recurring nightmares of losing my bf ;(

[Lovelymisa]

Hi everyone,

 

I've lived with the love of my life for 1.5 years and right now we are in a LDR relationship. We have passed 2 months apart I am back in California and he is in Spain so we have a 9 hour time difference. We always make time for one another despite of our busy schedules - I am taking classes in the university as well as working part time and he has a full time job ...we managed to still be able to webcam chat on skype every night for at least 1.5 hours (right before he goes to sleep which is in the afternoon for me) and right before I go to sleep he would call me from his office when he is at work to quickly wish me a good night and sweet dreams. He would email me at least twice a day and I'd email him just as much if not more. The only times we don't webcam chat would be if one day he goes out with his friends but he would always advises me first. It has been like that everday of the last 2 months that I've been back to CA.

 

Lately he's been only "replying" to my emails instead of emailing me on his own and it makes me a little anxious thinking maybe he's love me less or getting bored of our LDR. He still chats with me everyday and I still receive the good night phone calls but the emails have been alot less - His attitude hasn't change though, he is still super sweet to me. I did ask him about the emails and how he only replies now instead of initiating them and he told me that just because he doesn't email me as much , does not mean he doesn't love me or miss me. In fact he misses me more than I can imagine but he just gets tired of emailing - he prefers to only email me when he really need to tell me something - he is running out of things to say in the emails and how it takes him so long to try to write me one now that he gets tired of it- he prefers to webcam chat (talk) to me instead. I think it makes sense, sometimes I myself gets tired of emailing too where i would run out of things to say too so i just explain how much love i feel for him over and over and how he means the world to me. I think he doesn't want to repeat himself with telling me how much he loves me and would rather show me through actions.

 

So nothing seems to be wrong- by Feb 2010 I will be back in Spain and into his arms. Yet the last couple of nights I had these horrible dreams that I would lose him to someone else - and today is my day off so I took a nap and I had the same dream recurring. He has done nothing wrong to me so I don't know why I have these dreams - I think they are just my fears from deep within me and they invade my sleep, and I'd wake up so tired and out of it. I would wake up without any energy and motivation and I even skipped lunch today because i felt sick and didn't feel like eating. I think this is related to our discussion a couple days ago about friendships with the opposite sex. We agreed that we can be friends with the opposite sex and not ever do anything that crosses the line and hurt one another (although I do not have any male friends - only females. My bf however is much more social and outgoing than I am.) We agreed that as long as we go out in groups of males and females then it is fine, but absolultely no alone time because i don't want to feel like he's on a date with someone else while i'm so far away and vice versa. He promised me that there would be no alone times with his female friends and everything was perfect so we ended the discussion - I just really hope that he keeps his word. I'm so scared that I'll lose him one day to someone else that is nicer, prettier, smarter, more outgoing, better than me. I know in life nothing is every 100% guaranteed and he is just too good to be true.

 

I just want to be clear headed and happy- I'm with someone whom I love so much and he loves me back just as much if not more - i should be so happy and enjoying this - but I am not and I really want to get rid of my fears...please advice me if you can thank you so much.

[Lovelymisa]

It is now 5:45 am and I just woke up from the worse nightmare yet

 

It was so real, in complete details ....I woke up in tears, with night sweats and my heart was racing because i still felt the betrayal and the hurt from when I was sleeping.

 

I think it has a bit to do with me reading so much of this stuff that is being happened to people here on LS that somehow that got incorporated into my brain.

 

In my nightmare he explained to me how he has contacted a female friend of his through email asking about stuff regarding cybersex and she only replied with the answer of his question - when i saw her reply in his email. My bf does give me contact to his email info so sometimes i cant help but check it to make sure that im not going to get hurt I've been dealing with trust issues for a long time (my own problem not his) and just lately i'm starting to get better - until the nightmares start to happen.

Well in my nightmare supposedly i was trusting him already 100% - yet ironically i was still checking his email hence i found the reply from the female friend..but i did not worry much about it and completely took his word, trusted him that it was merely a question and not a request.

 

Long story short somehow I stumbled across the truth that he was actually having cyber sex with this friend of his and i confronted him - he then explained that he thought he already explained to me - and explained to me in more explicit details of the stuff they do together - all the while making me feel like it was normal for what he is doing and that it is me that is being insecure and anxious for nothing. I felt so much hurt, and to make matter worse as he was describing what he did with that woman, i see it clearly in my nightmare - and i couldnt wake up from it- it was a very long nightmare that started just as i closed my eyes until i woke up crying - so it was at least 5 hours worth. Either he is really manipulating me or my head has so much crap in it that i can't even distinguish the difference between reality and dreams.

Im really worried and I think I will tell my bf about all of this when we chat later - i'm scared i will upset him. He has done nothing wrong to me for me to ever doubt him like this.

[Thaddeus]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Nightmares are things over which we have zero control (unless you're into lucid dreaming, a knack I never personally could master).

 

They are dreams though, they're not reality. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with him.

 

Fortunately, these sorts of things are almost always very short-lived. It'll pass.

[AnnPod]

One of those things I've learned about the LDR: Don't get lost in your anxieties, never ever! It's gonna mess things up and you put a ton of pressure on the both of you. Minimize this drama. Distract yourself, hang out with your friends, you must be happy with the life you have, even if he's not around.

 

It's not good for you to constantly go crazy, just because he emails less. It's not good for him either, and if he really knows you he will notice something is wrong. I've been in an LDR for almost a year now, so I know what I'm talking about. I think one of the most effective ways of dealing with this constant fear of losing someone, jealousy, and cheating, those moments where you for some crazy reason are sure every woman in this world is secretly haunting your boy, is to focus on yourself. Work out, take a bath, dress pretty, meet people, smile. Nobody in this world needs to feel the way you do. At a certain point I thought I don't need someone to tell me he loves me all the time just to relieve me from my fears. I think it's better to stop feeling insecure all the time and not imagine the worst, just because you have not heard from someone for a day.

 

And sometimes there is this necessity to show your boyfriend you are not super fragile and need him like crazy, but that you know you're a wonderful person and he should be lucky to be with you.

[jumi]

I agree with AnnPod. you have to give him your complete trust, and that his word is the truth. otherwise, you are spoiling and poisoning a good relationship for no rational reason. Give him your trust and love because he deserves it. Asking yourself "what if" is really just destructive. Just assure yourself that he loves you and try to feel happy and safe within that thought. If you ask him a lot of suspicious and anxious questions im sure that would irritate him and make him suspicious himself. Just enjoy your life and be happy, it would put a lot less stress on the relationship.

 

try reading or watching a movie before bed, or even meditating if you like. either distract yourself, or clear your mind. recall memories of your good times together.

[hoping2heal]

What's going on that you don't feel secure right now?

[Lovelymisa]

What's going on that you don't feel secure right now?

 

Nothing has happened that would make me insecure:(

 

Just the distance makes me wonder if he would replace me - i've always had low self esteem where I feel I'm not worthy of his love.

 

Also I am so shy and private most of the time - he is outgoing and very social - he talks with anyone who talks to him - he is so amazing and just too good to be true. I'm sure if girls get to know him - even just as friends - will soon get captured by his qualities and maybe would go out of their ways to take him from me. I'm sure if he loves me as much as he tells me - and shows me of course - he would never reciprocate feelings for any girls that would try to get with him.

 

I am just always anxious and nervous... we've had many discussions about my issues and he's been so patient with me - i feel i need to just stop being insecure but i still am...

 

I'm hopeless maybe i will drive him away soon and be alone forever as im sure this trait is very unattractive to men.