What do I do to get her back?

[live2demo3k]

I had this girlfriend, Ashley, for the past 11 months, I don't know how close two people can be without being married, having kids, and all of that, but we were as close two people can be. We went through everything together, a lot of rough times on both sides, and we had so many great times together too. Well, she had always asked for a promise ring, talked about naming our kids, stuff like that. So I finally gave in about a month ago and got her that promise ring, I'd been wanting to do it forever but could never really see it financially do-able. Well I got it for her, and about a week later I tried taking her out to dinner and was going to give it to her then, but she cancelled on me to go out with her friend, this wasn't like her, but it's what she did. So I tried to reschedule, and it didn't work out like I wanted, she ended up at my house and she was staying the night, well she decided we needed to talk, I said alright, well about an hour later we were officially on a "break". I wasn't happy but what can you do, I figured the best thing to do was to just agree and let it take it's course, I was sure it wouldn't last.

 

Fast forward a week, it's Friday night and I ask her if she wants to go out to a movie, she says no she has plans with her best friend Whitney, to go over to another guys house, she swears theres nothing there, she just wants to go out and experience life again. This surprised me a lot and my initial reaction was to argue, telling her that was ridiculous, but she went. The next day, same thing, the next day, she wasn't going out but she said she wasn't sure we needed to hang out. She said she still loved me so much, she missed us, but she just needed time away.

 

Well during that next week we did finally go out, we went to the movies, out to eat, back to my place, *wink*, and everything seemed great, she talked to me about going to my family's thanksgiving stuff with me.

 

A few days later, it's Friday night, I ask her if she wants to do something, she says no, that she has told me before we are on a break and don't need to hang out right now. Am I missing something or did I just get lead on or what? Oh well, continuing on, I argued again at this point, and we didn't talk til Sunday, she calls and says she thinks we officially need to break up, for right now. She promises me shes not saying its over for good, just for right now. That's just how its been ever since then..

 

Tells me that we are not over for good, she wants me to call her, but she doesn't wanna hang out, won't even give me a hug all of a sudden when we see each other.

 

I have no idea what happened at all to do this.

 

So I'm sitting here, completely being ignored by her for the time, with two options.

 

I just let her have her space and pray that she will come back to me before she moves on or anything like that.

 

Or.

 

I give her a poem I wrote for her, try to talk to her, and give her the promise ring, and maybe she will remember how stuff was and snap out of her thing she's in.

 

I need help, ASAP. Please, anyone.

[mr_roggger]

I think wait for a bit, giving her the poem and the ring may push her away and alienate her even more right now...If it is true love, she will come back to you I'd say...I'm wishing my ex would come back to me right now too, but she didn't say all of the tings yours said...

[IOnceWasHis]

Personally, it sounds to me as if she isn't really sure what exactly she wants, so rather than be fair to you, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She went out with you and "wink" went back to your place? THEN she says that she's already told you that you two were on a break? It sounds to me like she wants all the great things in your relationship without the commitment. I would do what I could to move on, at least in my heart and mind.

 

I know how tough this is, but you sound like a wonderful person, and there's no reason that you shouldn't be living your life if she is apparently living hers without feeling like she owes YOU something. If nothing else, this girl owes you honesty, clarity, and fairness, and I haven't heard anything to suggest that she's done all three.

 

If you want answers, I would ask her to meet you to discuss things (maybe go to a park where there's no confusion as to what is going on), and if she doesn't want to, tell her that it's really important to you, and if she ever loved you, you need to talk with her.

 

Good luck to you, and God bless! Hang in there!

L

[Vivid_29]

Dude - She's toying with your emotions and you are letting her. I know you love her and care for her, but if you keep hanging on, only you are gonna be hurt in the end. Don't write anymore poems and if you do, don't send them to her. Get it off your shoulders and then burn them. Hang on to the promise ring. Giving it to her may be a little more than she can handle and it could push her away even more.

 

Hang it there and keep your head up. Go and hang out with friends, meet other people, pick up a new hobby. All these can speed up the recovery process. You will find your way!!!

[UCFKevin]

Don't bother. DO NOT BOTHER.

 

When a girl says she wants to break up, or wants a break, it's over. Give up. Don't try to win her back. It'll just make her dislike you more. Walk away. It's over.

 

As someone who JUST went through the final break up yesterday, I can say with utmost confidence that there is no point for you to continue to try. Just move on.

[live2demo3k]

Update

---------

 

I was going to try out the space thing, I didn't agree much with it but I had no other options. I was driving by her house going to my moms and I give her a call on my cell phone to say hey how are ya doing, and she says she doesnt feel good, I ask if she wants me to stop by and stay with her for a while, she says sure. Well I had no intentions of giving her the promise ring after what I read on here, yet it was in my coat pocket, and for some reason, her hands were cold. Next thing I knew..

 

"What's that.."

 

She smiled, can I see it? I told her I really didn't have any intentions of giving it too her right then but that's how it worked out, and I made it clear I didn't buy the ring for her so she could just see it. She took it out and opened it, started taking off her rings, and I asked her if she really wanted to wear it. She said yes but that she wasn't sure she couldn't promise for sure. I told her well that's the whole point in wearing it, she said yeah I know, alright and I put the ring on her finger.

 

For maybe a minute, everything was perfect, like it would have been if we never would have broke up. I kissed her hand and held her, said we loved each other.. and then all of a sudden, it's gone.

 

She took off the ring, put it back in its box, and put it away in her dresser drawer, said she was so sorry and told me I needed to go home.

 

Somehow, I didn't lose my temper, probably because I was too crushed, I just stared at her, and finally got up and she walked me to my truck, gave me a hug and I got in, and left.

 

Side note: Keep in mind how she put it on, acted fine, then suddenly, no I can't.

 

Alright, so that night I hung out wiht some friends and the next day I was just hanging out and I guess everything just got to me and I decided I was tired of being confused, and that she owed me some honesty (like someone on here said). I had just talked to her on the phone so I knew she was home and her family was too, so I figured it'd be fine. Well I head on over, when I get there I tell her we really need to talk, that I think she owes me that, and that if theres any chance of us fixing this and stopping the downward spiral/cycle, we have to talk. Phone rings, friend of hers, apparently shes going over there here pretty soon so my timing was horrible. We were sitting there on her couch just making casual conversation when all of a sudden she starts asking me all these questions, apparently a few former friends (definetly not anymore, for reasons like this) had decided to tell her, this was not the first girl I'd done this with and that I had told them very long ago I was using her simply for sex and I felt sorry for her because she had been depressed a long while back, so I wouldn't break up with her.

 

Needless to say, it's hard to convince a girl who you have been disagreeing and fighting back and forth with for the past 3 weeks, that these people lied. She says they had no reason to and stuff like that, so it's hard to believe me. I tell her the truth, I can see why it would be hard for her to believe me, but I swear up and down none of it's true. It isn't true by the way and if there was anything I could do to prove it, I would.

 

Well she leaves the room when she gets a phone call, I'm basically sitting there saying I'm screwed, why do I keep trying, this is a dead end, and she comes running back into the room, tackles me (in a playful manner), I kiss her on the cheek, and she starts holding my hand. Well, we sit there and I tell her again how much bs it is, and she says alright, "I love you so much", and the hardest part is, it was genuine.

 

We go outside, I'm getting ready to leave, and we're on her porch, she hugs me, and we're sitting there holding each other and I push her away enough where I can hold her face, I go to kiss her, she goes to kiss me, and then she turns her head at the last second. Bam. What the hell is that?

 

I go to my truck and leave.

 

I call her over to my truck because I had forgotten to ask her if she'd need a ride tomorrow or if we'd be hanging out anytime soon so I could keep it in mind with my schedule.

 

She looked at me, shook her head, and walked off.

 

I'm confused, anyone got answers at all?

[sean001]

I just went through your situation although you actually went out and got the ring. I seriously considered it and am SO GLAD I didn't.

 

I hate to say it -- but it was true for me and I think true for everyone when someone leaves -- we have no control and we can't "win back." For whatever reason, if we continue to make ourselves available, the person loses interest in coming back because we are still there. In other words, they haven't really lost us yet.

 

It wasn't until I completely LET GO of my ex that she came back. And when I mean let go, I mean stop calling, stop writing, stop sending letters, stop taking her calls, etc. My ex rejected me and then kept calling me acting like nothing had happened. I had to put my foot down and tell her to leave me alone.

 

Once I did that, about 2-3 weeks later she came crawling back -- and then she had to WIN ME.

 

The bottom line is that someone has to feel the actual pain of losing someone in order to see what it is they lost. Until I cut all ties with my ex she never really felt what it was like to "lose" me because I was still around. Once that happened, she realized how much she truly loved me and didn't want to let me go. I'm still struggling now with trying to figure out how to work this "new" relationship with her, but that's another story. The chance is here. And only from letting go.

[hrtbrokn]

Man your situation is almost exactly the same as what i am going through. she tells me pretty much the same too, people tell me to give her her space. anyway i go down to her house tonight for thanksgiving and when she gets up to go to the bathroom her mom tells me that she is on the phone all day long. I know exactly who she is talking to, the son of a lady she works with, because she used my cell phone to call him once and told me she was calling one of her girlfriends. Anyway about a week ago i ask her if she still talks to him and she says not very often. well now it sounds like she is talking to this guy alot more than i thought.

 

when i first asked her why she is calling him she tells me that he is having a hard time because his girlfriend just left him and took their daughter and now he never gets to see her. So i am like well ok we have a daughter together too and you are doing the same thing to me as this girl did to your "friend". It is just hard for me to give her her space when i know that she goes to parties on weekends with her girlfriends and this guy eventhough she tells me that she is just friends with him.. I wish i knew what the heck to do...

 

Jr

[live2demo3k]

The situation hasn't gotten any easier, some days I can make it without thinking about her too much, but others, like today, it hurts like hell.

 

Since my last post it has been kind of a blur, there have been a lot of ups and downs, I'll try and go through the important ones.

 

One day she brought me a letter, came up to me, gave me the letter and walked away, didn't say hi or bye or anything, well, apparently a friend of hers told her that I always talked about how I was just staying with my ex because I felt bad for her since she had been through some rough times and that I had tried to make advances on my ex's friend, so the letter to me says, do not ever talk to me again, do not ever call me, do not even look at me anymore, and that she was moving on to another guy that she liked anyway. I was crushed, mainly because it was complete lies and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it, if she was that adimate that I shouldn't call her, I had to respect it. Well luckily by gods graces she called me late that night just to say sorry for what she had said and to see if it was even true, I told her it was a bunch of bs but that I think it was horrible of her to not even consult me first and to tell me that stuff. We got off the phone and I was going to bed when she calls back..

 

"I miss you so much."

 

Apparently she decided to stop all the lying and to sit down and have a talk with me, we talked about how we missed each other, how bad we wanted to be able to spend time together, and she said that the whole thing about her moving on with a new guy was just because she was mad. I guess I believed her, I had to, what other choice is there for someone this deep in love in that situation. She begged me not to be with anyone else while we were apart and kept making references to getting back together. She ended the conversation saying all that she had told me was true, but that she was so scared if we spent anytime together something would happen and we would be back together, and she isn't ready, so she needed more time to herself. Said love you, and got off the phone.

 

We didn't talk much for the next few days and then I took her flowers this last Wednesday, she showed mix reactions and I hung out there for a while, I tried to give her a hug and she pushed me away and said she wasn't ready for that, so I backed away and later when I was there we were listening to some music and she was dancing and I stood up and the next thing I knew she was holding my hands and then we kissed, we both kinda looked at each other like what is that all about, then I let go and said "I thought you weren't ready for that" because she always lectured me for trying to make moves on her, I left a while later.

 

Friday, I called her and we talked for a few minutes and she says "Hey, what are you doing tonight?" in a curious, do you want to do something voice, and so I said nothing, maybe you want to go out to eat or something? and she says no, I already have other plans, all weekend, sorry. That bothers me that she would even ask like she cared and then say that, she said she had to go take a shower and get ready to go out and that she would probably call me back before she left.

 

I still haven't heard back from her and ever since we got off that phone I've been wondering what is the next step.

 

On one hand I have gotten her to the point where she can be honest with me and admit she still wants to be with me and loves me so much, but just isn't ready.

 

On the other hand, the longer I stay close to her without us being together, the more used to it she gets and the more relaxed she is that I will be here all the time for her as a 3rd or 4th priority in her life and a back up plan.

 

I don't want to throw away a chance even if it is slim at this point, so it's hard to walk away, however I feel if I am going to walk away from her, now is the best time, now that she has told me she realizes what I mean to her, I'm tempted to tell her, get ahold of me again when your going to do something instead of just talking about it.

 

That's all I have so far, what should I do?

[live2demo3k]

After thinking about it every possible way I could, I've decided I'm giving her the choice, the last one I ever plan to give her.. if she wants me to stay and start giving me the time and place in her life that she supposedly still wants and that I think I deserve, then we start fixing things and I stay around, if she still isn't ready to figure out what she wants.. I'm going to tell her thank you for the time we had and thank you for the experiences you gave me, maybe we will run into each other a few months or a year from now and we can see what happens then, and that I quit for now. I don't see any other way around it, she goes back on forth on me so much, I want you, I love you, I miss you and other times, I don't have time to talk to you right now I have *insert bogus other plans here*, I don't know what I want. They may all be legitimate statements from her, but they are so shifty that I can't handle it. I never know which side of her I'm going to talk to, the hold me and kiss me side or the I'm too busy and we aren't together anymore side. Will keep you informed what happens..

[sonofnorth]

I am going through the pain of a loss right now and I know how it is. This is actually number two in a row of extremely painful losses. Heartache and I are close company.

 

Let me tell you what I have learned.

 

If you are the kind of person who knows what it is to love truely you would be willing to give life itself to protect it if it would do any good. The object of your love is so important to you that part of you would die without her/him, and accepting that loss feels very wrong to you.

 

The world has been decaying into a more and more shallow, inconsiderate, selfish and decadent place and true love is rare in one who is not able to at least imagine the pain of rejection.

 

Your love is good, however hers is not complete or mature yet.

 

The man who wrote above is exactly right in what he said. Your chances of securing your loved one in a committed and loving and valued (from both sides) relationship is very slim at best but almost nil if you continue to make yourself available to her in the face of such unfair and selfish treatment.

 

The best odds you will ever have of reuniting with her is by hardening your heart and moving on for real. That is your best chance of prompting her to straighten up and show

you some consideration and respect. If not, at least you will get the grieving proccess over and hopefully find someone more loving towards you sooner that way. It will also be a good life lesson to her about the consequences of disrespecting and mistreating people.

 

If she does call, don't drop everything to make yourself available to her. She has been unreasonable. If she calls and seems interested, you tell her that yes, you do love her, but she has to either be a significant other or at least a friend to you (if you are willing to be just friends with her). Tell her that she is just being all take and no give and you won't stand for it anymore.

 

If she says she just wants to be friends, hold her to the same standard you hold your other friends to, no exceptions. If she is not as cool to you as your other buddies are, then drop her as a friend too, just as you would them.

 

She doesn't get some magical exception to be neither friend nor lover just because she is willing to selfishly play you along. If she won't be either to you then you need to drop her totally and find a woman who will love and respect you. Allowing that kind of treatment to continue makes you a piece of carpet and no woman I have ever known will ever learn to respect a man who is that forgiving until she is well into menopause.

 

You could be a martyr for her, which profits nothing except that you show sincerity, or you could also show your sincerity by only allowing the kind of relationship that benifits you both, not one that would aggrivate her malcontent state by not giving her the standards and borders that she needs to be a psychologicaly well person capable of quality love.

 

Believe me, people who are selfish actually don't like themselves very much deep down. Allowing selfishness to continue hurts you both. You either grow together or decay together. If it won't be nurturing and wholesome, do not abide it.

 

I am sorry life has to be so rough, but these modern times have corrupted our family and relationship values so bad that people can barely love each other anymore, except just enough to make pain for each other.

 

True deep committed love is a rare gift from GOD and is usually only found in those who embrace and draw close to HIM.

 

Lastly, the only other thing and hands down the very best thing you can do is to Pray to our Heavenly FATHER. Doing that, and what I advised you above will give you maximum chances of restoring your lost love (if such is GOD's will) but they are also the best possible things you could do to survive and thrive if that relationship is not restored.

 

May GOD bless you with all the Love you can handle and a heart of peace.

 

Sincerely, Eric

[3k]

I GOT HER BACK A LITTLE OVER A MONTH AGO, THERE IS HOPE OUT THERE GUYS...

 

The way I got her back, just gave up.. sad, but true.. stopped calling, stopped writing, didn't even look if I saw her somewhere, just tried to pretend she didn't exist, after a few months I got a call.. saying she was so sorry and the time she was without me she realized what I was to her and now shes come back and I AM IN CONTROL, NOT HER. It feels great, guys, just give it time and space.. it's the best thing you can do.