quankanne Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Found out last night that my mother is now receiving hospice care. She's been in a nursing home since late April, and I've pretty much made peace with the idea that she's dying. I've done this mostly through praying a lot about the situation and with the help of my friends. However, it's tearing me up inside that I can't think of how to help my dad through this. They've been married 50 years, and I think that maybe because she and I are so close, he might feel like there's no room for him. Fortunately, I'm able to be here at home with him (he lives across the state from me, we found out just before I was headed out to see him and my mom), but now I'm at a loss at what to do next. We've talked just a small bit -- he's keeping busy by running errands and finding things to do, and I'm trying to to upset him any more than necessary by not delving TOO deeply into what's going on. For the most part, he's the kind of person to have his affairs in order as a matter of course, so there's no going though paperwork, no setting up funeral plans or estate stuff or anything like that. I think it just all boils down to dealing with the emotions of all this, and I'm at a loss at what to say to him. My mom is easy because we've always had a pretty open relationship; my dad and I have usually butted heads, though he knows I love him dearly. Please give advice ... quank Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Oh quank, I'm so sorry. I am going thru an internal battle right now in trying to decide how to handle my mothers illness. We are looking at hospice care for her now too. Your dad knows you love him, but maybe it would be nice to hear it from you again. It doesn't even have to be mushy - just tell him in a conversation 'you know dad, we might butt heads sometimes but I know you love me and I just wanted to make sure you know that I love you too, and if you need anything I want to help - on your terms. Now, do you want peas or carrots for dinner tonight?' When my dad passed away we had been at the hospital for more than two days. The morning of the third day mom and I had to go home to take care of the dogs. It seemed dad was stable -- we'd been at this point so many times over the years and probably took last communion a couple dozen times. During all that time at the hospital I never said a word. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. I remember on that second day my mom crying and holding his hand and saying she was there and telling him that I was there too. I just stood there. I didn't know what to say. When we got home we let the dogs outside and the phone rang -- hadn't been home but a few minutes. It was the hospital calling to say we needed to get back right away. We let the dogs back in, gave them fresh water and food and were getting ready to leave when the phone rang again. It was the hopital calling to say that my dad had "expired." And I never said a word to him because I just didn't know what to say. I should have said "I'm here dad" that's all I needed to say. or "I love you dad". either one, or both, of those phrases would have been enough. I had over two days to say them, and I didn't. Just tell your dad that you are there and that you love him. Hugs to you quank. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 15, 2003 Share Posted November 15, 2003 Jo - I can't add anything better to Hokey's excellent advice; just wanted to send you good wishes. I've been through the hospice stuff a couple of times. It is difficult; your dad will be glad to have you there, I'm sure. Hokey - when my stepmom died in a similar situation to your dad's, the hospice nurses told us it is quite common for someone to 'wait' until the family leaves to die. The nurses speculated that the person knows the family is around and doesn't want to distress them by dying while they are there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author quankanne Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 thanks for the responses Hokey and Moimeme ... and the hugs. I had to laugh at what you said about the peas and carrots, though, that's the kind of conversation we usually DO have (address issue, then start talking about things mundane). This time it was a request for meatloaf. And he actually told me he liked my cooking At this point, I guess the hard part is being the survivor, knowing what to say or do, because nothing seems like it's enough, you know? I've tried to be good about talking to him daily, but the face to face conversations tend to be harder. We really didn't talk about it much, other than "this is what I have set up incase something happens to me first" or "this is what I've got planned for Mama," things of that nature. But I think maybe there was some reassurance to him that I did go home, that things were on an even keel or something. One thing he did do was give me a booklet from the Hospice nurses, about what to expect, Moimeme. And it talked about the need for closure, that sometimes patients refuse to let go because they feel they are disappointing their family by dying. I thought it was pretty well written. The nurses speculated that the person knows the family is around and doesn't want to distress them by dying while they are there! my hope is that when she does go, she doesn't feel like she's alone ... quank Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 they feel they are disappointing their family by dying Yes - sometimes if the person seems to be hanging on, people do give them 'permission' to 'let go'. Everyone's different. Maybe the ones who wait until the family's gone feel a little like hosting a party - you're real glad everyone came to see you and then you feel you can have a good rest because everyone's gone home. my hope is that when she does go, she doesn't feel like she's alone ... You will have had time to spend with her before and she'll be glad of that. Link to post Share on other sites
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