Some Words of Wisdom to the Fellow Guys...

[CaliGuy]

Let me bottom line this for you.

 

"If you don't love and respect yourself, if you don't act like a man, don't expect to keep your woman.... Being wussy/clingy/doormat-ish is NOT sexy...."

[silic0ntoad]

100% right through and through. Another piece I would like to add is this:

 

Repeating the same thing over and over again is the cornerstone of insanity.

 

So begging, pleading, and clinging all don't work, we know this! Don't do it. NL, I am glad you posted this. I've been through some serious relationships and this is exactly what I feel.

[Serena2009]

Thanks for an excellent post Nightlord1!! I agree with you, it's almost like they have radar and can sense when you've moved on and they come back. This goes for men too! And I also agree, men tend to operate from an area centered in logic while women tend to operate from an area centered in emotion. Also, like you said, men have a tendency to want to "fix it." This can result in miscommunication at those times when a woman is talking and just wanting to be heard and validated while a man is listening to her and looking for ways he can "fix it." Anyway, I'd appreciate a male perspective on my situtation.

 

After 5 weeks NC my ex came back. He's the dumper. As he put it during the break up, he's usually logical and there was no logical reason and he also told me he loved me and I'm awesome, it was just a gut feeling that 6 months down the road something might happen. He wanted to remain friends, I declined and immediately went NC. Last weekend he surprises me with a visit. Long story short, I told him how he hurt me and how he sabotaged the relationship for no apparent reason. He took responsibility and said he made a mistake and never once turned the tables on me. He told me he doesn't know if letting me go is the right thing to do so I can tell he remains unsure of what he wants from the relationship. He knows very well that I won't continue with him as a friend or FWB. I know he's got issues of commitment fears (mid-forties and never married) and although I never pushed for anything further than what we had (we were exclusive to each other and seeing where it lead), he put pressure on himself before the breakup that we had to decide whether to take it to another level. I told him I was ready to do that but it was all him pressuring himself because I was content where we were. Anyway, why would he show up after 5 weeks NC and strill be ambivalent. I asked him why he came and he said it was because I wanted to discuss things face to face. I responded that was over five weeks ago before the breakup. I asked him what he wanted out of the relationship and he couldn't answer. During the breakup and during this visit I never groveled, begged, or did anything overly emotional in regard to trying to preserve the relationship. Is he playing games with me and trying to keep me on a string? Did he come just to test the waters and see if I still have feelings for him? I need some insight into the male psyche. Anyway, I'm back to NC but seeing him again drummed up all those old emotions and rekindled my hope for the relationship and weakened my resolve in getting him out of my head and heart.

[DustySaltus]

I always believe that when the X does come back after no contact they will come back with either one of two approaches. Either they will just be trying to check up on you and offer a mild apology, testing the waters OR they will look you directly in the eye and tell you EXACTLY what you needed to hear. The latter approach will force you to make a serious decision. Sometimes people really can see the light and sometimes they just want to see if they could get you back again. It's a dangerous game.

 

I do believe in second chances but it always needs to be face to face for you to feel if they are truly genuine in their actions.

[NightLord1]

Thanks for an excellent post Nightlord1!! I agree with you, it's almost like they have radar and can sense when you've moved on and they come back. This goes for men too! And I also agree, men tend to operate from an area centered in logic while women tend to operate from an area centered in emotion. Also, like you said, men have a tendency to want to "fix it." This can result in miscommunication at those times when a woman is talking and just wanting to be heard and validated while a man is listening to her and looking for ways he can "fix it." Anyway, I'd appreciate a male perspective on my situtation.

 

After 5 weeks NC my ex came back. He's the dumper. As he put it during the break up, he's usually logical and there was no logical reason and he also told me he loved me and I'm awesome, it was just a gut feeling that 6 months down the road something might happen. He wanted to remain friends, I declined and immediately went NC. Last weekend he surprises me with a visit. Long story short, I told him how he hurt me and how he sabotaged the relationship for no apparent reason. He took responsibility and said he made a mistake and never once turned the tables on me. He told me he doesn't know if letting me go is the right thing to do so I can tell he remains unsure of what he wants from the relationship. He knows very well that I won't continue with him as a friend or FWB. I know he's got issues of commitment fears (mid-forties and never married) and although I never pushed for anything further than what we had (we were exclusive to each other and seeing where it lead), he put pressure on himself before the breakup that we had to decide whether to take it to another level. I told him I was ready to do that but it was all him pressuring himself because I was content where we were. Anyway, why would he show up after 5 weeks NC and strill be ambivalent. I asked him why he came and he said it was because I wanted to discuss things face to face. I responded that was over five weeks ago before the breakup. I asked him what he wanted out of the relationship and he couldn't answer. During the breakup and during this visit I never groveled, begged, or did anything overly emotional in regard to trying to preserve the relationship. Is he playing games with me and trying to keep me on a string? Did he come just to test the waters and see if I still have feelings for him? I need some insight into the male psyche. Anyway, I'm back to NC but seeing him again drummed up all those old emotions and rekindled my hope for the relationship and weakened my resolve in getting him out of my head and heart.

 

Honestly if an ex comes over to see you or they call you in the middle of the night and just HAVE to see you then and there usually they are pretty serious in wanting to amend things and get back together.

 

He probably finally realized he made a mistake and his intent on coming over was to probably work things out and be back with you. Your attitude and the way you were though probably surprised him and took him off guard and he was left unsure as to what to do.

 

Most guys when they really want to make it work or realize they messed up will be truthful with their intentions of coming back with no other hidden meanings if that is what they really want. Again usually guys have more of a idea of what they want then women and they will act on it when they can summon up the fortitude to take action.

 

It is of course all up to you as to how you want to deal with it. If you want him back then i would say take it slow and see what happens. If you don't then contact him back and be sure to tell him why you don't want to give it another shot.

 

I do not believe he was playing games and I think he really was honest with his intentions.

[NightLord1]

100% right through and through. Another piece I would like to add is this:

 

Repeating the same thing over and over again is the cornerstone of insanity.

So begging, pleading, and clinging all don't work, we know this! Don't do it. NL, I am glad you posted this. I've been through some serious relationships and this is exactly what I feel.

 

One of my favorite sayings is the definition of insanity which is "doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result each time."

 

So true Silic.

[Serena2009]

Thanks NightLord1 & Dustysaltus for your response. You may be right NL, maybe he wasn't expecting me to respond to his visit by expressing how he hurt me by sabotaging the relationship. But. . . even though he said he made a mistake, he never clearly stated that he wanted to give the relationship another try either. So I'm left confused as to whether he was reacting with ambiguity regarding the relationship due to my response or whether it is due to his pattern of ambiguity (commitment fear). I do want to give this relationship a chance, but only if he's ready to put both feet in and not run hot and cold. Should I break NC and try to set up another time to talk? Or, should I wait for him to contact me? I am fearful of the risk of rejection if I contact him. On the other hand, I'm concerned that he may see it as leaving me be and that if I want something with him it's my move. Do you think that if I just wait for contact that he'll try again? Thanks again for all your insight.

[NightLord1]

Thanks NightLord1 & Dustysaltus for your response. You may be right NL, maybe he wasn't expecting me to respond to his visit by expressing how he hurt me by sabotaging the relationship. But. . . even though he said he made a mistake, he never clearly stated that he wanted to give the relationship another try either. So I'm left confused as to whether he was reacting with ambiguity regarding the relationship due to my response or whether it is due to his pattern of ambiguity (commitment fear). I do want to give this relationship a chance, but only if he's ready to put both feet in and not run hot and cold. Should I break NC and try to set up another time to talk? Or, should I wait for him to contact me? I am fearful of the risk of rejection if I contact him. On the other hand, I'm concerned that he may see it as leaving me be and that if I want something with him it's my move. Do you think that if I just wait for contact that he'll try again? Thanks again for all your insight.

 

He may have wanted to tell you he wanted another chance but as soon as saw and felt how you were he changed his mind.

 

Since he made the effort to come forward after a few weeks time to at least see you and he didn't send you some let down text or e-mail like "whats up?" or "hows it going?" I think he may be considering it or already did.

 

I would contact him and set up something to get together. If it was me I would just make it simple like meeting up for a walk or have a cup of coffee or something.

 

If you want to get back with him then if you keep bringing up his problems and issues he is going to back track and rethink you don't want to be back together.

 

Sure its important to talk about your problems but you already did and he is aware of how you feel from the last times you have spoken about it.

 

So my thoughts would be to just meet up and see if you can have a pleasant time together. Don't discuss anything about the break up or what happened. If he brings up anything then roll with it and talk about it. Otherwise see if you can have a nice time with him.

[Pfiend101]

ok since she has begun thinking about me. Should I delete her off facebook? or will that drive her away?

[NightLord1]

ok since she has begun thinking about me. Should I delete her off facebook? or will that drive her away?

 

If you delete her from your face book that will probably hurt her and any kind of hopes of you wanting to get back with her if that is what you want will be pretty much done. A simple act like that will be loud and clear to her that you do not want anything to do with her.

 

If you don't want to be with her anymore then ya that would be one way of keeping her away for sure.

 

Just leave her on their and don't go to her page. Not like having her on your friend's list just sitting there is doing any harm. Its only when you go to her page and see things you may not like that will make it worse on you.

[Serena2009]

Thanks NL, I called and got his voicemail so I left a message to please call me when he gets it. He always returned messages promptly so we'll see!! Anyway, I hope I didn't blow it by expressing my hurt over the breakup which I never expressed before!! If somebody breaks up with you and shows up 5 weeks later unexpectantly, it's a little bit shocking and I wasn't as grounded as I usually am. So. . . if he responds I'll see if he wants to get together for something light. And if he does, I certainly won't rehash the relationship foibles because I've already said what I needed to say. His last words to me when he left were I don't want to hurt you. I hope he's not thinking he's blown it beyond repair!! Why am I feeling like I screwed up now when he's the one that caused me so much pain with this breakup! Thanks again!!

[Serena2009]

NL, He did cal me back tonight. It was an upbeat conversation. We talked about what's been going on with us individually, he told me he's been working hard and "has been good" (that's code for not messing around). I told him I was sorry that I was emotional and he told me it's alright, I have a right to express my emotions. I told him I'd like to get together and talk and do something light and fun. He said he can sometime and will let me know whether he has time this weekend due to exisiting plans. Then later in the conversation he tells me he's been dating a little bit and it's kinda fun. So. . . anyway. . . I told him to let me know about the weekend. What do you think guys?? Is he trying to "friend zone" me?? The only thing that threw me off was the comment about dating. I don't know what his purpose in throwing that out there was, but it could be to evoke some jealousy, make sure I know I'm in the friend zone, or to see if I answered back as to whether I've been dating. I'm in desperate need of the male psyche again in figuring this out.

[bhawake]

Good Post NightLord1. I agree entirely with what you said.

[NightLord1]

NL, He did cal me back tonight. It was an upbeat conversation. We talked about what's been going on with us individually, he told me he's been working hard and "has been good" (that's code for not messing around). I told him I was sorry that I was emotional and he told me it's alright, I have a right to express my emotions. I told him I'd like to get together and talk and do something light and fun. He said he can sometime and will let me know whether he has time this weekend due to exisiting plans. Then later in the conversation he tells me he's been dating a little bit and it's kinda fun. So. . . anyway. . . I told him to let me know about the weekend. What do you think guys?? Is he trying to "friend zone" me?? The only thing that threw me off was the comment about dating. I don't know what his purpose in throwing that out there was, but it could be to evoke some jealousy, make sure I know I'm in the friend zone, or to see if I answered back as to whether I've been dating. I'm in desperate need of the male psyche again in figuring this out.

 

First and foremost he was honest with you so that is always good. He did call you back which is good too.

 

If i was you I wouldn't have apologized to him though as you really didn't do anything wrong and often times when people apologize they are made out to be weak. Not saying it is detrimental or anything but just my take on that.

 

I would be very careful here...because if he is dating and he is saying that it is fun then he may either be doing it to make you jealous or he means it and may want to play the field.

 

My advice would be to see if he contacts you for your weekend plans. Don't contact him about it at ALL just wait and see if he gets a hold of you FIRST and asks if you guys are still on.

 

If he doesn't contact you then go right back to no contact and leave it there until he gets a hold of you again. If he does decide to make the plans then cool go out and have some fun. If he does not uphold the plans though do NOT ask him out again unless he asks you first.

 

You have to play it cool though and not mention or ask anything about who he may be dating. Just steer clear of that and leave it alone. If you ask then he will know you are either bothered by it or you are jealous and it will inflate his ego.

 

There WAS a reason why he came over to see you and since he didn't say anything about never wanting to see you again or that it would be best if you guys just forever go your separate ways then he had an intention there.

 

Could have been to see if you were still interested at all and now that he knows you are he knows he has you a bit longer.

 

Again it all depends on what he does for your meet up. So just take it day by day till then.

[220ST]

Excellent post. For once... I will follow this advice, grow a set... and not contact. I deserve better than what I had, and this makes me feel waaaay better.

[NightLord1]

Excellent post. For once... I will follow this advice, grow a set... and not contact. I deserve better than what I had, and this makes me feel waaaay better.

 

Glad it could help 22.

[Serena2009]

Hi NL,

I know that he will contact me to let me know one way or another regarding the weekend when he finds out whether he's tied up one or both days. His reason for possibly being tied up is legit. Anyway, I didn't request a specific weekend in the first place! My concern now is that I've always set a firm boundry that I will not be "friend zoned." How do I let him know that my position on it hasn't changed? Finally, no matter how the weekend turns out, whether we get together or not, I won't contact him before or after. I never chased him and I certainly won't now. I feel better having put the ball back in his court. I just hope that by doing it he doesn't get the idea that I'm willing to go the "friend" route.

Many thanks again.

[NightLord1]

Hi NL,

I know that he will contact me to let me know one way or another regarding the weekend when he finds out whether he's tied up one or both days. His reason for possibly being tied up is legit. Anyway, I didn't request a specific weekend in the first place! My concern now is that I've always set a firm boundry that I will not be "friend zoned." How do I let him know that my position on it hasn't changed? Finally, no matter how the weekend turns out, whether we get together or not, I won't contact him before or after. I never chased him and I certainly won't now. I feel better having put the ball back in his court. I just hope that by doing it he doesn't get the idea that I'm willing to go the "friend" route.

Many thanks again.

 

You let him know by doing it silently and that silence is NC until he comes forward and when he does you don't let out anything on your sleeve. If he happens to come to you with his problems but isn't making any effort to show that he wants to be back with you that is the friend zone. He wants you to be his emotional support without the intimacy and in order to avoid that without ignoring him outright (which i don't agree with) then you have to keep the conversations short and sweet. Listen to him but don't offer advice just be like "sorry to hear that." "hope it gets better for you." etc.

 

Always being there when HE needs you to be there is what will keep you in the friends zone. You have to show him you are not going to be taken advantage of without coming right out and say it.

 

Actions speak louder then words.

[sally4sara]

While I think the OP had many quality things to say about relationship dynamics, I grow seriously weary of two particular bits of advise that I find to be false and potentially seriously damaging to both men and women.

 

One: It is not a female trait to "not know what you want". As men, you don't see how often this is so common among men because you don't date men. I do. Gah! Men so confused as to say one thing and TOTALLY mean it - for 5 minutes. Then say something that wholly conflicts but be just as convinced that they mean it too! I can point out one glaringly obvious clue to this - the fear of commitment some men experience; if they meant what they said to the girl they're with, they wouldn't be so afraid.

Not to mention how troubling it is to think about teenage boys being told girls don't know what they want and then sent on car dates with girls who might very much mean it when they say "NO!".

 

Two: the concept that you have to create drama to keep a woman interested. Deny attention or affection so she has to chase you around and worry about your intentions. I hate pointless drama, and if you're manufacturing it for no real reason - you're being fake. Does anyone like fake people?

 

Fellas,

 

Please keep in mind that you don't know the stability of some of the people you advise. An experienced, mature person can probably realize you don't mean your generalization so literally, but these are not the men who hang on every word of dating advise they hear.

[wowsers]

Thank you for this post, Especially this quote...

 

Thing is...you can't force yourself on someone who does not want the same thing. Resistance only adds more resistance and if your ex is resisting by not wanting to be with you and you fall into the panic mode trap and try to do whatever to get them back its causing resistance on THEM and they will push themselves further away.

 

It's not exactly the same but this is somewhat how I been. Trying to make her love me. For what?... so she can take advantage again? Hell no. Even though I took care of her when she din't get what she wanted or got mad she would always tell me to my face, "You know I don't love you, I told you I don't wanna be with you." Then when we made up or when she got what she wanted it was "i'm sorry".

 

Anyways thank you for this whole post! Only 3 days but I do feel better at least right now. I know I got a long way to go, but with posts like these, I can get through it.

[angelface78]

Ok Nightlord...so what do i do if he contacts me by email or text should i reply or ignore until he calls or comes to see me in person? Is it possible that if he texts and emails and i ignore he will just never look for me again? I am on 2 months of NC. He was always posting indirect messages to me on his myspace headline...but i cut that off by no longer logging in...now he has nothing. So i sense if hes coming back it will be soon. We have had 2 other breakups where he has done the same. So basically should i reply or not and just wait till he calls or shows up???? THANK YOU SOO MUCH FOR HELPING ALL OF US

[NightLord1]

Ok Nightlord...so what do i do if he contacts me by email or text should i reply or ignore until he calls or comes to see me in person? Is it possible that if he texts and emails and i ignore he will just never look for me again? I am on 2 months of NC. He was always posting indirect messages to me on his myspace headline...but i cut that off by no longer logging in...now he has nothing. So i sense if hes coming back it will be soon. We have had 2 other breakups where he has done the same. So basically should i reply or not and just wait till he calls or shows up???? THANK YOU SOO MUCH FOR HELPING ALL OF US

 

First and foremost i do NOT agree with ignoring someone outright when they get a hold of you. To me when you ignore someone you are being petty and showing them that you are letting them get to you. Everyone has their own opinion but to me this is just not grown up behavior.

 

If he contacts you with a text or e-mail and it is something stupid like "hey whats up?" or "whats been going on?" then keep it simple and just respond "i'm good" or "things have been busy but i'm good." you know don't give him too much to work off of and don't ask him how he is doing either.

 

Now if he calls or texts or e-mails insisting to see you or talk to you then that could be something more fruitful but you have to see what he says and how he says it.

 

If he doesn't say outright he wants to be back together or that he wishes to work things out again then you need to keep your cool and refrain from showing him your feelings because if you let too much out when he isn't that will just keep him pushed away from you.

 

When people come forward to express their feelings then they are basically saying in their own way they are NOT resisting you and are open.

 

Hope that helps.

[angelface78]

Ok thank you ever soooo much

[NightLord1]

Ok thank you ever soooo much

 

No problem and if it helps you in some way glad it could.

[caramel c]

No problem and if it helps you in some way glad it could.

 

Nightlord, if Angelface's ex had texted her 'I miss you' would your advice be the same? It's not exactly a question that she can reply to...just wondering what you'd suggest her to do then. (There is a very similar situation I know of here which is why I'm asking)

 

Thanks