wanted a break-changed my mind, now he wants one. I want to be together,what do I do?

[ml87]

I need some advice on what to do..

 

I had been with my boyfriend for a year and a half

our relationship has been perfectly fine until about a week and a half ago when I started thinking that maybe we should take a break, to sort of.. reaasure myself that I wanted to be with this person because it had been so long term. I loved him, I wasn't doubting that, but people had been talking about other being too young in long-term relationships and that its not always healthy...

so I took it to heart

 

for this past week and a half I was distant because I was thinking, and also had a lot of stuff to do. I could tell my boyfriend was feeling bad and he even told me he was not sleeping well.

 

well finally, in person, i decided to tell him I wanted a short break so we could see how it was not being in a relationship to reassure ourselves. He was very quiet, said he understood, and left.

 

An hour later I was talking to my best girl-friend and I decided I did not want to go through with this. It only took me that long to realize that I didnt care what other people said about long relationships and that I loved him so much and he is my best friend.

I called him and told him this.

 

He says to me that he decided that I was right and that we should take a break. He also tells me that for the past week the reason why he was upset, nervous, and not sleeping was because he could sense this was coming. So he explained that when I finally told him about the break, he felt said, but also some relief at the same time.

 

Because he was so stressed that week cause he knew something bad was going to happen, he associates the relationship with being stressful and told me that he thought a relationship is too stressful to have. He said that he knew he would regret this decision, but something was telling him it was right.

 

Of course I was so upset, I told him that if I had never said anything, he wouldve never made this decision...

 

that night I sent him many text messages saying stuff about old good times we had, called him, the next day sent him many text messages.

 

Then that night he called and left a voicemail that said, "I dont how to say this, but I just dont want a relationship anymore"

I called him back, we talked and I was a little desperate sounding and said that I was losing my best friend at the same time, and he said we could still be friends...

the conversation was not that long, and we got off the phone

 

that night I went over my best girl-friends house and she called him just to talk, to listen, not to be biased and say "take her back" because she has been friends with the family longer than I have.

They talked, he said he still loved him but was kind of stressed and just didnt think there should be a relationship.

 

The next morning I went to his house with a card because I couldnt take not seeing him. I also figured that if he saw me it might remind him how much he cared.

 

He was sleeping, I woke him up. We talked about nothing concerning the relationship, just good conversation. We even laughed a few times. I finally decided to lie down with him because I thought things were looking good. He did not respond negatively or positively. We talked some more, and he put on some music. Finally after almost 45 min, to an hour of talking, I thought we were good, and I decided to kiss him, I made a motion of going to kiss him and waited to see if he would respond. He said no.

 

I was crushed and I ran out of the room crying. Came back much calmer and said that I did not understand and he said things like "Im going to stick to my decision, I dont know, Im sorry, Ill have more time now" so I said bye, gave him a kiss on the forehead, then remembered my card and threw it at him and left.

 

My other good friend talked to him that day about what happened between us, and he said that I got him thinking, and that maybe I wanst the one for him because he hadnt had many girlfriends before me, and that he wanted to see how it was in a week.

 

Later that night he contacted me and said "I felt really upset today and..I dont want to be apart from you, but I dont want to be in a relationship, let's just say it's a break" and I said

"well when do you want to talk next..."

"how about Sunday" (this convo happened tuesday)

"when you talk do you want to..."

"go out to dinner?"

"sure"

then he had a short conversation about what he did that day.

 

later on he contacts me and says Sunday wont work because he probably wont have money. I owe him money, so I said I woould pay, and he said "I dont know..." and then he said he had some things to do so we would talk about it tomorrow. He hasn't contacted me since.

 

I have done everything in my power to not contact him, it his hard.

I have been friends with the family for about 3 years and am very close to his mother. I gave her a call and we both agreed not to let him know that I talked to her. She told me that she had talked to him about it and said things such as "I really care about her and Im close with her family.. this will be hard" and told her the basic story I just told you. He also told her about how I came over the house and said he felt really bad.

 

His mom gave the advice to not contact him in any way until Sunday to give him some space. She said that she bets that he will miss me and contact me in that time. She said if he does not, to call Sunday anyways and be casual, not talk about the relationship, and ask if there are still plans to hangout.

 

I miss him so much and realize that I started this mistake. I have realized that I truly want to be with him. The hardest part is for me to understand why we are not together. There wasnt any fight, no yelling at eachother during conversations, and there hadn't been anything wrong with the relationship up until the week where I was confused and making my decision.

 

I really want to get back together again, but Im afraid he will not miss me because I know he has continued to hangout with buddys alot and has work and I think that he will not have time to miss me, and might not even consider getting back together.

 

Also, I am worried that he is not planning on sunday since he has not talked to me about it.

 

Does ANYONE have any suggestions on trying to approach this in the right way and hopefully get our relationship back on track?? To me it does not seem like all is lost, but who knows with men.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

The decision to get back together cannot be influenced by anything you say or do at this time. If this has been a long term relationship, he knows enough about you to decide for himself whether he wants to get back with you or not. You said that before all of this happened, you two did not fight, or argue or shout or yell. This suggests to me that your boyfriend was pretty low key or an easy going guy who was not confrontational. Some people who are like that have low tolerance for stressful situations. They don't like it and can't deal with it. He started feeling this stress way before you told him that you wanted to take a break, and when you finally told him you wanted to take a break, the relief he felt was the relief from the stress...now he knew and he could move on. He sensed something was wrong and he didn't like the way he felt, so yes, he would equate that feeling with you and your relationship right now, and if he gets back with you, he may have anxiety about it happening again, since I'm sure you can't guarantee him it won't happen again. The fact that it happened during a long term relationship, just when everything was fine, probably freaked him out as well. So give him time. There is a possibility that he won't take you back, so prepare yourself for that also. I'm not saying that all hope is dead, and for future references, if you're satisfied in a relationship, if both of you are happy, and things are going good and its healthy, don't invite others into it by telling you how you should run it or not run it. Everyone has a viewpoint on what they would do or what they feel should be done and that may work for them and not you. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be young and be in an exclusive relationship and happy and satisfied at the same time. If that person makes you happy, what are you really missing out on?

[ml87]

Should I give him a call Sunday and be casual like many have been suggesting??

 

Should I still ask him about his offer to hangout Sunday?

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Sure why not? You do want to get back with him. There's nothing wrong with that....that's your goal. But be realistic also, and realize that at this point, you may have to settle for friendship. The question is, if that's all he wants, are you willing to settle for that?

[ml87]

as extremely hard as it would be for me, yes, I would be friends with him.

 

Since he has been my best friend throughout the relationship, I cant lose that. Also, just talking to him and seeing him makes me feel better... even if we arent cuddling or being romantic. I love him so much that I think I could settle for friends if it kept him in my life.

 

Of course... throughout being friends I would have the hope in my mind that it would be so fun and have good times that it would lead to the relationship again..

 

I was reading one of my mom's books and it said something about writing a "Love Letter" when you want to communicate something but dont want it to be emotional, and too needy

Its not actually a love letter, it is just a letter where you explain yourself and end with something positive

 

I have been considering this because Im not sure he truly understood why I 1st wanted the break, and why I believe that he is only wanting this break or end (still not sure what he wants) because I said something, and i believe this might be part of the problem.

 

do you think this is a bad idea if I wrote one and gave it to him sometime to read on his own?

 

oh man Im so scared because I KNOW that if got back together again we would be so much stronger because I am not confused anymore... I just dont want to lose him

[ThisGirlNameKD]

It could help, because I don't doubt that he still has feelings for you. He's just scared from the stressful situation he was in. I don't see anything wrong in letting him know why you felt you needed a break and how you realize that was a mistake. But right now, your loyalty is under question....he may feel that you're not loyal because you listened to your friends or others over what the both of you had. So now, you have to prove yourself. Just being there for him and being around him as a friend if he allows it, is the best thing you can do right now. If you can prove yourself loyal as a friend again, then maybe his feelings will soften again.

[Goatsbreath]

You need to give him the space. First off, his own mom is giving you advice on her son. You have the advantage here, she knows her son. Take her advice and let him think about things.

 

He is probably feeling insecure about the realationship because you asked to take a break. It is possible that he is making you wait it out and suffer because you initiated this break in the first place. Perhaps he figures if you initiated a break then there must be something behind that and you should truely understand what the break feels like so you get it out of your system.

 

Regardless of the reason, your role is the same. Stand off, let him know that you care and would very much like to continue your realationship but dont appear needy. If you pester him he is gone for sure/