Uncertain of Next Step

[asdfg]

I've been reading this forum for a while but haven't posted. First of all, I want to thank people for being open, being frank and sharing their stories or advice. It is helpful.

 

I have been married for close to a decade and have 2 kids - one on preschool, one in lower elementary. Two things have happened over time within my marriage with my husband. First, we married on the youngish side. I knew he was on the cold side, but he was an honorable guy. I truly thought if I showered him with kindness and affections, he would soften a bit with the years. (I was wrong.) Also, he's become more and more angry and short tempered as he's grown - especially with the demands of child rearing and a bad commute.

 

We've danced around the topic of splitting up. He awknowledges that I do not make him happy. However, he expressed that he fears I would take everything away from him. This is especially odd because I was even homeless for a brief time as a kid and need very little. He is always the one wanting more and bigger. Anyway, we have two children and I am afraid he'll really rip me apart in the process of splitting. I don't know what to do. His family doesn't help me interviene with his anger - but they marvel outloud about how I am still with him. My own family expresses sadness that my life is joyless and fleeting. I am so scared. None of my friends are divorced. What do I do? How? When?

 

Any advice?

[lupa]

I am a firm believer that if there is no abuse (physical or emotional/mental) you should try everything you can to save the marriage.

 

Marriage counseling is a good first step, and if he doesn't go, go alone for a while. Do not just go to therapy, as they tend to dwell on the past, not working on the present or future. That was the death blow for my marriage, the therapist told my wife that I was emotionally distant and "that is as bad as abuse."

 

Bullsh*t, but I digress.

 

Work on the marriage until you have tried everything and he has refused to participate. Then, file for divorce.

[Thaddeus]

So you got married in hopes that he'd change.

 

(Why, oh why, do women insist on doing this? But I guess that's another thread for another time.)

 

But to the point...

 

I'm sorry you feel stuck in such a situation. Even though you may not think so, his fears are well-founded even if you have no intention whatsoever of destroying him financially in a separation/divorce. Depending on your jurisdiction, many many family courts are heavily biased towards the female (rightly or wrongly... depends on your viewpoint, I suppose) so he's got every right to be concerned.

 

Have you discussed marriage and/or anger counselling? This could be a crucial time, a time where you agree to part ways or a time to build stronger foundations for a better future together. I sincerely hope it's the latter, but it's going to take effort on everyone's part.

[MrMayI]

i'm going to echo the marriage counseling sentiment. if you can possibly save the marriage, you by all means should do so. my opinion, but you and he need to find out just what it is that makes him so bitter and angry. i for one would like nothing more than to read a success story on here these days. i think you have the potential to make it happen.

[phineas]

You said you married youngish 10 yrs ago but It sounded to me you were describing an old grumpy man. Just my observation.

 

You had to of been happy before.

Why?

 

Your both not happy now.

why?

 

MC can work.

But you both have to be %100 honest.

You both have to want to try.

 

I poured almost a mortgage payment down the drain going to MC with my wife. She was still cheating on me & lieing about it the whole time we went.

[asdfg]

Wow, that advice came back fast! Thank you!

 

I've been trying to get him to come with me to marriage counseling for about 5 years. I really have never wanted to ditch the commitment. My own parents were divorced and it stunk! He feels that he is just fine, that he wouldn't yell so much if not provoked and suggested that I go if I was the one with the feelings of unrest inside. I did go and it relieved some of my tension and helped me not take the occasional insult so personally. Last week he was still against going. But, do you think that he might have a change of heart?

 

Thaddeus: Your "why, oh why" question is a well-founded one. I kick myself often. At the very least, us foolish people do it with good intentions.

[Devil Inside]

Wow, that advice came back fast! Thank you!

 

I've been trying to get him to come with me to marriage counseling for about 5 years. I really have never wanted to ditch the commitment. My own parents were divorced and it stunk! He feels that he is just fine, that he wouldn't yell so much if not provoked and suggested that I go if I was the one with the feelings of unrest inside. I did go and it relieved some of my tension and helped me not take the occasional insult so personally. Last week he was still against going. But, do you think that he might have a change of heart?

 

Thaddeus: Your "why, oh why" question is a well-founded one. I kick myself often. At the very least, us foolish people do it with good intentions.

 

Not a good sign that he won't go to get help. I mean, you came to him, asked him for what you need, and he denies it. I don't see him changing.

 

I think you get a consultation with an attorney and a good therapist. Splitting now may be the best thing for you and those kids. Just make sure it's what you want.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If you are going to work on anything, work on making yourself happy. He is wrong to tell you that you don't "make him happy". It's his responsibility to find happiness within himself so that it can reflect off him and onto your marriage and family.

 

Turn your kindness and affections inward, on yourself, and for your children for now. Learn to be happy and independent emotionally. This will go a long way in preparing you for being on your own.

 

Everything we do is either out of love or out of fear.

[RiceBall]

Give him the choice - talk to the marriage counselor or talk to my lawyer. Treat him like the 4 year old you describe him as.

[asdfg]

I feel as though I am getting a lot of diverse responses! That's okay though - It gives me lots to think about. I guess I have to think of the faster side as my cardiologist tells me that I MUST cut down on stress. My work is stressful - but extremely meaningful and income, of course. So, in one way or another, I have to make home a place to come in out of the storm.

 

What do you all think of parents rotating through the home in which the children live? I've had clients do this so that the children don't have to move and are able to maintain some normalcy. Thoughts?