What is this feeling?

[Gunny376]

Got confussed there for awhile because of the 'hi-jack'

 

"Love" is primarily a bio-chemical reaction that occurs in the brain, whose purpose is to ensure the continuation of the species.

 

The bio-chemicals that interact are stronger than crack and crystal meth. (Which BTW react on the very same neuron receptors)

 

Which is why you see people on the show "COPS" that just got shot, stabbed, beaten up begging the Cops not to take the "love of their life" away.

 

The fact of the matter is?

 

The very people that are the most damaging to us mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually ~ are some of the very ones we most definitely don't need in our lives!

 

Where in the Hell did you ever get it into your head that this was the best that you could do? The best that you deserved? All that you could do?

 

Enough already! Quit dragging this dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go!

 

You need this guy like you need another hole in your head!

 

What is he doing for you besides causing you misery and grief?

 

What is he doing for you besides causing you heartache and headache?

 

Is he part of the solution? Or part of the problem?

 

Is he part of the answers? Or part of the question?

 

Enough already!

 

Isn't it about freaking time to live your life for yourself!

 

Isn't about time for you to be happy for just once in your Life?

 

To live your life for you and yours!

 

Isn't it time to quit worrying about things not worth worrying about?

 

Isn't it time to quit worrying about things that really aren't your problems?

 

Isn't it time to wake up, strectch, yawn, and wake up with a smile on your face? And go "Yam, yam, yam!"

 

Isn't it time to feel good about yourself, your life!

 

Don't you deserve that! Aren't you entitled to that? Haven't you earned that!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Facing change (even if necessary) can be extremely difficult when you’ve spent so many years building your life around someone else. For ten years, your husband defined who you were, provided you with purpose and meaning... and now the foundation you built your past, present and future upon has been suddenly yanked out from under you.

 

Anyone would be reeling and set off balance by that. The transition is easier for your husband because you were never the center of his universe in the same way he was to you. His world revolved around chasing his first love (the high) and your loyalty to your family simply provided him with a safe place to fall and some assemblance of normalcy.

 

Like a lot of folks who’ve spent years in abusive or dysfunctional relationships, it’s likely you won’t even realize just how bad your situation really is/was until you’re a few years out and looking back. Then you’ll be wondering how you even found the strength to survived it at all! It’s ironic some of the awful treatment we are so easily conditioned to accept as ‘normal’ after years of learning to develop a thick skin in behalf of those we love.

 

Dack, I know you don’t feel like it now, but believe me, you’re stronger than you even realize. A lessor person couldn’t have lived like this for ten years and come out of it with their sanity and self esteem intact. Whether you’re aware of it yet or not, what you’ve been through has only made you stronger. Any challenge you face from here on out will seem like a walk in the park compared to this, I kid you not!

 

Now it is YOUR time. You’ve finally been paroled, and by Gawd, you deserve it! It’s your turn to become the center of your own universe and reinvent your life exactly how you would have imagined it before this man took you off course. Follow through with your plans to return to college, make some adult friends while there and beef up your gal-pal support network, and for Pete’s sake, go out a have a little innocent FUN for a change! (Not too much, cause you’re still a mommy )

 

Any baby step you begin to take towards your own bright future will put more distance between your ex husband and those unhappy memories. And you still get to keep all the best parts of it --- yourself and your children! At the end of the day, you might even come to realize you’re husband has done you a great favor by cutting your burden in half. Now you get live only for yourself and your children, those beautiful little people whose universe has always revolved around YOU.

 

I’m eleven years out from where you are now, and while I know you can’t see around that dark corner yet, believe me --- the view from here is WONDERFUL!!

[Molley]

Dack – I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through, I understand your pain, completely.

 

I know you’re hurting now and think this man was the only one for you, however… read over what you wrote about him and honestly ask yourself if he deserved you? Because it certainly doesn’t sound like he did. He used you, kept you away from your dreams, away from your friends, controlled you, was abusive to you. You do not need a man like that in your life, do not hold onto a broken man like that because he will always only cause your pain and sorrow. Give yourself some Grace to grieve over this loss, but remember that you will come out the other end a strong, much happier and better centered person. You need to focus on yourself and your children, let him be, because he’s not worth your tears and sorrow

 

I think with a bit more time, being away from him, you’ll come to see that you weren’t so much in love with him, as controlled and manipulated by him to believe that your life was only complete when he was in it. Love doesn’t mean unhappiness, being abused, being put down and taking care of a broken man. That is not love. He was a total user of your emotions, your love and your caring. Don’t allow him to take further advantage of you. Give only to those who make you happy, give to yourself, your children.

 

This man is not a good man for you, you have a path for life and happiness, go back to school, strengthen yourself, care for yourself. Seek out friends but above all, do not bargain with him because this type of a man will only cut your down and continue to use you in order to feed his own ego. Go through the stages of grief, depression, denial, ANGER (this is a good one…. It will allow you to again feel) and acceptance… but do not bargain with him… this man is scum, an abuser, a cheater, controller… now is your chance to break free of him and start living your life. He finally gave you a gift, probably the best and most important one he’ll ever give you… your freedom, TAKE IT AND RUN!!! Go into counseling and work on yourself…. You have much to offer, you’re a beautiful, loving and kind person. Another wonderful man will be out there to appreciate you and love you like you should be loved, once you are ready.

 

Congrats on the new addition to your family !

[Dack]

Got confussed there for awhile because of the 'hi-jack'

 

"Love" is primarily a bio-chemical reaction that occurs in the brain, whose purpose is to ensure the continuation of the species.

 

The bio-chemicals that interact are stronger than crack and crystal meth. (Which BTW react on the very same neuron receptors)

 

Which is why you see people on the show "COPS" that just got shot, stabbed, beaten up begging the Cops not to take the "love of their life" away.

 

The fact of the matter is?

 

The very people that are the most damaging to us mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually ~ are some of the very ones we most definitely don't need in our lives!

 

Where in the Hell did you ever get it into your head that this was the best that you could do? The best that you deserved? All that you could do?

 

Enough already! Quit dragging this dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go!

 

You need this guy like you need another hole in your head!

 

What is he doing for you besides causing you misery and grief?

 

What is he doing for you besides causing you heartache and headache?

 

Is he part of the solution? Or part of the problem?

 

Is he part of the answers? Or part of the question?

 

Enough already!

 

Isn't it about freaking time to live your life for yourself!

 

Isn't about time for you to be happy for just once in your Life?

 

To live your life for you and yours!

 

Isn't it time to quit worrying about things not worth worrying about?

 

Isn't it time to quit worrying about things that really aren't your problems?

 

Isn't it time to wake up, strectch, yawn, and wake up with a smile on your face? And go "Yam, yam, yam!"

 

Isn't it time to feel good about yourself, your life!

 

Don't you deserve that! Aren't you entitled to that? Haven't you earned that!

 

You have motivated and inspired me -- thank you -- It is time to live again --

[Dack]

Facing change (even if necessary) can be extremely difficult when you’ve spent so many years building your life around someone else. For ten years, your husband defined who you were, provided you with purpose and meaning... and now the foundation you built your past, present and future upon has been suddenly yanked out from under you.

 

Anyone would be reeling and set off balance by that. The transition is easier for your husband because you were never the center of his universe in the same way he was to you. His world revolved around chasing his first love (the high) and your loyalty to your family simply provided him with a safe place to fall and some assemblance of normalcy.

 

Like a lot of folks who’ve spent years in abusive or dysfunctional relationships, it’s likely you won’t even realize just how bad your situation really is/was until you’re a few years out and looking back. Then you’ll be wondering how you even found the strength to survived it at all! It’s ironic some of the awful treatment we are so easily conditioned to accept as ‘normal’ after years of learning to develop a thick skin in behalf of those we love.

 

Dack, I know you don’t feel like it now, but believe me, you’re stronger than you even realize. A lessor person couldn’t have lived like this for ten years and come out of it with their sanity and self esteem intact. Whether you’re aware of it yet or not, what you’ve been through has only made you stronger. Any challenge you face from here on out will seem like a walk in the park compared to this, I kid you not!

 

Now it is YOUR time. You’ve finally been paroled, and by Gawd, you deserve it! It’s your turn to become the center of your own universe and reinvent your life exactly how you would have imagined it before this man took you off course. Follow through with your plans to return to college, make some adult friends while there and beef up your gal-pal support network, and for Pete’s sake, go out a have a little innocent FUN for a change! (Not too much, cause you’re still a mommy )

 

Any baby step you begin to take towards your own bright future will put more distance between your ex husband and those unhappy memories. And you still get to keep all the best parts of it --- yourself and your children! At the end of the day, you might even come to realize you’re husband has done you a great favor by cutting your burden in half. Now you get live only for yourself and your children, those beautiful little people whose universe has always revolved around YOU.

 

I’m eleven years out from where you are now, and while I know you can’t see around that dark corner yet, believe me --- the view from here is WONDERFUL!!

 

Thank you for understanding ME -- it is so nice to know that someone else understands -- and, thank you for sharing your own experiences -- it's also nice to know that I'm not alone and I can and will get through this -- I'm not feeling emotional tonight, thankfully -- it usually hits me when it gets dark outside but I'm not feeling that it will come when it gets dark in an hour or so --

 

Matter of fact, I am ready for the divorce -- it probably won't be pretty because there is a child involved but, I want to make it as clean as possible -- he is never open for discussion so, there is no discussing divorce -- it just has to be done without forewarning -- if he gets jolted, he gets jolted -- that is not a problem of mine --

 

I feel badly for the next girl -- hopefully, he will treat her a little better but, I truly doubt it -- he is what he is and no one but he can change it --

 

Thank you again for all of your encouragement -- it is motivating and encouraging --

 

Hugs

[Dack]

Dack – I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through, I understand your pain, completely.

 

I know you’re hurting now and think this man was the only one for you, however… read over what you wrote about him and honestly ask yourself if he deserved you? Because it certainly doesn’t sound like he did. He used you, kept you away from your dreams, away from your friends, controlled you, was abusive to you. You do not need a man like that in your life, do not hold onto a broken man like that because he will always only cause your pain and sorrow. Give yourself some Grace to grieve over this loss, but remember that you will come out the other end a strong, much happier and better centered person. You need to focus on yourself and your children, let him be, because he’s not worth your tears and sorrow

 

I think with a bit more time, being away from him, you’ll come to see that you weren’t so much in love with him, as controlled and manipulated by him to believe that your life was only complete when he was in it. Love doesn’t mean unhappiness, being abused, being put down and taking care of a broken man. That is not love. He was a total user of your emotions, your love and your caring. Don’t allow him to take further advantage of you. Give only to those who make you happy, give to yourself, your children.

 

This man is not a good man for you, you have a path for life and happiness, go back to school, strengthen yourself, care for yourself. Seek out friends but above all, do not bargain with him because this type of a man will only cut your down and continue to use you in order to feed his own ego. Go through the stages of grief, depression, denial, ANGER (this is a good one…. It will allow you to again feel) and acceptance… but do not bargain with him… this man is scum, an abuser, a cheater, controller… now is your chance to break free of him and start living your life. He finally gave you a gift, probably the best and most important one he’ll ever give you… your freedom, TAKE IT AND RUN!!! Go into counseling and work on yourself…. You have much to offer, you’re a beautiful, loving and kind person. Another wonderful man will be out there to appreciate you and love you like you should be loved, once you are ready.

 

Congrats on the new addition to your family !

 

You are right, he did not deserve me -- I am better than all of that and, it sure does feel good to know that I am not wrong in this -- when I asked him if he felt relieved and better now that we're not together, he said "All I know is that it couldn't have been all me." Could it? It takes 2 to argue but one to start it and become unreasonable -- I've never been an unreasonable person -- whenever I'd stick up for myself with his accusations, he'd get angrier and yell at me to drop it -- life truly is more peaceful without him actually living with me -- there are some future storms that I'll have to prepare for but, I'm on the right track.

 

Thank you for all of your encouragement and self-esteem building -- I AM better than that! It takes a rude-awakening like this to realize my own worth -- my worth has been beat down for so long!

 

Hugs

[Molley]

You are BETTER than him, believe that. We're all here for you Dack. If you do not feel safe talking to him about divorce, contact a lawyer, get the process started and request a restraining order. Make him only speak to the lawyer about the divorce instead of you. If you can, change the locks so that he doens't have free access to your place any longer, protect yourself at this point, both financially and physically. Don't allow him to down grade you any longer, you're much better than that.

 

Just relax this evening and enjoy the peace you have without him around .

[Gunny376]

You have motivated and inspired me -- thank you -- It is time to live again --

 

 

Damn freaking straight!

 

That's what us Gunny's are for!

 

To get you motivated!

 

Get yourself busy living your Life!

 

Quit wasting it on the this @zzhat!

 

I'm trying hard not to "walk-tall" on a co-worker's husband @zz with a hickory ax handle that's been splitting her lip?

 

I don't have any involvement?

 

Nor interest!

 

But I won't stand for any man putting a hand upon a woman!

[Dack]

Damn freaking straight!

 

That's what us Gunny's are for!

 

To get you motivated!

 

Get yourself busy living your Life!

 

Quit wasting it on the this @zzhat!

 

I'm trying hard not to "walk-tall" on a co-worker's husband @zz with a hickory ax handle that's been splitting her lip?

 

I don't have any involvement?

 

Nor interest!

 

But I won't stand for any man putting a hand upon a woman!

 

I love you Gunnys -- a special breed

 

I refuse to waste any more time on him -- at least for the moment, until I file for divorce -- after that, it's only to interact b/c of our daughter --

 

Thank you --

[Dack]

And, please remind your co-worker that assault and battery and spousal abuse is against the law -- as much as you'd like to walk tall on her spouse, just remember that your clean criminal record and personal freedom is more valuable to you than a low-life piece of @@&% like him. She would only defend him, anyway. It's how it works.

 

Please forgive the cursing -- it's righteous under the circumstances --

[Dack]

You are BETTER than him, believe that. We're all here for you Dack. If you do not feel safe talking to him about divorce, contact a lawyer, get the process started and request a restraining order. Make him only speak to the lawyer about the divorce instead of you. If you can, change the locks so that he doens't have free access to your place any longer, protect yourself at this point, both financially and physically. Don't allow him to down grade you any longer, you're much better than that.

 

Just relax this evening and enjoy the peace you have without him around .

 

Thank you, Molley --

 

I find my feelings from the past couple of day a bit strange -- I'm back to feeling indifferent to the situation -- no anger, pain -- Monday, I'm going down to file for divorce --

[Dack]

And today, Saturday, I feel lonely and alone. I don't miss the abuse -- just having a body in the house. I can't say I miss having a body next to me because we've never slept in the same bed. Always an excuse why we couldn't.

 

But, I still feel the relief of being "him" free -- no turmoil at the moment.

 

Lonely, lonely, lonely -- no motivation -- I need to tear out my carpet today and, at 3:00 pm, completely unmotivated to move the furniture around to do so --

 

I've always felt lonely -- and empty -- but, it's 10 times worse than ever, right now --

[Molley]

Dack - dont sit alone in the house. Call a friend, go out to dinner, a movie, a walk... anything. Just get out... sitting alone at home at this point, so early in your recovery... will only make you think about him and that's not what you need to be doing right now.

 

If you can't find a friend, go to the movies by yourself, just go out and have some fun.... you don't need his warm body to complete your life.

[Dack]

Dack - dont sit alone in the house. Call a friend, go out to dinner, a movie, a walk... anything. Just get out... sitting alone at home at this point, so early in your recovery... will only make you think about him and that's not what you need to be doing right now.

 

If you can't find a friend, go to the movies by yourself, just go out and have some fun.... you don't need his warm body to complete your life.

 

Thank you, Molley -- no money, no friends -- my only friends are my family and, even though they're always available to me, I don't want to be too burdensome, even though they don't make me feel that way --

 

He made sure I didn't have any friends--

 

I don't need his warm body -- can't miss something you never had --

 

I did take my daughter w/her friends to the mall today and, took her grandmother to visit her hubs, who will be coming home, soon -- I do feel a little bit better -- will take a walk here in awhile -- my brother will be coming over, tomorrow -- going to replace my carpet --

 

Thank you for your encouragement and advice -- it helps -- I feel comforted --

[Dack]

Grandbaby #2 was born this morning -- a boy -- went down there and waited in the lobby during delivery but, can't actually see the baby until visiting hours --

 

And, of course, soon to be ex husband was there looking gloomy and sad -- I only know that it's because he's sulking over our split -- I've not seen emotion like that from him since the day I kicked him out -- His pain does not even touch the pain I've been through all of these years and I don't feel a bit sorry for him -- if he has half a heart, he'll eventually realize how badly he's treated me all of these years -- of course, it's too late to reconcile -- the divorce will be begun, tomorrow morning -- his bad!

[Dack]

He holds no ill-will against me and HE forgives ME? This is what he said (again) last night.

 

And, I'm on SSI and AFDC (but in college to better myself and hopefully get a good job -- this is my 2nd year) and he told me that I should report he living out of the home and my daughter living with him so he doesn't have to pay child support (I reported him, not her) -- oh, and, he's just finishing a piece job (he doesn't report his earnings and, it was a freak job -- he's never had a real job since I've met him -- and he claims to be self-employed and never gets much work) and he tried to convince me that he wanted to be custodial parent of our daughter because 1: He doesn't want to pay child support -- (side note: his only reason for ever marrying me in the 1st place) and 2: He didn't want the money that he earned on this job to be docked out of my monthly allowance.

 

He was trying to convince me that his intentions were noble and selfless -- after all of these years, he becoming the man I've always wanted him to be?

 

He's telling me that his drug counseling is making a difference for HIM.

 

So, he wants me to report her gone and living with him because he can't afford child support and can't afford to lose his driver's license -- here's the funny thing:

 

We live in California. He hasn't had a valid driver's license since he was 16 yrs old because of his drivng record and DUIs -- so, he thought he'd manipulate the system (as he always does) and sign papers in California stating that he was going to leave to Okalhoma (out of state) for 3 years -- he then went to Oklahoma, where his mom is and who has also always helped him to manipulate people/things and bailed him out of trouble and who didn't raise him because she was busy with her different men that made him think she was a hooker -- and she allowed him to use her address to get himself an Oklahoma driver's license -- he came directly back here, totes his Oklahoma DL and is waiting for another year (or 2, don't remember how much longer he has) so that he can turn his OK license in for a valid Ca driver's license -- that way, he didn't have to take the time or energy to fulfill his requirements to get his valid driver's license -- oh, and, from his last divorce, there was 3 months' worth of child support that he had to pay before he snake oiled custody of his oldest daughter -- oh, and this is how he did that:

 

He told me (laughing) that he had the girlfriend that he left his wife for sign the custody papers in his ex's name and then signed a paper stating that they had her served. Of course, she was never served and, when it came to court time, she didn't show up and the custody hearing went uncontested. The only reason I believe what he bragged about is because it is something that he would do. He's a manipulator -- a cheat in every sense of the word and, he's used to getting his way -- when he was little and mommy DID have him, she pampered him -- when he'd get into trouble, she always bailed him out -- he is truly a con artist - big time --

 

Anyway, so, he wants me to report my daughter as being out of the home so that "I" don't get docked because of "his" earnings -- considering that I've never seen him report his cash earnings to the IRS -- oh, yes, and as a lesser selfless note, so that he doesn't have to pay child support because he can't afford that or to lose his "valid" driver's license --

 

Hmm...

 

I'm going down today to get the divorce rolling -- I will ask for joint custody with me as the custodial parent -- he won't like it and it might upset her because he's probably going to make a big deal of it but, oh well --

 

HE forgives ME -- the one he controlled, wouldn't allow me to work ever, wouldn't allow me to have friends, told me what to think and say, put me down for the things that I did say -- never let me go anywhere except for to the store once in awhile but, at that, he insisted on doing all of the business running around -- the only reason he "let" me go to college is because I was telling my brother in front of him that I think I'll go to college and my brother encouraged me to go for it -- in front of hubs -- my brothers are cops -- he's not going to say no to me now that they know about it -- plus, the financial aid was an incentive for him to "allow" me to go --

 

HE forgives ME and he holds no ill-will against me -- I told him "Why would you hold ill- will against me? I've done nothing to you" I don't remember what he responded with because I was too pissed about the whole thing -- he thought my tears were sad tears -- they were MAD tears --

 

I'm going down today and filing for divorce and joint custody with me as the custodial parent -- my 10 yr old may get upset with me but, I hope she loves me enough to get over it -- she'll have to -- I don't care if I lose $$ through all of this -- he wants her so he doesn't have to pay child support and I want her because I love her, can't live without her and feel that his behavior is an endangerment to my baby girl -- not only that, I have her most of the time, anyway -- and I like it that way -- I love spending time with her and she reciprocates -- she and the rest of my children are my world -- my life -- always have been --

[Dack]

Oh, yeah, and, he would carry all of my bank cards/other cards with cash on them around -- he would never "allow" me to have any of them -- ever -- you see, he doesn't have his own bank account because he kept himself overdrawn -- they closed the account on him and he hasn't been allowed to have a bank account -- the only reason that I have this account is because when he burned our home down and we were homeless for 4 months and the girls and I were staying with my brother without him (my brother, a cop -- soon to be ex, a drug addict) -- this was when I first got on SSI (I almost died -- was in a coma -- a few probs) -- I took the initial SSI check and opened up bank account -- I was scared about it because I thought he was going to be angry - his was purely mind control -- but, at the encouragement of my sis in law, I opened the account -- and, at the time, it was a FED CR UN tha could only be opened with the signature of a current member -- it is truly a wonderful bank --

 

Anyway, so, since his account was shut down and he can't open one, he always crybabied that he doesn't have a bank account and I do -- but, I don't understand the difference: he never "let" me have my own cards, anyway -- plus, the card doesn't have a visa logo on it because he abused that, too -- everything was always a competition with him and, I'm the one who did him wrong by taking my love from him and he doesn't know what he's done to deserve my maltreatment of him --

 

PFT!

[Dack]

Oh and he's never had a vehicle in his name -- they were always in my name and because he couldn't be insured, I've had a judment against me because of an accident he was in (he's been in several) --

 

Now, since I've released liablity to him, he's putting his vehicles in our 21 yr old daughter's name --

 

I did sell one of his vehicles to pay bills that he left us behind in -- that I didn't know we were behind -- he wasn't happy but, I did what I needed to do -- he never allowed me to drive that one, anyway -- never even had extra keys to his trucks and, he wasn't happy when I got my car and I was only allowed to drive it with his permission -- he always had a reason as to why he should be driving it (gas mileage) and not me - I was lucky to drive at all -- had I met him before I got my own license, I probably wouldn't have one today -- he wouldn't allow his ex-wife to get a driver's license but, at the age of 39, she finally got herself one -- hooray for her --

[Dack]

But, HE forgives ME -- I'm a lucky woman!

[lupa]

I mean, I couldn't even read half of what you posted because it seems so incredible!

 

wash your hands, you're done with this clown.

[Dack]

Thank you, Lupa and agreed -- I was going to begin the divorce today but, my daughter's out of school today (will be back tomorrow) and I didn't want to get the papers in front of her -- I will be up and at em early tomorrow, taking care of paperwork -- he never was the one for me -- I would say "man" for me but, he isn't a man, he's an irresponsible, selfish, emotionally stunted child

[Dack]

This is what I mean by endangering behavior of my husband:

 

A week after I came home from coma/physical therapy and he was tweaking (of course), he had a few old vehicles in the driveway and he wanted to syphon some gas from one of them. He didn't have a flashlight (it was at night) so, he used his lighter for light. He put it directly under the old gas tank, started the fire but, that one didn't make the place unlivable.

 

A week after that incident, again, he wanted to syphon gas from another old vehicle in the driveway but, he didn't like the gasoline in his mouth. His solution was to use a shop vac. Needless to say, that fire made the home unliveable and we became homeless for four months until I found this place. I came up with the downpayment and my SSI has been paying for it mostly ever since.

 

Now, my 10 yr old slept on the pull-out couch in the livingroom (she didn't like to sleep in her own room), which, the couch was on the other side of the wall where my stove sits. About 6 months ago at 3 in the morning, I was awakened by a large kitchen explosion, that I thought was a gas explosion. I ran in, adrenaline running, made sure my daughter was okay and noticed him sleeping through the entire thing. He had boiled water, set a spray paint can in it to get it to spray better, forgot about it, took a seroquel and fell asleep.

 

Our 21 yr old and her b/f at the time had gotten a puppy (in his name) when she was 16 years old. She did everything with and for him but, when he got too big (he's very large), she left him here in our small yard sitting behind a small, electric-fenced area because he bites kids. STBXH says he plans to (irresponsibly) take the dog to his alleged new home and expose my 10 yr old to his unpredictability. He has already previously bit her, broke the skin but, didn't bring blood, as he has also done to a neighbor child.

 

I can't let these types of things happen, anymore. I can't allow my daughter to be exposed to these dangers, not to mention all of the times he has drank/tweaked and driven, brought people home from the bars after I'd asked him not to disrespect our home like that and all of the lying and cheating. Our 10 yr old has no idea of any of this stuff that's happened nor the jail/prison time he has served. I'm not evil like that.

 

I certainly wouldn't make her feel bad by telling her because he is her daddy but, why doesn't he just think about anyone else but himself once in awhile? He expects for everyone else to cater to his needs, wants and desires and gives barely enough to keep the loyalty from them. He's like a locust and devours without a thought to how he makes others feel.

[Dack]

Right now, I'm just venting. It truly helps just to write it all down.

 

I remember when I had just come out of the coma and progressively was put on the regular floor. I wasn't able to move (physical therapy took care of that). I couldn't move anything except my neck. I couldn't feed myself, sit up, stand or even repositions my legs or turn over in the bed.

 

One night, while my roomie was sleeping, stbxh came in and started asking me for one-sided oral sex right there in my bed. I told him "no" and he started to rant and rave in a low tone, his eyes bulging, face turning red, stomped out cursing and then came back in still begging. I could hardly even speak, my voice too low but, if I could have, I would have called the nurse in and asked her to escort him out of there because he really scared me -- ultimately, I did not give him what he ranted for.

 

He used to have me performing while he drove. It was just so nasty knowing that he'd been with other women and it gave him another high just to have me perform after he'd been with them. I do hope that all of this isn't too much of an over-share for anyone but, it does help to just let it all out.

 

I often wonder if he has other children running around out there. I asked him once and he said "no" but, I've never fully trusted that. No one ever came knocking and there was no child-support demands from anyone but, as slickery as he is, I could imagine that he is slickery enough to keep all of that from me. He could easily have managed keeping another girl without my knowledge and keeping her quiet.

 

During this past year, he was a regular at the bar; the sleaziest one in town, no less. He has other girls' phone numbers programmed in his cell phone but claims that he was only helping them fix their cars for money. He has nothing but double standards. Sure, he's invited me there a few times, wanting me to meet the girls and his "friends" there but, what kind of mom would I be to spend money I don't have at the bar when I could be spending what I don't have on my children?

 

He claimed that he never spent money at the bar and that everyone else bought his drinks. That is just too unbelievable to believe. He would laugh and whoop it up with his bar friends and come home and rant and rave at me. It never took much for him to snap at me, especially if I wanted to just hold a casual conversation with him or joke around with him.

 

Whenever I'd laugh at something that was too funny not to laugh at, he would yell at me to shut up because he was watching a movie. Eventually, the laughter and joy left and depression settled in. He would come home from the bar and expect for me to serve him dinner in his chair and complained that I didn't go all out to cook the way I used to. I was a great babysitter while he was out playing and then tell me that we don't have the money to buy or go do something that I wanted to do yet, we had the money for his drug/alcohol habit and the toys he bought for himself.

 

Just venting. I apologize if I over-step my bounds in my posts. I don't mean to and if it's offensive to anyone, I will gladly remove. Thank you for listening. Going to go see my grandson, now. I don't want to see or talk to him but, it is what it is. It's inevitable that he will be there.

[Dack]

Hello, all. Haven't been in here for awhile. The divorce is well on it's way and I'm having some real bad days. He went back to tweaking and now wants my 10 yr old, who is my baby. It's such a long story but in short, he's putting her in the middle and making me look like the bad guy. I filed the divorce papers, had him served and, he never responded so I filed the default papers. If it all goes well, I'll get everything I'm asking for, and I'm not asking for alimony, just custody of my baby. This is jumping back and forth but tonight, I'm feeling a bit emotional. Don't want to talk about it all but could use a hug or two. Thanks -- it's 8:40 pm and I have school tomorrow. Getting through this semester is a challenge because of all that's going on. Haven't been getting much sleep. Hope I pass my courses this semester -- even if it's a bare pass, I'll take it.

[soheartbroken]

Hi Dack. Big hug. Sorry to hear about about this latest development.

 

Glad to see you posting though, but wish it were under different circumstances.