Should I try to be friends? Under false pretenses?

[Aquilah]

Okay, I've posted here and there with snippets of my story, but I'm so confused and I really don't know where to go from here.

 

My boyfriend and I were together for six years, unfortunately the last three years have been long distance but we made it work. There were obviously rough patches with one or the other of us drifting away, but we were always up front and honest about everything and we always talked things out. He was my best friend and there wasn't a thing that I wouldn't do for him and I thought that the reverse was true as well.

 

Things got tougher when I moved to Europe because of the time difference and sleeping/working hours being so messed up. Then he stopped returning my calls altogether. He still sent me emails every day or two and always made sure to tell me that he loved me. He also mentioned that he was spending a lot of time online and chatting and meeting really interesting people. He only had a high-speed connection set up at home in September, so it was a fairly new thing for him. One day he sent me an email that he was testing his webcam by chatting with a girl in another city "...but don't worry. I LOVE YOU." I still got upset and had a really long conversation on the phone about how he wasn't calling and barely telling me anything in his emails except how he was chatting with other women.

 

Over the next two weeks we sent a few emails back and forth that maybe we should be on a break until I come home at Christmas and so on. Finally he called and basically said that it was over entirely. Not a break, but the end. He didn't love me anymore, but he still wanted me to be part of his life - but as friends.

 

I tried to deal with that, pretending to be friends while plotting how I could possibly convince him to change his mind. All our conversations degenerated into "Why don't you love me anymore? How could you do this? How could you suddenly decide that that was it after 6 years".....etc. I decided that it wasn't getting anywhere, and so I said that I couldn't handle being just friends and I couldn't talk to him anymore at all. He said that he would always want to be friends and to call him whenever I was ready.

 

I know (through devious and unscrupulous methods which I will not discuss here) that he's not terribly happy. He's having trouble concentrating at work and so on, but he's still chatting with women from the internet and doesn't really seem to have changed his mind.

 

I am trying so hard not to call him, its so tempting because I know he would pick up and I know that he would talk to me anytime. I also know that I still want him back and any attempt to contact him would be some kind of attempt to make him want me again. I don't really want to move on because I am still clinging to some kind of desperate hope, but I don't want to be pathetic about it. I'm so afraid that I will try to move on in an attempt to show him that I'm alright (so he will rethink what happened and come back) and then he won't care and it won't make any difference.

 

Should I call him and at least try to stay friends and just accept that its really over? Or should I try to play the "no-contact" card to see if he decides that he misses me and changes his mind? I really want to call, but I don't want to make myself into the pathetic, clingy person I'm afraid I'm turning into.

Help!

[Tony T]

There is no good reason to stay in contact with the man. From my point of view, he is NOT your friend. For him to send you emails, knowing full well how you felt about him, telling you about how he was souping up his computer so he could chat with other females was a gross disregard for your feelings and the relationship he had with you. Time has taken its toll on the relationship and it's time to move on. There is no good reason to stay friends with a man who obviously will hurt you more in the future as he discloses his further encounters with other females. I don't think you need that.

 

The fact that he seems to thrive on cyber or long distance relationships, unless he is in a very remote location of the world, tells me that he has intimacy issues to deal with. I don't think this man would ever make a good partner for you. Play the "no contact" card and then leave the game with the card on the table. It will do you know good whatsoever to stay in contact with this guy. If he's not a mean person, he is certainly socially inept. There are lot of better guys out there. My guess also is that you had a lot of hints of what he was all about over the six years you were with him and if you didn't pick up on those....learn to start doing so with others in the future.

[Reckless]

From what I understand, your relationship is over - you HAVE no card to play. You cannot manipulate someone into loving you. You cannot resurrect dead feelings. You cannot make the past the future. But you can try, and you know what? You will make yourself miserable (or more miserable) and the pain will last much, much longer if you do.

 

Do yourself a favor. Accept that this man has said that he no longer wants to be your boyfriend. He said that he didn't want you as a girlfriend, he hasn't changed his mind regardless of is reported 'misery', instead, he's continued to chat with other girls on the net (looking for excitement, love or sex).

 

Should I call him and at least try to stay friends and just accept that its really over?

 

No. don't try and stay friends - you clearly can't do that, so don't kid yourself you can't.

 

should I try to play the "no-contact" card to see if he decides that he misses me and changes his mind?

 

No. don't 'play' anything. Just don't contact him and mean it. Accept that he doesn't like you enough to contact you himself.

 

I really want to call, but I don't want to make myself into the pathetic, clingy person I'm afraid I'm turning into.

 

Nuff said...

[Arabess]

The cyber world is much like the 3-D world......people lose interest and go elsewhere. You can't trick, cheat, beg or "no contact" them back. Deal with your broken heart....find other things to do with your time....find fun diversions....and let it go. It's all you really can do.

 

You certainly don't have to think he didn't mean anything he said to you before the break up or that your relationship to him didn't have any value.....But you do need to know you can't make anyone love you again. Just cause you are missing THEM....doesn't mean they are missing YOU!

 

I'm sorry you are having to go thru this. It's so miserable to have to deal with a broken heart and lost dreams.