cypresa Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 If you've gone NC after a long term relationship, is it 1 month? 3 months, more??? how long before they feel the emptiness of your absence in their lives??? Assuming they haven't met anyone else.... Thoughts anyone?? Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 If you've gone NC after a long term relationship, is it 1 month? 3 months, more??? how long before they feel the emptiness of your absence in their lives??? Assuming they haven't met anyone else.... Thoughts anyone?? Assume 'never'. NC is not to make him/her miss you, it's there for you to stop missing him/her so much. Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 If you've gone NC after a long term relationship, is it 1 month? 3 months, more??? how long before they feel the emptiness of your absence in their lives??? Assuming they haven't met anyone else.... Thoughts anyone?? it is hard to say and each situation is unique. it depends on the manner in which things ended. the individual, how they feel about you, etc.,. i have been off and on with mine for 4 years. she dumps me, sometimes two weeks goes by and we are talking again. sometimes two months go by and i feel like i am going to die. than i will hear from her again out of the blue. just recently we hung out again, things were good, and bam just like that now i am back to not talking to her for the last 6 days because some new guy she met asked her to dinner. now we are not hanging again. or talking at this point. that was 6 days ago. today she has started to walk by my desk at work, three times today, and also sat in the desk next to me for awhile to talk to a co-worker. i honestly dont know if that means she misses me, but i get the feelings she wants me to notice her or talk or something. i would like to think she feels a little emptiness and misses me. we were getting along well. and now i have stopped so she has room to figure out whats going on with this new guy. i am not going to bug her over it and i dont want to push her towards him. i would rather she come around on her own terms. i guess you can probably know if someone misses you by the way they act. i.e., stay in contact, try to make themselves noticed, etc. i know sometimes people are stubborn and dont want to show it. but i think overall you will know or get the feelings if someone misses you. hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 utterrer is right - no contact is all about you and you should focus on just you, though he/she will cross your mind quite frequently. However, you'll be amazed at how much better you do everyday. If they start to miss you - and truly miss you... not this emotional BS that they toss out after the first week or so - they'll do a lot of work to get you back. If they don't, you're pretty much over them anyway, so it won't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Honestly, for me, never. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 No contact is for you to move on. It's not a game. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 If you've gone NC after a long term relationship, is it 1 month? 3 months, more??? how long before they feel the emptiness of your absence in their lives??? Assuming they haven't met anyone else.... Thoughts anyone?? Fact: Sometimes never. Link to post Share on other sites
bluesky123 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Fact: Sometimes never. I've been NC two months , we had a good relationship. she needed to find herself, I have not heard her voice since she left me on the phone. We were together for 2.5 years ! Its sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I've been NC two months , we had a good relationship. she needed to find herself, I have not heard her voice since she left me on the phone. We were together for 2.5 years ! Its sucks. Then it wasn't meant to be. Be very grateful she isn't keeping you on a string and destroying you with an emotional rollercoaster. Trust me, ZERO contact is better than LC or any contact, for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 If the person genuinely wanted out of the relationship, they might never miss you or regret their decision. I can think of a couple of relationships that I've ended, some more than 5 or 6 years ago, and I've never really missed my exes at all. NC is to stop you torturing yourself and encourage you to move on; it isn't intended to make your ex miss you and want you back, because often that never happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 Ok - so if NC is for your own benefit and not to bring your Ex back. What will help to bring them back?! Is there anything you can do? LC? Link to post Share on other sites
JL911 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 The only thing that will ever bring a person back is their own mind...They venture out to find the grass is in fact not greener and they lost something really good and need to WORK to get it back...Even if they do meet someone there is a pretty good chance that after the newness and exciting part wears off they are going to find out who this person is, and realize they are not you or even close to what they originally had hoped for. No guy or girl will ever stack up against a long term relationship in the first few months, and I think that scares alot of people away from one another. Keep in mind they left you...for whatever reason...It is the worst feeling in the entire world to be rejected by the one you love after years and years...You are too good to be someone's maybe person or fall back...Let them go search for greener pastures only to find none size up to the one they left...Be confident you were the best and always did your best...Eventhough you might not think you did enough, the person did stay with you for a very very long period of time, and will never gain that comfort they had with you with another overnight... What I have been doing with my NC period (now 6 days) is trying to reconnect with old friends, being with family, and have been going to therapy weekly trying to cope with this loss. I have been talking to a lot of them, telling them about the situation hearing their opinions, they all say the same, you are young, she is young, and if it is truly meant to be it will be. Give her the space she requested with this break up...ITS TERRIBLE, but necessary...She was my everything I miss her everyday... Take your pride, your dignity, your self respect back learn from the mistakes you may have made in the relationship. No contact allows you to cool off and find yourself again while at the same time showing ths person what life is like without you...When you first met this person you probaly were not the fragile, depressed individual you are now. Regain your confidence and self worth. That way if they do come back they will find the very person they fell in love even more improved...In finding yourself again you might even find someone else out there who will not do what this one has done... Ive tried crying, begging, pleading, thought about being friends, its not gonna work for me, staying this close to someone who has broken me will only continue to hurt and make me suffer for a longer period of time than necessary. Yes I thought she was the one, now...now...I dont know anymore...I dont think "the one" would have done this to me... All of these are normal feelings...You cannot make someone love you...It is just so hard to take...But you have to let go...If they come around to the idea of another relationship again you cross that bridge when you come to it, by that point you may no longer care, or have something even better in your life...Or just be strong enough to not crumble into their arms and take it slow... You will come out of this stronger than you were...And a better person to boot...People say they dont want to change you, but events such as a tramatic break up are going to have a major impact on who you are...You CANNOT allow someone to upset the balance of your everyday life and your emotions with a little text message, or an email, or a phone call...no matter how much you love them... Sorry for the long post...I hope it helps...I know it helped me a little... Link to post Share on other sites
manaja Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 yes nc is def for you, not her , no good keeping links open with exs, unless you see them in the street, then say hiya, otherwise , leave it , get on with and thats it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 JL911 - thank you from the bottom of my heart for your amazing post. It made me cry. But in a really really good way. I shall try and read that anytime i start having my - what's wrong with me moments. Or when i am tempted to write an email asking how he is. thank you, thank you. x Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 NC is a tricky thing. It is definitely the best way for you to heal and get over the relationship. At the same time, it also happens to be the best way to get someone back. If they are coming back studies show that around the four week mark they should start to miss you. However, in most cases, if they ended the relationship,. they were done...they aren't coming back. They may miss you, but they don't want a relationship. I say try to move on. If they come back, deal with it then. But either way, with some NC under your belt, you will be in a better spot to make sound decisions, and be able to love yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsi Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 you should change this to "How long before they truly forget you" in my case 6 months! Trust me your ex isnt even thinking of you anymore they most probably out having the time of their life while you are mentally killing yourself with thoughts like aaah i wonder if he/she is thinking of me?? See i was like this wondering if she is thinking about me missing me...then my ex mutual friend opened up the big wonderfull door called REALITY and told me she is having the time of her life ****ing a hot italian in europe i highly doubt that she is still missing me. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 With mine it went(IIRC)...1week, then NC...3 more wks,then NC...5 more weeks, then NC..2 wks later "I want to get back together"..lasted 3 days!!haha! Then another month or so..and now she wants "to make it work" again as of yesterday..again..HAHAHA!!!! There's NO set time, if any at all. In my opinion it depends on how selfish the dumper is. Link to post Share on other sites
Omega3 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 However, in most cases, if they ended the relationship,. they were done...they aren't coming back. They may miss you, but they don't want a relationship. I disagree. In fact, almost every situation I can think of, almost everyone has had a second chance. Unless they just happen to meet mr/mrs. perfect. Could be 1 month, could be 6, could be 2 years. Assuming you didn't cheat on them or beat them, there's almost always a chance. The problem is that when that chance comes, you've already moved on and you aren't interested in it. Link to post Share on other sites
JL911 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 JL911 - thank you from the bottom of my heart for your amazing post. It made me cry. But in a really really good way. I shall try and read that anytime i start having my - what's wrong with me moments. Or when i am tempted to write an email asking how he is. thank you, thank you. x You are quite welcome...I am going through the same ****...This has been some of the best therapy I have found just talking to others going through the same garbage.... If they made a mistake they will realize it and either have to live with it or try to justify themselves to you again. Karma is a bitch as well, and what goes around comes around.... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I disagree. In fact, almost every situation I can think of, almost everyone has had a second chance. Unless they just happen to meet mr/mrs. perfect. Could be 1 month, could be 6, could be 2 years. Assuming you didn't cheat on them or beat them, there's almost always a chance. The problem is that when that chance comes, you've already moved on and you aren't interested in it. Umm...no. I don't think you understand what constitutes a true "second chance." There is not almost "always" a chance. In fact, I would suffice to say that my research on this topic (based on oh, four-five years of digging through threads here and elsewhere) puts the odds of a TRUE second chance at about 5%. That's not even close to "always." If your ex walks away from you to date someone else, they may in fact miss SOME aspect of you (some need that you met which kept them around), but it's NEVER enough to make them come back. The only REAL second chance is the one where they come beating down your front door. LITERALLY. Anything else is lip service meant to boost their confidence and self-esteem at the cost YOURS. Second chances are not "emails, text or calls" asking how you are doing, fishing around, etc. That is NOT a second chance at all. That is your ex feeding their ego at your expense. It's not sending you a card on your birthday or asking your friends how you are doing. It's them coming DIRECTLY to you (in your face) saying "I've screwed up, I made a big mistake, I want to fix things -- I want YOU back." Anything else is just lip service. As I've said a million times: Words don't mean jack. It's ACTIONS that matter. If their words and their action are not in harmony with each other then anything they say to you is hot air." In other words, if they talk like they want you back but they're still seeing someone else or not making any effort at earnest reconcillation, what you have is an ex seeking a ego boost. Nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
PandaStillLovesBunny Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 2 Years of absolutely NO contact Link to post Share on other sites
Omega3 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Umm...no. I don't think you understand what constitutes a true "second chance." There is not almost "always" a chance. In fact, I would suffice to say that my research on this topic (based on oh, four-five years of digging through threads here and elsewhere) puts the odds of a TRUE second chance at about 5%. That's not even close to "always." If your ex walks away from you to date someone else, they may in fact miss SOME aspect of you (some need that you met which kept them around), but it's NEVER enough to make them come back. The only REAL second chance is the one where they come beating down your front door. LITERALLY. Anything else is lip service meant to boost their confidence and self-esteem at the cost YOURS. Second chances are not "emails, text or calls" asking how you are doing, fishing around, etc. That is NOT a second chance at all. That is your ex feeding their ego at your expense. It's not sending you a card on your birthday or asking your friends how you are doing. It's them coming DIRECTLY to you (in your face) saying "I've screwed up, I made a big mistake, I want to fix things -- I want YOU back." Anything else is just lip service. As I've said a million times: Words don't mean jack. It's ACTIONS that matter. If their words and their action are not in harmony with each other then anything they say to you is hot air." In other words, if they talk like they want you back but they're still seeing someone else or not making any effort at earnest reconcillation, what you have is an ex seeking a ego boost. Nothing more. I wasn't referring to the attempted ego boosts. However, I don't consider it to be beating down your door either. Sometimes people just meet up after awhile and try again. Doesn't mean one person is beating down the other persons door. It usually just means people have matured or changed in some way and want to try it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Quest Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Umm...no. I don't think you understand what constitutes a true "second chance." There is not almost "always" a chance. In fact, I would suffice to say that my research on this topic (based on oh, four-five years of digging through threads here and elsewhere) puts the odds of a TRUE second chance at about 5%. That's not even close to "always." If your ex walks away from you to date someone else, they may in fact miss SOME aspect of you (some need that you met which kept them around), but it's NEVER enough to make them come back. The only REAL second chance is the one where they come beating down your front door. LITERALLY. Anything else is lip service meant to boost their confidence and self-esteem at the cost YOURS. Second chances are not "emails, text or calls" asking how you are doing, fishing around, etc. That is NOT a second chance at all. That is your ex feeding their ego at your expense. It's not sending you a card on your birthday or asking your friends how you are doing. It's them coming DIRECTLY to you (in your face) saying "I've screwed up, I made a big mistake, I want to fix things -- I want YOU back." Anything else is just lip service. As I've said a million times: Words don't mean jack. It's ACTIONS that matter. If their words and their action are not in harmony with each other then anything they say to you is hot air." In other words, if they talk like they want you back but they're still seeing someone else or not making any effort at earnest reconcillation, what you have is an ex seeking a ego boost. Nothing more. Couldn't agree more. An ex making contact after breaking up is usually just wanting to feel better about themselves - whether they dumped you or you dumped them because they did something unacceptable to you. The only exception would be if they truly wanted to make the relationship work and were able to see where they were at fault. If that was the case you'd know about it because they'd be working so hard at actually making it happen! Link to post Share on other sites
Omega3 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 I've been thinking about this more and more, and even asking others about their relationships. Assuming you didn't cheat or beat her, there's always a chance. Hell, some will even take back cheaters and abusers. I can only think of a few times where an ex didn't attempt a come back. I'm not talking just an e-mail or text, I mean dating or attemping more. The problem is that 90% of the time the guy/girl they want to get back has moved on. Or maybe you're just hurt and won't allow them another chance. Also, the ex married the next person is always possible, in which case they didn't ever need to come back. I think that much of the "second chances" on this forum are skewed due to when they do come back, you don't see that poster again. The only bad thing is it seems that second chances rarely last unless the split was a long amount of time. People have to change and mature, otherwise you just fall back into the same ol' story. Obviously this tends to happen most often when your ex "moves on", but realizes moving on wasn't the best choice. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 The only thing that will ever bring a person back is their own mind...They venture out to find the grass is in fact not greener and they lost something really good and need to WORK to get it back...Even if they do meet someone there is a pretty good chance that after the newness and exciting part wears off they are going to find out who this person is, and realize they are not you or even close to what they originally had hoped for. No guy or girl will ever stack up against a long term relationship in the first few months, and I think that scares alot of people away from one another. Keep in mind they left you...for whatever reason...It is the worst feeling in the entire world to be rejected by the one you love after years and years...You are too good to be someone's maybe person or fall back...Let them go search for greener pastures only to find none size up to the one they left...Be confident you were the best and always did your best...Eventhough you might not think you did enough, the person did stay with you for a very very long period of time, and will never gain that comfort they had with you with another overnight... What I have been doing with my NC period (now 6 days) is trying to reconnect with old friends, being with family, and have been going to therapy weekly trying to cope with this loss. I have been talking to a lot of them, telling them about the situation hearing their opinions, they all say the same, you are young, she is young, and if it is truly meant to be it will be. Give her the space she requested with this break up...ITS TERRIBLE, but necessary...She was my everything I miss her everyday... Take your pride, your dignity, your self respect back learn from the mistakes you may have made in the relationship. No contact allows you to cool off and find yourself again while at the same time showing ths person what life is like without you...When you first met this person you probaly were not the fragile, depressed individual you are now. Regain your confidence and self worth. That way if they do come back they will find the very person they fell in love even more improved...In finding yourself again you might even find someone else out there who will not do what this one has done... Ive tried crying, begging, pleading, thought about being friends, its not gonna work for me, staying this close to someone who has broken me will only continue to hurt and make me suffer for a longer period of time than necessary. Yes I thought she was the one, now...now...I dont know anymore...I dont think "the one" would have done this to me... All of these are normal feelings...You cannot make someone love you...It is just so hard to take...But you have to let go...If they come around to the idea of another relationship again you cross that bridge when you come to it, by that point you may no longer care, or have something even better in your life...Or just be strong enough to not crumble into their arms and take it slow... You will come out of this stronger than you were...And a better person to boot...People say they dont want to change you, but events such as a tramatic break up are going to have a major impact on who you are...You CANNOT allow someone to upset the balance of your everyday life and your emotions with a little text message, or an email, or a phone call...no matter how much you love them... Sorry for the long post...I hope it helps...I know it helped me a little... Thank you for your wonderful post, really picked me up today! Link to post Share on other sites
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