GreenEyedLady Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 I dont think they are many women here that WANT to be a mistress/OW, I think most do hope and dream to achive the same that you did.... Mino, I agree. I refused the title, totally. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 I don't put down people. I try to get people to really see. To see what they want and to see the reality. How is that putting anyone down? I didn't call anyone something rude. I simply broke it down. What have I always said? Look at what he does, not at what he says. You can draw your own conclusions. I was an Other Woman but I didn't aspire to be a mistress. In fact I am disgusted with the term. I was never anyone's soft place to fall. I was a partner, never a mistress. I don't believe in wallowing, I don't believe in compulsion. We make choices because we get something out of them. To make an excuse, whether it's the kids, finances, history, it's just an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. When you take that excuse as law, you enable. I don't know anyone who could have went through the role I have played and the subsequent consequences (both good and not so good) and not learned something. I have learned so much about myself, about men, relationships and society in general it has made me a different GEL. But I am the same in my empathy, compassion and championing for women. I want women empowered to achieve their goals, not settle. If AR were here and saying she's happy, then I wouldn't say a word. She's getting what she needs. But she's not saying that, is she? Maybe you pick up certain vibes because you're convicted. There's a reason it speaks to your heart. GEL Is getting her needs met greater than her self respect or self love of her own being. Since when did being a side piece be cool in society. Does that make what this man is doing to her okay in her eyes. just because she's getting her needs met? WTF is this what female empowerment means? Hmmm for all you women that come on here and preach about self love and empowerment. There is something seriously wrong when you condone a woman who lusts after a man who truly isnt hers. And the sad part is...... people are okay with it. I'm never getting married. if this social board is a small microcosm of what kind of mentalities and ideologies I have to work with today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 I know they aren't one size fits all, personally. I do know that you are in a R that hurts you. And your MM has chosen his family. I remember a thread of yours awhile back. I answered this question that you had about this very situation honestly. And what I thought would happen, happened. You have given your MM exactly what he wanted. Physical access to you. And he had his fun and off to his W again. Those are those facts. That is what you have with him. That is what I mean about not romanticizing it. Lying to ourselves never achieves our goals. You reach goals by being realistic and making a workable plan. I know you probably think I'm a bitch and raining on your parade, but I'm actually trying to help. GEL I don't think that for a minute GEL .... I respect your views and those of most of the other members here. I'm just in a different space right now .... I don't feel as though I am being dishonest with myself .... MM has not seen two of his children for 8 months ... that is why he is returning at this time .... and I have known that for a very long time now. He plans to keep in touch while he is there and I believe he will. I don't know what will happen when he returns, he may be in a really different place and know exactly what he wants i.e. No further contact with me OR to pick up where we left off. Before he left he said to me that he already sees a happy, contented life with me ... but his children would be living in another country. That is not something anyone can decide easily or quickly and I respect the enormity of making a decision like that... AR Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Gel, Am I reading your post wrong lately. I seem to be getting a whole new attitude from you since you have been married. I mean it seems you are now putting ow down in a snobby kind of way. Lets not forget you were the ow too, and you were in this role for some time before you married. Just something that I have been picking up in your post lately, it like you jumped fences and walla... a new Gel? So, Gel, you ARE married. Interesting, when I told my MM of your post and your history he goes "she must be married now". Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Aquarius, you are going to hurt immensely whenever/if you decide to leave MM, so why not enjoy those 5 months with him before eventually having to go through the pain? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 I was never anyone's soft place to fall. I was a partner, never a mistress. GEL I think you've said here what I've been trying to say ..... I don't feel like a mistress ....... I have the power to choose ....... and I have chosen to explore this relationship ......... so has he .......... we may continue to do that for a long time .......... I don't know the answer to that, except that neither one of us wants to give it up ....... not because it's fun, exciting, great sex ........ but because we both know in our hearts that this is different to anything we've ever experienced before .... it's what we want in love and life ... but making it happen is very very complicated and complex..... I suppose I'm just looking at it like ........ if it's meant to be it will be ...... I've said it before ....... true love always finds a way ...... AR PS.. All of the responses here are valuable ........all of them ......however different they may be. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 That's great AR, for you and this outlook you have, but all throughout this, he's still choosing to stay married and he's cheating on his wife. You can choose not to see yourself as the OW, his mistress, and believe he is your life (I do believe that) in so many ways..Problem is, you're not involved in all areas in life. It's still fantasy and not reality in some sense. True love may find it's way but not when a MM has kids and is choosing to stay with his wife. He must love her enough to keep his family together. Like it or not, he may not want to break up his family unit, and he may love that family unit/dynamtic more than letting go and building a life with you. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 WWIU I totally agree with you. This is classic cake eating. AR if you were ok with being the mistress, that would be one thing. But to deny that this what you are is crazy. You ARE the OW and he has essentially told you hes not leaving. How does that NOT make you the mistress. Have you gone back and read your old threads. You are fooling yourself. Im not saying you shouldnt do this, but to do it and say Im shutting my eyes and if I cant see it, it doesnt exist is silly. Own your actions. Otherwise theres going to be a great big pity party in a few months. True love does NOT always find a way - otherwise we wouldnt have Romeo and Juliet and all sorts of other great literature and art. There are women who choose to be the mistress for years and do that proudly and happily but they OWN what they are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Im familiar with the book and its good if you want to be "a mistress" but passages like that are to me extremely disempowering. What a choice of evils. You stay because you are avoiding pain? Its very true for many OW. But that still doesnt mean its a positive choice. So GEL was not wrong. The book is about coping being in that situation. That can be empowering for some people in some situations. But that particular passage is not. Did you skip the chapters Ending the Relationship and Surviving Afterwards then? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 No as a matter of fact I didnt. But thanks for your concern. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 GEL I think you've said here what I've been trying to say ..... I don't feel like a mistress ....... I have the power to choose ....... and I have chosen to explore this relationship ......... so has he .......... we may continue to do that for a long time .......... I don't know the answer to that, except that neither one of us wants to give it up ....... not because it's fun, exciting, great sex ........ but because we both know in our hearts that this is different to anything we've ever experienced before .... it's what we want in love and life ... but making it happen is very very complicated and complex..... I suppose I'm just looking at it like ........ if it's meant to be it will be ...... I've said it before ....... true love always finds a way ...... AR PS.. All of the responses here are valuable ........all of them ......however different they may be. Aquarius, I hear you. This is where I am at also. In the future this may change, the pain might outweigh the pleasure, but right now this is where I am at, and no words of warning will change that. The emotions of love are still too strong and hope still persists. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Its fine to have love and hope but its not fine to fool yourself and say you arent his mistress. Thats just plain shutting your eyes to reality. When a man says its complicated and he doesnt expect to leave he usually means it. Sometimes things change but usually they dont. Im not saying AR or Jenni Jenni shouldnt continue that is their choice. Im just saying dont blind yourselves to the reality of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Since my emotions are too strong for me to separate from MM, I have the choice of looking at myself as a strong woman who makes the choice to stay with him for now, exploring our relationship to learn its potential, or to look at myself as someone in an unsatisfactory relationship who still does not have the strength to get out of it. One way I empower myself, the other I degrade myself. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Or to put another way, one you excuse yourself, the other you shame yourself. By the way, I don't feel that either portrayal of your self is helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Jasminetea, And your experience of being the other woman is...? Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 And that's relevant....? Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Aquarius, thanks for helping me gain the insight I posted above. I was really struggling today. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 And that's relevant....? Yes, because otherwise you do not know what you are talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Yes, because otherwise you do not know what you are talking about. Don't be silly. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Just telling you the truth, dear. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Please feel free to put me on ignore, I shan't mind Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 If I would put all the people on ignore on this board who do not know what they are talking about when it comes to being the other woman, there would hardly be anyone left. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Jenni you seem to be extremely defensive. You seem to take offense anytime someone doesnt agree with you. Just because someone doesnt share your view doesnt mean they dont know what they are talking about. Ive been the OW and I have to say I didnt have to go through the experience to know what I know now. I knew it all before I just decided (eyes wide open) to do what I did. But that is a lot different than saying true love will prevail.... which is a fairy tale. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesnt. Its a gamble. And AR doesnt seem to be honest with herself about that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Since my emotions are too strong for me to separate from MM, I have the choice of looking at myself as a strong woman who makes the choice to stay with him for now, exploring our relationship to learn its potential, or to look at myself as someone in an unsatisfactory relationship who still does not have the strength to get out of it. One way I empower myself, the other I degrade myself. Seems deep down you know what needs to be done, but aren't ready yet to consider the reality of your situation. Maybe it's fear of losing him and not having him in your life anymore, as an affair partner? The thing is, you were FINE without him, before your A, you'll be fine without him, if you ever choose to break it off and find someone who can offer you the world, instead of just bits and pieces on his time frame. To you, it's real, it's a relationship, it's your life..To him, and probably like most MM, it's just an affair. Ofcourse feelings are involved, but it doesn't make it realistic. Neither of you in your affair setting have to deal with the day in and day out of life, problems, kids, work, inlaws, and whatever life throws at you..In an affair setting it's all good and every moment is spent in secret, hidden away (from atleast his) behind closed doors. The emotions of love are still too strong and hope still persists And here's why you are nowhere near ending it. The hope has to die. Go read stampdaddy's threads, hopefully his situation will help you. Question? exploring our relationship to learn its potential, Is it really worth exploring the potentional your relationship with him when he isn't leaving his wife? Is being the OW enough for you? Being second fiddle? Sooner or later you're gonna want MORE from him, have alot of expectations and he won't be able to meet those because he's married and has family/wife/kids obligations already. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 If I would put all the people on ignore on this board who do not know what they are talking about when it comes to being the other woman, there would hardly be anyone left. JJ, all this means is, she's not ready to even consider any other angles of her situation, so any advice given that goes against her beliefs is going to fall on deaf ears.. Time will tell, as everyone says, actions speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
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