Am I a jerk because of what I did?

[fulfillthedream]

I've been seeing my GF for about a month now. This is not about her though. Their is this girl that I have known for almost a year. We were really good friends at first and eventually we both became attracted to each other. The problem was that she had a boyfriend at the time, and then I got a girlfriend and the cycle repeated. Yesterday we had a long talk and we both admitted to each other that if we weren't in a relationship we would be together.(I'm not going to leave my GF for her) Well today their was a sort of party/movie night with a group of people that me and her both hang out with. And she sat next to me and we started talking/flirting like we always do when we are together. Then out of nowhere she says "why do you touch me so much?, its ok sometimes but now its getting creepy" ( the most I ever touch her is when I hug her and she hugs me really tightly) so naturally I was surprised. But I figured maybe I was crossing boundaries so I just kind of moved further away from her and let her have her space. Suddenly she moved further away from me and started resting her head on some guys shoulder. Thats when i got a little bit angry, but again I just figured she needed her space and I didn't talk to her for a while. Fast forward about 5 minutes and she's asking me why I'm not talking to her and I told her that I didn't feel like talking and she kept on bugging me and bugging me about until finally I told her I just didn't want to talk to her right now(I was pretty angry at this point). And then she kept on until finally I got so annoyed that I just left the damn place, she was about to cry and told me that I was mean and that I make her feel like she's never good enough when she's around me.I was extremely annoyed/angry at the entire situation and got in my car and was driving off when she ran outside and just watched me leave.

 

In my honest opinion, I might have acted a little bit irrationally but I was kind of hurt you know. This was coming from a girl that at one point agreed that we are perfect for each other except for the fact that we are each in a relationship and even thought about leaving her boyfriend of over a year for me...ugh...IDK

[Ronni_W]

She sure is sending a LOT of mixed signals...and then she's also saying that YOU are somehow responsible that she is suffering from low self-esteem and feelings of not being "good enough"???

 

I'd totally steer clear of her, really. She sounds needy and somewhat out of touch with reality. If she's lacking esteem, confidence, whatever, she needs a therapist...not to dump that on you.

 

You did NOT act inappropriately, you did NOT act like a "jerk"...with her!

But. If you do value and appreciate your g/f and that relationship, you may just want to focus on that. Long-term, this girl you posted about is just gonna be bad news for you...especially since you're not even a couple.

[Dolos]

I don't think you overreacted, she was fishing for a reaction, she just didn't get the one she wanted. I get the feeling she likes you a lot and knows she cant pursue you directly since you're involved with someone else. She wanted to talk about physical contact between you, but had to bring it up in a way that didn't make it look like she wanted to talk about it since you have a gf and that would have been inappropriate. After she was trying to make you jealous with the other guy, but then she realizing all she did was piss you off she tries to talk to you again because she doesn't want you to be mad at her. Once you brush her off she loses it a little bit and starts to get annoying with wanting to talk to you still, because like i said, she was going for jealousy, not anger, so shes trying to fix what she did because she doesn't want you mad at her.

 

It might be best for you to spend less time around this girl while you have a gf. She clearly has some self esteem issues, and rather than accepting that you wont date her because you're in a relationship shes thinking that she isn't good enough for you.

 

But to answer the initial question again, you definitely didn't overreact. You had every right to be annoyed with the **** she was pulling.

[boogieboy]

you didnt understand what she was doing, so you didnt act like a jerk.

 

I think she was teasing you. I think if you werent actually touching her when she said that, then she was just busting your chops. You were supposed to retor with something along the lines of "Oh then im never gonna touch you again...you have cooties". She prolly wanted you to touch her more.

 

Thats just a maybe...

[EarthGirl]

you were not exactly a jerk but she wasn't either. you weren't a jerk, but nor were you the most sensitive person ever. just the fact that you were so honest and upfront with her about your attraction to her, even though you're in a relationship you say you won't leave..and you continue to hang out with her ...it seems to me that you're the one giving mixed signals. She knows she can never have a chance with you yet basically you're dangling yourself in front of her by partying with her, essentially showing her what she can't have..and no doubt continuing to flirt with her heavily, expecting her to be ok with the whole situation, and not say a word to complain.

 

I understand that when you sort of belong to a group of friends, it's really hard to kick one person out, or just try to avoid seeing them ..and I also understand that some people choose to stay friends either with ex's or with people they have never hooked up with officially or physically but have feelings for sometimes that they have even admitted to.

 

Still I would not say she necessarily has low self esteem and this isn't the weirdest or most outlandish thing anyone has ever done over a crush. Actually it's quite natural for a girl to feel like she's "not good enough" in this situation because essentially you do choose to be with another girl, so in theory she is not good enough to be "better" (in your eyes) in order for you to break up with your current girlfriend and choose to be with her. Men often don't understand that this is a natural reaction for a woman, and it is why many women get lower and lower self esteem as they go through life and their rejections pile up. Men say that women don't use logic like they do and instead use feelings...but in a way this is quite intelligent ...logical logic. Just not true to life, because in real life here on earth, you can be rejected even if you're a fantastic person...and women know that by the time they grow up cause we're not stupid (contrary to some belief)...consciously..but it's the subconscious part that seems to have a life of it's own that is the problem. Of course often other things, like the way their fathers treated them as a child or if they were bullied in school, have even more of an effect, and may set them up to be at a disadvantage from the start (because supposedly men don't want needy women), but still.

 

It's kind of like a video game, do you remember the mario princess game or whatever it was and all the little characters had a certain amount of life and hearts and as they go and get hurt, their hearts and life force diminishes gradually. That's like a woman's self esteem.

 

I read something the other day about how men feel when their SO's reject their sexual advances, even if they are just really tired...that it kind of immasculates them and humiliates them because if they are really in love with their SO, they feel she is "irresistible", and they want in turn to be irresistible to her, at all times, even if she just spent 15 hours working nonstop and to her it has absolutely nothing to do with how attracted to him she is, her body is simply exhausted and she would not be willing to have sex with any man in the world, and if she just got a few hours of sleep she'd be ready and more than willing to make love with the man of her dreams. And yet apparently some men can't ever really understand that because it's a very instinctual reaction that is beyond intellect.

 

Well it's the same for women, except it's not with sex, but with being committed to or at times in some situations being "chosen"... in fact really that's what it's all about a lot of the time. It's not actually about men having to go through hoops and perform tricks and run miles to prove to a woman that he wants her and he is good enough..but it's just about him caring enough to care about how she feels from day to day...

 

so to get back to the OP....fulfill the dream: you didn't really do anything wrong ...at least not knowingly...it's just that you weren't really showing care about the way she felt even as just a friend. I mean if a true platonic friend came to you and said, "dude, what am I gonna do, this girl told me straight out she has strong feelings for me but she'll never leave her boyfriend, but she keeps hanging out with my friends and I can't avoid her and I'm just expected not to say anything or be upset about it"...what would you tell him? She didn't really do anything wrong either, unless she was leading that other guy at the party on but most likely he was just a random guy that thought she was pretty but wasn't even that into her, so no harm done. She simply acted a little childishly...which is not exactly honorable but certainly understandable and normal.

[fulfillthedream]

She sure is sending a LOT of mixed signals...and then she's also saying that YOU are somehow responsible that she is suffering from low self-esteem and feelings of not being "good enough"???

 

I'd totally steer clear of her, really. She sounds needy and somewhat out of touch with reality. If she's lacking esteem, confidence, whatever, she needs a therapist...not to dump that on you.

 

You did NOT act inappropriately, you did NOT act like a "jerk"...with her!

But. If you do value and appreciate your g/f and that relationship, you may just want to focus on that. Long-term, this girl you posted about is just gonna be bad news for you...especially since you're not even a couple.

 

I really didn't think of it like that at the time.. but it makes sense.

 

I think I should just focus on my GF and be a good boyfriend.....