She's leaving

[joemarriage]

Today she told me she is moving back to her moms. Leaving me with the kids. I am distraught. Not sure what to do. I love her so much.

She finally broke down and told me the reasons.

I treated her horribly for years. I gave her guilt for working so much and never having time for me. She says i am selfish. It goes on...

I agree I did treat her bad for a couple of years. I was working a full time job and running my own business in the evenings and weekends. I got my business to where it needed to be and I quit my job and i have changed over the years but she says the damage is already done. She is not worried leaving the kids with me knowing that i take great care of them and have been since they were born. I really feel bad for them and her. I think the kids are going to feel that there mother left them, how do i explain to them?

For her I dont know what to do. She says she needs time to see if there is still something there. We have had the OM talk and she swears to me that there is not one and she is not looking for a new relationship, just a way for her to figure it out. She also has to move because she feels she is leading me on that there is something there. It sucks to be handed your balls like that I feel horrible but a little relieved that it is like this. I hope she gets what she needs and in time we can work things out. She still wants to have dinner as a family, on some nights and see if she can get romantically involved again with me.

We will continue to go to MC. I love my wife more than anything, i will do anything for her so i am just supporting her in this decision. In the end it just sucks. I want my wife/life back to normal.

[LisaUk]

S**t Joe, so you went on your weekend away and like Gunny said bomb drop on return. Don't you dare start beating yourself up over this, you can't really beleive that stuff you did nearly 2 years ago would be making her leave now, particularly as you said since then you chnaged the behaviour? That's BS.

[joemarriage]

we never went we wee supposed to leave tomorrow... She still wants me to go.. .WTF is up with that

[LisaUk]

S*d that! You go, take your kids, tell her to b****er off. She needs to FEEL what life will be like without you, that is the only way now. You have to show her if she walks like this you are done and not only that, but you are fine with it! (You aren't really, we know that, but she doesn't have to).

 

Also, I read on your other thread the MC said they were 100% convinced your w shold move out? No way man, that is highly unethical, no counsellor should EVER make a judgement and pass comment like that, they can ask questions and guide that is all. I know I have experience as a peer counsellor and a degree in Psychology. Did you check out their qualifications (my ex has been seeing a bogus counsellor I discovered recently), also did you check out how to choose an MC on the divorce busting website like I recommended?

[mark982]

lets see, she wants family dinner "some" nights,moves out,what woman leaves her kids? i smell a om. reason she wants dinner some night is to string you along until she see's if other relationship works out! oh,go get legal custody of the kids,not next week,do it tomorrow.

[joemarriage]

Lisa. Was looking for that site about mc. Can you give me the exact site not sure if I was looking at the right one. Could not find any info on how to find a good one. I/we agree that he may be kind of a kook, but we agreed that we will try him one more time.

Mark, honestly I 100% convinced that there is no OM. She is moving in with her mom who has a big enough home for two families, we were planning onoving in there for a few months after our home sold. She will actually have to pay me palimony because she makes way more than I do. I don't want it but gotta take it just because.

What really sucks we are great friends and we really don't fight. I really do think she need some time to herself to figure it out. That's what I'm going to give her. TIME.

[seibert253]

I'm sorry about all this Joe, but when a woman leaves, (abandons) her kids, and husband, it's usually only because of one thing, OM.

Yeah I know you say there's no way there's OM, but in order to be really 100percent sure, do your homework.

Hopefully you are right and I'm wrong, but don't be surprised if you find out something else is going on.

[MrMayI]

sorry joe. my wife told me the same things, and none of it has come to pass. family dinners, dates, all of that. nothing has happened but everything going downhill fast. go get that custody put in writing. i didn't at first, and am now having to go the route of having my wife served with a divorce because she seems to think i'll actually wait around with my dick in my hand for her to decide between me and her OM.

[MrMayI]

I'm sorry about all this Joe, but when a woman leaves, (abandons) her kids, and husband, it's usually only because of one thing, OM.

Yeah I know you say there's no way there's OM, but in order to be really 100percent sure, do your homework.

Hopefully you are right and I'm wrong, but don't be surprised if you find out something else is going on.

 

i tried to tell this guy right here he was wrong not two months ago, but oh boy was he ever right.

[hopesndreams]

I hope you're right Joe, and that there is not an OM. Do you have the proof that there isn't one? Besides her word on it? Pretty difficult to snoop now that she has left the house though. Did she leave any of her belongings behind? Do you have the funds to hire a PI? Women, especially, are quite good at hiding, they are more crafty.

 

Why is she leaving her kids to go live at moms HUGE house? I think it's quite cheeky of her to want to be romanced again as though she were single with her own husband. Fine if your under the same roof but c'mon, she's left ya. People who are unhappy, and that's all Joe, no OM in the picture, tend to stick around for a bit and try to work things out under the same roof. Were you blindsided by this action she has taken or has she been telling you for quite the while this might happen?

[joemarriage]

The reason she has to leave and leave me with the kids is that her work schedule is screwie. She works in a lab where she does clinical research and has to be to work between 2:00 am and 5:00 am. I make my own hours and work around the kids schedule. When school starts back up I will be dropping them off at school and she will be off in time to pick them up. It is how we have been doing things anyways.

Yes I should have seen the signs, I admit I was a bad husband for a couple of years and I know I could have done better. This the honest truth. Then on top of it I have a tendency to say things with out thinking. As I look back, yes I should have seen this coming, but I was too manly to see it.

I know you guys are thinking I'm an idiot at this point, I am sure I will realize I was at some point, but I am tryin to do my best to keep my spirit up. I have never felt this horrible.

[LisaUk]

Hi Joe

 

No one thinks you are an idiot. Like I said before, she is saying stuff that happened 2 years ago is making her leave BUT YOU RESOLVED THOSE ISSUES. Come on, it's BS excuse! DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

 

The marriage counsellor guidance on choosing one is in the Divorce Busting book, go to the libary get a copy, or just go to a bookstore like Boarders and read that bit. It mentions it on the webiste, the first chapter is available. The qualifications for counsellors vary from country to country, but you could start by finding out on the web what the necessary quals are and then checking out if your MC is qual. If not, there may be a professional body you can repot that remark to. I would have reported the one my ex saw if I could but unfortunately she isn't a member of the correct body! Hence bogus and currently there is no law in the UK to say you have to be qualified to call yourself a psychotherapist. Unbelivable.

 

I think what H&D was asking is were you aware that your relationship was on the rocks or did this whole thing come out the blue?

[semperdolens]

sorry... I posted something, but I don't think it was relevant...

[giotto]

I find it extraordinary that your wife never mentioned any unhappiness in the marriage? Did she ever talk to you? My wife was never great at communicating and I did a lot wrong because I acted on guessed assumptions. I thougt I was doing ok, although very unhappy myself. I never expected my wife blaming me for all the "ugliness" in our marriage... now she tells me she is depressed and that sometimes she gets bouts of depression despite being on AD... she never ever mentioned this to me before!

 

Is your wife depressed? She is leaving her kids! That or she is having an EA...

[LisaUk]

I find it extraordinary that your wife never mentioned any unhappiness in the marriage?

 

You and me both Giotto! Mine did this, never said he was unhappy, kept saying we would marry for 8 years, then all of a sudden AFTER he left "I've been unhappy for years" Really? You don't think I would have noticed? You mean when you were screwing me, cuddling me at night, coming up behind me putting your arms round me when we were out with friends even, telling me you loved me, coming over and tickling me play fighting, messing about, grabing me and kissing me, hugging me right up until bomb drop, having snowball fights with me two days before bomb drop, -all that time you were unhappy. Well yes, you looked so unhappy babe! LOL It's insane.

 

Sorry Joe, hijacked your thread there!

[joemarriage]

No problem Lisa...

I new she was unhappy, just not as bad as it was... I never thought we would get to this point. I have totally changed my attitude, before she said she was leaving. In my other post i explained how I realized it about a year ago and started changing, I have become a better husband/dad. As we talk more I realize how bad it was. I have become a better person and she acknowledges this, but she says the damage I had already done was done and now she needs to do this for herself so she can feel better about it. I feel she needs to do it too, i hope it helps her, I don't wish bad things on her, she is a great person and a very hard worker. She told me yesterday that she could have lived with it longer but would have hated herself for it. She also mentioned that she had thought about going on AD's.

Her mom's house is a good for her, except her mom is a little looney, but she flies for a major airline and is gone 3 days a week on her flights, usually the weekends, which is when she will have the children, I work in the wedding industry so besides planning I usually work the weekends.

[giotto]

You and me both Giotto! Mine did this, never said he was unhappy, kept saying we would marry for 8 years, then all of a sudden AFTER he left "I've been unhappy for years" Really? You don't think I would have noticed? You mean when you were screwing me, cuddling me at night, coming up behind me putting your arms round me when we were out with friends even, telling me you loved me, coming over and tickling me play fighting, messing about, grabing me and kissing me, hugging me right up until bomb drop, having snowball fights with me two days before bomb drop, -all that time you were unhappy. Well yes, you looked so unhappy babe! LOL It's insane.

 

Sorry Joe, hijacked your thread there!

 

I don't know... it's like living with someone with a split personality... and I'm a very straightforward guy! Really horrible! I never know what to expect... I live in fear all the time...

 

Joe, I would suggest you do your own research... your wife works shifts in a laboratory... there must be plenty of occasions for close contact with collegues... and I do feel for you about your schedule... my wife works shifts as well and my work has to be adjusted according to the children's... not easy!

 

well, whatever you decide, I wish you all the best!

[Alan430]

Hey Joe,

Wow, the things your wife said to me are exactly the things my wife said.

Guilt my friend, that is why she is saying dinner once a week. its for the kids. Joe its time to move on! In my case which has been close to 8 months now of her physically seperated, i still dont know about OM, but she is now 28 and wants to live like a 21 year old. Could this be part of it?

 

Look man i know exactly where you are, you have hope she is going to work it out, but the sad truth is that it will years and after you have moved on untill she can see what she has left.

 

Its Time to Man Up. Get ready for war! Here is some advice please heed it.

 

1. Do not believe what she tells you, says and does! She has tremendous guilt and doing things that make you feel better are her ways of releasing the guilt. Also when she blames you, listen to what she has to say and look at where you were wrong, but dont blame yourself for the collapse of the marriage, again putting the blame on you makes her feel less guilty.

 

2. Go see an Attorney ASAP.... (DO IT DO IT DO IT)

Do you make more money then she? Start thinking about custody alimony and child support. In most court cases if she left you for another man, then she wont get alimony, so maybe a PI would be the way to go. Who is going to get the kids? Sounds like you should due to the scheduling, but started communicating anything to do with kids scheduling etc, in writting.

 

3. Dont be surprised if there is not another man or at least an emotional affair going on. I know, i know you dont see that as a possibility.. Well think again.

 

4. Keep a journel of everything that happends everyday, who the kids are with etc.... You want documentation on everything and anything. Start keeping recipets and writting checks for documentation.

 

5. Keep in mind once a woman decides to do this it no longer is an emotional thing, but will become a buisness, so you must have the same attitude.

[Alan430]

No problem Lisa...

I new she was unhappy, just not as bad as it was... I never thought we would get to this point. I have totally changed my attitude, before she said she was leaving. In my other post i explained how I realized it about a year ago and started changing, I have become a better husband/dad. As we talk more I realize how bad it was. I have become a better person and she acknowledges this, but she says the damage I had already done was done and now she needs to do this for herself so she can feel better about it. I feel she needs to do it too, i hope it helps her, I don't wish bad things on her, she is a great person and a very hard worker. She told me yesterday that she could have lived with it longer but would have hated herself for it. She also mentioned that she had thought about going on AD's.

Her mom's house is a good for her, except her mom is a little looney, but she flies for a major airline and is gone 3 days a week on her flights, usually the weekends, which is when she will have the children, I work in the wedding industry so besides planning I usually work the weekends.

 

I missed this Joe... What exactly were you doing, and especially how were you a bad dad???

[joemarriage]

I don't know... it's like living with someone with a split personality... and I'm a very straightforward guy! Really horrible! I never know what to expect... I live in fear all the time...

 

I have done research, I have been monitoring email from my work computer, set her stuff up so it stays on the server till I check it at my office, then it gets deleted... I know the lab hours are crazy but as soon as she gets off (work) she has to get the kids from me. The company has removed over time and she is always right on schedule... She hangs out with two different people when she gets out of the house. One is a married girl friend of hers from high school and the other is a gay guy, we are all friends too.

I know the kids are #1 in her life as for mine too, which i think may be what pushed us apart... She comes from a divorced family where her dad cheated on her mom for years. He was an international sales guy with girls across the globe and her mom with the airlines has never remarried and is kind of, how do you say it, A-sexual... Now her dad has found "god" and wont speak to her for wanting to leave me and her mom wants her to do the same thing I want... move into her house and start going on dates with me, well the dating part i want not the moving, her mom doesn't want her to make a mistake she may regret. enough rambling for now, the sun is rising and i have been awake since midnight, I hate this insomnia crap... BTW... I have been free of smoking weed for 2 weeks, the longest i have been for about 20 years, probably why i cant sleep... PEACE

[giotto]

BTW... I have been free of smoking weed for 2 weeks, the longest i have been for about 20 years, probably why i cant sleep... PEACE

 

and was she ok with your weed habit? I should be last to preach because I have been know to indulge in a glass of wine or two myself when things were bad (so don't take it the wrong way), but are you sure that the weed hasn't affected your reasoning? I was always highly functioning and never allowed any substances to interfere with my family life, but you'll be surprised at how sneaky this stuff is (and you probably know it already)...

[joemarriage]

it has been a hard thing for her. When we first met even since we've been married she has indulged, not since kids though... I never smoked while any of the family was awake, but I know it bothered her. She knows I quit, it was easier than i thought. She also knows I come from a hippy family where it is accepted. Thanksgiving is a very happy day at my parents, LOL... I don't drink, never liked the affects.

[seibert253]

i tried to tell this guy right here he was wrong not two months ago, but oh boy was he ever right.

 

Every time Mr. I hope I'm wrong. Unfortuantly too many times I am right. I never want to see anyone travel down the road we have.

[MrMayI]

Every time Mr. I hope I'm wrong. Unfortuantly too many times I am right. I never want to see anyone travel down the road we have.

 

if i could give a medal to a quote, this would be it.

 

joe, i don't think anyone is saying she's having a physical affair. hell, i don't know that my wife is, BUT, all signs do not point to her just "needing space". that is always a cop out. it's just an indicator that something, or someone else is taking time away from you, and your children, and you're only in the way right now. i hope everyone's predictions are wrong, but at this point i'd consider myself a seasoned vet, and there's still a little hell in each day even for me.

 

i don't know about you, but i smoked weed from college up until last spring. my wife pointed out that it WAS a problem, and i stopped then and there. it had no bearing on our demise, but i know she didn't like me doing it anymore.

[soda]

I smell an OM here.

 

Dig deep. Find out what you can. To be honest, the evidence that I uncovered helped me demonstrate who was the fitter parent for raising the children. The affair itself wouldn't do it but if she's neglected the kids to feed her habit you might be able to use that.