at a loss..

[lovebubble]

idk, my thoughts are all over the place right now and i'm trying to consolidate them but, it's hard.

 

my h and i recently went through a very brief seperation, where i moved out. he has always been the begger.. and i was always the one in control, waiting on him to come crawling back.. but, our last seperation didn't quite go like that. he texted me at least once a day but, gave me my space.. and didn't '' chase ''. after a week or so, i started responding to his texts and we mutually agreed to work it out, instead of him begging me back, per usual. after that seperation, he moved into my apartment and things were on track but, not quite the same. the love was there but, he submerged himself in his video games, and practically refused to do anything outside of the home with me. his only interest was sex. there was no fun, no spark. i told him how i felt and he listened but, nothing changed.

 

we got into an argument, and he left. it's been a week. he hasn't attempted to reconsile whatsoever. his last text to me was '' i do not trust you at all ''.. which was completely out of the blue, in which i responded with a pretty harsh and hateful round of replies. he did not respond, and hasn't in 2 days.

 

to me, it feels like an affair.. because his behaviour is changing or, maybe he's getting fed up with me? in which case, is totally understandable.

 

btw; we've been going to marriage counseling. he hates it, and only goes to please me. he told the counselor that he dosen't mind counseling, he just hates like the act of leaving the home (i.e his video games) to do this with me. i stopped forcing him to go and (obviously) counseling has changed absolutely nothing in our marriage.

 

i do not know what i want for our marriage, anymore. i love him, i love being married to him, i'd love to work it out.. i just don't know if it's possible anymore.

 

one question that i have is; he is in the military.. thus, we recieve BAH money. if this seperation is the real deal, should i persue OUR government money that was appointed to US for being married?? i'm sorry, i stress the US because it's always gone into his account and he's always refered to it as '' his '' money. the only reason this is in question is because i earn more money than him and part of me feels sorry for him.

 

also, would it be a good idea to go NC? I have a strong feeling that we will be together again. maybe he needs this break?

[RiceBall]

He sounds like a pain in the ass. Why exactly do you like about this guy???

[lovebubble]

He sounds like a pain in the ass. Why exactly do you like about this guy???

 

i like him because i married him and he is my first love.

[lkjh]

He sounds like a pain in the ass. Why exactly do you like about this guy???

 

I got the exact opposite picture. Sounds like the OP enjoyed playing games with her H and he had enough.

 

OP, the only way to get him back is to be honest and stop trying to control him.

 

Also, why wouldn't he trust you? Have you cheated on him?

[LisaUk]

Hi, you make it sound like you enjoy playing games with his affections, leaving when there is any problem in the marriage and getting him to chase you back? Is this right or am I way off beam?

 

It sounds to me, if the above is correct, that he has just had enough of this type of behviour. Maybe he wants to be able to tackle issues in the marriage, in the marriage, instaed of constantly seperating and him having to beg you back. Perhaps he feel MC is a waste of time, b/c he knows your past behaviour and knows if things don't go your way, you will leave?

 

Like I said, maybe I am way out of line, but that's how it reads to me.

[asdfg]

Even though his new ability to give you space and be less engaged/attatched stings a bit - it may be a blessing in disguise. It frees you from the guilt and worry. Now you aren't turning him away or abandoning him. Rather, he is heading off on his own accord. I'm sure there are lots of ladies who will enjoy his life style with him - and men who'll appreciate your brand as well. Sorry you're in a rough spot!

 

BTW: If you earn enough for yourself - I wouldn't touch his US $$$$

[lovebubble]

I got the exact opposite picture. Sounds like the OP enjoyed playing games with her H and he had enough.

 

OP, the only way to get him back is to be honest and stop trying to control him.

 

Also, why wouldn't he trust you? Have you cheated on him?

 

thank you. you're 100% right. i had control and i loved using it to boost my ego, throughout the whole relationship. i think my behaviour has numbed him, to an extent.

 

he dosen't trust me because he has extreme trust and insecurity issues, which i'm sure that the way i treated him didn't help at all. i have never cheated on him but, he is very insecure and always acuses me of such.

[lovebubble]

Hi, you make it sound like you enjoy playing games with his affections, leaving when there is any problem in the marriage and getting him to chase you back? Is this right or am I way off beam?

 

It sounds to me, if the above is correct, that he has just had enough of this type of behviour. Maybe he wants to be able to tackle issues in the marriage, in the marriage, instaed of constantly seperating and him having to beg you back. Perhaps he feel MC is a waste of time, b/c he knows your past behaviour and knows if things don't go your way, you will leave?

 

Like I said, maybe I am way out of line, but that's how it reads to me.

 

No, you're right. I did enjoy it, to an extent. I loved making him '' proove '' his love to me, and I guess he's finally had enough. I'm just going to try to be honest and heart felt during this seperation, like the poster above said. I held on to this '' bitch-front ''.. thinking that it kept me in control and dominant but, in the end.. all it did was make our marriage unbearable.

[LisaUk]

Hi Lovebubble

 

Did you really know you were doing this though? You are being incrediably honest to say that you knowingly did this in order to feed your ego.

 

I wonder if perhaps you do not know how else to communicate your needs in the realtionship?

[lovebubble]

Hi Lovebubble

 

Did you really know you were doing this though? You are being incrediably honest to say that you knowingly did this in order to feed your ego.

 

I wonder if perhaps you do not know how else to communicate your needs in the realtionship?

 

i don't think i did it purposely, at first. over the years, i noticed a pattern.. and through invididual counseling i've kinda come to terms with it. i have a '' my way or the highway '' attitude that has always effected my relationships with men. i have serious pride issues and it's blatant to the point where i realize it. it's just very hard for me to control. if i'm not being a bitch, or if i'm doing something selfless in the relationship, i feel out of control.

[LisaUk]

I think if you know you have control issues, this is where you will need to focus your energy in order to rebuild your marriage. Perhaps it is time to sit with your H and explain what is going on?

[hopesndreams]

Go back to him. You know you are the one in the wrong. So, go take the controls out of his hands, get him away from those video games long enough, so you can tell him just what you have told us.

 

do not know what i want for our marriage, anymore. i love him, i love being married to him, i'd love to work it out.. i just don't know if it's possible anymore.

 

It is possible only if you are the one to go to him, looks as though it's not going your way this time, and he won't be going to you any time soon. Besides, he has those video games to keep him company until he gets bored of them, which could have just been an escape for him from your controlling behavior.

[lovebubble]

guys, when i try to talk about the marriage.. it's like he emotionally checks out. i just think he dosen't love me like he used to.

 

i texted him, asking him about our anniversary tomorrow. it will be our one year marriage anniversary, and he texted back and basically threw it all back in my face.. and proceeded to ask me for money. he told me that i can show him that i care about him by helping him with money. i told him, when he starts caring about his marriage, to let me know.. i'll be here.. and he texted me back '' can we have sex tonight? ''. i just feel so... small.

[Gunny376]

The BAH is his money and it combined with VHA/COLA is an allowance for him to maintain separate quarters from the command,, (Just as BAS ~ Basic Allowance for Subsistence is an allowance to allow him to subsist separately from the command)

 

You don't have to be married to draw BAH, BAS ~ most branches allow a service member to do so once they reach a certain rank in the enlisted ranks. It varies from branch to branch ~ and command to command.

 

Unsuitable quarters on base may be a reason. Each rank "rates" certain accommodations etc. Again depending upon location, command, and branch of service.

 

The only thing that truly adjust depending if the service member has dependents is COLA.

 

For example the COLA (Cost Of Living Allowance) would be lower without dependents than it would be with dependents ~ given again location.

 

Now DOD regulations state that the dependent (be they husband or wife) are entitled to up to 80% of the service members base pay................

 

This isn't automatic, the dependent spouse would have to go before the command and explain the situation, with proof of debt obligations in hand and that the service member isn't meeting those obligations and the dependents are on the verge of going hungry, being evicted, etc.

 

The down-side to this would be it would probably subject the service member to charges under the UCMJ ~ making a bad situation even worse for everyone involved. (In the USMC or Navy ~ it would probably be a career ender. Not that they would court martial him ~ just not allow him to re-enlist at the end of his contract)

 

If warranted? The service member would have an 'involuntary allotment" made against him to the dependent spouse. He would be force to live in the barracks, eat in the chow hall, (whatever you want to call it)

 

This would go on until settled in civil (divorce) court.

 

Since you earn more than he does? This probably would not apply ~ as you would have to divulge any and all source of income.

 

When it does apply ~ it usually leads to some serious estrangement of emotions, impossible chance of reconciliation, ruined credit ratings, bankruputcy for both parties, foreclosures etc.

[Gunny376]

guys, when i try to talk about the marriage.. it's like he emotionally checks out. i just think he doesn't love me like he used to.

 

i text ed him, asking him about our anniversary tomorrow. it will be our one year marriage anniversary, and he text ed back and basically threw it all back in my face.. and proceeded to ask me for money. he told me that i can show him that i care about him by helping him with money. i told him, when he starts caring about his marriage, to let me know.. I'll be here.. and he text ed me back '' can we have sex tonight? ''. i just feel so... small.

 

Depending upon which branch of service he's in ~ his MOS (Military Occupational Speciality) and his security rating?

 

If he's a 'Top Secret" clearance ~ his credit rating and score are ran frequently.

 

If they fall? It could affect his career. Deny him re-enlistment, cost him his job, his career, etc.

 

In short? It could seriously screw him up for a long time.

[RiceBall]

How could I possibly think he is such a pain? Well you haven't said one good thing about the guy in all these posts. So far I've read...

he begs

he is obsessed with video games

he refuses to leave the house

his only interest with you is for sex, and he is downright rude about it

he is no fun

he doesn't trust you

he doesn't respond to you when you try to communicate with him

video games are more important to him than marriage conseling

you feel sorry for him

he is insecure

 

You like him because you married him? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Only your first year and already this much drama.

At least he is still open to sex. Maybe you could sneak in "I'm sorry for being such a b**ch" during the act. It won't do much good unless you have really woken up and changed yourself though.

[lkjh]

How could I possibly think he is such a pain? Well you haven't said one good thing about the guy in all these posts. So far I've read...

he begs

he is obsessed with video games

he refuses to leave the house

his only interest with you is for sex, and he is downright rude about it

he is no fun

he doesn't trust you

he doesn't respond to you when you try to communicate with him

video games are more important to him than marriage conseling

you feel sorry for him

he is insecure

You like him because you married him? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Only your first year and already this much drama.

At least he is still open to sex. Maybe you could sneak in "I'm sorry for being such a b**ch" during the act. It won't do much good unless you have really woken up and changed yourself though.

 

Did you not read the first post, he did these things because of the games she would play with him and now she is sorry. Ya the video games part isn't great but everyone has something that their partner doesn't like.

 

OP, your entire relationship you have made him show you that he loves you. Now its your turn to do that. It may be too late but there is only one way to find out.

[lovebubble]

The BAH is his money and it combined with VHA/COLA is an allowance for him to maintain separate quarters from the command,, (Just as BAS ~ Basic Allowance for Subsistence is an allowance to allow him to subsist separately from the command)

 

You don't have to be married to draw BAH, BAS ~ most branches allow a service member to do so once they reach a certain rank in the enlisted ranks. It varies from branch to branch ~ and command to command.

 

Unsuitable quarters on base may be a reason. Each rank "rates" certain accommodations etc. Again depending upon location, command, and branch of service.

 

The only thing that truly adjust depending if the service member has dependents is COLA.

 

For example the COLA (Cost Of Living Allowance) would be lower without dependents than it would be with dependents ~ given again location.

 

Now DOD regulations state that the dependent (be they husband or wife) are entitled to up to 80% of the service members base pay................

 

This isn't automatic, the dependent spouse would have to go before the command and explain the situation, with proof of debt obligations in hand and that the service member isn't meeting those obligations and the dependents are on the verge of going hungry, being evicted, etc.

 

The down-side to this would be it would probably subject the service member to charges under the UCMJ ~ making a bad situation even worse for everyone involved. (In the USMC or Navy ~ it would probably be a career ender. Not that they would court martial him ~ just not allow him to re-enlist at the end of his contract)

 

If warranted? The service member would have an 'involuntary allotment" made against him to the dependent spouse. He would be force to live in the barracks, eat in the chow hall, (whatever you want to call it)

 

This would go on until settled in civil (divorce) court.

 

Since you earn more than he does? This probably would not apply ~ as you would have to divulge any and all source of income.

 

When it does apply ~ it usually leads to some serious estrangement of emotions, impossible chance of reconciliation, ruined credit ratings, bankruputcy for both parties, foreclosures etc.

 

thank you. i have decided against persuing any financial support. he has not been using the bah to maintain seperate quarters, rather expecting me to pay rent, and pocketing the money.. but, whatever. i will pick up and be fine, financially and i hope the same for him.. thus not persuing the money.

 

thanks for the breakdown.

[lovebubble]

How could I possibly think he is such a pain? Well you haven't said one good thing about the guy in all these posts. So far I've read...

he begs

he is obsessed with video games

he refuses to leave the house

his only interest with you is for sex, and he is downright rude about it

he is no fun

he doesn't trust you

he doesn't respond to you when you try to communicate with him

video games are more important to him than marriage conseling

you feel sorry for him

he is insecure

 

You like him because you married him? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Only your first year and already this much drama.

At least he is still open to sex. Maybe you could sneak in "I'm sorry for being such a b**ch" during the act. It won't do much good unless you have really woken up and changed yourself though.

 

lol thank you but, he is not here to defend himself to to speak on my flaws. maybe i am a pain, as well? nobody is flawless. i have a long way to go, as far as changing myself.. so i am not going to attempt to reconsile just yet, just to have the same group of problems. i will be fine, with or without him, it just hurts terribly right now.

[lovebubble]

Did you not read the first post, he did these things because of the games she would play with him and now she is sorry. Ya the video games part isn't great but everyone has something that their partner doesn't like.

 

OP, your entire relationship you have made him show you that he loves you. Now its your turn to do that. It may be too late but there is only one way to find out.

 

you are so right. it's just, something within the core of me will not allow me to beg and/or appologize.. even then, i think a reconsiliation would lead us nowhere in the long run. i'm going to wait this one out, as much as it hurts. he leaves for training monday, for a month, which will give me more than enough time to think.. and figure out how bad i want to save this marriage.

[Gunny376]

thank you. i have decided against persuing any financial support. he has not been using the bah to maintain seperate quarters, rather expecting me to pay rent, and pocketing the money.. but, whatever. i will pick up and be fine, financially and i hope the same for him.. thus not persuing the money.

 

thanks for the breakdown.

 

It wasn't my intent to confuse you ~ HE still has a financial obligation to provide financial support to you as his dependent. To the extent that you don't go hungry/homeless.

 

You don't even have to go to court for this, just appeal to his commanding officer.

 

It just comes out of his base pay, not his BAH/BAS. Up to 80% of such. (Base pay is consistent ~ BAH isn't)

 

And this is irregardless of outstanding debt commitments.

 

Basically the command doesn't want some spouse starting a 'Con Grit' (Congressional Investigation) as to why a service member isn't supporting their dependents leaving them homeless and hungry out on the streets.

[TrustInYourself]

You recognize your flaws. Work on them. The games are an escape and an addiction. Something I had to face as well to reconcile with my wife. Give him time to realize what he wants.

 

Your focus needs to be changing for the better. Not trying to control him or get what you want from him. Break the cycle.

[lovebubble]

It wasn't my intent to confuse you ~ HE still has a financial obligation to provide financial support to you as his dependent. To the extent that you don't go hungry/homeless.

 

You don't even have to go to court for this, just appeal to his commanding officer.

 

It just comes out of his base pay, not his BAH/BAS. Up to 80% of such. (Base pay is consistent ~ BAH isn't)

 

And this is irregardless of outstanding debt commitments.

 

Basically the command doesn't want some spouse starting a 'Con Grit' (Congressional Investigation) as to why a service member isn't supporting their dependents leaving them homeless and hungry out on the streets.

 

lol now i'm confused.. but i appreciate the advice from someone who obviously is very knowledgeable on the situation. unfortunately, i don't have any of his work info, if i wanted to get in contact with any commanders or anything. never met them, nor do i know the necessary steps to persue anything like that. i've only been to his place of employment one time, riding by.

 

either way, without his financial support, i'd be able to upkeep my rent and eat well.. and without all of his income + bah i don't think he'd be able to say the same with his debt to income ratio.. and i know this is a stressful time, so i will leave him be.

[lovebubble]

You recognize your flaws. Work on them. The games are an escape and an addiction. Something I had to face as well to reconcile with my wife. Give him time to realize what he wants.

 

Your focus needs to be changing for the better. Not trying to control him or get what you want from him. Break the cycle.

 

thank you so much. i do know my flaws but, as you said.. those personality traits do seem very much so addicting and they're extremely hard to break but, i realize that without some type of change.. my marriage is doomed, and i think any relationship afterwards will be, as well.

 

i'm contemplating on whether or not i should continue counseling. up until now, we have been going in as a couple.. and i would feel bad going back, basically confirming to her that her help has failed us.. plus, i don't want to be persuaded into going back. i'm looking moreso for advice on how to heal myself, and be complete by myself.. and maybe eventually my husband and i will choose to work our marriage out. i have until monday to decide.

[lovebubble]

i woke up to a text today. i had a small glimpse of hope that maybe it was a '' happy anniverysary '' text from my husband, or even a reply to my suggestion that we should do dinner and talk about our marriage, being that it was our anniversary.. but, neither. it was him, though.. asking me for a favor. he wanted me to be at our rental tomorrow, to wait on a package that he was expecting. i declined.

 

so, he stopped by my apartment unanncounced, after work. i was very surprised. when i asked him why he was here, he said '' i dont know ''.. but, asked if he could use the bathroom. i invited him in, and he started questioning me about what i was doing and with who. i explained myself. i had went to the beach with my mother. he then got irate, accused me of not wearing my wedding ring ( i'm guessing he missed it. it was on my finger ), which i showed him that it was there.. and we exchanged some nasty words. he said '' i dont even know why i came here ''.. called me a slut, and some other derogatory names on the way out ( his lack of trust leads him to believe that i've been unfaithful during this seperation, i assume? although, i've never cheated on him ).. and he slammed the door, and left. very bad ending to today.