I can't stop crying...

[Els]

Update: Managed to talk to him for a while as usual before he left for the hospital. Decided against saying anything about my pent-up feelings because we only had a few minutes and we wouldn't have been able to have a proper talk anyway.

 

It was then that I realized, I actually can feel happy again when he talks to me, smile genuinely when he cracks a joke, I can notice his endearing qualities again. It's just when I'm by myself and brooding over the events of the past that I feel those hurtful and angry emotions. So I guess it'll be okay.

 

However, I still WAS wondering in the back of my mind about whether or not I should talk to him about how I'm unable to repress those feelings, tomorrow. And about how I'd almost rather he have a ONS with a random girl in a bar (just an example) than do this to me again -- it's that bad, for me. Heh.

[hoping2heal]

That's true, I never thought of it that way. I still do think it is easier to have your temper spike for a few minutes and lash out before you can stop yourself; than it is to deliberately ignore all of someone's calls and messages for 24 hours though. And there were many calls.

 

Yes, there were many calls. Yes YOU think it's easier to lash out for a few minutes. Again, we're back to what YOU think. If he thought like you to begin with, you two wouldn't even of had this predicament. He doesn't think and process the same way you do.

 

 

I agree, definitely. He certainly wasn't doing it out of spite or malice. But it IS a deliberate action to choose to ignore the phone each time it rings, and to choose not to read the messages that I sent apologizing and telling him I was worried about him.

 

It's no more of a deliberate or not delirebate action to do those things, than it is for you to feel slightly shut down from him and unable to really act "normal" with him earlier on because you were hurt.

 

 

 

Because he was mumbling and falling asleep so I decided not to press it further at that time and wished him good night. Two days later something happened to bring it to my mind again though.

 

Here's a tip I learnt from experience. Know when to hold it and know when to disclose it. Just because a partner says "yes we can talk, yes I will listen." Doesn't mean it's a good time to talk about things like this with them. If they are tired, worn out from their day etc, they will try their best to listen because they CARE about you, but they may not be able to recieve information.

 

 

 

 

 

Just to clarify, I just think he's a great guy and all that. But this disappearing act thing is probably on the top of my list of 'Things I Do Not Want My Partner to Do in a Relationship'. It definitely tops yelling at me, watching porn, hanging out with female friends.. all those things that other people say bother them the most. In fact I would ALMOST rather he have a ONS with a random girl at a bar than do this to me... he'd never do that though so this would be a pretty biased example.

 

Okay, and does HE know this is exactly how you feel?

 

]All of the guys I've been with, I told them this, and they have never done it to me before. As he is more dedicated, more compatible with me, more understanding, and in general just a better partner by FAR (I'm trying not to compare here but I need to illustrate my point), I thought that I would not need to tell him this.

 

Why did you think that just because he's a caring and great partner, that you don't need to communicate your needs and what is important to you? Being a great and caring guy doesn't mean you're psychic. It might be a romantic notion to have a partner who just "knows" what you want and need, but it's hardly realistic. FWIW - you need to take some of the responsibility for him doing something that is a BIG no no to you; because you never expressed to him how you felt about it.

 

 

 

 

I didn't think he was capable of doing such a thing to me... and I thought wrong. I suppose I should have mentioned it earlier.

 

You should have mentioned, and don't forget that now that you've been hurt you have also withdrawn a bit and are having a hard time with your feelings for him temporarily. You say that you know he didn't do it to be malicious but do you? You keep mentioning how he intentionally DID this to you. If this is just how he reacts to this type of hurt and he doesn't know you're expecting or needing anything different, what was he supposed to do different?

 

Edit: Just read your last part, sorry. I agree with what you said there for the most part. But I do think that it's quite possible for external circumstances to 'kill' a relationship. LDRs do not insert issues that were never there to begin with, but they do exacerbate them. Without the exacerbation, those issues might be a lot more bearable.

 

Sure, but a lot of external sources in a close proximity relationship can exacerbate a situation too, you have to be able to communicate with a partner so you can meet eachother's needs, it's a MUST. It also is what helps deepen security and intimacy. Being geographically close to someone won't make you a better communicator any more so than being in an LDR.

 

With my ex, when we were together in real life (for a year or so) everything was fine for the most part, but as soon as it went LD everything went haywire. Not because we didn't believe in LDRs or didn't try, but because we weren't able to survive the distance.

 

Ok.

 

 

 

We didn't decide to give up because of distance, but it WAS the root cause of most of our quarrels (I come back late, we have an hour together but he spends it gaming, etc),

 

That isn't because of the distance though. He should of made you more of a priority, he did not. He chose to game, that is not a distance issue; that is a HIM issue. If he felt he didn't need to be more attentive to you just because of distance then again; that is a HIM issue.

 

 

 

and the quarrels just got so frequent that we spiralled down into destruction. Had we been together IRL all the time, it might not have come to that... or at least not so quickly.

 

He stopped being attentive to your needs because you were out of sight. That's a problem, but it isn't distance. Once again it's all a back to a HIM issue.

[Island Girl]

Hi Elswyth

 

Under these circumstances I would not talk to him about it. I would not have a conversation.

 

The way you stew and hurt over things is something he needs to understand. It is how you process right now. Sure that could at some point be modified through effort but right now it is just how you are.

 

This time alone when you are stewing - this is the time I would write to him. I would write what is in my head. Just thoughts as they happen and send it to him.

BUT -- keep everything about YOU.

How you feel, what you think, your reactions, etc.

Don't talk about him and get accusatory. Just say exactly what you did here - that you don't understand how he could shut down from you for that long.

Explain the hurt. And it wouldn't hurt to apologize for bringing that other subject up in an offensive way as a lead in. (Why did you approach that subject that way?)

 

I think you are still stewing because you do not feel heard or validated and that your reaction may be that you feel that he doesn't really get it and it could happen again.

 

Over the years it has really helped my husband to know how my brain works, how I react to certain things, and what I see in his actions.

 

It may help you guys as well to get on the same page with how each of you operate when you get upset and hurt.

[Els]

IG, why write and not speak? I understand that you wrote letters to your husband, but I thought that was because you were unable to speak on the phone. Wouldn't real-time voice be a better medium than words if it's possible, since words can be more easily misinterpreted?

 

Yes, I totally agree that I should not accuse him anymore. That was entirely my bad in the first place.

 

I did apologize several times while we were talking yesterday. He did not, however; he felt his actions were justified. That's part of what bothers me, even though we did reach a compromise.

 

IG, your reason for why I'm still stewing is partially correct. The other part though is that I always thought actions like this were out-of-bounds if you truly love a person; pretty much in the same place with saying you want to break up, or threatening the person with causing harm to yourself; or making digs at painful elements of the past or their parents... you get the drift. As H2H says, I know I should not have assumed and I should have told him this. But I still haven't, as of yet.

 

Edit: Argh, the connection to this site was screwing so much I finally got myself a proxy to access it with. H2H, your responses are really helping me to see his point of view so far. But I really must disagree with the fact that he could not have known what I needed or expected if I did not tell him. Even if he did not know at first, the utter desperation of my calls MUST have made it evident how badly it was affecting me and how much I needed him to message or call back. I truly thought that something bad had happened to him or that he had given up because I just could not fathom that it was possible for someone to do that to a person if he still loved her; and thus I literally went berserk and did not restrain myself with the calls.

 

In our entire 1.5 years together I have never, ever miscalled him more than 2 times consecutively. I am not the sort of girl who calls 10+ times whenever her man fails to pick up. I almost never call when he's at the hospital. How then can he see the countless (I'm talking about 20-30+) calls through the night, right through to the times when I'm supposed to be sleeping hours ago, and not KNOW what I needed or expected? He definitely knew. His reasons for ignoring me were not malice or spite, but he surely knew how much distress he was causing.

 

I'm saying mine was 'unintentional' and his 'intentional' in that sense -- I don't mean it any other way. I truly did NOT know how much distress I was causing. He sounded like his typical self right until the end of the argument where he burst out at me and then dropped the call before I could even respond. If I had been there in real life and saw his expression or body language I might have known -- but online there was no possible way I could know. He actually did say, later, that every argument does affect him badly but he doesn't respond this way til it's happened several times. What??? I thought that arguments were NORMAL in the course of a relationship, especially one that has been past its honeymoon phase and is faced by so many external circumstances and constraints. So that means that every time we have an argument, he was tempted to do this? And he was affected that badly but didn't tell me at all? That also disturbs me.

[hoping2heal]

H2H, your responses are really helping me to see his point of view so far. But I really must disagree with the fact that he could not have known what I needed or expected if I did not tell him. Even if he did not know at first, the utter desperation of my calls MUST have made it evident how badly it was affecting me and how much I needed him to message or call back.

 

Really? Honey he saw your calls, and I'm sure he knew you wanted to speak to him; but unfortunately seeing your name pop up was painful for him and he just wanted to be away from it. Does that mean he knows it's right there at the top of your list in what you DON'T want in a partner? That you would prefer all those other qualities you listed...ABOVE him doing what he did? You two got in a fight, you called several times. To him? Your behavior was just TYPICAL, what probably most people WOULD DO in your situation. Yes; I don't dispute the fact he had to of known you wanted to speak to him; that is entirely different from know why you CAN'T HAVE that kind of breakdown in a relationship, it's entirely different from knowing it's on your top list of things you DON'T want in a partner.

 

So again, it's back to you assuming your partner is a mind reader. Which doesn't help either one of you out.

[Els]

Really? Honey he saw your calls, and I'm sure he knew you wanted to speak to him; but unfortunately seeing your name pop up was painful for him and he just wanted to be away from it. Does that mean he knows it's right there at the top of your list in what you DON'T want in a partner? That you would prefer all those other qualities you listed...ABOVE him doing what he did? You two got in a fight, you called several times. To him? Your behavior was just TYPICAL, what probably most people WOULD DO in your situation. Yes; I don't dispute the fact he had to of known you wanted to speak to him; that is entirely different from know why you CAN'T HAVE that kind of breakdown in a relationship, it's entirely different from knowing it's on your top list of things you DON'T want in a partner.

 

Yes I agree. He didn't know the 'top list' thing, definitely. But he had to know at least that it was affecting me BADLY, because I've never called him like that before. Whereas I had no idea that I was even affecting him much, because he sounded the same as always until the end. That's the difference in 'intention' that I was talking about.

 

So again, it's back to you assuming your partner is a mind reader. Which doesn't help either one of you out.

 

Both of us make that mistake, yes. Not in the way you think though. Really. Trust me.

 

Anyway, for the update...

 

After calming down... I guess I should just let the compromise stand and move on. And force myself to trust that he will not break his word (because he hasn't about other things before), and try my best not to break mine. That would probably be the best resolution?