Do you ever feel this way in your ldr?

[Romance]

Not to make a whiny first post, (I'm new so nice to meet you all!) and I'm glad to find a community of other people who understand.

 

Anyway, do you all ever feel alone/abandoned when your significant other is out with their friends and you're home alone? It seems to happen a lot. I only have a very small group of friends..whereas my boyfriend has many friends and has plans every single night. He is always pretty busy, going to work and college and having plans every night..whereas, I'll have plans on the weekend occasionally but don't stay out very late.

 

It's like we are at different points in our life because I am only 18 and he is 22. So he is moving out to his own apartment and being independent and can also go out and drink with his friends..whereas I still live with my parents and rely on them and cannot go out and drink and do the same things he can with my own friends.

 

I kinda just feel left out. Like he was able to take his friends shopping to furnish his new apartment..whereas I was sitting at home..and I just get really jealous and I don't know how to handle it. We do text virtually all day (unless in class or busy at work or at a party) and try to fit in a phone call every single night..but still..I feel like a loser because all of my friends can hang out with their boyfriends..and I sit at home..yet my boyfriend has plans every night.

 

Ah sorry this was so long....i just have NO ONE to talk to about my relationship and I have a very hard time with it.

[Maggs]

I can't say as I've ever felt alone or abandoned but there are times when significant events are going on and I feel horrible for missing out on them. Like for example, his stepsister had a baby a few months ago and I saw him a couple of times when he was just a newborn but won't see him again until he's over a year old. And my soon to be brother & sister in law have just found out their expecting and I won't be there for the pregnancy (she's been a friend of mine for years) and I won't see their baby until he/she is 4 or 5 months old.

 

So yea..things like that are rough. And birthdays, family get togethers, etc. But I try not to dwell on it too much. There will be loads more opportunities for new memories once I move there.

[Romance]

I can't say as I've ever felt alone or abandoned but there are times when significant events are going on and I feel horrible for missing out on them. Like for example, his stepsister had a baby a few months ago and I saw him a couple of times when he was just a newborn but won't see him again until he's over a year old. And my soon to be brother & sister in law have just found out their expecting and I won't be there for the pregnancy (she's been a friend of mine for years) and I won't see their baby until he/she is 4 or 5 months old.

 

So yea..things like that are rough. And birthdays, family get togethers, etc. But I try not to dwell on it too much. There will be loads more opportunities for new memories once I move there.

 

Yeah, true. I do hate missing his family get togethers when I hear "Oh my sister has her boyfriend here..my brother has his girlfriend here.." And then I can't be there, like I don't exist. And since we don't really have a set time to ever live closer to each other, it's hard for me to think "well..someday"

 

lol, I think I am just being MUCH too needy!

[alwayslookingup]

Hey there,

I understand what you mean and how you feel. My boyfriend just transferred colleges so I get that way when I hear about what he is doing and what is going on and it is just frustrating to not be able to share in it. I don't have time to say too much right now, but I'll get back on here tomorrow and we can chat about it some more!

[Romance]

Thanks alwayslookingup, ill be looking forward to talking to someone else who feels the same.

[jlaa29]

I know how you feel. Although me and my boyfriend aren't at different points in our lives we are on opposite sides of the world. I do find my self jealous sometimes when I know he is out with friends having a good time while I'm on the other side of the Earth. My jealousy is not really because he is out busy and I'm home doing nothing - but rather that he is out doing something fun and enjoying himself without me - selfish I know. I guess sometimes I just worry being apart that he might forget what it is to be like WITH me and realize he can still be happy without me + then decide to date someone closer to him. Although I am starting to feel reassured that this won't happen as he has just booked his flights to come over to spend Christmas with me and my family + then I may be permanently moving over there in January STAY STRONG.

[alwayslookingup]

Hey Romance,

Okay. When I read your post a light bulb dinged above my head! I have been struggling to put into words how I feel about this LDR and being separated from him. I think you described the feeling very well! And it's not even when I am sitting at home and he has plans...I still feel lonely when I'm out with a ton of people and not with him. I think it's because he is just the one person I want to share everything with. He is my best friend and it sucks he is not around to be with. And, somewhat wrongly, I DO end up feeling abandoned, although I know that loving someone means wanting the best for them. I want him to be happy and have friends, but, alas, I still get sad.

 

Ugh! It is so hard to put into words!

 

I am super frustrated right now too because he is moving into his new house and I have only gotten about 5 texts from him all day. I know he is busy but we typically text constantly throughout the day so I hate going hours without hearing from him

 

Sometimes I really just wish we lived in the generation where letter writing and a very occasional phone call was protocol for communicating with your SO, only then would it feel normal to go awhile without hearing from them! I guess we are just spoiled...sure makes the distance easier in other regards though.

[Island Girl]

Sometimes I really just wish we lived in the generation where letter writing and a very occasional phone call was protocol for communicating with your SO, only then would it feel normal to go awhile without hearing from them!

 

 

Absolutely 100% not true.

I have lived on BOTH sides of that equation.

 

I would agree that not knowing how it feels to NOT have the ability for constant contact may be "spoiling" you.

But I wish for you never to find out what it is like.

 

 

It would be in your best interest to start forcing yourself to look at your glass as half full rather than half empty.

Be happy with what you DO have instead of what you don't have.

There are people out there quite a bit less fortunate who would just about kill to be in your "horrible" position.

 

And you will find that if you can get your mind in gear the days in an LDR are MUCH more bearable.

[alwayslookingup]

Eek, sorry Island Girl. I didn't mean to offend you, I was just doing some mindless ranting post-reading letters exchanged between my grandparents while he was fighting in WWII. I find them to be good inspiration, as I am well aware things could be A LOT worse....such as in military or other over-seas relationships.

 

I have only been doing the long distance thing for a couple months and right now we are adjusting to a new change as both of us go back to school, but this time we aren't going back to the same place. I agree it is best to always keep a positive attitude and things will go a lot more smoothly, but I typically get shaken up during a big shift.

[Island Girl]

Eek, sorry Island Girl. I didn't mean to offend you, I was just doing some mindless ranting post-reading letters exchanged between my grandparents while he was fighting in WWII. I find them to be good inspiration, as I am well aware things could be A LOT worse....such as in military or other over-seas relationships.

 

I have only been doing the long distance thing for a couple months and right now we are adjusting to a new change as both of us go back to school, but this time we aren't going back to the same place. I agree it is best to always keep a positive attitude and things will go a lot more smoothly, but I typically get shaken up during a big shift.

 

No no! I am not offended at all. And please don't worry about that. If you feel like saying something - say it. If I or anyone else is offended it is really my/our problem -- not yours!

 

As a matter of fact I look to that era (WWII) when I have moments of feeling sorry for myself. In those days, letters were all they had and often the letters were sent or received without even knowing if that person was alive, etc. I can't even imagine how hard THAT must have been!

 

And I look here on LS at the dating, break up, and coping forums when I have those negative feelings as well. It only takes a few to realize how lucky I am to have found him and have a relationship with my "One" at all.

 

Thank you for the completely unnecessary apology to me.

I guess what I meant to say frankly came off as angry. I didn't mean it in that way.

[Romance]

Hey Romance,

Okay. When I read your post a light bulb dinged above my head! I have been struggling to put into words how I feel about this LDR and being separated from him. I think you described the feeling very well! And it's not even when I am sitting at home and he has plans...I still feel lonely when I'm out with a ton of people and not with him. I think it's because he is just the one person I want to share everything with. He is my best friend and it sucks he is not around to be with. And, somewhat wrongly, I DO end up feeling abandoned, although I know that loving someone means wanting the best for them. I want him to be happy and have friends, but, alas, I still get sad.

 

Ugh! It is so hard to put into words!

 

I am super frustrated right now too because he is moving into his new house and I have only gotten about 5 texts from him all day. I know he is busy but we typically text constantly throughout the day so I hate going hours without hearing from him

 

Sometimes I really just wish we lived in the generation where letter writing and a very occasional phone call was protocol for communicating with your SO, only then would it feel normal to go awhile without hearing from them! I guess we are just spoiled...sure makes the distance easier in other regards though.

 

Ah yeah I feel lonely and sad even with my friends because I just really want to see him. I feel sad missing him just like i would if one of my girl friends lived far away. It just sucks to miss someone allll the time. My bf was moving into his new place today too so really no texts..like im used to lots of texting. Ah.

 

I think I'd go crazy with only an occasional letter!

[Romance]

I know how you feel. Although me and my boyfriend aren't at different points in our lives we are on opposite sides of the world. I do find my self jealous sometimes when I know he is out with friends having a good time while I'm on the other side of the Earth. My jealousy is not really because he is out busy and I'm home doing nothing - but rather that he is out doing something fun and enjoying himself without me - selfish I know. I guess sometimes I just worry being apart that he might forget what it is to be like WITH me and realize he can still be happy without me + then decide to date someone closer to him. Although I am starting to feel reassured that this won't happen as he has just booked his flights to come over to spend Christmas with me and my family + then I may be permanently moving over there in January STAY STRONG.

 

I agree my jealousy is just of the other people--i wish i could be in their shoes having a fun time with him.

 

I'm glad everything is going well in your ldr! thanks!

[carvidep]

I know exactly how you feel. My sweetie has multiple groups of friends who he does things with on any night that does not precede a work day. We don't do too much texting or calling, mostly e-mails and 1-2 hour daily skype chats.

 

The most helpful advice that I've read here on LS time and time again is when you miss him and can't talk to him, keep yourself busy. Doing things to keep your mind off of missing him will make you feel better. if you spend your time sitting and being sad about not having him around, you begin to forget about yourself and what makes you happy. This way you'll have more stories for him, too, and he'll surely be very intrigued by you doing your own thing!

 

I recently moved to a new apartment and had somewhat of a falling out with my core group of friends, otherwise I'd be going out on weekends like he does. I'm doing my best not to depend on him to make me happy at the moment haha. I've been mostly keeping myself busy with cleaning, unpacking, and homework. But he called me completely out of the blue last night after I'd gone to bed. I loved hearing his voice in my ear so much!!!

 

You're not being too needy, hun. I'm sure he would appreciate you telling him how you're feeling, so don't be afraid to let him know. He may make a few changes to fit more time in for you, or maybe even send you a couple of texts during work or at a party.

[Romance]

I know exactly how you feel. My sweetie has multiple groups of friends who he does things with on any night that does not precede a work day. We don't do too much texting or calling, mostly e-mails and 1-2 hour daily skype chats.

 

The most helpful advice that I've read here on LS time and time again is when you miss him and can't talk to him, keep yourself busy. Doing things to keep your mind off of missing him will make you feel better. if you spend your time sitting and being sad about not having him around, you begin to forget about yourself and what makes you happy. This way you'll have more stories for him, too, and he'll surely be very intrigued by you doing your own thing!

 

I recently moved to a new apartment and had somewhat of a falling out with my core group of friends, otherwise I'd be going out on weekends like he does. I'm doing my best not to depend on him to make me happy at the moment haha. I've been mostly keeping myself busy with cleaning, unpacking, and homework. But he called me completely out of the blue last night after I'd gone to bed. I loved hearing his voice in my ear so much!!!

 

You're not being too needy, hun. I'm sure he would appreciate you telling him how you're feeling, so don't be afraid to let him know. He may make a few changes to fit more time in for you, or maybe even send you a couple of texts during work or at a party.

 

Aw thank you. I do try to keep myself occupied and realize if I am going to be with him it is just how the relationship has to be for the next few years..I just always wish I could have him there next to me. Sigh, but oh well, maybe it will get easier after while, I can only hope!

[Thornton]

The problem is that he has a life and you don't, so you feel left out - there's nothing for you to be getting on with while he's out doing his stuff. Imo if you're constantly doing stuff with other people instead of spending time with your sweetie (even if only online) then the relationship is unlikely to last - particularly if you're both young and out meeting other eligible people.

[Els]

The problem is that he has a life and you don't...

 

I wouldn't QUITE put things this way, to be honest. Really, going out ALL the time is quite overrated -- to me at least. I don't quite see how 'going out' equals to 'having a life'. I've heard of people going out a lot in LDRs JUST because their SO was too, so they felt that they had to for some reason or another. I tried that myself too with my ex -- when he left to study overseas, I literally made plans to go out with random people ALL the time. But I realized that when I was out with people I wasn't really close with just for the sake of being out, I wasn't really having fun anyway. It felt empty. I realized that I was just going out to feel like I 'had a life without him', and I realized that it was pointless.

 

OP, instead of getting yourself down because he's out late all night and you can't be, surely there are other things that you enjoy doing? Going out for late nights is certainly not the only possible way you can 'have a life without him'. Just because he's out with friends and you're not, how does that make you a 'loser'?

 

A more crucial question would probably be: Do you feel he makes the effort to spend enough time with you despite his schedule?

[alwayslookingup]

I agree with Elsywth. I am not a party animal and my boyfriend definitely goes out a lot more than I do. I definitely feel that pull to go out just because he is and then I won't feel lonely sitting at home...but, truthfully, I feel just as lonely when I am out doing something I don't truly want to do. I would just suggest picking up a new hobby (hey, my new favorite one is entering sweepstakes online--sounds ridiculous but it really keeps me busy and gets me excited to win something:D) or nuturing an old one. I really do feel for you because my SO is my favorite person to have fun with and not having that joy on a regular basis (especially after getting used to it) is really tough. I am sure that gradually you and I will both find the whole thing to be easier with feeling "off" when our SOs are out on the town without us.

[alwayslookingup]

And, ps, I sometimes feel like a "loser" when I am not bar hopping and he is getting wastey with his fraternity brothers (ughhh...frat boys are bad enough!) but that is just a blow to my self esteem. I know he is thinking of me and wishing he could spend time with me, but, men will be like men. They don't think like females do! But they do miss us being there

[Romance]

The problem is that he has a life and you don't, so you feel left out - there's nothing for you to be getting on with while he's out doing his stuff. Imo if you're constantly doing stuff with other people instead of spending time with your sweetie (even if only online) then the relationship is unlikely to last - particularly if you're both young and out meeting other eligible people.

 

Haha, it's not exactly that I have no life! It's just that in my small town there is not much for an 18 year old to do..I cannot go to clubs and bars like he can and stay out until 3 am. Whereas most things for 18 year olds to do close around 11..so I am home way earlier than him while he is still out doing stuff and I guess it just makes me jealous.

[Romance]

I wouldn't QUITE put things this way, to be honest. Really, going out ALL the time is quite overrated -- to me at least. I don't quite see how 'going out' equals to 'having a life'. I've heard of people going out a lot in LDRs JUST because their SO was too, so they felt that they had to for some reason or another. I tried that myself too with my ex -- when he left to study overseas, I literally made plans to go out with random people ALL the time. But I realized that when I was out with people I wasn't really close with just for the sake of being out, I wasn't really having fun anyway. It felt empty. I realized that I was just going out to feel like I 'had a life without him', and I realized that it was pointless.

 

OP, instead of getting yourself down because he's out late all night and you can't be, surely there are other things that you enjoy doing? Going out for late nights is certainly not the only possible way you can 'have a life without him'. Just because he's out with friends and you're not, how does that make you a 'loser'?

 

A more crucial question would probably be: Do you feel he makes the effort to spend enough time with you despite his schedule?

 

 

I feel like he does, yes. He does want me to come out to see him/allow him to come here almost every weekend. Also no matter how late he comes home, if I am still awake he wants to talk on the phone for a bit. I do feel he makes an effort..he's just busier than ideal for me

[Romance]

I agree with Elsywth. I am not a party animal and my boyfriend definitely goes out a lot more than I do. I definitely feel that pull to go out just because he is and then I won't feel lonely sitting at home...but, truthfully, I feel just as lonely when I am out doing something I don't truly want to do. I would just suggest picking up a new hobby (hey, my new favorite one is entering sweepstakes online--sounds ridiculous but it really keeps me busy and gets me excited to win something:D) or nuturing an old one. I really do feel for you because my SO is my favorite person to have fun with and not having that joy on a regular basis (especially after getting used to it) is really tough. I am sure that gradually you and I will both find the whole thing to be easier with feeling "off" when our SOs are out on the town without us.

 

 

Aw thank you! I'm glad you feel similar, it helps knowing someone does.