When the door is closed on you - what does it really mean?..

[BraveGirl]

I'm in the same agonising place as nobandaid and UCFKevin - our beloveds have closed the door and won't even show us the respect of granting us a hello.

 

Some of us here believe that a relationship should end (if it has to) with consideration, so that even though pain is inevitable, the hurt of being shunned is not heaped on top of the sadness of loss of love.

 

What do people really think? Is no contact and ignoring an accepted part of relationship-ending culture, or is it simply rude and inconsiderate?

 

Does it mean that the other just does not like you ?(we are all guilty of not answerig the phone to people we just can't be bothered to talk to, friend/acquaintance wise I mean).

Does it mean that they have strong feelings of some kind for you and don't want those feelings opened?

 

We are talking about people with whom we have shared perhaps the greatest emotional and physical intimacy in our lives, people who we believed loved us as we love them.

Do they know they are hurting us, do they care?

Do we all not have the right to ask for 'closure' - the need to express ourselves or ask questions? Why do they deprive us of that?

 

What do you think? Normal or inconsiderate?

 

I am finding this so so hard.

[Tony T]

In most cases, the no-contact style of ending a close relationship is the best. Of course circumstances must be considered. But if no others are involved, having no contact is the most humane way of getting over the pain of loss, healing and moving on. Having contact with a past beloved only heightens unrealistic expectations of getting back together and stirs up strong emotions that aren't needed in the healing process attendant to a break-up.

 

Breaking up can be very painful in most cases but prolonged exposure to each other afterwards can cause emotional problems to worsen and take it much longer to reach the point of acceptance. If there is no contact, you learn to accept the reality that the relationship is over, you do go through much pain but you heal much quicker and you get on with your life much sooner. If there is no very excellent strategic or sane reason to keep contact with an ex, don't. What would be the reason? After a period of mourning, at a much later date, if you feel compelled to give the ex a call by all means do so. And be ready then for emotions to stir once more....and find out they are married to someone else.

 

You are much better off just leaving the past behind. There is no reason to stick yourself to it. When the door is closed, take a break...and then look for other doors. There are always many unlocked ones in the area.

[UCFKevin]

Are you insane?!?

 

You'd rather get nothing at all, no contact WHATSOEVER, than, "It's over, goodbye"?

 

Then you've clearly never gone through this.

 

If you're talking about AFTER an official break up, then I agree, there's no point for any contact at all, but what I'm going through is that I haven't even gotten an official break up, the last I talked to my...whatever she is, I asked her if we were completely over and she said, "I don't know, we'll talk about it tomorrow." That was almost two weeks ago. Now, obviously, things are over, but this way? Come on. That's ridiculous. I deserve more than this. After two and a half years, a face to face would be expected, yeah? Not NOTHING at all.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

I hope Tony meant to say that AFTER you make it clear that things are over (by saying "This is over"), THEN you do not prolong the anguish by rehashing the reasons, possibilities, history ad infinitum.

 

It is horrible to just have contact suddenly end - or fade away. It makes things seem ambiguous - at least in the eyes of a hopeful person. Of course, in reality we all know that if someone suddenly starts refusing contact for several weeks, it has the same meaning as saying "it's over". There could be different reasons why someone doesn't say goodbye. Some of them are good ones. How about:

* afraid that a goodbye will degenerate into restarting the relationship

* afraid that a goodbye will turn into an ugly scene

* doesn't want to explain about the (new lover/lack of interest in old lover/etc.)

* deliberate cruelty

* swept up in new life and too busy to think of old lover

* belief that this is easiest or best for both parties

etc.

 

It requires telepathy and mind reading to understand the true meaning of silence.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I agree with Tony and Ardea on this one.

 

As hard as it may be, it's not healthy to cling to someone who has voluntarily removed themselves from your life, whatever their reasons. Although I can certainly understand wanting 'answers,' demanding them won't necessarily help you let go of any false hope and move on.

 

So what if we were to learn that someone left us because we were not attractive enough; that they found someone else more interesting; or that they just could not tolerate any of our numerous flaws? Would having all of our shortcomings blatantly pointed out to us make the breakup any easier to accept? Would knowing they found another partner to replace you finally make you angry enough to close that door? … Or might you still want to torture yourself further by asking what the other person had to offer that you didn’t??

 

Or how about the old: “It’s not you, it’s me” cliché…better yet, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Would those answers ever satisfy our sadistic curiosity?

 

I think that people who pigeon a relationship (drop their crap then fly the coop) without even so much as an explanation, are hardly worth any more consideration than they have given you. If they don’t respect you enough to provide their reasons before walking out that door, then they never cared enough about you as an individual in the first place. And this is not someone with whom you could ever establish a healthy, mutually gratifying relationship with in the first place.

 

Then again, maybe all the signs were already there, but somehow they were overlooked or ignored because the person was not attuned to the individual or relationship enough to even take notice. And that, in and of itself, might also be the reason.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I feel that consideration should be given at the close of a relationship. Many times when a person leaves another without an explanation, it's because they're scared to actually come forward and say it's over for fear that they would hurt the other person. So they take the cowards way out by simply shutting all contact down and avoiding them without an explanation and hope the other person gets the picture. But closure is considerate and courteous. When I broke up with a person, I usually let them know why it was working. It could be me, or it could be something about them. If its something serious about them, I feel they have a right to be aware of it so that hopeful they don't repeat the same thing in a new relationship. If it's just a matter of difference, I'll still let them know, this way they'll know it was nothing wrong with them personally...we just weren't right for each other. Without closure, you'll always have that fear of "what did I do wrong?" or "was it something I said or did?"

[BraveGirl]

I suppose the different responses here reflect the difference in everyone and their particular experience.

And I realise I was not clear enough in my opening post.

 

I am 'lucky' enough to have been told it was over. I am griping because this was from a 'mature' (ha) man and he did it over the phone followed by an email, leaving no room for a joint discussion. I would have thought that you end a relationship face to face.

 

And following that, despite everyone here saying there is no point in having further contact, what is really wrong with the occasional hello? To me it feels like we are enemies now, and there's no reason for that.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to be on good terms? Ignoring is not nice is it?

[ThisGirlNameKD]

BraveGirl,

 

I don't feel that all break ups have to be face to face. Breaking up on the telephone is contact, and it's communication. I feel you though. I've ended all of my past relationship on good terms. We still speak and everything, they're okay with my husband, I'm in good with their girls or their wives. But unfortunately, some people have an all-or-nothing attitude. If they don't want the relationship, they don't want anything else to do with you.

[EnigmaXOXO]

And following that, despite everyone here saying there is no point in having further contact, what is really wrong with the occasional hello? To me it feels like we are enemies now, and there's no reason for that.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to be on good terms? Ignoring is not nice is it?

 

Nothing wrong with the occasional "hello" if BOTH parties are comfortable with that arrangement. However, if I were the one to break off a relationship and the other party kept insisting that we continue to have friendly contact, be it email or otherwise, I would liken them to a "stalker." It would make my efforts to avoid them even more drastic and deliberate. I would literally be afraid!

 

I take it that this 'mature' man is someone you see on a regular basis? If so, perhaps he is just uncomfortable with what others might think and is avoiding giving anyone ( including you) the indication that there is still something between you??

 

Just guessing??

 

But unfortunately, some people have an all-or-nothing attitude. If they don't want the relationship, they don't want anything else to do with you.

 

So true!!

[BraveGirl]

We split up a month ago and have not seen each other since. I am NOT stalking him.

I have sent a very occasional and short message saying I hope we are friends.

I would think that a hello back would be polite. We are not kids for God's sake after all! And our last weekend together he asked and said so may poignant and adoring things.

 

I really do not think I am being unreasonable am I?

[moimeme]

Are you insane?!?

 

You'd rather get nothing at all, no contact WHATSOEVER, than, "It's over, goodbye"?

 

Then you've clearly never gone through this.

 

If you're talking about AFTER an official break up, then I agree, there's no point for any contact at all, but what I'm going through is that I haven't even gotten an official break up, the last I talked to my...whatever she is, I asked her if we were completely over and she said, "I don't know, we'll talk about it tomorrow." That was almost two weeks ago. Now, obviously, things are over, but this way? Come on. That's ridiculous. I deserve more than this. After two and a half years, a face to face would be expected, yeah? Not NOTHING at all.

 

One of the chores of being an adult is realizing that neither life nor people will do what you want or what you may think is right. You can think a person is wrong, bad, or inconsiderate all you want - but the fact remains that that person is likely to do exactly the same no matter what you think. Therefore, the best thing to do is learn to deal when these monkey wrenches get pitched into your life.

 

Yes, it would be wonderful if every person were noble and fine and decent and courageous. Few people are these things. If your ex turns out to be even less of those things than you thought, be glad that person is gone. That your ex hasn't had the consideration to say to you that it's over only testifies to a character flaw you're probably better without.

 

Don't continue to stress yourself about what they 'should' do or be doing now. It is what it is. Let it go. Let him go or her go. Tony's right - you have to go cold turkey after leaving someone otherwise you continue to torture yourself with the hope that the person will 'wise up'. The sooner you get on with the rest of your life, the better.

[kclay21]

After my breakup, I had to ultimately realize that closure only comes from within...

 

Asking for closure only confirms how we are still dependant upon that person that left to give us reasons so we can "move on with our lives". By being secure in the fact that you can live without the other person and move on, your journey towards "real" closure actually begins.

 

The day you realize that this person is not coming back, or that you want to move on IS the "closure" you have been asking for. It doesnt come from someone telling you why they left, or if they are coming back. When they finally come around to explain why they left, it is only a confirmation of the inevitable ( that which you wouldn't accept at first!) that makes you gain that closure.

 

Life doesn't run by a strict set of rules and each person isn't governed by them. One person doesn't have to explain why they left you, or even talk to you ever again for that matter. That is just the way it is. By being true to ourselves from jumpstreet, we can gain closure the second they utter "I just want to be friends...". It is sad that we don't.

 

This could just be the lesson I learned, and I may sound cynical; however, I think it was a very valuable lesson learned indeed...

[moimeme]

kclay - you hit the nail on the head. When you leave it to another to 'give' you something you 'need' to move on, you hand them power over you. The only person who should have power over you is you. This is where changing your thinking can help. If you're waiting for the other to do or say something, quit. Shut that door. Decide you don't 'need' that person to create 'closure' for you. Do it yourself and be your own person.