Breaking Down

[freedevil]

I think I really need some help here. I am 25 years old, male married for 3 years this September. I am having serious problems with my wife but can't jump the gun on divorce due to fear. I have rambled on here just trying to speak my thoughts please bear with me.

 

My wife and I fight all the time. She gets angry slaps me throws things at time or using very abusive language towards me. I ignored it and would gently remind her but as years went by I could not contain my anger anymore either and would retaliate with obscenities as well. Sigh, this obviously isn't the way to live and I have started to not like the person I have become.

 

We had eloped 3 yrs ago so her family while they accept me it's not as rosy because they are dysfunctional and traditional Indian. They show no emotion, my wife doesn't even hug her family. So we have conflicts as I don't like to visit them because all we do is watch tv (Indian soap operas) all the while I am there. They don't speak English well either and I don't understand their language. some of her other family members were condescending towards me as well which has left me bitter as she would not stand up for me. Truth is she got guilty after eloping by her parents and it messed with her head. All our problems started once her parents came into the picture.

 

After marriage she gained 30lbs but she was 160lbs prior so not thin either. I thought it affected her self esteem but she has done nothing about it. I got depressed with the marriage and gained 40 lbs. I started going to the gym lifting weights and encouraging her too. I noticed I felt better losing weight working out and more positive. I hoped she would join me so that we could share some thing and get healthy together. She doesnt wanna go to the gym mind you its an apartment gym. She'd rather say she would work out at home. But she doesn't nor does she focus on her diet. She doesnt work or do anything goes to school which starts end of the month. She hardly ever cooks either so I am lost as to why she can't fix her health. I did try to tell her shes beautiful etc and encourage her but no go she says yeah right when i compliment her so I have stopped.

 

I am not happy with her and feel suffocated. In 3 yrs of marriage she has never initiated sex we fight about it all the time. My sex drive is really high and have slowly been feeling rejected unloved by her never being in the mood. I love to please her when we do have sex but she doesn't reciprocate. She gives oral maybe 3 times a year even though she knows I enjoy it. I give her oral at least once a week that too after forcing her to shower so that we can have sex. It just makes me feel she doesnt love me. Prior to marriage our sex life had no problems. I can't understand women they expect so much from the man but in turn there's nothing. I got tired of begging and waiting for sex I slept with an escort and regret it now. I don't feel bad cheating but I feel like I am a bad person someone who deserves unhappiness now. I just want to be touched lovingly again. I messed up I guess.

 

I have mentioned we should divorce a few times to her. She says she loves me and we can work it out. We tried over and over again things change for 2 nights then back to same. We bicker, she hardly talks to me when we are together but blames me for not being romantic enough or nice. I dont take her to the beach or movies or do all the things she wants all the time. Sorry if i dont wanna go to beach when we are having problems? We still go to the movies often but even then it's no fun. We just dont communicate I always have to be the first one to say lets talk about feelings. She's the quiet type who just explodes one day and it sucks because I can't read her mind.

 

When I look at other couples smiling and laughing I feel jealous and hurt. I wish I could be them. I am still really young don't have kids and don't want them for a long time with the way things are going.

 

 

Back to fear as I mentioned we are Indian. I fear her whole family breaking down upon me with questions and harassing me once I file. Deep inside they would be happy as they love drama the whole 'I told you so, he's a bad man.' I wasn't always like this I had a positive outlook on life prior. I just don't get it. Anyone in my shoes who wasted thier life giving multiple chances? What should I do

[hopesndreams]

I got tired of begging and waiting for sex I slept with an escort and regret it now.

 

What do you regret about this? Do you feel as though she drove you to this point?

 

Tell her what you have done. She should get tested for STD's..you have put her health at risk and she has the right to know. Let her in on the decision making on what's to be done with the M.

[freedevil]

I got tired of begging and waiting for sex I slept with an escort and regret it now.

 

What do you regret about this? Do you feel as though she drove you to this point?

 

Tell her what you have done. She should get tested for STD's..you have put her health at risk and she has the right to know. Let her in on the decision making on what's to be done with the M.

 

No I don't have a STD I am tested. I regret the fact that my wife is not willing to fulfill my needs? Emotionally or sexually. Sleeping with an escort was not enjoyable for me because it was awkward and I couldn't even get my self to have intercourse. Once I was done I just wanted to get away as soon as possible. I am not a hooker guy but I can't deny what I did.

 

I don't wish to tell my wife for simple purposes of unnecessary drama and bringing shame to my family.

[SRV]

You stated that you do not have any kids. This situation will not get better if you two decide to get kids without some serious marriage counseling.

 

You are still very young. You need to sit down with your wife and suggest it. Your marriage is abusive. Most often than not, it normally escalates without proper intervention and both parties willing to accept responsibility with the goal of correcting the bad habits.

 

Don't let this spiral to the point where you get kids and nothing has changed in terms of the way you treat each other. Or else be prepared for a nightmare. Hope you make the best informed decision, good luck!

[freedevil]

Thanks for the reply SRV we can't afford marriage counseling. Not sure what to do. Often we just ignore each other live like roommates. Its hard fighting the mind over the heart, I melt when I see her and I want to cuddle her and please her. Then surely again we end up fighting. She sleeps with her back turned to me almost every night. Silent treatment yelling screaming blaming each other is all that happens. I maybe depressed now but I am trying to do positive things to not fall into this deadly trap.

 

The problem is I keep giving her chances to change and she promises but nothing happens. Later she says I smooth talk her into thinking its her fault. In my mind I have already cut her out but sub consciously I can't seem too. She claims once I am asleep I hold her tight in my arms through the night. I can imagine that happening and I am going around in circles now.

 

I LOVE HER but we can't live together is my conclusion from all this. I need to deal with my fear and just file for divorce but my heart is taking me down and making me nervous, uneasy and over excited.

[SRV]

Have you tried communicating in a different manner from the way you are currently doing? If she feels that you are smooth talking her might suggest that she feels that you are manipulating her to an extent. I am just taking a guess here. Men and women are wired differently and thus we get and receive the message being communicated totally differently.

 

Do you make her feel like she has a 'safe and open' environment to communicate her feelings to you without any fear of repraisal?

 

Ignoring the issues between the two of will not make it better. Prolonging it will only build further resentment between the two of you and drive you further apart as might well be the case of as of now.

 

Do you have medical insurance from your workplace? If so, and she is included in it, it might be worthwhile to call them and see if it covers counselling and how many sessions. At least this would be a start.

 

No consequences to her actions means no motivation to change. Try and explore all your options, if it does not pun out at least you know that you and gave it all you could to try and salvage your marriage.

[LisaUk]

I'm not about to start defending your w physical abuse of you, that is not right.

 

What I am getting from your orginal post though is that your w is TRYING DESBRATLEY to communicate HER unhappiness to you. (Not in a particularly healthy or effective way admittedely, but there none the less).

 

You talk about how you feel, you talk about how you want sex, you need her to get healthy, you want her to shower, you want her to give you oral sex, you want her to cook, you want her to go to the gym. What does your wife want? Have you asked her? If she is constantly screaming, yelling and refusing sex what do you think is going on? The only thing you briefly mention is she would like more of your attention, as in quality time together (going to movies, beach).

 

You say your sex life before marriage had no problems, so why do you think your w has suddenley started shouting at you, refusing sex, gaining weight, staying home? This is what you need to be asking. IMO.

 

It takes two to make a marriage work, one to break it. Communicate with her, ask why she is so unhappy, maybe then you might get the answers you seek.

[RiceBall]

I think Lisa is right. Your wife sounds depressed. Maybe you are too, but at least you are able to communicate you problems clearly. Most likely her family is trying to undermine your marriage and is slowly getting to her. Could you move far, far away from them?

[seibert253]

Get ready, here comes the 2X4. IMO I think it's time for the "sh#t or get off the pot" speech.

 

Sit her down, lay it all on the line, then tell her we either give 100% effort in repairing this, or we need to move on. You need to do this now, so you don't find yourself in another situation several years, and children, later. It gets really messy when kids are involved. You don't have kids, so it makes cutting and running easier.

You take yours, I'll take mine, and have a good life.

[freedevil]

Have you tried communicating in a different manner from the way you are currently doing?

 

Do you make her feel like she has a 'safe and open' environment to communicate her feelings to you without any fear of repraisal?

 

Do you have medical insurance from your workplace? If so, and she is included in it, it might be worthwhile to call them and see if it covers counselling and how many sessions. At least this would be a start.

 

I have tried email, letters, in person. She feels very safe and open. We live in a nice apartment and community. She gets whatever she wants, just won't communicate in a helpful way. I am always trying to say I will change myself help more around the house, try to be nicer. She never says anything just nods when we try to talk things. Or she'll make some excuses about me helping around the house. There's not much to do once a month she'll clean the bathroom and kitchen. I eat frozen food for the most. She's not burdened washing 2 water cups a day. When I do the dishes she asks me why I am doing them... she'll do them. Go figure.

 

Medical insurance won't seek it. I mentioned MC to her she said whats the point they'll just say to divorce.

 

I'm not about to start defending your w physical abuse of you, that is not right.

 

What I am getting from your orginal post though is that your w is TRYING DESBRATLEY to communicate HER unhappiness to you. (Not in a particularly healthy or effective way admittedely, but there none the less).

 

You talk about how you feel, you talk about how you want sex, you need her to get healthy, you want her to shower, you want her to give you oral sex, you want her to cook, you want her to go to the gym. What does your wife want? Have you asked her? If she is constantly screaming, yelling and refusing sex what do you think is going on? The only thing you briefly mention is she would like more of your attention, as in quality time together (going to movies, beach).

 

You say your sex life before marriage had no problems, so why do you think your w has suddenley started shouting at you, refusing sex, gaining weight, staying home? This is what you need to be asking. IMO.

 

It takes two to make a marriage work, one to break it. Communicate with her, ask why she is so unhappy, maybe then you might get the answers you seek.

 

She doesn't say what she wants besides just to be happy together. I fear her health she is 190lbs 5'3 51% body fat. I don't ask her to cook for me just for herself so she can eat healthy. Presently she is giving me silent treatment when I talk to her she just won't respond or gets pissed. I was in bed last night she came in I asked her to please turn the AC up, she said you can do it yourself and left.

 

After marriage it slowed a little but I thought it was fine. Then she told her parents we eloped and every thing exploded. He said he disowns her and stuff and started drama. Her family cares more about society than her. So my family came down then and they all wanted a wedding. Both families fought over stuff and it was chaos. We finally got married under not so great terms and that night she yelled at me and went to bed. Which was fine we both were caught in our families and their problems with each other. Since she doesn’t communicate with hers there was no help from her.

 

Life went on but as time passed I could feel no passion on her end and all this while asking for sex caught up then. I started feeling maybe I am ugly or not good enough. I told her I feel unwanted and unloved she says she finds me attractive. During this phase she would keep slapping me more. The abuse started early on but I didnt catch the signs. We had just eloped and married and were hanging with my friend. I had been smoking since I was 15 but tried to stop for her. My friend smokes and he was laughing because of all the guys he never though I would quit. So I said its hard I am a smoker for life no matter what. Which I used to tell him when we were young and we laughed. My wife slapped me then and there in front of him. I was really hurt and upset more so humiliated. Continue on she says I don’t listen to her so she hits me. She slapped me 4 times a day 2 years ago. I finally got fed up and all the pent up anger one day when she slapped me my hand instantly moved and slapped her back. Even then I just apologized and kept telling her sorry. She stopped slapping me for a bit after that. Then kicking started.

 

She has done nothing romantic for me in 3 years. Not even a valentines day gift because I a man I have to do everything. I took her to Catamaran Spa for valentines day and it was just bleh, yeah her stomach ached again so we didn’t eve have sex. She's always ill stomach ache or some other lame ache is bugging her. If we go out for a nice night she'll over eat and of course not be in the mood later. Yeah I get a little upset. All day went well we bonded great and now we are sleeping upset. Or she will just lay there and only wants missionary. Try having such a sex life. Sex isnt even good because I need the emotional intimacy to like it. I just feel like we are going through motions. Yes I have communicated everything I am telling you guys to her.

 

 

I think Lisa is right. Your wife sounds depressed. Maybe you are too, but at least you are able to communicate you problems clearly. Most likely her family is trying to undermine your marriage and is slowly getting to her. Could you move far, far away from them?

 

Her family has always been messed up. They never communicate freely which is why we had to elope or they would never agree. Her own brother doesn't talk to much and openly says he doesn't like his parents other than monetary gains they are no good. So my bad relation with her family does affect me and she knows it but she does nothing for us to bond. In 3 years we have gone nowhere together as a family I suggested we go to Seaworld or the Zoo as we live In San Diego but her parents said they have seen it and communication ended. He owns a motel so he uses it as an excuse to not be able to leave the house.

 

Get ready, here comes the 2X4. IMO I think it's time for the "sh#t or get off the pot" speech.

 

Sit her down, lay it all on the line, then tell her we either give 100% effort in repairing this, or we need to move on. You need to do this now, so you don't find yourself in another situation several years, and children, later. It gets really messy when kids are involved. You don't have kids, so it makes cutting and running easier.

You take yours, I'll take mine, and have a good life.

 

How many times do I sit her down and tell her? What more do I say anyway. I tell her so many times don't eat taco bell, it's bad for you lets eat healthy. She's vegatarian so she's super fussy with food and eats bad **** like cheese.

 

She watches a lot of TV imo the love lives there are over exaggerated. I feel like she just wants and wants. She never ever did anything romantic for me in 3 years. But always wants me to come up with ideas and plans which is fine if I get some love back? It was fine prior to marriage I didnt mind because she made me feel wanted and content. I slowly stopped bothering with this too. On the spot she says tell me a story, put me to sleep. I find it weird since we have underlying problems. I am not a clown.

 

I contacted a lawyer and I am going in to discuss with him but it keeps hurting I keep having second thoughts but when I just wrote my feelings out here I don’t. It’s funny how I just want to make it work too because in my culture its shameful to be divorced but I am going to lose my mind soon.

[SRV]

If this was me, I would cut my loses now.

 

First, there are no children involved.

 

Second, the abuse is an absolute no, no. It will not get better without intervention. The resentement that is still brewing between the two of you will be insurmountable if nothing is done pronto.

 

Third, you got a preview of the kind of person she is or was bound to be and the kind of family you will have if you have children based on her family and their history. Their communication according to you is lacking, what makes you think it will be different with her towards you? This is all she knows as far as communicating, and is not willing to change.

 

The excuses she gives you every time when you want to have sex is indicative that she no longer has the emotional connection or spark with you and you said the same is true for you too.

 

It takes two to make a marriage and reconciliation work. If she is unwilling to do either, then you have to weigh your options, time waits for no man. Good luck!

[freedevil]

Yeah you're right I definitely don't see my children and us getting along with so many issues. They might end up controlling the child as well. I never knew communication was so bad in their family until after. She always said they were strict but I thought she wanted to be not like them. I assumed wrong to feel there would be no impact from her family.

 

I am meeting my lawyer tomorrow to go through this. I am just prepping for the roller coaster ride. Her family will gang up on me and show up at my doorstep crying and threatening me. My brother is busy at work so it'll just be me facing them for the most. I am not looking forward to all that drama. A respectable we tried to make it work but it didn't will not be good enough for them. They'll blame her for me leaving out of spite and make her life hell. I don't want that either but I can't control her family and I am trying to think this won't be so painful. I am being naive but I can't get everything I want.

 

In the past she has said if we divorce she'd take her life. I just don't know what will happens once I tell her or she gets served. I know she will storm out but don't know where she will go or what she might end up doing. Its not easy for her to call her house and say its over I am coming back home. So I don't know. I just want her to be okay even though I am the one leaving her and causing all this.

[Dack]

Hello dear -- from what I've been reading from you, you are not the one causing all of this. Please understand that.

 

Right now, she is where she wants to be -- it has all boiled down to that. While you care about her, you have to love yourself and get out of the abusive situation.

 

I've been reading some stories in here and certainly, your's is the case that I would encourage you to look to your future without the one you love always beating you down -- physically and emotionally.

 

You will be in my thoughts, tomorrow.

[freedevil]

Hello dear -- from what I've been reading from you, you are not the one causing all of this. Please understand that.

 

Right now, she is where she wants to be -- it has all boiled down to that. While you care about her, you have to love yourself and get out of the abusive situation.

 

I've been reading some stories in here and certainly, your's is the case that I would encourage you to look to your future without the one you love always beating you down -- physically and emotionally.

 

You will be in my thoughts, tomorrow.

 

Thank you Dack you give me strength and thanks to everyone else as well for helping and listening.

[BentButNotBroken]

Freedevil,

 

While I consider the slapping to be unacceptable, You made a serious mistake in sleeping with another. Why? Because you took the problem outside of your relationship without processing the relationship first. While it is irreversible, it can be overcome for the sake of your relationship. But that will take BOTH of you wanting that. There is no quick fix, its going to be baby steps. Decide first if you want to pursue the possibility of a enduring relationship with her. Second, She needs to know about the escort.

 

If you do not truly wish to continue this relationship...then now is the time to address that feeling by being honest with her. You do not have children and you are both young, while (in my opinion) relationships are not disposable...if you are honest with her and remain determined to leave after that...then you have done all you can do.

 

If you do want to continue a relationship with her...I strongly suggest opening up about your feelings and indiscretion in the environment of a professional or trusted neutral person. By leaving it all on the table, if she remains determined to stay with you too...that will be a HUGE boost to your relationships enduring strength because you have honesty to rebuild from, not deceit. From there, she has depression symptoms that need to be addressed as well. If you continue along with her after the "relationship intervention" then you need to be at her side and motivating her towards talking about her feelings (remember, baby steps). You are "partners", you don't fix each other....you support each other. When one is leaning away or falling...you help get them back up. If they do not want your help, you back away respectfully (not cheat or with anger). Control the controllable's my friend. I like to call it..."productive patience". If you are just backing away because you are sick of it, then end it. If you are backing away while you communicated beforehand that you are there to help and hold...that is "productive". If you are productively patient and she veers even farther...then a "**** or get off the pot" speech needs to be made here.

 

Just my take.

[freedevil]

You're right I cheated on my wife. If I tell her she'll tell her family who'll go demand answers from mine. My family lives in a different country. Should I punish them and make them go through this because of me? I am willing to take the blame and responsibility for my actions but I can't have my family defamed because of what I did.

 

I should have thought about all this before I did it, yes. Let me go through what happened. I never went out and searched for an escort I was in Vegas and was propositioned by one and in unhappiness or stupidity I accepted. I did not even end up sleeping with her... not comforting but this is what happened.

 

I am young and don't understand feelings or emotions too well. I was never seeking love outside my marriage even though I suffered. I thought maybe I am just sexually frustrated and depressed. After the escort incident or during I realised this is not what I wanted or needed. I wanted intimacy and love. My wife spreads her legs for me three times a month as well, why am I unhappy then? Because I was confused of what I needed or wanted. I am immature and won't deny it. Telling my wife will just worsen things even if you feel I am deceitful and a coward.

 

If I am ending this marriage as decided I don't feel to push her further off the edge by telling her.

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

I can hear how frustarted you are from your last post on Dack's thread. Is there any way you could get MC? If not, have you tried reading any marital relationship books, to help you understand how the interaction between you is occuring?

[freedevil]

She doesn't believe in MC plus we can't afford it in California. I bought a self help marriage book. We read chapter 1 and it wanted us to pretend to be lawyers to defend each other by listing all the positive qualities. She said we would later nothing happened. The book is rotting somewhere.

 

My problem is why won't she look or research our problems like I try to. There is no effort on her behalf.

 

Anyway I have decided and made up my mind it's over.

[BentButNotBroken]

You're right I cheated on my wife. If I tell her she'll tell her family who'll go demand answers from mine. My family lives in a different country. Should I punish them and make them go through this because of me? I am willing to take the blame and responsibility for my actions but I can't have my family defamed because of what I did.

 

I should have thought about all this before I did it, yes. Let me go through what happened. I never went out and searched for an escort I was in Vegas and was propositioned by one and in unhappiness or stupidity I accepted. I did not even end up sleeping with her... not comforting but this is what happened.

 

I am young and don't understand feelings or emotions too well. I was never seeking love outside my marriage even though I suffered. I thought maybe I am just sexually frustrated and depressed. After the escort incident or during I realised this is not what I wanted or needed. I wanted intimacy and love. My wife spreads her legs for me three times a month as well, why am I unhappy then? Because I was confused of what I needed or wanted. I am immature and won't deny it. Telling my wife will just worsen things even if you feel I am deceitful and a coward.

 

If I am ending this marriage as decided I don't feel to push her further off the edge by telling her.

 

You do not need to explain yourself to me freedevil. I was not judging you, just the action. At no point do I believe you did it out of blatant revenge or anything. It happened, that was how I saw you needed to deal with it, and that's that. I am sorry that you are dealing with those feelings regarding a loved one. The truth, ugly or pretty, always is the road to take in my opinion...no matter how late. I do not know your families situation but this is about you. It is my opinion that family will be where they always are...behind you. That's what makes them so precious. Don't they want you to be happy? If my son was unhappy and doing uncharacteristic actions...I would expect him to do whatever it took to reverse that. I would be there no matter what. But thats me.

[freedevil]

You do not need to explain yourself to me freedevil. I was not judging you, just the action. At no point do I believe you did it out of blatant revenge or anything. It happened, that was how I saw you needed to deal with it, and that's that. I am sorry that you are dealing with those feelings regarding a loved one. The truth, ugly or pretty, always is the road to take in my opinion...no matter how late. I do not know your families situation but this is about you. It is my opinion that family will be where they always are...behind you. That's what makes them so precious. Don't they want you to be happy? If my son was unhappy and doing uncharacteristic actions...I would expect him to do whatever it took to reverse that. I would be there no matter what. But thats me.

 

They would stand by me regardless. My family has a great bond but I see no reason to embarrass them as I mentioned earlier. Things are different in Asian culture.