What should I do?

[Alissa]

I know this is one more of these under the surface things and the first-view objective answer to my problem would be "leave him alone and get yourself a life!" but it's not that easy.

 

There is this guy I met about 2 months ago and I liked him from the beginning. I thought we were kind of clicking and getting along really well. And there also was some response from him from the start.

 

Everything was working out alright, we could talk, we always had body contact when we met until I found out over one of his friends that he is presently in a relationship.

 

He knew that I knew, and i really wanted to end all this and just start being friends, but he did not change his way of acting towards me. But he also wouldn't go further. We would not kiss or start anything but he did not stop trying to seek contact (if you can call it like this)

 

I really gave all this a long good thought. I respect other people's relationships and I never would try to interfere. But my feelings for him are quite strong and I just fail to understand why he does this.

 

I know he would never actually cheat on his girlfriend (although in my point of view this has already something to do with cheating) but on the other hand he also does not really leave me alone.

 

Like for example he would always leave his hand in contact with my hand so that I can take his and we can hold hands. And when we meet at a bar he stays there with me even if his friends go to some other place although nothing ever really happens and he would have far more fun with his crowd.

 

And yesterday I brought him to the taxi cuz he was not feeling so well and when we said goodbye he was like allowing me to kiss him. That sounds really stupid but it was like I could have started to kiss if I wanted, he left it up to me. But I just couldn't although I wanted to. So I just gave him a kiss on the cheek.

 

But that really bugs me! He always leaves the final decision up to me. Like I can take his hand if I want to but I don't have to. He never starts anything actively.

 

I know, I should just forget about him, but I am honest now, I'm pretty weak! It is just hard to be not egoistic and think about his girlfriend, cuz I have feelings for him. But it is always me who has to make the decicions he just sets the borders.

 

This is really dragging me down cuz if he loves his girlfriend, and if he wants to stay with her then he should stop seeing me. And I know he is really interested in me, it is not just him being horny, cuz for that it goes on to long and he does not really have anything from it, and besides, there is nobody else who he does this with, cuz if he would be a cheater, there would be more girls around and there are none!

 

I feel soo miserable, this is really dragging me down. It is hard cuz I always end up alone because I do what is right and what is best for others and not what I really want to do. What should I do?

[Tony T]

You end up alone because you DON'T do what is right and what is best for others.

 

You said right up from that the most objective answer to your post would be to ""leave him alone and get yourself a life!" but it's not that easy."" That would be the right thing to do but that's not what you want to do.

 

You actually want a guy who would lie to you by not telling you he was in a relationship and then, after you found out, continue to flirt with you and lead you on and let you make the decision as to whether or not you want to kiss him based on what you know.

 

This guy is playing you for a first class fool and you are being sucked right into it. You said you were weak. Well, love is NOT for the weak. You can get crushed, pulverized, scrambled, mashed, grated, sliced, etc. by love if you are weak and don't hold your own against manipulating male buttholes who will do anything they can to satisfy their egos and get what they want from someone like you who is weak. YOU BETTER GET STRONG AND TAKE SOME CONTROL OVER YOURSELF.

 

Your neediness is indicative of very low self-esteem and self-worth. Someone in your development must have put you down terribly...or events may have pushed you to the depths of your self-concept. Work on knowing you deserve the best and demand honesty, consideration, and respect fromt he people you associate with.

 

Perhaps my definition of right is different from yours and therefore I am not qualified to answer this.

 

You have fallen for a guy who lies to you, cheats on his girlfriend and seemingly has no conscience about it.

 

You say you feel miserable but you don't want someone to tell you, in your own words, to "leave him alone and get yourself a life!"

 

So your having said that, there is really no viable solution to your misery.

[LT]

dear lady, you need to get pissed off at this man, face to face. Memorize some of those nice names Tony used and make sure he hears them coming from your lips. Then walk away.

 

Oh yeah, and tell him thanks for teaching you a very valuable lession. Trust me, there are quite a few men out there like that, and the next one you bump into you'll recognize immediately and walk around!

 

Understand this: Real men do NOT want to be chased. They don't leave decisions up to the woman. THEY pursue. THEY make the first move. Men that have to be chased are NEVER NEVER worth it because they don't want to be caught, they just need to feed their little egos. (as in "They want me, I can't help it...") Now, be a REAL woman and go find a guy or two who will pursue you...and then you will have the best decision of all...whether to be caught or not.

 

LT

I know this is one more of these under the surface things and the first-view objective answer to my problem would be "leave him alone and get yourself a life!" but it's not that easy.

 

There is this guy I met about 2 months ago and I liked him from the beginning. I thought we were kind of clicking and getting along really well. And there also was some response from him from the start. Everything was working out alright, we could talk, we always had body contact when we met until I found out over one of his friends that he is presently in a relationship. He knew that I knew, and i really wanted to end all this and just start being friends, but he did not change his way of acting towards me. But he also wouldn't go further. We would not kiss or start anything but he did not stop trying to seek contact (if you can call it like this) I really gave all this a long good thought. I respect other people's relationships and I never would try to interfere. But my feelings for him are quite strong and I just fail to understand why he does this. I know he would never actually cheat on his girlfriend (although in my point of view this has already something to do with cheating) but on the other hand he also does not really leave me alone. Like for example he would always leave his hand in contact with my hand so that I can take his and we can hold hands. And when we meet at a bar he stays there with me even if his friends go to some other place although nothing ever really happens and he would have far more fun with his crowd. And yesterday I brought him to the taxi cuz he was not feeling so well and when we said goodbye he was like allowing me to kiss him. That sounds really stupid but it was like I could have started to kiss if I wanted, he left it up to me. But I just couldn't although I wanted to. So I just gave him a kiss on the cheek. But that really bugs me! He always leaves the final decision up to me. Like I can take his hand if I want to but I don't have to. He never starts anything actively. I know, I should just forget about him, but I am honest now, I'm pretty weak! It is just hard to be not egoistic and think about his girlfriend, cuz I have feelings for him. But it is always me who has to make the decicions he just sets the borders. This is really dragging me down cuz if he loves his girlfriend, and if he wants to stay with her then he should stop seeing me. And I know he is really interested in me, it is not just him being horny, cuz for that it goes on to long and he does not really have anything from it, and besides, there is nobody else who he does this with, cuz if he would be a cheater, there would be more girls around and there are none!

 

I feel soo miserable, this is really dragging me down. It is hard cuz I always end up alone because I do what is right and what is best for others and not what I really want to do. What should I do?

[D.]

Oh, Alissa, so very many cliches come to mind that fit your situation so well. Here are a couple: "He wants his cake and to be able to eat it, too" ... also "Why buy the milk when you can have the cow for free."

 

Darlin, he is "playing you like a cheap fiddle". Oppss, there is another one.

 

How great for him to have the security of the girlfriend that he loves and have you "waiting in the bleachers". And how sweet of you to do just that. Actually, it is NOT sweet at all. You show yourself great disrespect and extreme low self esteem.

 

Once you very first learned that he had another relation with which he was serious, that would have been the appropriate time to talk to him and make him aware that you will NOT be his "chick on the side". You deserve far more and won't be a "second hand rose".

 

This guy has it really great right now. You are not placing any pressure on him to make a decision, so why should he? AND JUST WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT THE KIND OF GUY HE IS? He is not being honest to his girlfriend and he is playing with your head and heart. Oh, he may not look at it that way ... but since you ARE feeling the way are are ... your head and heart ARE being played with by this guy's behavior toward you (AND you are allowing it!).

 

So he always leaves it up to you to make the decision to "hold hands" or "kiss" or whatever. Well then, make a decision. Tell him you would love nothing more but that your conscience just won't allow you to be more intimate with him since he is already seeing someone else. "Put the ball in his court". Make him be the one to make the next move. YES, you may lose him .... then again you may find that you end up having him all to yourself and can freely express your affections without knowing it would cause pain to another.

 

I have to tell you one thing, I really admire your ethics! There are not many people in your position who would have second thoughts about doing their best in your given circumstances to do whatever they can to steel this guy from his girlfriend.

 

I hope you will consider my advice as, not only will you benefit, but so will he and his girlfriend (who probably has no idea of what is going on). Sweetie, you are the best friend that girlfriend has right now and she does not even know it!

 

Make a decision. Good Luck!