nygeneral Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 This is my first post on this site. Reading the advice on this site has been very helpful to me. My girlfriend of over a year broke up with me a couple of months ago. I spent most of that time in denial and thinking about ways to get back together. I am 26. Now, I am starting to realize that this may be over for good. She is not going to call and my calling and writing will do absolutely no good. Although, I still hold onto a little hope that she will come around someday. I am slowly picking up the pieces and getting involved in new activities. However, I just can't get past thinking about the idea that this was all my fault. I tried to control her behavior and was jealous of other men in her life even though she gave me no reason to be. She made attempts to reassure me and change me, but this didn't work. I don't know if I acted this way because I was burned in the past by other girls who cheated on me or because it is a part of my personality that just won't change. Do you think this will ever change or will this be a pattern of behavior that I follow for the rest of my life pushing away the people who care about me most? How many times do I need to go through this before I learn my lesson? I don't think that I can go through this again. I know I can't. Should I be with someone who express their love in a similar way or am I just not cut out for a relationship at all? Look foward to your response! Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Sounds like you have a trust issue. Everybody knows, trust is the foundation of any relationship. You have to learn to trust others. Another way to look at it is, if people are going to cheat on you there is nothing you can do about it. So don't drive yourself crazy thinking what could happend or who she's been talking too, etc... Just trust them and if they break that trust then they are not the one for you. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Hey, general! Why don;t you take charge of your life and turn yourself into the kind of person you want to be? The first step is deciding there's something you want to change - it seems you've already done that - great! Next step - find out how. Maybe a book on "How to keep your relationship strong" or something like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 It sounds like you may have some intimacy issues that need to be worked on. Perhaps a good therapist can help you out and I strongly suggest you get counselling before proceeding to your next relationship. A lot of people who are consciously or subconsciously afraid of a quality long-term committment tend to behave in ways that will sabotage the situation and keep it from ever happening. I think that's what's going on. My guess is this all comes from issues which arose from childhood experiences, either emotional or physical abuse...or abandonment by a parent or other important person in your life at an early age. Get the help you need to arrive at the right insights and do something about them. You've got some work cut out for you but the results will be worth it. I know you don't want this to happen again but don't pick some highly dysfunctional person in order to achieve that. Work on yourself and everything else will fall into place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nygeneral Posted November 14, 2003 Author Share Posted November 14, 2003 Thanks for the responses. I read "Men are from Mars..." It helped me understand the ins and outs of being in a relationship. I learned some basic things that I just didn't understand or know about. I am going to try to find more books that focus on trust. Any other ideas on how I can work on building trust now so that when I a really care about someone these feelings are not coming out all the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nygeneral Posted November 14, 2003 Author Share Posted November 14, 2003 Ouchhh. The therapy idea is something that has crossed my mind but didn't want to face up to . But if this is what people think I need then I may give it a shot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nygeneral Posted November 14, 2003 Author Share Posted November 14, 2003 Also, you are right on with the physical and emotional abuse. Although, my parents were and are very loving too. Link to post Share on other sites
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