Relationship impass

[homebrewer]

First post, and a bit of a loaded one, so here goes.

 

How do you deal with a true impass in a marriage?

Here's the specific situation. My wife and I have been married for 9 years now, and we have an 8 and 6 year old. About 5 years ago, we discussed more children, and decided that we would not be having any more. So she started pushing me for a vasectomy, and I was not terribly eager to do so. About 4 years ago, I finally agreed and had the procedure performed.

 

Within a few months, she started getting worked up about babies again, specifically a girl. Initially, I figured it was just a realization that the procedure was pretty final, but over the years it has gotten worse. It comes and goes, but we now are to the point that we have friends that we were once close with that we now do very little with as a couple because they have (you guessed it) a baby girl. She cries when we get near the baby section of department stores, she cries when a little girl is near us in a restaurant, etc.

 

A huge part of the problem also comes from the fact that I do not feel the same way. Rather, I am quite happy with our two boys, and enjoy that they are more independent, but also that they are very interactive and getting to a very fun age. Moreover, I feel very strongly that I do not want more children. The surgery sort of finalized the feelings that I have about it, and I have no desire to go back to the baby days.

 

The problem is that now, we have gotten to a very bad point in our marriage because of it. She blames me because I'm not giving her the baby. Never mind that reversals are very expensive, and have relatively low success rates, I don't want another. Our love life has dissipated, and we can't go a week without a fight over the issue.

 

Part of me feels horrible for it, but a bigger part of me feels anger and resentment that she has revoked a previous agreement and then blames me for her misery.

 

How do you deal with this type of impass?

 

Doing nothing will result in a miserable marriage and a life of arguments and drifting apart. Telling her to put on her big girl panties and deal with the decision we made may well result in my having to find another place to live. Having a child involves another surgery, and unhappiness on my part. I'm afraid I would even resent the child (even though it's not their fault), and I don't think I could let go of the bad feelings towards my wife.

 

Any input would be helpful, particularly from women, since that is a half of the population that I'm pretty sure I'll never understand.

[shouldaknown]

 

Any input would be helpful, particularly from women, since that is a half of the population that I'm pretty sure I'll never understand.

 

As a woman who decided at a very young age (22) to have a tubal liagation,(I have 2 girls) I many times wish I hadn't done it and sometimes get emotional. But the reasons I did it were good reasons. Young mom failed marriage, and not much luck with stable relationships since. So realistically I did the right thing, doesn't mean I don't wish I didn't.

 

Give your wife a bit more time to realize the gifts she already has (mine are now 14 & 16 and I am soooooooo glad I didn't have any more (due to circumstances)I know your sitation is different but once you decide to do such a drastic permanent procedure it is quite an ordeal to reverse it...might not hurt to mention that reversing is not something that would make you a happy husband

 

There pokes the head of that drastic communication thing

 

Just my 2 cents