Trying to make sense of the effect of a past lover

[Rudderless]

Recently I got back in contact with an ex, the online social networking effect. We lived together about a decade ago when I was in my early 20's quite a serious relationship, broke up. I was a douche, very immature and did stupid things, I was sometimes controlling, sometimes verbally abusive, and I realised it, so I ended the relationship for both our sakes so that I could change. She wanted to stay, I said no it was over. She (understandably) was quite angry with me, called me every name under the sun, told me I was a controlling ahole, so invariably we drifted.

 

However, despite several relationships after that and a lot of therapy, no-one quite got that close to me as I let her. I've really never met a person since that I wanted to fall into something as serious with or if I did, I backed off. This was partly due to career building, partly due to self building, and largely due to the fact that I was very fearful of being an absolute douche again. I really beat myself up about it, probably far too much in all fairness. This isn't to say I didn't have a lot of fun, but despite giving it several chances I never felt ready to make another committment to someone.

 

The ex and I met up recently, we chatted, I apologised for all the stupid things I did and I really felt liberated after that. Almost like some kind of weight I had been carrying for so long left my shoulders. It was quite amazing really.

 

Two things are confusing me, the first, how can I have let all that stuff weigh on me for so long and actually have needed to have seen her before it had left? I mean, I talked through this so many times with a therapist but I realised that I still never managed to truly let it go until I saw the ex. I do wonder, that if I had made a serious committment to someone else that perhaps this would have got the weight off my shoulders, but to do that the weight kind of had to have come off my shoulders first, kind of like a loop I couldn't break.

 

The second thing that's confusing, is how can I still have really strong feelings for someone a decade later like they never really went away? I think this is partly to do with the fact that things really imprint themselves on me - which is another reason why I'm so cautious.

 

I know it's a shot in the dark but what I'm really hoping is someone understands what I'm talking about and can relate to it.

[leap83]

Your story sounds so familiar. I'm not kidding. I know of someone who went through/is going through the same thing right now. Weird...

 

Sometimes, because you feel so guilty about what you've done in the past that it drags you down without your realization, you need to face the "object" that has been making you feel guilty. Once that is done and you apologize, all of the weight is lifted. Why did you need to face your ex? Well, because of the things you've done to her. No one else could have done anything to make you feel any less guilty. I've done the same thing with my ex - apologized (even though, I still believe that some of the things he did to us was all his fault but I apologized nevertheless). It felt great. I can't say that I was 100% healed but I was getting there.

 

As for your second question, I really don't know the answer to that. I have been wondering the same thing for quite some time now, because it has never happened to me but like I mentioned this before, it happened to someone in my life (is still happening). How long were you going out with this girl? Maybe, if you were going out a long time, it's not the feelings you're having (yeah maybe left over ones), but the fact that when she was there, you weren't lonely... You felt comfortable. And now you don't.

 

I'm trying to understand your situation right now and it is hard for me to pinpoint as to what is and what is not. So you say none of the girls after her you were very close with? What is the definition of "close"? Did you go out with them for more than a month - was it a couple of dates, etc.? I'm asking because, as I said, I know of someone in this situation.

[Rudderless]

I actually wasn't expecting a response to this, so to hear that someone else is going through a similar thing is fantastic - thankyou very much.

 

The thing you say about guilt makes perfect sense, it's just a shame I didn't do it sooner, although it was such a destructive split I'm not sure it was possible. The ex in question was about a 2 1/2 year relationship, we lived together for a year. In terms of being lonely or uncomfortable though rather than having feelings, I don't agree. When I saw her we slipped straight back into the good part of the relationship, all the things I loved about her were still there, as much as the day I met her. That's actually difficult to type without bringing a slight tear to the eye.

 

Some of the more recent relationships lasted a few months, were sexually intimate. I count 3 of those. I did give those a fair try, we dated, did things, but ultimately I ended up finishing it because I didn't see a future in it. These relationships were interdispersed with numerous one night stands, dates, one week things etc. So I never really made the leap into a committed relationship and always held a part of me back.

 

I did get very close to falling for someone that was really into me, we had an FWB thing going but unfortunately she wasn't in the right place for a relationship at the time. I would have liked that to have gone further. I did experience something new in close intimacy during that relationship that I have never felt before which helped me heal, but it wasn't sustained and didn't go deeper.

 

Funnily enough when I last saw the ex she mentioned that a few months was actually quite impressive in comparison to her recent relationships.

[leap83]

Well... as soon as I read your post, your words echoed in my head because I've heard them before. So, you were a douche in this relationship. There's no way to try again with your ex right? Or do you believe that you're not compatible and it just wouldn't work again?

 

It's really hard for me to talk about this, so you're going to have to bare with me. The person who is going through a similar phase is very close/dear to me. Except that individual was in a longer relationship (app. 8 yrs). The thing about their relationship was the fact that it was full of control to a certain extent as well as verbal abuse. I don't know the full story and honestly, it hurts me to hear even bits and pieces of it and watch this incredible individual go through so much in terms of their emotions. Like you, they're very closed, find it hard to open up as well as afraid of being hurt, insecure, and don't know how to let go off the past. I've been trying to figure it out myself and I understand like 3/4 of what they're feeling but I'm missing that other 1/4 to complete the picture. So, I'm sort of searching in you for that last piece (if you don't mind).

 

You said how things imprint themselves on you... What did you mean by saying this? And you said how you were very close to falling for someone - if that relationship lasted, would you have fallen for them (would you have been able to fall for them)? Also, you said that you held a part of you back... Was this because you consciously did this or something was not letting you open up? Did you open up more to this other person in whom you saw potential?

 

I don't really know how to approach this situation because it is very touchy and I don't want to add to the emotional turmoil of this particular individual. I have decided that I need a lot of patience to understand/help them go through this and that's so far what I have given them. However, I feel like I'm watching them go through this alone and not really helping much - I'm just standing around. They've been opening bit by bit to me but now it's a whole puzzle piece and I'm having trouble putting it together.

 

There are a lot of thoughts on my mind right now. I don't want to post everything on this forum and I think I can't PM you either. So... yeah.

[Rudderless]

Not sure if we're compatible, she doesn't want a family, I'm not sure but would like to leave the option open. That complicates things a little too much on top of everything else

 

Things imprinting on me, I'm just like that, I'm an HSP. The way my biological system is wired is to process sensory data more deeply and thoroughly than the other 4/5 of the population.

 

Yes I probably would have fallen in love with this person. I held things back with the others because I didn't see it working long term, I opened up much more to her and let myself get closer to because I felt like she got me. Perhaps though, this was also because it was an FWB and we weren't trying hard to make anything work.

 

I wasn't just getting over this woman, things happened soon after we broke up, like I got violently attacked and developed a social phobia and it took me a long time to get over that before I could move my life on.

 

Your friend is quite lucky to have someone like you.

[leap83]

 

Your friend is quite lucky to have someone like you.

 

Thank you for that. I thought I would be able to give them a couple of weeks and now, after 8th day of total silence, I'm starting to wonder whether that was a good idea. I wonder if everything is okay (mostly that, nothing else, even though I'm starting to feel empty inside and miss them dearly). I've been trying not to call/e-mail/text "Are you okay?" for the past 2 days now because I don't know if it would do any good. I really didn't think it was going to be this hard. I guess I didn't realize at the time exactly how much they meant to me (I knew they meant a lot but didn't know the extent) and now I'm getting slapped with a lot of different feelings and it's been only 8 days.

 

Yeah. Imprinting. The same thing happens to me. When people enter my life and they're meaningful, I can't seem to get rid of memories as easily and I keep reliving them. It's kind of weird. I guess those people that mean a lot to me, even if something happens, never completely disappear from my life. That's why this whole situation is terribly difficult for me. One side of me is trying to hold on for a couple of more days, the other side is being rather irrational, impatient and annoying at times.

 

I'm sorry things can't work out with your ex. I'm sure you will find someone who is going to be able to fill that gap in your heart and make it all better. I have faith. And when that happens, make sure you hold onto it tight, because you only live once and you only get one chance to experience something like that (IMO).

[Rudderless]

leap - thanks again. I have a couple of questions for you because I don't quite understand your situation -- why is it so important for your friend to heal so quickly? Why are you so worried about them right now?

 

BeSteady thanks for your response it makes perfect sense, although I'm quite intrigued as to what step 6 is

[leap83]

Rudderless - He doesn't need to heal quickly (when it comes to me). He wants to heal quickly (because of me). I don't know if you get that sentence. Haha. I told him he can take all of the time he needs as far as I'm concerned because I know it takes a very long time to heal (it took me a year and a month to get over a 4 yr relationship).

 

As to why I'm worried - well, the thing that worries me is that he tries to deal with this on his own. He doesn't include his friends or family into the equation. He goes out with his friends and sees his family regularly, yet he never tells them about his feelings (none of them probably know any of this). The first person he opened up to was me. I won't say it wasn't hard for me to see him like this, but I asked why he doesn't talk to his friends, who would probably be able to maybe help him out a bit (it's easier when you talk with others because eventually you're able to make sense of your feelings than totally isolate yourself). He said that they wouldn't understand. I can see that happening with some people but not others. Now, I'm not there anymore for him and I'm just worried he's going to trap himself in his house, work work work and try to deal with this on his own. He's going to miss out on his life if he keeps going like this (you know what I mean?). Before, I tried my best to show him that life ain't that bad; that you can enjoy it even when you feel down like that - that there are places you can go which help your soul and mind (near water - it calms both of us down for some reason). Another thing that worries me is his tendency to over-analyze stuff. He has the exact same problem I do and it's just a very bad habit. I've been trying to get out of it and learning how to, but he hasn't. Over-analysis can cause even more confusion which was happening before - he would think and think and think and it would never stop. But he wouldn't be really thinking rationally - more like self-destructively (which scared me because I used to be exactly like that). So, I'm generally worried he won't be able to get out of this pattern without either his friends, family or me.

 

The situation is very complex (as you can probably gauge from my post ).

[Rudderless]

Sounds complex, this is probably his way of "surviving" right now though

[leap83]

Rudderless: how are you doing? Feeling any better? Just wanted to check up on you.

[Rudderless]

Thanks leap, all is fine with me, I think my head is relatively clear on this issue now. The only thing that remains is whether I should meet up with my ex again, part of me is very curious as to whether something would work out, although at the moment I can take it or leave it if that makes sense.

 

How is the situation with your friend? Is he still retreating?

[leap83]

Yeah. Haven't heard from him in 2 weeks now. He said he would call in a "couple of weeks". I'm starting to hurt now for some odd reason. I mean, this is what I chose and what I committed to and now I'm starting to back-pedal. I knew this was going to happen and I warned him. I think the worst times of the day are the mornings and evenings. I sometimes feel so empty that even if he was to call me, I don't think he would be able to fill in the emptiness. So, yes. He's still going through whatever he needs to go through. I try not to pay attention to the weeks, keep myself busy, I started cooking and doing other things to keep my mind off.... but only now I realize that I have very strong feelings for him. I didn't know this while we were together. Now I'm only realizing how much he means to me and how much of a gap he filled in my heart. I hope he knows that. I don't know for how long I can hold on without being in touch with him. This is really testing my patience and some days I just want to call him and tell him to go to hell... other times I want to be patient. It really all depends on the day. And today is the hardest one of all. I have no idea why I'm feeling like this.

 

And yes... He's something more than a friend to me. It's pretty clear now.

 

I'm glad you're doing a bit better and that your head is clear. Take your time. She isn't going anywhere (hopefully).

[Rudderless]

More than a friend? This is getting more complicated by the minute! What do you see happening?

[leap83]

Yes. He's more than a friend to me. In fact, he's the guy who showed up in my life when I decided to give up on relationships all-together. Literally, that night, he walked in my life and showed me that I can in fact feel so strongly about someone and so connected in every single way - emotionally, intellectually and physically. Just when I gave up, he managed to soften up my heart and make me laugh like never before. I'm so thankful I met him - the words can't really describe it.

 

What do I see happening? Well, as you know, the break was a mutual thing. At first, when he suggested it, I couldn't handle it. I don't do "break up-make up." You get one chance with me and once you blow it, it's done. But with him... with him it was different. I can't really explain the feeling because this was the first time I met someone whom I felt like I knew from before. I don't know if you know the feeling - that deep connection rooted way beyond feelings... the one where you know what they're thinking/feeling without them telling you. So I agreed to the break. We didn't argue. We sat and talked it through. I wanted to know exactly what he thought before telling him what my decision was so I asked him "You keep insisting we stay friends. Why is that? Is it that you see potential in us/me?" and he said "Of course. Yes." Then I said "I don't give second chances... EVER." And he said "I know," and then he looked down and sighed. Then he said "I don't deserve a second chance. I blew it. I know. I don't expect you to give me a second chance." He looked down again and sighed. I could totally tell he was not feeling very well while saying all of this. Then I said "You're the first and last exception I'm going to make on this matter." He looked at me with a very surprised face and I continued "I'm giving us a second chance. I mean, I'm willing to do that. I can't promise anything. But I'm willing to do it." He was like "The whole break up-make up doesn't usually work. I don't deserve this. I blew my chances" And I said "Yes. You did. But let me be the judge as to whether I give this a second shot or not. We're different. The situation is different." And he said "Yes. It is." Then he sighed again and he looked frustrated and I said "Why are you sighing? What is up?" And he said to me "I... I'm annoyed because this can't be now." It wasn't one of the usual nights. We were both hurting. It wasn't easy. We hugged and kissed and I felt like he didn't want to let go, but I understood why he needed to do this.

 

I have something of his that he gave me before leaving and telling me he'll call in a couple of weeks. It's important to him (sort of like a guarantee he'll be back). He also mentioned that he would love to see me again in a couple of weeks and he also mentioned he wanted to take me out on a couple of more dates and continue this. So that's where my hope is. He's not a liar. He's been very honest with me from the start (maybe even too honest).

 

It's been more than 2 weeks now. It's hard. Hardest thing I've ever done. The worst is not knowing how to deal with it. It's not a typical situation. I'm scared. I have huge mood swings - from depression to total and utter emotional turmoil. For the past couple of days, I've barely been able to keep my head up. I know that even when and if he comes back, I will need a lot more patience. But right now, all I want is to hear his voice... nothing else matters. Everything else will fall wherever it needs to. I'm just having a very hard time dealing with this. And I've tried doing stuff that keeps my mind off of it. But it's terribly hard.

[Rudderless]

Oh dear leap, I can empathise with your situation. You really have to take your own needs into consideration and put your own health first at some stage. I can understand your desire to wait this out and show a lot of patience, but do you think it's possible that it's just too difficult for you to do that? I hear what you say about this being a rare and unique connection but that's not necessarily the be all and end all when it comes to relationships, this is something I've had to learn. If it's not making you happy and there's a possibility it will continue like that, perhaps you should weigh up the importance of that happiness against what's being offered right now?

[leap83]

Yeah. Well the thing is, being with him makes me really happy. Actually being with him makes me feel incredible. It might be difficult, but don't you think it would be worth it in the end of it all? I don't know if I'm ready to give it up. Trust me. If it was anyone else, I wouldn't even contemplate about this. They would be out of my life and I wouldn't even care. I don't ever give second chances, the reason being that I have done that in my 4 yr relationship and I was wrong. But that's a whole different story.

 

It's been a couple of weeks and now I wonder whether maybe giving him a call would be a good idea? I'm not calling because I want something more (obviously can't have that and right now don't want it) but because I would like to talk about this. I wonder if it would ruin everything if I did call or if he would be genuinely happy to hear from me. I wonder... Maybe it'll be easier. How much worse can it get?

[Rudderless]

I'm sure you are happy when you're with him, the problem is he's gone awol and that's causing you distress. You're kind of in no mans land, you can't move forward unless you know what's happening either way and it appears you're having difficulty handling that, therefore at which point do YOUR own needs come into it. I'm not going to give you advice on whether you should call him, all I would say is that you have to make your own value judgement on this as to what YOU want at some point, and whether that ruins it or not is outside of your control. Remember, you're a human being and it can't all be one way traffic.

[leap83]

Yeah. I get what you're saying. I chose to do this and I believed that I had the patience/strength to do it. Thus, I'm not going to contact him. I have booked myself for the next 2 weeks, so that I have no time to think about this and let the time pass. Hopefully, that'll do the trick. I believe he needs time. It's not about me. It's about him and I need to stop being selfish. He'll call when he's ready. Until then, I'm going to live my own life the way it's supposed to be lived. Yes. I do get down because I miss him horribly. It cannot be explained. But even better! When we see each other, it'll be incredible. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Indeed.

 

I believe it's not one way traffic. He gave me an option of moving on. He stated how he doesn't want me waiting for him and how it would be selfish of him to ask me that. So, it was my choice. Now I need to deal with it. If it's meant to be, it'll be. Otherwise ........... don't want to think negatively. Haha.