Dmoney28 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 I guess i'm writing this post to vent and get my feelings out. Its been almost a year since the break up, 3 months NC(4 years relationship), and i'm still carrying around this sadness. I still miss her, and care for her. The pain is gone. Not as intense as it was before. Its more like a dull lingering empty feeling. I am much better now than i was months ago, so i know im healing. I have been on a couple of dates with this really pretty girl i met a month ago. She is nice and down to earth...... but after all this time...i still miss ex. I cant shake the memories of her. It still feels like i have a void inside of me. A whole that i cant fill with anything right now. Not a day has gone by without me thinking about her. Granted i used to spend hours out of the day thinking about her and the relationship during those first 4 months after the break up. But now its like 10 minutes here and there a couple of times during the day. the memories fade in and out...sometimes clear as day ...other times as if they happened decades ago. Her words so many months ago still linger in my head...."you know i would have never left you if you had given me a fair chance in all this...if you wouldnt have pushed me out of your life for so long...if you would have given me a choice" I made so many positive changes in my life since then, my friends and family say i'm a completly diffrent person now. I no longer drink, or smoke. I'm open and honest with people now. Through my MANY, MANY psycholgist sessions i have learned how to deal with my Bi-polar ( proper medication and therapy has worked wonders), i have learned how to open up and deal with my issues. I read numerous self help books to improve my overall attitude. I have a new job finally and have enough money to move back out of my parents house( had to move in with them a year ago because i was laid off). I guess after all this time i grew up and matured. I guess thats the problem....i made all these changes after she left. I "grew-up" when she left. But im not sure i would have changed if she didnt leave. Her absence and the pain of not being in my life kinda slapped me back to reality. I was forced to step outside myself and ask some really serious questions..."why am i treating her this way?"..."why am i not showing her the love she deserved?"..."why cant i be open and honest?"..."why cant i love her the way she deserves?"..."why was i such a jerk" Over the past year, i have made so many changes i dont even recognize the "old me". It sucks, because i am finally the man i wanted be. I finally understand the things i did wrong in the relationship. I can now show her the same love that she showed me over those 4 years. The only thing she asked from me...was to love her. And its too late for me to do that. Sorry if this rant makes no sense. Like i said... i think i needed to get this off my chest. For the most part im doing ok. These feeling and memories seem like they will be with me forever. I never loved or had anyone love me this much. Now i know eventually im going to meet someone else, i kinda have already...but its just not the same. It dosent feel speacial like it did with my ex.....oh well..thats life i guess. Anyone else going through this as well?...i feel like a looser. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 D, This experience has simply made you better prepared for the next. It's time to get out there and start meeting women. I've been in your shoes and I'm telling you, once you pick yourself up and get back out there, your attitude will change for the better! Link to post Share on other sites
La de Longe Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Your rant makes perfect sense and I've definitely been through that. I guess the consolation I've tried to take from my experience is that having this connection with the person is what forced me to see all the flaws in myself and clean up my act. So even though at the end of it all I don't have the guy anymore I have better version of myself, which will last my entire life while the relationship most likely would have not. And I know that I couldn't of had both. At least that's what I'm telling myself. I still think about this guy 24 hrs a day (it only broke a few months ago) and I know he'll be in my mind for a long time. You sound like you're doing great though and if you've already come this far it's probably only going to get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dmoney28 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 thanks cali \guy and La de longe, its nice to know im not the only one going through this. And you're so right La de longe...i dont know if i would have been the better person i am now, if i didnt go through that horrible break up. It made me a better person overall. Although i know her memory will be with me for a very long time...i know in the next relationship its going to be better. I will know how to treat the next woman Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I feel your pain. It's one big paradox. I too probably never would have made any improvements if she didn't leave me, but now she's gone and I'm the person that she always wanted. Sometimes life sucks like that. I still hope that one day she comes back, that's the only way it would all make sense. Her leaving served a purpose, I've changed, and now we could make it work. I hope I'm not thinking about it 2 years later.... Link to post Share on other sites
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