He left today

[Aquarius Rising]

MM flew home to his native country this morning to reunite with his family. He will be gone for several weeks. We said goodbye last night after a month of intimate and intense contact..... and as you can imagine that was very painful ...... particularly for me as I am separated and living alone every second week that I don't have my children. I fell apart in little pieces all over the floor ....... and then, this morning I gathered up those little pieces and glued them back together as best I could and went off to work .... where I am now.

 

I have come to learn and accept that the complexities of the human heart are limitless ...... we will never have all the answers to it ....... we must only continue to ask the questions .....

 

My relationship with MM has deepened ....... we allowed that to happen .... and there was a cost to us each for that .... because last night we said goodbye .... we do love each other very much ....... and in this past month we have learned more and experienced more of what we 'know' we already share.

 

I only know how to love him ....... I don't know how to leave him.

 

This will be a time of soul-searching for him ....... and for me too. We have made no promises to each other and we both agree that we need to live in the 'now' .......

 

For me that means to go on living my life here ...... without him ....... to laugh, cry, love, learn & be real ...... and not to live for the day that he returns ...... because neither one of us knows what that day brings. The only time we have is now.

 

Cultivate the wisdom of not knowing (unknown)

 

Love and peace to all my friends here on Loveshack ....

 

AR x

[jennie-jennie]

Hugs to you, Aquarius. I so understand where you are at. I would never have been able to give up the opportunity of having MM to myself for 5 months like you will be able to.

 

I just read this:

 

"All that can be said is that, whatever the situation, the pain of losing him is greater than the pain of staying. She has forfeited the option of not being hurt, so she chooses what hurts least."

 

(excerpt from A Guide to Surviving Life as a Mistress by King & Hayes)

[Aquarius Rising]

"All that can be said is that, whatever the situation, the pain of losing him is greater than the pain of staying. She has forfeited the option of not being hurt, so she chooses what hurts least."

 

(excerpt from A Guide to Surviving Life as a Mistress by King & Hayes)

 

That is such a helpful and almost healing little passage to read at this particular point of my journey ....... big hugs back to you JJ ....... It's just so timely and relevant ...... thank-you for sharing that .....

 

AR (Big Hug)

[GreenEyedLady]

I just read this:

 

"All that can be said is that, whatever the situation, the pain of losing him is greater than the pain of staying. She has forfeited the option of not being hurt, so she chooses what hurts least."

 

(excerpt from A Guide to Surviving Life as a Mistress by King & Hayes)

 

I just read this.

 

And I wonder where is the pride? Where is the self-love? These are not words of strength or of getting anywhere close to what you want.

 

These are weak words that scream: SETTLE!

 

This is a guide that puts you in "your" place. You play right into the MM's hand.

 

It's one thing to make a choice and be real about it and quite another to romanticize it into something it's not.

 

GEL

[2sure]

[QUOTE=GreenEyedLady;2326947]

It's one thing to make a choice and be real about it and quite another to romanticize it into something it's not.

 

 

Exactly. Call it what it is and face the reality of what it is and enjoy that or dont...but to add all of this drama and emotional turmoil...is just that, its just added drama. What for?

[whichwayisup]

For me that means to go on living my life here ...... without him ....... to laugh, cry, love, learn & be real ...... and not to live for the day that he returns ...... because neither one of us knows what that day brings. The only time we have is now.

 

But in one sense, you are waiting for him..for that day when he comes back. Who knows when that will be?

 

It's your choice but you should think about the grieving process and letting go so you can start to heal. To hang on, even if you're thinking 'in the now' and enjoying (or enjoyed) what you two share, you're going to miss out on other opportunities, other love interests.

 

I know you don't look at it this way, but you ARE settling. Meanwhile, all along this MM of yours gets it both ways.

[jennie-jennie]

I just read this.

 

And I wonder where is the pride? Where is the self-love? These are not words of strength or of getting anywhere close to what you want.

 

These are weak words that scream: SETTLE!

 

This is a guide that puts you in "your" place. You play right into the MM's hand.

 

It's one thing to make a choice and be real about it and quite another to romanticize it into something it's not.

 

GEL

 

GEL, I think you are a little too quick to judge this book of 185 pages and 14 chapters just by 2 sentences in the third chapter. These two sentences are part of the answer to the question "Why has the mistress decided to stay in a relationship that does not give her what she wants?" They are not a recommendation, just a statement of facts as the authors perceive them.

 

Aquarius, I just started reading this book. It looks very promising. I have read several other books about other women, but so far not found one I liked, but I am hopeful for this one. It was hard to find since it is out of print, but it can be found in used book stores. I bought the very last new copy from Amazon Canada. I literally looked all over the world for it.

 

The book is written by two OW, one who is still with her MM, the other one left hers when she finally understood that he would never leave his wife.

[Owl]

It's one thing to make a choice and be real about it and quite another to romanticize it into something it's not.

 

GEL

 

I totally agree with this. Unfortunately AR, this is exactly what you've been doing since you first came here. You're so wrapped up in the romanticizing that there's very little real world advice to offer you.

[Aquarius Rising]

I totally agree with this. Unfortunately AR, this is exactly what you've been doing since you first came here. You're so wrapped up in the romanticizing that there's very little real world advice to offer you.

 

Well I am who I am Owl ..... and I could do worse than live my life as 'a hopeless romantic' ....... these types are often inspired to write some of the best music, stories and film scripts in the world ........ I won't apologise for that.

 

I am the only person in the universe who knows what this relationship means to me ...... my perception IS my reality ....... but it's just that ........ MY reality.

 

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

Aquarius, I just started reading this book. It looks very promising. I have read several other books about other women, but so far not found one I liked, but I am hopeful for this one. It was hard to find since it is out of print, but it can be found in used book stores. I bought the very last new copy from Amazon Canada. I literally looked all over the world for it.

 

The book is written by two OW, one who is still with her MM, the other one left hers when she finally understood that he would never leave his wife.

 

I appreciate the recommendation JJ ....... it sounds like a worthwhile read ........ I'll see if I can get a copy.

 

AR

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your "Reality"???

 

WTF?

 

So your just willing to accept crumbs from this so called man while he is with someone else? Wow.

 

Just no self love at all. Is that what you want outta life? if it is, then good for you!

[Mino]

hi AR, ((Hugs)), i know its tough, but it will get better. Books on being a misstress, no you need to look at the "healing section at Barnes & Nobel. Not on dealing with the drama..of a A. Take this time where you do not see him to heal and disconnect. Find the love you deserve...... full time..

[Aquarius Rising]

It's one thing to make a choice and be real about it and quite another to romanticize it into something it's not.

 

GEL

 

With all due respect GEL ...... I think I am the only person qualified to determine what it is that I have with my MM and what it isn't. What I do know having journeyed this far is that it is not correct to assume that all OM/OW relationships are a 'one size fits all' ......

 

AR

[Sanafa]

With all due respect GEL ...... I think I am the only person qualified to determine what it is that I have with my MM and what it isn't. What I do know having journeyed this far is that it is not correct to assume that all OM/OW relationships are a 'one size fits all' ......

 

AR

 

I tend to agree ( especially in my can we all be real stage:p)

 

Aquarius,

 

Only you know your situation and only YOU can determine what is best for yourself. Personally, a month is a long time and if I would have been given that time with NC, I don't... it may have given me the strength to leave.

 

Not for him, but because living a double life is hard, and the consequences are great. Just make sure you evaluate your relationship as truthfully as possible and if the " maybe he will leave" or maybe we are different start creeping in, be well aware the chances of that are slim to none.

[jj33]

AR didnt you have a thread a month or so ago when you said he was going away coming back and then leaving again and then in December or something going away for good? And after much back and forth with many posts you decided not to?

 

Its your choice but you seem to be putting yourself in for a lot of pain - living for the moment is a great concept but when you know theres a huge emotional price tag at the end, is it reaally worth it?

 

Or is it just more self destructive behavior.

 

only you know the answer to that.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, I think you are a little too quick to judge this book of 185 pages and 14 chapters just by 2 sentences in the third chapter. These two sentences are part of the answer to the question "Why has the mistress decided to stay in a relationship that does not give her what she wants?" They are not a recommendation, just a statement of facts as the authors perceive them.

 

I don't think I'm too quick to judge the book.

 

I just have to read the title.

 

I had no interest in being ANYONE'S mistress.

 

If you want to be a mistress, I hate to say this, but that's what you'll always be.

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

With all due respect GEL ...... I think I am the only person qualified to determine what it is that I have with my MM and what it isn't. What I do know having journeyed this far is that it is not correct to assume that all OM/OW relationships are a 'one size fits all' ......

 

AR

 

I know they aren't one size fits all, personally.

 

I do know that you are in a R that hurts you. And your MM has chosen his family.

 

I remember a thread of yours awhile back. I answered this question that you had about this very situation honestly. And what I thought would happen, happened. You have given your MM exactly what he wanted. Physical access to you. And he had his fun and off to his W again.

 

Those are those facts. That is what you have with him.

 

That is what I mean about not romanticizing it. Lying to ourselves never achieves our goals. You reach goals by being realistic and making a workable plan.

 

I know you probably think I'm a bitch and raining on your parade, but I'm actually trying to help.

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think I'm too quick to judge the book.

 

I just have to read the title.

 

I had no interest in being ANYONE'S mistress.

 

If you want to be a mistress, I hate to say this, but that's what you'll always be.

 

GEL

 

 

See even when a woman has been in a similar situation and disagrees, she is called judgemental. Have an opinion that differs, you are judging.

[Mino]

I don't think I'm too quick to judge the book.

 

I just have to read the title.

 

I had no interest in being ANYONE'S mistress.

 

If you want to be a mistress, I hate to say this, but that's what you'll always be.

 

GEL

Gel, Am I reading your post wrong lately. I seem to be getting a whole new attitude from you since you have been married. I mean it seems you are now putting ow down in a snobby kind of way. Lets not forget you were the ow too, and you were in this role for some time before you married. Just something that I have been picking up in your post lately, it like you jumped fences and walla... a new Gel?

[Mino]

I don't think I'm too quick to judge the book.

 

I just have to read the title.

 

I had no interest in being ANYONE'S mistress.

 

If you want to be a mistress, I hate to say this, but that's what you'll always be.

 

GEL

I dont think they are many women here that WANT to be a mistress/OW, I think most do hope and dream to achive the same that you did....

[jj33]

Im familiar with the book and its good if you want to be "a mistress" but passages like that are to me extremely disempowering. What a choice of evils. You stay because you are avoiding pain? Its very true for many OW. But that still doesnt mean its a positive choice.

 

So GEL was not wrong. The book is about coping being in that situation. That can be empowering for some people in some situations. But that particular passage is not.

[Mino]

Im familiar with the book and its good if you want to be "a mistress" but passages like that are to me extremely disempowering. What a choice of evils. You stay because you are avoiding pain? Its very true for many OW. But that still doesnt mean its a positive choice.

 

So GEL was not wrong. The book is about coping being in that situation. That can be empowering for some people in some situations. But that particular passage is not.

JJ, I read many books on coping... Cause the pain was that great. It like a catch 22, you are in pain for staying, you are in pain for walking away... It takes time... time for either one... and in the meantime we just try to learn to cope.

[GreenEyedLady]

See even when a woman has been in a similar situation and disagrees, she is called judgemental. Have an opinion that differs, you are judging.

 

Funny isn't it?

 

I call it how I see it. Doesn't matter who's who.

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

Gel, Am I reading your post wrong lately. I seem to be getting a whole new attitude from you since you have been married. I mean it seems you are now putting ow down in a snobby kind of way. Lets not forget you were the ow too, and you were in this role for some time before you married. Just something that I have been picking up in your post lately, it like you jumped fences and walla... a new Gel?

 

I don't put down people. I try to get people to really see. To see what they want and to see the reality.

 

How is that putting anyone down?

 

I didn't call anyone something rude.

 

I simply broke it down.

 

What have I always said?

 

Look at what he does, not at what he says.

 

You can draw your own conclusions.

 

I was an Other Woman but I didn't aspire to be a mistress. In fact I am disgusted with the term. I was never anyone's soft place to fall. I was a partner, never a mistress.

 

I don't believe in wallowing, I don't believe in compulsion. We make choices because we get something out of them. To make an excuse, whether it's the kids, finances, history, it's just an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. When you take that excuse as law, you enable.

 

I don't know anyone who could have went through the role I have played and the subsequent consequences (both good and not so good) and not learned something. I have learned so much about myself, about men, relationships and society in general it has made me a different GEL.

 

But I am the same in my empathy, compassion and championing for women. I want women empowered to achieve their goals, not settle. If AR were here and saying she's happy, then I wouldn't say a word. She's getting what she needs.

 

But she's not saying that, is she?

 

Maybe you pick up certain vibes because you're convicted. There's a reason it speaks to your heart.

 

GEL

[sugarmomma]

AR,

 

As far as I can remember this was just an EA. Is it safe to assume that it has become a PA? If so, how do you feel about taking it to that level? Any regrets?

 

I am so nosey