When to ask for a third chance...

[laylia2]

Quick history. We met, we corresponded long distance. It was deep. We agreed that we were not in an exclusive relationship even though we talked like we were. We agreed that we should be taking opportunities to see other people. I started dating someone else and dropped him. It was terribly mean. Eventually I crawled back looking for his friendship. He asked for explanation. I gave as much as possible and apologized completely. Friendship grew again.

 

Eventually, growing friendship once more turned to romantic. This time we discussed and agreed that we did NOT want to see other people. It became serious fast. This is all still long distance. Before the dating started, I made the decision to go world traveling. After the dating started we decided that he should come with me. I left first, he followed three months later. By the time he joined me, I was no longer as certain of my feelings for him. I fessed up to that an ended the relationship. We traveled together for a month with much discussion about what went wrong. I did everything I could to explain myself, my feelings and help him through it. (What CAN you do?) After a month, we parted to travel separately. We parted as "friends with issues".

 

Three years have passed since then. He's been in a serious relationship (of over two years) and seen it end poorly. I've been in only one relationship (not long enough to bother mentioning, really). Through it all, we've continued to be friends. And the friendship grows.

 

Now. Oh and now. Now I've got those feelings for him again. I certainly won't be acting on those feelings until I know EXACTLY why they're there, and if they're going to last. I'm going to take it easy... think about it a lot and give it some time. I'm even thinking of seeking a therapist to help me talk my way through it. The hard thing, is that this is still long distance. We STILL live in separate cities. So figuring things out won't be easy... but I must do that.

 

My question is this: If, after much self analysis and introspection, I discover that I truly love this man enough to stay with him, do I deserve to tell him that and ask for him to take a giant leap of faith? Or do I leave him well enough alone considering that I've already hurt him twice. Bottom line is that he's my best friend in the world and I don't want to do anything to risk that. Outside opinions?

[IOnceWasHis]

It's just my opinion, and I'm in a similar, though not exact, situation. If you think you might love this man, examine those feelings, write your feelings down on paper, and do some self-analysis. Do you think it's the chase you love, or do you think the long distance was hurting what you were feeling for him?

 

I would say that if you still feel this way after the time has passed and after some self-analysis, I would ask him for the chance to prove how you feel; you do deserve love, if love is what you're feeling. However, if you think you're going to bolt again, don't bother, because I've come to believe that men don't deal as well with having their hearts broken as we do. They are almost more sensitive, and if twice you've left this man, I would say to be pretty darn sure before you risk it again.

 

Good luck to you, and God bless! Keep us posted!

L

[laylia2]

Thanks for your opinion on this subject.

 

I've located a good therapist on recommendation from a friend in the field and I'm hoping to sort through these feelings one step at a time.

 

I agree with what you said though, about guys being more sensitive to heart break (as a general rule) than us gals. And I fear that perhaps I may have already hurt him enough that he won't be willing to take that risk again. I suppse though, that I should leave that choice up to him, in the end.