Sometimes, being turned down by a girl is...nice.

[Taucher]

Hello,

 

I usually post on the 'Breaks and Breaking Up' forum, as I was rudely dumped by my Ex (of 5 years) 3 months ago.

 

Anyway, I asked a girl out, she works in a local bar and is good friends with some of my friends. Initially, she said yes to me. Today, she said 'Actually, no'. But she did it in such a nice way that I feel pretty good about myself, despite this.

 

Isn't it nice when that happens? No drama, no fuss. Just a polite but kind 'Not now thanks'.

 

I am ready to keep looking now, with no fear.

 

Just wanted to share.

 

T

[Jimmy's_Brother]

I agree. It's nice when people say what they mean; but it's also nice to not be given false hope. Ladies, do us a favor and say "no" if you're not into us; it'll save us dudes a lot of confusion (and perhaps $$$ as well).

[Thaddeus]

I am ready to keep looking now, with no fear.

That's the spirit!

[Template]

You probably came across an epiphany. That the breakup is not the end of the world. That asking someone out, and being told no, is not the end of the world. You came out of it a better person, a wiser person, a more courageous person. That's a great feeling huh. I have still yet to get to that point myself, but enough about me. Good on ya Man!!

[D-Lish]

Can I ask how she phrased it?

 

I only ask because I hate rejecting people- it always makes me feel like crap. Having said that I realize that it's much better to be straight forward. I am curious how she was able to let you down and leave you feeling good about it:p.

[big_girls_rock]

I think it depends on the situation. I have politely said "No" before and got hell for it. I'm glad you walked away with dignity and a broader perspective, something way better will come along, and never settle for less- it's good that you are moving on in spite of what your ex did to you.

[Taucher]

You probably came across an epiphany. That the breakup is not the end of the world. That asking someone out, and being told no, is not the end of the world. You came out of it a better person, a wiser person, a more courageous person. That's a great feeling huh. I have still yet to get to that point myself, but enough about me. Good on ya Man!!

 

Template, you have hit the nail on the head there. I am 30 and I have only just realised this?! In the past, I would have liked this girl a lot but then just let it build and build and not done anything about it. But now, I have asked her and I know where I stand and I can move on. No drama, no regrets. No build up in my head of how amazing she is, no self-loathing as I fail to act on my feelings. I feel like an adult.

 

Can I ask though, you say you aren't at this point yet? And yet you seem to understand it so well. How come?

 

Can I ask how she phrased it?

 

I only ask because I hate rejecting people- it always makes me feel like crap. Having said that I realize that it's much better to be straight forward. I am curious how she was able to let you down and leave you feeling good about it:p.

 

Well, first off, the situation had an impact on all of this. She is due to move back to Italy at end of September, which was one of the reasons she is not into dating at the moment. Also, her friend tells me that she knows that I was dumped by my ex recently and that she is worried about being a rebound (fair enough). Also, she has fallen out with the girls she lived with (drama!) and has moved in with her ex-boyfriend, who I know quite well and who gave me his blessings to ask her out. Still, is an awkward situation.

 

How she phrased it though was she said:

 

"I'm sorry, I don't feel like dating at the moment. I am moving back to Italy in September and am not looking for a relationship. You are so cool for asking me though and I am so flattered (she actually said 'flattened' cos of her English). You are a VERY sexy man"

 

All of this, delivered in a very cute (and quite strong) Italian accent while stroking my arm. And I have seen her twice since then and she has been very warm and friendly, hugs and kisses etc. My friends dont know I asked her out and cant work out why we are so friendly.

 

Overall, she made me feel like she was very pleased to be asked, even if it isnt right for her at the moment. My dignity is intact and I think we will become quite good friends.

 

I think it depends on the situation. I have politely said "No" before and got hell for it. I'm glad you walked away with dignity and a broader perspective, something way better will come along, and never settle for less- it's good that you are moving on in spite of what your ex did to you.

 

It DOES depend on the situation. In this situation, the girl is friends of friends and I had been hanging out socially with her and them for a couple of months now. I think it might be harder to approach things like this cold.

 

Thank you all for your words of encouragemnt.

 

 

T

[Ross PK]

I'd find it really hard to turn a girl down, I'd have to make some sort of an excuse/BS lie, like I've got a girlfriend or whatever, since I don't know any other way other than saying a flat out 'No' which would sound pretty obnoxious.

[thegoodlife]

I have no problems with begin turned down, if it's done in an honest manner. I hate liars, or people that don't call ever again or avoid you anytime they see you in person. It's stupid, cowardly, and makes you look like a bigger ass than if you would have just said no in the first place.

 

Of course rejecting people isn't the easiest thing to do, but I don't get why people are so afraid to just be truthful. The other person might be a little bummed out, but they will respect you a lot more for being honest and straight up with them. I had a guy scared to turn me down recently and I can't understand it for the life of me lol. I'm such an easy going person you can tell me no and I'll be like 'okay cool thanks anyway' and carry on.

[neowulf]

Words to live by.

 

I'm kicking myself for *not* approaching this amazing girl I saw sitting alone in a cafe today..

 

*urgh*.

 

I think I regret chickening out *waaay* more than if I'd just bucked up and struck up a conversation.

 

New Goal: Do *not* be a could have, would have, should have kinda person.. life is too short.

[Taucher]

I have no problems with begin turned down, if it's done in an honest manner. I hate liars, or people that don't call ever again or avoid you anytime they see you in person. It's stupid, cowardly, and makes you look like a bigger ass than if you would have just said no in the first place.

 

Of course rejecting people isn't the easiest thing to do, but I don't get why people are so afraid to just be truthful. The other person might be a little bummed out, but they will respect you a lot more for being honest and straight up with them. I had a guy scared to turn me down recently and I can't understand it for the life of me lol. I'm such an easy going person you can tell me no and I'll be like 'okay cool thanks anyway' and carry on.

 

Exactly. I mean, if you ask someone out, its very early on in any relationship. You cant be TOO hurt, can you? Some people do take it personally though. They think that if they are turned down, it's cos there is something wrong with them. If I am turned down, I choose to believe that it's because the person doesnt know me well enough

 

Words to live by.

 

I'm kicking myself for *not* approaching this amazing girl I saw sitting alone in a cafe today..

 

*urgh*.

 

I think I regret chickening out *waaay* more than if I'd just bucked up and struck up a conversation.

 

New Goal: Do *not* be a could have, would have, should have kinda person.. life is too short.

 

YES! I think it is MUCH more common to regret something that you DIDNT do rather than something you DID do. Regretting a lack of action creates many 'what if' questions, but regretting an action means that everything is as it is, and is clear. If you see what I mean.

 

Truth is neowulf that in your head you were thinking that you could not approach the girl in the cafe because it is a big deal, a MASSIVE deal. But the reality is that if she had not been interested, she would be flattered and would have forgotten within a couple of days. I think we all place too much importance on things.

 

I realised this. These big scary things that make us cringe barely register with other people.

 

T

[vesper16]

*smile*

 

I think if you don't have a lot of experience with girls like me, you appreciate a polite rejection a lot more because it makes you stronger and wiser. I'd recently started to have feelings again for my crush of a couple of years ago, but didn't get the chance to tell her before she went overseas, so I sent her an e-mail letting her know how I felt (we're in the same circle of friends), and this was her response:

 

Thanks so much for your email. It was incredibly sweet and I am of course incredibly flattered. Girls would be lucky to have you and I know you'll make some special lady very happy one day!!!!!

I was very happy to receive it as I knew by the way she responded that she was a class act and worthy of the crush, even though the reply was simple -- sometimes a short but polite rejection does the world of good!