How do you keep a marriage/relationship alive?

[Guiltyascharged]

Me and my husband have been together for 8 years and married for one. We have two children...

 

Recently i have felt trapped and lonely (he works a lot). I feel exposed and scared that im in a big mistake.

 

How do you survive a life long commitment?

[mark982]

really could use more info.

[Vet]

Marriage shouldn't be something you approach as a survival. If you're struggling every day to survive, there is no way you can keep that up forever. I think the best marriages should be like a boat on the calm ocean: sure once in a while things are going to get rocky and there will be a storm, but for the most part, it's just a natural, easy ebb and flow.

[Enema]

This post usually is followed by, "... and I met this guy and we have such an amazing connection...."

 

So, who is he?

[Stung]

Good observation, Enema. It's her husband's best friend. She has a few other open threads about it, and about trying to get over her crush on him.

[Guiltyascharged]

Good observation, Enema. It's her husband's best friend. She has a few other open threads about it, and about trying to get over her crush on him.

 

Haha! Excellent detective skills, im impressed....

 

But surely that shows you i want to save my marriage, and i do not want to be with this friend.

 

Me and my husband have been rocky for a while. I feel that maybe we rushed into moving in together, having children, getting married etc and at the moment (even before the issue with this friend) it has felt like an uphill struggle.

 

I do love my husband but the buzz has gone. I said this to my husband but he simply said "it doesnt last forever"... is that true?

 

Dont get me wrong, our sex life is amazing; but as far as im concerned thats not the be all and end all...

[quankanne]

oh, good heavens! Why do people think that just because you pledge your troth to someone, that it's going to be "happy every after," when a relationship is a living, breathing entity that needs all the TLC you can throw at it to keep it alive?

 

if you're not happy, TELL HIM. If it's something specific that he's doing, gently explain that his drinking, his lax ways with money, his spending hours on end on the computer or with friends is hurting the marriage. If it's something YOU can improve, then do it.

 

other men/women are GOING to look better because they're part of an escape fantasy. I guarantee, if you somehow ended up with this guy you're crushing on, he's gonna drive you nuts, too, simply because reality will have to enter the picture at some point.

 

are you really serious about trying to keep your marriage afloat, serious to a point where you'll try something new? If so, look into a marriage enrichment program, one where you learn to communicate better so that your needs are better met and you're on the same page as your spouse. I've heard Marriage Builders highly recommended by some 'Shackers; DH and I went on a Marriage Encounter retreat 10 years ago and that turned us around COMPLETELY. To a point where we know that even when the shxt hits the fan, it has nothing to do with the bedrock of mutual love and respect we have for each other. That this love is what is constant, and the rest fleeting problems ...

 

right now, I think the best thing you've got going for you is that you've identified the problem and that you seem open to doing something to combat it – that's more than half the battle conquored!

 

good luck, hon.

[Guiltyascharged]

Quankanne, thats really helpful! Maybe the marriage thing is something to look into; if it helped you theres hope for me!

 

As for this other guy; he is simply an incredibly good friend. A moment happened and whilst it has messed my mind on what i am truly doing and what i really believe - i know there is no future for us. And to be honest, i wouldnt want there to be. He is my best friend and i would not want to screw all that up just for a screw you know? I know my husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me and i know he loves me. Deep down i do love him but all this debris of life has just knocked me out!!!!

 

It doesnt help that with this other guy - we have fun. He is out of the every day life picture so we have a ball! And because he is a close friend i look out for him, im protective, i get jealous. Yes, i do believe that in another place and another time we would have been great together (can i say that?) But he is not my husband. He is not the incredible person that i married. or the amazing father to our two beautiful children.

 

I just hope this is a fleeting moment - i despair at feeling like this. I feel emotionally drained and physically exhausted and i hate this feeling of being lost and out of control!!!

[quankanne]

in the overall scheme of things, this is merely a blip. Can't emphasize enough how much I've wanted to squarsh DH's pinhead because he was being ... well, a pinhead, lol. And the few times that I was ready to walk away from the marriage because the challenges seemed greater than the energy I could summon to overcome them.

 

what you feel for your friend is perfectly natural – you just need to keep those feelings in perspective (which you sound like you're doing), and part of that perspective is to look at your marriage first and foremost.

 

our marriage stemmed from a long-distance relationship, where we only saw each other twice a year. The jobs he held down after we married also were away from home, and it was as difficult being apart as it was for us to be together because there was no "normal" ... now, I know I can tell him I feel lonely, that I need wifey time, that I think he's ignoring me, etc., and he responds in a way that gives me access to him. Again, it took that marriage enrichment retreat for us to be able to communicate better, and I'm thinking you two would benefit from it greatly.

 

think of it this way: you know the winning play is within reach, all you & he have to do is coordinate yourselves and execute that play!

 

other thing I ought to ask: Is there anything in your life going on that's caused/causing great stress? When we moved my dad in with us last year, it took a serious toll on DH mentally and emotionally (dad was dying, DH his primary caregiver) to a point where he pretty much flipped out from the stress and was threatening divorce over the stupidest things. We got him back on his anti-depressants and it's like a whole other world for him: Things are annoying at the most, not a huge crisis, you know?

 

so look at what other factors are affecting you and try to isolate what they are so that you can address them. If I'm reading correctly, your honey works or is gone so much that it feels that the burden of child-rearing is completely on your shoulders ... and that's a world of stress I can't even begin to comprehend, as we don't have rugrats ourselves.

 

talk to him ... you might be surprised at what's on his mind, but he hasn't found words to address the issue!