Therapy after being cheated on

[PonyBoy]

I think I would like to see a therapist/counselor and would like some advice from people who have had success with therapy after their SO cheated on them.

 

First, some brief background:

I very recently (last week) discovered my fiancé cheated on me. We were set to marry in 4 months. We were engaged for over a year, together for 2.5 yrs, have known each other for over 6 yrs, and we had some on/off/FWB time the first 2.5yrs we knew each other. There are plenty of reasons of how it got to the point it did. I should have seen it coming and reacted differently when I knew there were problems in our relationship. She cheated because of the problems in our relationship and because of our poor communication we never really got to the root of the issues to effectively fix them and she slowly/quickly drifted. It happened, I discovered it and it’s unacceptable to me. I’m calling off the wedding. She’s moving out.

 

 

 

I’m deeply hurt and saddened but also somewhat relieved that I now know we were not meant to be before we got married. I don’t feel like I’m depressed but based on what I’ve read here on LS and past experiences I really feel like I need to talk with someone to help me get through this. Here are some of my issues:

• She will be moving out, but hasn’t yet, and there will likely be a lot of contact during that time. I’m sure that contact will be difficult and it would be nice to talk with someone that will keep everything in perspective for me.
  
• I’m 31 and will now be starting the dating game over from scratch after a 6yr hiatus. The thought of dating again has me nervous, anxious and excited. I don’t want to rush this and want to take care of me first. But, my age scares me because I feel I only have one more shot at an LTR to get it right and start a family. I do want my own kids and hopefully before I’m too old to be an active father.
  
• I would like help with the trust issue that will likely develop. I now find it difficult to trust anything my fiancé has, does and will say to me. I also find myself second guessing situations during our relationship I was previously confident and secure with. I don’t want any of that to continue into my next relationship(s) and I’m hoping a therapist can help with that.
  
• I’d like some answers as to why this all happened. I know that’s kinda reaching for the stars but I do want to come away from all this with some lessons learned that will help me in future relationships. I don’t want to be bitter about the situation and just chalk everything up to the “lying/cheating bitch”. I do realize that part of our relationship issues were mine and I’d like to address them.
  

So…. Can anyone share their experiences with a therapist and offer any suggestions? What is a good way of finding a good therapist? How can you tell if they are good and will be able to help you? I've never been to therapy before, what should I expect?

[reservoirdog1]

I saw three different therapists in the two and a half years after XW and I split following her revelations of serial betrayal. The first one was a very gentle, kind-seeming woman who basically just let me talk (she'd ask the occasional question, often a version of "how did that make you feel"). Not the most activist approach.

 

The second one was more activist, and her role seemed to be more about validating what I was feeling. I'd tell her what I was feeling, and she'd agree with me, empathize, and give me her views about why my feelings were accurate or justified.

 

The third one was a soft-spoken, pleasant guy who not only listened, but gave me a lot of affirmation. He also gave me "homework" a few times (e.g. write a final letter to your ex, saying everything that you want to say to her, which you're not going to send her). I liked his approach. He asked a lot of thought-provoking questions.

 

Looking back, I think that each of them fulfilled the role I needed them to at that point in time. I don't really have any wisdom as to how to find a good therapist, but be open-minded and recognize that they all have different styles and that one style may be what you need at one point and not at another.

 

Don't worry too much about being 31. When my marriage ended, I was 31 also and I'd been with XW for 11 years. I dated heavily during the ensuing several years; it's amazing how effective online dating was at that point in my life.

 

All the best man...

[Spark1111]

Pony Boy, how wise you are to seek counseling.

 

Find a good fit for you when looking for a counselor. You have to connect on some level to feel comfortable enough to discuss your feelings and do the work necessary to heal. If there is no connection, move on and find another therapist.

 

Expect to go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, forgiveness and acceptance. It's a process that differs for everyone, timewise.

 

Ready to talk about your childhood and mommy and daddy? So much of who we are, our strengths and weaknesses are shaped by are earliest experiences with our parents. Start thinking on it.

 

Good luck to you!

[PonyBoy]

Thanks for the help guys!

 

What different types or styles of therapy/counseling are there?

Is there a difference between a therapist or counselor? Or are they just different words for the same thing?

 

I’ll probably setup first sessions with different therapists and just pick the best one. Crap, this feels like dating

[bentnotbroken]

I had/have couple of therapist. They speak with each other to make sure they are on the same page. One was the MC I used at one time, so she knows Mr. Messy and the things that I had to overcome with his cheating. The other helps me deal with my depression, childhood issues and anger management. I keep a journal, I do a lot of physical exercise, tapping exercises, and I make sure that I don't go to bed with major issues on my mind.

[jmargel]

Pony,

 

Like you my fiancee cheated on me and she moved out. I was with her for almost 5 years total. I am probably pretty well suited to answer your questions. First and foremost look up the 5 stages of grief. You will probably go through them and jump from one stage to another. Each person is different but for me to finally hit the final stage of acceptance and knowing inside I can move on took about a year. My problem was though during that time I didn't get the help I needed. I ended up in a rut (emotionally) and then became suicidal. I hid it well, the only one that noticed a difference in me was my brother. Though I pushed myself out of it and honestly from the awful nightmare that I was in, to where I am at now is completely opposite. I'm now married and have a beautiful gift of a 1.5 year old daughter.

 

The thing here is to not be scared of the unknown, to not lose hope. To realize that she did this because of her own personality issues.

 

She cheated because of the problems in our relationship

 

No she didn't. She made the choice she did because of her immaturity. Don't excuse her for it by saying this, and don't let her get away with this sort of an excuse. She crossed a boundary she wasn't suppose to cross. She did not live up to her responsibility for the relationship.

 

When my ex-fiancee left she left behind the wedding dress still in the bag. I refused to look at it, it sat there for a number of months, along with some of the things she left behind. She was contacted numerous times about it but never came for it. I then gave it to my ex-friend's mom (the guy she cheated with) one day. I needed her out of my life. I figured the day that I didn't think of her would be the day I would be over her emotionally. And it did finally happen. Right now to you that might seem impossible or very hurtful but when it does happen then you know you have fully closed that chapter in your life.

 

You don't have just 'one' more shot at a LTR. Many people get divorced and remarried in their 40s, 50s and 60s. When I started dating again (over a year later) I found that the women I met were pretty straight forward. The ones I cared about I told them my situation and they really felt compassion. Things will happen eventually you will meet that amazing woman and it will just fall into place.

 

Trust. That is something I still deal with today. My ex was my first love as well so I was pretty nieve to think she would ever cheat or disrespect me. What I eventually learned was that the next woman I met was NOT my ex-fiancee. That each new woman I met has to be given a fair chance. Just like they would be giving me that fair chance. Remember alot of these women too have been cheated on. Go in a relationship with the attitude that if she messes up then she's not worth it. Go in with the attitude of not putting your own self-worth into her. That if the relationship ends you will continue on. Go into it with confidence in yourself.

 

Trust is the foundation of the relationship. Make strict boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not and then tell her. Don't assume. However don't talk to her about this until you two have an established relationship going.

 

Glad that you are doing some soul searching. For the first six months I blamed everything on her. I then had to really take a hard look on what I did wrong. When things cool down between you two and you can eventually talk again, don't be afraid to ask her what she thought you could've done better in the relationship. Though realize whatever she tells you, remember it was HER fault for why the relationship ended.

 

I am now able to talk to my ex, my wife doesn't mind. When I do talk to her there is no feeling of wanting to be with her or that lost love sort of feeling. I'm actually happy that I didn't marry her. Though it still boggles my mind that 10 years ago I was SO in love with her every possible way and now when I look at her, there's nothing of the sort.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders, keep your head held high. Keep your mind busy. If you start to romanticize the past, catch yourself doing it and force yourself to think differently. And don't listen to sappy songs!

[reservoirdog1]

I am now able to talk to my ex, my wife doesn't mind. When I do talk to her there is no feeling of wanting to be with her or that lost love sort of feeling. I'm actually happy that I didn't marry her. Though it still boggles my mind that 10 years ago I was SO in love with her every possible way and now when I look at her, there's nothing of the sort.

 

OP, that's what you want to aim for. It takes time to get there... in my case, about three years. XW and I have now been apart for almost 6 years, and I'm basically neutral towards her. Not to sound cruel, but I honestly feel like if I didn't see her again, it wouldn't really make any difference in my life. I now go by important anniversaries (wedding, first date, D-Day, etc.) usually without noticing until a few days or weeks later. It's a bit strange to think that somebody I was once deeply in love with is now largely meaningless to me, but that's the way it goes.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders, keep your head held high. Keep your mind busy. If you start to romanticize the past, catch yourself doing it and force yourself to think differently. And don't listen to sappy songs!

 

I agree -- angry songs are far better for you. Having said that, however... two years after XW and I split, before I was fully recovered, I went to the wedding of two friends of mine. It was fairly untraditional -- backyard barbecue and karaoke. Anyway, I got up and sang the song that had been "our song". Nobody at the wedding knew this. But it was great -- I got to "take it back".

 

And then several of my friends came up to me afterwards and said "holy crap... I had no idea you could sing!!!" Good times.

[makethebest]

I had to register for this site after seeing these messages. My fiancee cheated on me almost 3 months ago. We were together for 7 years, engaged for 2, and set to be married this October. I found out and was absolutely devestated. All of our friends and family could never in a million years expect her to cheat on me. She was so damn happy planning the wedding that I never thought this would happen. Needless to say, I'm grieving a terrible loss and doing everything under the sun to help me through.

 

I started therapy 2 months ago. Just to let you know, I am a month away from having my doctorate in clinical psychology. Its kind of funny but great to be on the other side of the room for therapy haha. Therapy is a great place to begin the grieving process. The first person I went to I did not feel a connection with. I know that I need help with the grieving, so I found someone else who fits perfectly.

 

My psychologist said something that I will never forget. She told me, "Mike, you are paying your wisdom dues." In other words, you are going through a ton of s$$t in order to come out wiser, stronger, and more together on the other side. I'm sure jmargel can attest to this. I'm sure you probably feel much more in touch with yourself on a deeper level having suffered through this pain and loss. These things shatter you at your core, and you basically have to dig down deep to figure out "the new you post your ex" as well as integrating the "old you" thats always been there.

 

I am so glad that I found this site. A great book that my psychologist recommended that has helped me on those sleepless nights, anxious/sad/pissed off days, and everywhere else in between is How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It has practical advice, poems, and tons of stuff throughout all the grieving and healing process.