Chellie Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 We've been married for about eight months now. Prior to us getting married, I raised a lot of concerns I had about our communication issues and our sexual problems. He refused to seek counseling, as he said it'd make us failures before we even got married, and that we just needed to "make things better". I agreed with him, mostly because I've been in love with this man for five years and of those five years, three of them were with me in a really severe depression and he stuck by me through all those awful times. I felt (and still feel like) I need to stick by him through this and just figure out a way to make it better. The problem is, is that it hasn't become better; every six to eight weeks or so, I get frustrated at the lack of communication, or the lack of sex, and try to talk to him about it. He gets upset with me, says he's tired of these "cycles" and never knows what's going to set it off. I keep trying to explain to him why - maybe it's that we've had a particularly good time, or have had a certain experience that in the past has led to sex and this time it doesn't, something like that. As far as communication goes, he doesn't really talk very much.. I have to essentially badger him to talk to me, yet when I say there's something I don't want to talk about, he gets mad at me. Right now the issue is sex; we haven't had actual sex for 2.5 months. The thing that gets me is that we have other sexual contact - oral sex, etc. Just not intercourse, and I have no idea why. I don't know if he just doesn't want me anymore, maybe he thinks it's not worth the effort? I don't know. Sex has become one of those things that I think about a lot and am sad when it doesn't happen. Prior to this last lull, we'd been having sex about every four to six weeks, which was still a problem for me. Last night I was upset about it again, and got up out of bed because I didn't want to bother him while he was trying to sleep, and I didn't want to fight, which is what would happen if I tried to talk to him about it. When I came back to bed, he asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. That of course made him mad at me, so he started getting frustrated and wouldn't let it go. So I finally told him and of course that made it all worse. Nothing was resolved (as usual), and today he told me that "this needs to stop right now" in terms of me being sad about it, and I told him not to talk to me like that. Then he said that if I'm so unhappy, that I should leave him and get it over with. I find it so frustrating that he would say that to me - in a perfect world, neither of us should ever say that to each other, but in reality, I feel like it shouldn't be said unless that's what you really want. I said that to him, and he said that it's what *I* want -- wtf??? I don't want to leave him, I just want to make things better! I don't know what to do anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 get your hiney and his to a marriage counsellor so you two can learn how to communicate more effectively. Him turning down the opportunity before y'all got married wasn't a smart idea, though I understand how someone can be made to feel it's about blame, and not about learning how to communicate. sex and family and money are the three things couples fight about, and after 17 years, that hasn't changed, lol. However, we DID take a marriage enrichment course offered by my church, and it's helped greatly in our ability to better communicate with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Chellie, this is a very critical time and, if your marriage can be saved, you and your husband will need to participate in the solution. You can not do it yourself, and I'm thinking the two of you need to find a good MC, because this issue is bigger than the both of you. He needs to see that the failure is when you don't seek help. Not everyone can solve all their problems without professional help from time to time. The first question that comes to my mind is, and I'm hoping it's not true, but, do you suspect your husband is seeing someone else? Lack of sex just seems odd if he doesn't have any medical issues or is otherwise healthy. It hurts to find out, trust me, I know. But you have to know the truth to move forward. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chellie Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 I just don't know how to get him to go to counseling. When I was depressed, he knew it was the best thing for me and pushed me to do it, but with us, he refuses. He really won't do it, and I don't know how to make him see that we need it. redtail, honestly, I don't think that's it. Not because I think it's outside the realm of possibility, but mostly because when we're not at work, we're almost always together or hanging out with our mutual friends. He goes out once in awhile with work people and I have no reason to doubt he's there because he usually invites me to go with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Liquid9898 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 You should pack your stuff and leave for two weeks. If he doesn't beg you back, it might not be worth saving. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Your husband sounds very stubborn. It's really important to sit down and " communicate" with him about seeking marriage counseling. If you have to, drag him to a private clinic. If this marriage is going to work, both person have to put in the effort. Yet, in your case, your husband is very unwilling. Also it's a libido problem I think. Maybe you just have a higher libido than him. Link to post Share on other sites
asireen Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 Prior to us getting married, I raised a lot of concerns I had about our communication issues and our sexual problems. He refused to seek counseling, as he said it'd make us failures before we even got married Your opening sentence says everything. This is a marriage that should never had happened. If you don't have children with each other, it is time to call it quits. The prognosis of this marriage does not sound positive. Link to post Share on other sites
KikiW Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 If he encouraged you to seek counseling but refuses to do so together, I suspect (I may be wrong, I am not a psychologist!) that he believes YOU have the issue that needs to be fixed and that HE is fine. The problem is that you two are not communicating effectively. And if he doesn't put the effort in to fix that, there is no hope. You CANNOT change him or fix it on your own. A marriage is a team effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Another thought. He's avoiding intercourse because he is afraid you will get pregnant? Have you talked to him about wanting children early in your married life? Link to post Share on other sites
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