about what he did, and then feelings of anger, hurt and mistrust follow that. I'm not sure how I could deal with those without bringing them up to him ad nauseum; which I'm sure he REALLY won't appreciate since I'd already brought them up ad nauseum during our talk, to which he responded that he was also suffering during the 24 hours. But that was entirely his choice and not mine, I would gladly have cut that short as well! Argh. Sorry, just getting it out of my head.

[hoping2heal]

Oh, IG, I only wish I could get myself to stop thinking this way and instead think of how he could be feeling. But whenever I do that I just keep thinking that it's not the SAME. My offending actions were only a few minutes and not really intentional

 

No, to YOU they were only a few minutes and not really intentional. To HIM they lasted just as long as it took for him to finally speak to you; if it had been the case that it only offended him a few minutes he would never of needed all that time to cool off and settle from the hurt he felt.

 

 

;

his was 24 hours and completely deliberate.

 

Not necesarily, he might of pulled away because that's how he reacts when he's feeling the exact way you are now. It doesn't mean he decided" I'm going to put her through hell and make her worry." It means he was blinded by the hurt he felt and it shut him down inside for a bit, the same way what his actions have made you feel right now.

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure; am I over-dramatizing it? Maybe what he did really is something that most people do sometimes and I should just learn how to stop fussing over it?

 

I think since you agreed to compromise on how he handles this in the future; you should think of that as a positive. There's not much you can do about the hurt it caused you, but try and see it from more than one perspective. The reason it is so hurtful is actually because you're NOT seeing it from his side. You're taking this hard because you believe you were intentionally hurt badly by him.

 

I'm very wary about discussing it again in the future. The entire argument WAS about me bringing up something and pressing it again when we'd already sorta argued over it before. He thought it was resolved and I did not; and I made the mistake of bringing it up again in an offensive way.

 

Why did he think it was resolved when you didn't?

 

 

 

Still, I'm not sure whether it was the MANNER or the fact that I was dragging on something that he thought was over, that got his goat so badly. I'm afraid it'll happen again if I bring this matter up again when we'd already had an hour-long frustrating and tear-filled talk about it today.

 

You're going to have to work on this, the two of you. The LAST thing a relationship needs is to have it's partner's afraid of communicating to eachother. It's important you communicate honestly so you will know how to meet eachother's needs in the relationship.

 

Edit: We did make a plan.. He promised to try not to do this again and to give me fair warning in the future. I promised to try to bring things up in a nice manner and to stop when he warns me. So in his eyes, it's all over and resolved. It SHOULD be. It's just that I still shudder whenever I think about what he did, and then feelings of anger, hurt and mistrust follow that. I'm not sure how I could deal with those without bringing them up to him ad nauseum; which I'm sure he REALLY won't appreciate since I'd already brought them up ad nauseum during our talk, to which he responded that he was also suffering during the 24 hours. But that was entirely his choice and not mine, I would gladly have cut that short as well! Argh. Sorry, just getting it out of my head.

 

Off Topic but, I'd read in your other post that the long distance is killing you. Did you mean it's hurting the relationship, or it's hurting the people? IF you meant it's hurting the relationship; I beg to differ. I know I will sound a little crazy but just hear me out. LDR's are difficult, but there are people who have managed to have successful, blissful love relationships and/or marriages while needing to be LDR.

 

They aren't successful because they are in an LDR; they are successful because they have figured out a way to communicate and meet eachother's needs, and provide eachother with security REGARDLESS of being in an LDR. Just as, your relationship isn't suffering because it's in an LDR. There's something else suffering that probably has to do with meeting eachother's needs in the relationship (which also breeds security) and if you can't figure out how to work that out in LDR, don't be too quick to think you would have done it in person either.

[Els]

No, to YOU they were only a few minutes and not really intentional. To HIM they lasted just as long as it took for him to finally speak to you; if it had been the case that it only offended him a few minutes he would never of needed all that time to cool off and settle from the hurt he felt.

 

That's true, I never thought of it that way. I still do think it is easier to have your temper spike for a few minutes and lash out before you can stop yourself; than it is to deliberately ignore all of someone's calls and messages for 24 hours though. And there were many calls.

 

Not necesarily, he might of pulled away because that's how he reacts when he's feeling the exact way you are now. It doesn't mean he decided" I'm going to put her through hell and make her worry." It means he was blinded by the hurt he felt and it shut him down inside for a bit, the same way what his actions have made you feel right now.

 

I agree, definitely. He certainly wasn't doing it out of spite or malice. But it IS a deliberate action to choose to ignore the phone each time it rings, and to choose not to read the messages that I sent apologizing and telling him I was worried about him.

 

Why did he think it was resolved when you didn't?

 

Because he was mumbling and falling asleep so I decided not to press it further at that time and wished him good night. Two days later something happened to bring it to my mind again though.

 

You're going to have to work on this, the two of you. The LAST thing a relationship needs is to have it's partner's afraid of communicating to eachother. It's important you communicate honestly so you will know how to meet eachother's needs in the relationship.

 

That's what I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do after this.

 

Just to clarify, I just think he's a great guy and all that. But this disappearing act thing is probably on the top of my list of 'Things I Do Not Want My Partner to Do in a Relationship'. It definitely tops yelling at me, watching porn, hanging out with female friends.. all those things that other people say bother them the most. In fact I would ALMOST rather he have a ONS with a random girl at a bar than do this to me... he'd never do that though so this would be a pretty biased example.

 

All of the guys I've been with, I told them this, and they have never done it to me before. As he is more dedicated, more compatible with me, more understanding, and in general just a better partner by FAR (I'm trying not to compare here but I need to illustrate my point), I thought that I would not need to tell him this. I didn't think he was capable of doing such a thing to me... and I thought wrong. I suppose I should have mentioned it earlier.

 

Edit: Just read your last part, sorry. I agree with what you said there for the most part. But I do think that it's quite possible for external circumstances to 'kill' a relationship. LDRs do not insert issues that were never there to begin with, but they do exacerbate them. Without the exacerbation, those issues might be a lot more bearable.

 

With my ex, when we were together in real life (for a year or so) everything was fine for the most part, but as soon as it went LD everything went haywire. Not because we didn't believe in LDRs or didn't try, but because we weren't able to survive the distance. We didn't decide to give up because of distance, but it WAS the root cause of most of our quarrels (I come back late, we have an hour together but he spends it gaming, etc), and the quarrels just got so frequent that we spiralled down into destruction. Had we been together IRL all the time, it might not have come to that... or at least not so quickly.

 

Thank you for pointing out many things though. I didn't see a lot of them initially, especially the part about it seeming like longer to him.