Old girl "friend" wants to hang out. Need advice

[OMLAGIRL]

[font=century gothic][/font][color=indigo][/color]My boyfriend has been communicating with an old friend of his that happens to be a girl. It also happens that he has been intimate with this friend in the past. The fact that he has been communicating with her had been kept from me until I saw her number on the cell phone bill. This worried me so I confronted him about it and asked him when was the last time he had talked with this girl. He said that it had been at least 3 months since they had spoken. I knew this was a lie since I had seen the phone bill. When I confronted his about this he said yes he had lied and he was sorry but they were just talking on the phone. Since she lives out of state I felt that it was no big deal and accepted his apology. Now the problem. She is back in town and wants to hang out with us this weekend. When I boyfriend told me about this I said I wasn't interested in hanging out with her. Now he is very upset and thinks I'm keeping him from his friends. Am I? Why can't he understand that since he has been intimate with this girl and lied to me regarding her I don't want to hang out with her and don't think he should either? I think he's disrespecting me.

 

Anyone have any suggestion on how I should deal with this?

 

Thanks![font=century gothic][/font][color=indigo][/color]

[midori]

Seems like there are two ways of looking at this, and maybe according to you the first way is the truth, but according to your bf the second way is the truth:

 

1. As you've laid out, you happened to discover that he was conversing with this girl, with whom you know he has a history. Given the recent frequency of their communications, his lying to you about it at first, and your personal instincts as a woman, you are quite suspcious of this girl's intentions.

 

2. You've been suspicious of this girl from the moment you discovered your bf had been intimate with her at one time. You did not "just happen" to be looking at his cellphone bill; you knew what you were looking for. When asked when the last time he'd spoken to her was, he already knew that if he admitted the recent conversations you would be upset, so he gave a vague and distant answer instead -- only to find you'd set a trap for him. There is nothing between him and this girl except friendship, and he feels he should make some effort for her since she's trying to re-settle in the area.

 

If you're quite sure it's #1, then yes, I agree that your boyfriend needs to recognize that he poisoned your peace of mind by lying. Why lie, why assume that you would find his friendship with her to be objectionable -- guilty conscience?

 

But make sure you're quite certain. Sometimes we think we're keeping things to ourselves when in fact we radiate them. If you've been suspicious of this girl all along, chances are your bf knew it.

 

I think a compromise might be to meet this girl for a drink -- only a drink -- and only stay for a couple of hours at most. Your boyfriend will need to make it clear to her that you're part of the package when it comes to socializing with him. I don't think you absolutely have to be worried, but until you've met her and are reasonably certain that she accepts your place in his life your caution is reasonable.

[BbyBrownz]

I would say not a chance at him seeing her. There is a huge difference between guys and girls being friends, and guys and girls with an intimate past hanging ou. Espicalyl when he already lief to you about it.

The only way I personally would make an exception is if I was there, at all times. Your b/f needs to understand that when he lied to you he lost some trust. And he needs to rebuild that trust when it comes to the other girl. I dont think it is asking to much at all for ou to be there and ALL hang out together. At least this way you can see the way they interact together and take it from there. Best of luck