CONFUSED!(long, bear with me)

[niko1999]

Ok, sorry, but this may be a little long. SOme of you may remember me wishing that I had a ring, and I was all depressed about it and everything. Well, though I sitll want a ring, I kind of got over being depressed about it. So here is the story. ITs a litle summed up, if someone wants more details, I can give them.

 

A couple of nights ago(wednesday), my bf worked a really long day(14hrs). when he got home, and we went to bed, he didnt cuddle with me, and there was a HUGE space between us on the bed, like, you could FEEL it. There was tension between us. So I asked him if he was mad at me and he said No. but the way he said no, made me ask him if he was lying, and he said no, and that went back and forth for a couple of minutes. SO then he tells me taht sometimes I just frustrate the hell out of him bleh bleh bleh. And THEN he goes on to tell me that he feels our relationship has a fatal flaw, and I ask him what taht was and he said that he didnt know. And in the same breath, he tells me that most of the time, he is content and happy. Well, for a while, I had made the mistake of saying things like, "its not like wre going to get married anyway...". And he reiterated that to me, and said, "Its like youre always saying to me, its not like were getting married anyway, so whats the point?" So I told him I got that idea from him. And he then told me he could honestly say that he could not see himself spending the rest of his life with me. He was like, things change, feelings change. I was like, well what do you want to do, and he said(sounding extremly miserable)"I dont know, the only reason were still togther is becuase both of us is content." And I was thinking to myself, what is wrong with being happy, content, and in love? Where is the fatal flaw in that? I know that is just the foundation, but....

 

I turned away from him for a couple of seconds, and then rolled back over to face him again. Then things kind of lightened up(as lightened as they can get in a situation like this), And I said "IS it becuase I want to buy pink curtains and dont want black furtiture and bedspreads when we move?". And he kind of chucklede at that. Then things got quiet again for a couple of minutes. I kind of sat up and kind of chuckled to myself, and he said what? So I asked him if he had ever heard of sadie hawkens, and what it was and that stuff. He was all confused, when I explained it to him, and he thought I was going to ask him to a dance. Well, it took a second to register taht what I MEANT was on Sadie Hawkens I had actually wanted ot kind of propose. And then he told me that it was unfair of me to say that, unfair for me and him.

 

Well, through all of this, I remained really calm( I think that is becuase of all my backgournd in like, psychology and science, and everyting I have been through, I have a way of distancing myself, UNTIL it sinks in at some odd time). Then we were talking, and I told him about a conversation I had ahd with my mother the night before, and THAT is when I kind of broke down. Like, not full out sobbing, but I started noticeably crying. Taht was after he had turned his back to me again. SO I half rolled over, curled up behind him for a second, and rolled back over. He then said to me, You dont have to roll over". I didnt respond or roll back over, and he said it again. So I rolled back over, taking that as a hint that he didnt want me to roll over away from him. Then, when I was cuddled up behind him, he said to me "DId you really think I was the one?" And all I could manage was just kind of an uh huh. And then he asked me why? And so I told him "Becuase I love you with all my heart". Than he was like, why would you want to marry someone like me, someone blah blah blah, listing off qualities about him, mostly qualities that I LOVE.

 

So for the whole night long, we cuddled, when he rolled away from me, he kind of reached behind himself, and got me to roll over with him. Than, at like, 130 in the morning, I was kind of lying on my stomach, with my head in my hands, and he put his hand on my back and told me that I had to get some sleep. WEll, that didnt happne for about another hour, and then i woke up at 540 that same morning, and was UP from then on. But I rolled over to cuddle with him when he alarm went off the second time(he rolled over to me the first time)and he took my hand and held my hand in his. SOunds like we broke up huh? Whcih is what I thought, and thought for the rest of the night.

 

That morning I was getting ready for school, and was putting on make-up, he got out of the shower, and aske dme why I was getting all dolled up. He was like,"Are you trying to find somoene new?" And I just told him, maybe. Then he was like"why?"(sounding EXTREMELY hurt), and i just kind of looked at him. So he was like, Im not breaking upwith you. I told him that tha twas the impression I had gotten from the night before. So then he tells me taht he is just stressed out with money, and us mvoing, and finding a roomate, almost as if he had to give an excuse for saying what he had to me the other night. Than, when I left for school, he gave me a big kiss, and told me he loved me. Which he hasnt been doing a lot of lately-telling me he loves me before one of us leaves. NOt on a regular bassis like he did when we first lived together, or when we left eachother. And then he cooked me dinner last night, with a suprise of my new favorite ice cream, and mozzeralla sticks, and tuna helper.

 

So, wht it all boils down to, is I am very confused, and it sounds as if he is too. Becuase last April, he pulled this stuff of, "i love you but im not IN love with you", and then started being really sweet to me again the next day. which is what he did the other day. I dont know, IM just confused. Maybe someone can help me dicifer my thoughts? Thanks guys PS: By the way, Im 22 and he is 26, and we have been togher for almost 16 months

[Arabess]

There are alot of marriages who end up staying together because both parties are "content and comfortable". However, going INTO a marriage with those feelings probably isn't a good idea.

 

You know how you stay in a mediocre job with good benefits just because you don't feel like going out and finding a new one? I think your fiance' is saying close to the same thing about your future marriage. If he's "happy"....but not "happy enough"....you are only entering into a relationship with serious flaws in it.

 

He could just be having cold feet.....but it sounds to me like he's trying to give you a signal that he's definately not ready.

 

PS: I know it's hard when you love someone to allow them to walk away or keep the distance they need. This must be a very hurtful and confusing time for you.

[Thinkalot]

I think Arabess has some good advice. Talk about how you feel. Find out how he feels. You both sound confused. He isn't sure what he wants from the sounds of things. You need answers to your questions, even if you may not like what you hear. I know it can be painful to feel sure, and have your partner not feel sure (been there), but you deserve the best and to be true to yourself. You will be OK, whether with him, or someone else. Just be open and honest and go from there. Good luck.