shopgrl Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 This is an off the wall, off topic question but I need some points of view. My boyfriend's friend is soon to be married in early January. For his bachelor party, he would like to go to a strip club, gamble and so fourth. Keep in mind, these guys are all in their early 30s. My boyfriend asked me what my thoughts were and if I'd be mad if he went (he's the best man). I didn't know what to say so I dodged the question and just said we'd talk about it later. The truth is... I don't like the idea at all and it has nothing to do with not trusting him because I trust him wholeheartedly. But, I feel as though he'd be disrespecting me by going, if that makes any sense. I think he knows that I don't like the whole strip club thing because we've talked about it before. I just don't want to sound overbearing or controling by telling him that he cannot go. Any thoughts or suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Amberlyn Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 If he's the best man for the wedding, he's probably not gonna get out of it easily at all. And if he tries, he's going to get ridiculed for being whipped. I think if I were you I would just express that you don't like it, but you understand that he's got an obligation to his friend, and say that you trust him to not touch. I don't think that one trip to a strip club as part of organizing a bachelor party will threaten your marriage or anything, especially if he has stayed out of them before now to show you respect. I wouldn't like the situation either - so I would just try to be as understanding as possible and keep in mind that you DO trust him, that he does love you, and that he's only doing this because of his friend's wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Well, I'll tell you from direct experience that when a guy can't go to a stripclub because of the girl in his life, it's a huge disappointment. You can't really exclude that guy from things 'cuz that'd be crappy, but come ON. It's a BACHELOR PARTY. What are they gonna do, go bowling and play puttputt? Link to post Share on other sites
Grace Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 I hope this helps. I'm a female and I have 3 bachelors that I live next door to. There's a group of 20 guys that they all hang out with. They're are all getting engaged/married and stuff. My bachelor neighbors (for some reason) always have bachelor parties for their friends at their house (all aged 24 - 30). I get to hear all the loud yelling and roudiness....lucky me. Well a year ago, they were being so loud, a friend and I went over to see what was going on. They were having a bachelor party. We ended up talking to them for a bit and then they invited us to stay. So my friend and I did. As the night went on, they started talking about the big van they rented that was coming to pick them up soon to take them to a strip club ..... An all nude club (no booze is allowed in an all nude club). The guys invited us to go. After much hesitation, we finally gave in and decided to see what it was like. Every single one of those guys who had a girlfriend/wife/fiance were not reallly that into it once they got there. I asked each one what they thought. They thought....ok, it's getting old, let's go to a bar now. Every single one of those guys couldn't wait to get back home to their significant others, because they were all in love with their girlfriends/wives (1/2 the girls in there are very unattractive anyway). If your man really loves you and you trust him, then DO NOT give him a hard time and tell him he can't go. You have to give him some rope and trust that he'll be good (besides you're not allowed to touch the girls). It's not disrespecting you, it has nothing to do with you. It's a guy thing. If you're secure with yourself and the relationship, then it shouldn't even be a concern to you whatsoever. Your man will actually appreciate you more and think of you as a "cool chick" if you just blow it off and let it go. The whole time he'll be thinking about you and he'll probably want to see you after the bachelor party. That's what 1/2 the guys at this party did. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 I think it all depends on what the "couple" is comfortable with and the relationship boundaries they've set. I don't believe in "double standards" based on gender, however. If your boyfriend would honestly be comfortable with you going to a male strip club with the girls, then by all means, fair is fair. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 It would really be unfair of you to keep the best man out of his friend's bachelor party. At least they are going to a controlled environment - a club - where there are rules! I'd be a LOT more worried if my guy was going to a party where they were going to hire in a stripper at somebody's house. By letting him go, you'll show him you're a good sport and his pals will envy him for having a great wife. I echo those who are saying he is not 'disrespecting' (GAWD how I HATE that word!) you by going. He's trying to be 'one of the guys' with his friends. You are showing disrespect for him and distrust of him by not 'allowing' him to go, aren't you? Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 I have been in the same situation earlier this year. My bf's brother was getting married and he was the best man. They got hotel rooms, the whole party van idea, went to a bar and to a strip club. He came home early the next morning. He then told me that everyone there had a lap dance. This is what bothered me. He said that he couldn't very well turn it down because someone else bought it for him and everyone was buying each other lap dances. I expressed my disliking of it. I'm sure there will be many more bachelor parties in the future (he has many unmarried friends and we are still young...mid 20's). I can't stand the thought of the lap dance though. I think he can say no if he wants to without being made fun of. What do you think? It was hard to get the image out of my mind about some half naked woman up in my bf's face and he's enjoying it! It still bothers me when I think about it so I really try not to. I understand what you are going through. I agree that you should let him go and trust him but maybe set some boundaries. I love my bf and trust him but I'm with you, I would rather my bf never go to a strip club for any reason! Link to post Share on other sites
Author shopgrl Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 raine- Ewwww--the whole lap dance thing-- it makes me want to puke! I agree with you that your bf could have refused the lap dance. For god's sake, he could've passed it on to the groom-to-be and I'm sure no one would've made fun of him! I never thought about lap dances (stupid me!!) but if my bf does go there will definitely be some boundries-- namely- no lap dances! Actually, I think "no lap dances" could go unsaid because he shouldn't want to get one! As shallow as it sounds, if he got a lap dance I don't think I could be with him because, like you, that image would be in my mind all the time and I would resent him. Seriously, I consider it just as bad as cheating.... What does your bf think about you going to strip club to watch guys strip? I haven't been to one since my bf and I have been together (actually I was only at one once in my life about 6 yrs ago) but my bf claims that if I went he wouldn't mind. Somehow I find that hard to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Tell me about it. No more lap dances for him!!! If he goes to another bachelor party and does that again. I don't think I can take it. He better learn how to refuse. It really does disgust me! He most likely wouldn't mind me going to a male strip club but personally I don't feel the need because I have a bf and he is all I need. I guess if it were a bacheloret party but I don't think I would get any lap dances. I feel your pain. Good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 There are two strip clubs right outside of the Navy base where I work. We go there as a group after work all the time. I'm usually the only woman with the guys....It's NO BIG DEAL! I think if a guy wants to stand there making an idiot out of himself by putting money in a garter just to get a peak....who cares??? GAWD...it's not like those girls are "relationship competition"....nor do they want to be. It's just a job! Most men enjoy porn and naked women.....It doesn't make them bad creatures. Just NORMAL red blooded men!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Grace Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Having gone to a total of 3 bachelor parties in my life and being a woman, I can definitely tell you that the lap dances are really no big deal. The guys can't touch the woman and the women are really skanky looking. Everyone's able to watch the lap dance (unless given a private room which is way too expensive.) The lap dances were $20 and only last (at the most) 2 min. The guys weren't even turned on they said (semi...if you know what I mean... is what they told me). Half the bachelors said it made them feel a little uncomfortable (and like I said before) wanting to go home to their wives and girlfriends. Just relax and let it go. It's really not a big deal. After witnessing first hand how bachelor's really act and how all of them wanted to leave after 30 min., I couldn't care less if any of my boyfriends wanted to go to one. I'd rather it be a strip club where the guys can't even touch the girl and everyone watching, rather than a hotel room. Please be the cool chick and don't say another word about it. It really and truly isn't a big deal....It's a guy thing. Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 To me it isn't a matter of cheating. I don't think my bf would cheat on me with anyone not even a stripper if he could. It is a matter of someone, live and up close, half naken in my bf's face. What is the need for it? He told me he enjoyed it and it made me sick to my stomach. He also said that the ladies there were indeed attractive, not skanky looking. Porn at least is in pictures. I think it is disrespectful in the sense that it makes the other person feel they are good enough. I understand bachelor parties are bachelor parties and can see the groom getting a lap dance but must everyone? If lap dances are not a big deal then it shouldn't be a big deal not to get one, right? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Thank god where i live lap dances were illegal.... however it was still crappy when they had sniffers row..... but noneletheless.... i went with my boyfriend to a strip club, he begged me to go with him.... which i thought was pretty cool... when i got there i felt so insecure about myself cuz it was me staring at all these beautiful PERFECT females.... he spent more time reassuring me that none of them held a candle to me etc..... (he was a great BS'er LOL) but he made my experience so good..... then when he would call to let me know him and the guys were going for drinks at the club...... i didnt feel bad at all about anything....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author shopgrl Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 I don't consider it cheating either. I just think getting a lap dance isn't right when you have a girlfriend, just as (obviously) cheating isn't right (if that makes sense). raine- I totally agree with you-- what's the need for a guy (with a girlfriend) to have a half naked women in his face, whether she's skanky, beautiful or whatever? It doesn't make sense to me. I know that I would not want some half naked guy (other than my boyfriend) in my face, regardless of who or what he was. Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 I used to work in a strip club. I can honestly say it is something that I would never do again, but it was something I did in the past and absolutely regret it. ANywho, if you trust your guy but feel alittle uncomfortable with him going, I think you should let him go with the guys. It is showing him that you have complete trust in him. Or if you are curious as to what goes on at the clubs, ask you man if he would not mind if you went. Just to see the reaction on his face. I have to be honest with you. Going into a strip club your first time is alittle weird and very very uncomfortable and not the best atmosphere. But, let him know you feel alittle uncomfortable with him going not because you don't trust him but because of other reasons as to why. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 I personally think it's not a big deal whatsoever. These girls are pretty much unattainable unless it's a seedy joint where they'll do more stuff if you pay them more. It's no different than watching porn, it's basically 3-D porn but without the sex. 3-D Playboy is more like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Callisto Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 I see nothing wrong with my boyfriend going to strip clubs. I know he is coming home to me. Now if he went every night, then I would have a problem with it. Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 I don't see a huge problem for bachelor parties or something but just to go and see the girls for the heck of it. What is the need? I don't like the idea at all personally. It is indeed different from porn, these girls are in person. Big difference to me. Definitely no lap dances for sure. I don't want my man coming home to me after being turned on by someone else and expect me to finish the job. No I wouldn't want him to seek elsewhere but I should be the one turning him on. If I'm not good enough for that then maybe he should tell me and we can move on. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough There is absolutely no reason for you to feel that way. This is about your internal thinking, which you can change. It is just not reasonable to expect that your BF will/can only be turned on by you forever. I'm not advocating that he go by himself - I sure would not be happy if my guy did that, however if, every now and then, his buddies want him to go along with them, then I think the decent thing to do would be to agree. Men can be wierd about this 'male bonding' stuff; sometimes they cause each other piles of grief over these issues. Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 True, I have my own insecurities. However, I don't see the need to go to the clubs for either man or woman in a relationship. Unless maybe it was going as a couple. I don't really see the need for porn either if in a relationship but that is just me. I can deal with paper porn but really don't like the idea of strip clubs. Girls who do things like that feed the way most men act towards women...as a sex object. I'm so tired of hearing comments from men about women in a sexual manner on tv shows and every where I turn around. So many women out there make it that way though. It is a vicious cycle. I just don't believe a man in a relationship should go to strip clubs. If it is going to be a man I date then he won't unless it is for a bachelor party only. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shopgrl Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 raine- I'm with you 100%. I don't see the need for a man (or women) in a relationship to go to strip clubs. What's the purpose of it? I'm fortunate that my boyfriend does not go to strip clubs. He says he could give two sh**s about going but feels obligated because he is the bestman in his friend's wedding. I understand to a point and I plan on being the "cool chick" and not saying anything about it but I'm still kinda repulsed with the thought of my boyfriend being there. And like you said-- I too don't want to be the one he comes home to "to finish the job". I think I'm going to puke now! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 Girls who do things like that feed the way most men act towards women...as a sex object I'm hearing issues here. To say 'most men' is grossly unfair. Apparently, you know a lot of real jerks. That does not mean all men are jerks. Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 For a bachelor party and being the best man, you almost have to let that one go. i understand completely you still don't like the idea, I wouldn't either. Like I said before set those boundaries, no lap dances, and hopefully he will stand by them and not just lie and say he didn't get one because he knows you would get upset. That is a matter of trust within the relationship though. And really what you don't know can't hurt you right? I guess if my bf did get another lap dance it probably would be better that he lied but I better never find out about him lying about it! It really does make me sick to my stomach when I think about the bachelor party my bf went to and got the lap dance! Hopefully I don't have to deal with that ever again. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author shopgrl Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 Thanks for your words raine! It's good to hear from someone who understands where I'm coming from. I know I have to let this one go but I'm disgusted. Boundries will definitely be set and I trust that my boyfriend will stand by them. I don't have any reason not to trust him. (I feel the same way as you-- if he lies then I better not catch him!! Haha!!) There is a chance that they may not even go to the strip club b/c the groom-to-be made these arrangements when the wife-to-be was not around! Thanks again... Good luck to you as well! Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 moimeme I say most men because they always have comments about women in a sexual manner. Not so much to me directly but general comments that men make. Even if they don't comment, you know it is in their thoughts. It is all around us. shopgrl I wish you the best. Even if he does go, time will let it pass. As long as it isn't a regular thing. You know? Link to post Share on other sites
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