total, absolute abandonment

[ryepatch]

hey,

 

so my wife left suddenly two months ago--been together ten years--and has abandoned me financially, emotionally, socially. we never had too many local friends-have only lived here a couple years-and somehow she's convinced them not to talk to me. we have a beautiful, traditional relationship-except she's the hunter and i'm the gatherer. so i haven't worked formally for several years-working on getting a freelance career off the ground, odd jobs, doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, taxes, home repairs. all she does is work, her free time is hers to do as she pleases. it's made us really happy.

 

i have no friends left in town, no job-we'd decided that she go back to school, and i supported her through it-and so i have no degree, a spotty resume, and there are no jobs. she cleaned out our bank account, left me with not enough to pay rent the day before rent was due.

 

she blew through all our money this summer-partying, travelling, shopping; lying to everybody, drinking first thing in the morning, doing drugs, lashing out in paranoid rages. totally manic.

 

i've tapped out my friends and family, and although everybody says i have to be patient and wait for her to come back, i'm out of options. she left me with our beloved cats, all her paintings (she's an artist), family heirlooms, photos, everything. doesn't care about anything. our therapist says she may be bipolar; she insists she's fine.

 

i can't get through a single minute of the day without total anxiety. i can't find a job no matter how hard i try. my only option, it seems, is to file for divorce, and ask for spousal support. i don't want a divorce, though. i want her to come home.

 

i have no life, no identity, no life. . .

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow this is huge, you have a tremendous amount hitting you all at once, my heart goes out to you - I was in a very similar situation about 20 years ago, on my own, broke, with seemingly no where to turn.

 

All I can suggest, as simplistic as it sounds, is to urge you to think about the things you CAN control, and at least for now put all the rest on the side.

 

First and foremost you need to figure out how to keep a roof over your head, and food in your cats' dishes. Can you pack everything up, put it in storage and move in with someone? Of course you must find a job. Doesn't matter what it is - even working at McDonalds is ok right now. YOu need money coming in, no matter how small.

 

You cannot control what your wife does, so I suggest you don't think about it.

 

For now put one foot in front of the other - to keep yourself and your cats alive - and of course post back here, we will do our best to be there for you.

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

I'm so sorry to hear what is happening to you. I can relate somewhat to what you are experiencing there are some similarities in our situations. My ex of 18 years left me 5 months ago. I had been a housewife for 7 years prior to his leaving, I too have not been able to find work. However, I am very fortunate in that my parents have taken me (and my cat) in and I got a settlement as we co-owned the house. I am going back to school in two weeks to do law. I can only imagine how hard this for you.

 

I can totally understand that you do not want to divorce your w in order to get spousal support, if she is unwell (bipolar) I guess you are hoping eventually she will crash from the mania and be taken into hospital for treatment. So, what to do in the short term?

 

Suggestions

Is it at all possible for you to move in with family?

 

I know the state benefit system is different in the US than here in the UK, are you able to claim any support?

 

Are there any minial jobs about for the short term, such as labouring, bar work, whatever, just to pay the bills?

 

Can you start some vouluntary work whilst you look for paid employemnt, this will actually help your resume for finding paid work?

 

Would your local church be able to help? Sometimes they have outreach programmes, they will help with food and such in the short term and help get you into work long term.

 

I know how it feels to have your whole identitiy and worth as a person tied up so well in another. When this happens you not only experience the loss of them but also, your identity, your life, your future. It's incrediably painful and you wonder how on earth you are going to pick yourself up and find a way through this. All that you thought you knew and you thought would always be has gone. Again, not just them, but your world in every sense. I lost my home, my furniture, my belongings, my income, my day to day existence changed, overnight.

 

Keep posting here, check out what help is avaiable to you, ask your family for help if you can. You're not alone, we are in this together, and we will get through it together.

[ryepatch]

well, i got food stamps, which helps a little, and arizona low income health insurance, which doesn't pay my therapy bill. that's all the help out there, though. i might be able to get legal aid to help me with divorce paperwork, i have to look into that. my family is a couple thousand miles away, along with all our close friends. (my wife has shut out her best friend, too-she only wants to hang out with new people).

 

i'm never going to give up on her, but i might have no option but filing--you can get temporary spousal support here while a divorce is pending. if i don't find a job in a few weeks i'll have to, i think. i can always rip it up at anytime.

 

some of my friends think that if she gets divorce papers, she might get scared into losing me, not take it for granted that she can come back whenever she crashes. i just want to work out an amicable separation, even if she won't come home right away. she said she doesn't want to fool around with other people, and doesn't want to go through a divorce, but in the same breath will insist she's not coming back.

[Liquid9898]

well, i got food stamps, which helps a little, and arizona low income health insurance, which doesn't pay my therapy bill. that's all the help out there, though. i might be able to get legal aid to help me with divorce paperwork, i have to look into that. my family is a couple thousand miles away, along with all our close friends. (my wife has shut out her best friend, too-she only wants to hang out with new people).

 

i'm never going to give up on her, but i might have no option but filing--you can get temporary spousal support here while a divorce is pending. if i don't find a job in a few weeks i'll have to, i think. i can always rip it up at anytime.

 

some of my friends think that if she gets divorce papers, she might get scared into losing me, not take it for granted that she can come back whenever she crashes. i just want to work out an amicable separation, even if she won't come home right away. she said she doesn't want to fool around with other people, and doesn't want to go through a divorce, but in the same breath will insist she's not coming back.

 

I think she is having an affair behind your back and has been cheating on you for a while. She has probably moved in with her new boyfriend.

 

Do you know where she is and who she is living with or sleeping with?

[ryepatch]

she's living with a thrice-divorced female friend of hers (who she's always claimed not to be attracted to, and i'm pretty damn sure she isn't), the woman's 11 yr old daughter, and the ex-husband, who spent some time in jail and somehow got swastikas tattooed all over his forearms. (my wife is a gradeschool teacher and pacifist, and normally wouldn't be in the same room with this guy.) she insists this has nothing to do with anybody else, the thought of being with somebody else grosses her out. our therapist grilled her in private and confirmed this, and all our friends (that're talking to me) agree. she says she just wants freedom. she's been really depressive over the last year, and we just turned 30 and she said she can't deal with being in a relationship right now. . .

[Auroracoladybug]

ryepatch it sounds a lot like my husbands excuse...can't be in a relationship right now...my advice don't fight, get your feet (I don't know where mine are either yet but that slippery slope can only last so long), stick with the therapist, she is not the woman you married right now and do not treat her as such, it hurts to hear it every time but it is so true FOCUS

[Gunny376]

Time to catch the Big Grey Dog or the first thing smoking out of town back home!

 

There's breast implants, dental implants, all kinds of things that modern medical science can do?

 

But there's no fixing 'stupid'!

 

Not meaning any disrespect to women here.

 

But from their late twenties to late thirties?

 

Women 'peak' sexually ~ and its "Girls Gone Wild"

 

Not a hard and true for any and all women ~ but it happens enough to become a cliche!

[Auroracoladybug]

sorry hit return...FOCUS ON YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT...

 

we may love that person we are married to but we can not control their feelings and actions. The rollercoaster sucks! I enjoy speaking or reading Tojaz and Gunny...

 

hell today I was told that because I work and make over $500 a month I can't get much of any help and I have a 2 year old to think of...guess I look at it this way...well I am screwed for help but I am not that person making that little...

 

keep your chin up...and don't let anyone make you think that you did something wrong that is BS...we are not the leavers we are the ones who didn't give up and don't want to give up but we can not live our lives waiting for some SOB to wake up to what they could have...who knows we may move forward and they may come back into our lives in some way (the ones we loved and married)...if they don't atleast we are living our lives not hiding and begging...

 

I wish you the best of luck honestly...my hopes for all of us to have a much happier life with or without our SO's...some we know are not worth it as they are now but we never know what might happen in this life...

[Auroracoladybug]

Gunny...

 

looking at it I think my husband is the female of our relationship lol!

 

no seriously though... I am 30 and he is 32...I was his first at 20 yrs old and (as far as I know) only...I even told him after our first fight that I wondered if he was fighting with me to see if I would run to someone else and also because he was questioning if the grass was greener on the other side...

[ryepatch]

yeah, well, we definitely have reversed gender roles. . . she loves her lovin' but not like she loves her freedom. . . i always complain that she doesn't let her feelings out, she complains i want to talk too much. she can't cook, can't foodshop, i'm happy at home and love cooking for our friends when they come over for dinner and drinks, she's the one bringing the friends home in the first place. . . i'm happy staying home 20 hours a day, can't wait til we have kids i can take care of, she's crazy when she doesn't have a job, needs to go out. . . it's always worked for us, though. she says sometimes she's a lesbian who happens to be into men's bodies. . . that's why she loves me. . . also, i remind her of her mom (only child, single mom). interestingly, she ran away with me when she was 21 (we dropped out of school together and went from ny to cali), and didn't talk to her mom for six months. . . our therapist says it's the same thing all over again.

[Auroracoladybug]

****...I need a male wife! lol sounds like she truly is not steady in anyway...I respect that you love her just don't lose you...She is an idiot for leaving a person who supports her...but all leavers are idiots unless both parties are ready to leave then it is an agreement and respectable...even then I think most of the crap people base the D on is BS

[Gunny376]

Gunny...

 

looking at it I think my husband is the female of our relationship lol!

 

no seriously though... I am 30 and he is 32...I was his first at 20 yrs old and (as far as I know) only...I even told him after our first fight that I wondered if he was fighting with me to see if I would run to someone else and also because he was questioning if the grass was greener on the other side...

 

What you need to do is get on the phone and get on your Congressman's or Senators @ZZ!

 

And get them to working on why you can't draw food stamps, Section 8 housing ~ Help!

 

Dammit, I paying taxes to help out folks such as you!

 

PM me and I'll do it for you!

 

I'll be all over their @zz like a pack of pitt bulls over a three legged hair-coughing, sick cat!

[ryepatch]

****...I need a male wife! lol sounds like she truly is not steady in anyway...I respect that you love her just don't lose you...She is an idiot for leaving a person who supports her...but all leavers are idiots unless both parties are ready to leave then it is an agreement and respectable...even then I think most of the crap people base the D on is BS

 

man, thanks so much. i post on craigslist divorce forum and they tell me i'm a lazy piece of crap and so forth. i appreciate it, really. not enough people are telling me how awesome i've been, how hard i've tried. . . yeah, it's like when somebody leaves you, it's always a BS excuse, there's never any reason you can sink your teeth into. . . she always told me she'd never leave me, if she left she'd come back, etc. she always said she'd never just give up, if we were having problems, we'd go down fighting, 6 months of marital counseling first, etc. i got two sessions, both after she left, the second of which she showed up drunk out of her mind, not having read my suggestions for a separation agreement.

 

three days before she left, my parents bought her a car, she agreed to pay them installments. she bailed, and my parents are stuck with the car. (long story). she sold our air conditioner, and went on 4 vacations this summer while i sweated out the arizona heat.

 

she always looked down on people who ended up divorcing, said they were never in love in the first place, or were too selfish for love. . .

 

where the hell did my beautiful, loving, kind, compassionate wife go?

[LisaUk]

Into the bi polar pit?

 

This isn't normal behaviour you are talking about here, she sold your AC to go on vacation? She's been doing drugs?

 

Check this out as well, may apply www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com

 

Never listen to anyone who tells you being a homemaker is not a job. I did it, I did everything in that house, cleaned his car, even his d**m shoes, our home was spotless and he got to enjoy all his free time, never having to lift a finger. I hardly call cleaning a home for 6 hours 3 times a week, doing the garden, pressure washing the patio, cleaning cars, washing windows, laundry, ironing, including pressing suits, washing up, even doing odd jobs including painting, I could go on............... being lazy!

[ryepatch]

that website looks awesome!!! it'll take a while for me to absorb it. . .

 

well, we were a week away from moving crosscountry, and she was severely depressed and had no energy and kept on saying she didn't think she could handle it. so i said, "tell your boss you'll be back in the fall (she was a teacher and had quit her job) and we'll stay here, go into therapy, i'll get a job, whatever we need to do." we went into therapy that week, to make sure we were making the right decision, and she mentioned nothing about leaving me, even to the therapist when i wasn't in the room, we didn't talk about our relationship, just about whether or not to do the move. we decided to do it, she said she was up for it now. so we bought the second car (which is still at my parents house cross country), sold both our ACs and most of our furniture, and were about to rent a Uhaul. . .the day after we sold the last AC, i woke up to find her gone, and she'd left barely enough money to pay rent, let alone buy another AC.

 

she took acid with a friend in utah, went to some Rainbow Gathering hippie festival in New Mexico and did god knows what, went to Wyoming to visit some girl she'd just met the previous week, finally went to New York to visit her bitter, divorced mother, who she doesn't normally even talk to all that much. she told me she'd done cocaine, and the woman she's living with in the ghetto and all her friends do coke regularly, so it's a fair assumption she's doing a lot of it. she has an "anything goes" attitude right now.

 

and yeah, homemaker IS a job, whether you have kids or not. maybe not when you divide the chores, but when you're doing all of them (including packing her lunch every night and cooking dinner every night, and from scratch, without a microwave, no processed or prepared foods, fresh baked bread, fresh organic vegetables from the garden. . . washing stains out of her underwear and fixing her clothes (it took me a week to sew back together her favorite coat she's been wearing 12 yrs.), all the shopping (and i'm damn good at shopping, go to 3 supermarkets a week to buy loss leaders and clip coupons, and stock up, etc.) plus i do our taxes, furniture repair, minor house repairs (for a while we were living in a rundown house where i was basically exchanging repairs for rent).

 

plus i'm a writer, have written one book which will hopefully get published soon, and am starting to get a freelance career off the ground (still no real money, you have to grow your name and body of work in nonpaying markets for a few years first. . .

 

i was planning to go back to school, too, but she closed down the account that studentloan money was getting debited out of and i got kicked out of the loan rehabilitation program, which means i can't get financial aid now. . .

 

thanks!!!

 

 

 

 

Into the bi polar pit?

 

This isn't normal behaviour you are talking about here, she sold your AC to go on vacation? She's been doing drugs?

 

Check this out as well, may apply www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com

 

Never listen to anyone who tells you being a homemaker is not a job. I did it, I did everything in that house, cleaned his car, even his d**m shoes, our home was spotless and he got to enjoy all his free time, never having to lift a finger. I hardly call cleaning a home for 6 hours 3 times a week, doing the garden, pressure washing the patio, cleaning cars, washing windows, laundry, ironing, including pressing suits, washing up, even doing odd jobs including painting, I could go on............... being lazy!